To think it’s not ok for Dh to nip out to the shop

[Istillhaventfoundwhatiwaslookingfor]

I work aa few evenings a week for a couple of hours.
As soon as Dh gets home, I go and he takes over looking after Dd, 7 years old.
Once a week, she generally goes to her neighbour friends house to play. We either walk round to get her or the mum drops her, we don’t have set times and all very casual. When i’m home, if Dd goes to play there, I don’t go anywhere unless she needs to come back or the mum walks her round and I’m not there..,usually the mum just says bye to her and Dd comes in the house herself through the patio door.
Yesterday she went to this friend’s house, Dh came home and I was leaving and said Dd was at friends house. He asked if I had any change as was going to nip to the shop, I said Dd might come back at any time, so he couldn’t as I obviously wouldn’t be there (plus, Dh nipping to the shop isn’t a 5 minute job like when I go)
He got confused and a bit peed off and said he wouldn’t be long. I ended up saying i’d have to stay at home while he went then as Dd could nip
back for anything. He huffed and I went as was late then for work.
He obviously then didn’t go, but Aibu to think it’s irresponsible that he even considered it?

I think you’re a bit bananas, OP! Maybe I’m just a Xennial but if you can’t handle being unable to nip back to grab a snack or toy from your house for 10 whole minutes as a 7yo, that’s insane. I’m with your DH, just nip out. Just knock on and let the neighbour know.

You seriously just sit in, on the off-chance that they might nip back, even if you really need something?

I should add, it wouldn't be a big deal if I popped out for 5 minutes or even half an hour without letting my neighbour know. We do have each other's numbers though and I would always text her. But if I didn't for some reason, it wouldn't be a big deal

The deeper problem seems to be dps addiction. He seems to just need his fix and (from experiece) when you ‘need’ it 2 hours probably just is too long. We all have vices.
but we shouldn’t let them influence the children

I’m a Xennial too 😂
If I really really needed something that desperately then i’d call or go and tell them, but she’s not even there that long

Both girls come and go with each other occasionally to pick up toys to show the other one or a towel for the pool and so on

In my opinion you sound like his parent telling him what he can and can’t do.

I'm the most relaxed parent ever but this 'arrangement' has got problems written all over it.

Like one of those situations where a child goes missing and both households tell the police they assumed the child was in the other house.

Surely there has to be a tiny bit of structure here?

I was telling him what he could and couldn’t do, but have to think of my dd and be the responsible one

This is why I don’t leave the house in this particular set up, family lax in terms of checking Dd dropped off etc. Dd adores her and they have fun, but I have to be around and really on the ball with this situation

*Wasn’t

“Palestar · Today 22:21

saltinesandcoffeecups · Today 22:17
So realistically how far away is the shop? It doesn’t sound like him nipping out to by cigarettes would take that long. (There’s a lot of nipping in this thread the word has lost all meaning to me).
I think you’re being a little rigid here.

I found out recently that name for that is semantic satiation, which sounds nicer than it feels when it happens”

@Palestar / @saltinesandcoffeecups - not the point of this thread but it’s a relief to know this happens to other people and is a thing. It always feels a bit bonkers when it’s happening. Like - cat? What’s a cat?

Seems daft to me to regard yourself as a prisoner in the house just because your child is playing at the neighbour's. Time to get this arrangement more structured.

One time for him to be there.? He’s there every night for her by the sounds of it. What a drama just give him the phone number of the neighbour.

OP, I agree with you.

I think someone should be home for DD in case the friend’s mum had an emergency. Then in a rush, she has to read some note at the door that DH has gone to the shops. Meanwhile your DH is having a smoke and looking at the waves at the beach and has not been five minutes, but an hour.

And you are at work.

This arrangement with the friend’s mum isn’t a daycare or nanny service, the friend’s visit can be short or long. A parent should be at home.

Well this is ridiculous.

If you want to leave the house, you'll have to tell her to stop nipping back and forth like a boomerang.

Check it's ok with the mum and tell your DD to stay there till you're home.

This kind of loose arrangement was the norm in the not so distant past. It’s a great thing that sounds like works very well for the OP and the kids.

It just takes a little more in modern times with contact information being shared. I

Sorry but you don’t sound on the ball at all if you don’t know when your 7 year old might come home and don’t actually know where she is at any given moment. I’m an Xennial too so probably a bit more relaxed with parenting like you but 7 seems young to me to be given that much freedom - and if as you say the other family are even more lax, would they even notice if your daughter was not at either house and had wandered down to the sea to find her dad?

I agree with previous posters though, this particular scenario could have been solved in seconds by you calling the other mum or sending your husband the number..

He could call around to dd friends house and say I’m just nipping to the shop I’ll be back in 20 minutes do you want to come with me or get you anything?

Btw do you have dd friend around yours as well?

I agree with you OP. Although there may have been alternatives (texting, nipping round to let them know, leaving a note on the door) he didn’t suggest any of these things and wasn’t planning on doing them.

His suggestion was that he could just leave without telling them, and potentially not be in and not be reachable when your daughter returned. This would be unreasonable imo and I agree that it’s fine to point that out.

I think if you posted about taking a neighbours child home to find nobody in and nothing having been said to you, everyone on here would think that was unreasonable 🤷‍♀️

Exactly. This is just a weird fuss when there are practical ways to address it.

Sorry?

I know exactly where my child is, she’s at her friends house, if they need to come and get something the grandma walks them round and vice versa. I know where she is at all times

That poor grandmother has to walk them back and forth every single time they want to go between houses? And if she does do that then she would have been with them if they got to your house and saw that your husband wasn't there. Couldn't he have just stuck a post-it on the door that said "hey, ran to the shop I'll be back in 20 minutes?"

I don’t understand these sorts of posts.

Of course he should have dealt with this himself. He could have called the friend’s mother. This shouldn’t have even been a conversation.

How useless is this man?

The fuck? And maybe if her dad doesn’t feed her, teach her to cook. And if he doesn’t do baths and teeth brushing for his 7yo, it’s not neglect, it’s mums job to make sure they know how to look after themselves for when neglectful dad is parenting. And if his job is lunches and he forgets, mum needs to work out a contingency plan and have the child know what to do at school if her dad hasn’t provided… Jesus Christ, Is it not a vastly better idea to just try and have him not be neglectful?? 7yos should not come home to an empty house. They shouldn’t come home to an empty house even if they’ve been carefully told that’s what’s happening and they absolutely should not come home to find themselves alone with no idea where everyone is or if they are ever coming back. The answer here is not teach your child to cope with neglectful parenting.

My mum was a teacher.
All the teachers had the same whistle in school, so when I heard that whistle at home, I knew it meant get myself home immediately.
Why you and your husband are working - and badly at that - around your daughter and not the other way around, is a question for the ages.
Who’s in charge, again? I can’t tell.