Starting to hate being a mother

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Anyone else just hate being a mum? Honestly I am having worst mind . I Love my child but I am finding myself constantly snapping at her .I don’t enjoy her company either . She is 5 . I do take care of her . But I just don’t enjoy being a mum .
She still wants me to put her to bed every night till she falls asleep . That is draining . She is very clingy.
don’t get me wrong we have great times but most of the time I hate it . I want freedom . Partner helps out when he can but we both don’t have parents near us so we don’t get any time off from childcare . Relationship is non existent at this point . I literally wish we go separate ways so we can split her 50/50 . Just imagining that freedom .
I know I will get hate but honestly motherhood is not it . I should have listen to my younger self not to have children . I thought I was just being young and silly but no I was right .
I know I will get hate but I am being brutally honest here .

Bedtimes like that are so shit so no judgement from me. But I suspect sorting that out so you can have an evening would help give you some much needed space and relaxation.

At 5 she's old enough to get to bed without you sitting there. I would move her bed round the other way, explain we we now doing 2 stories and then you need to go and sort washing (doomscroll while lying on your bed in a separate room) next door while she drifts off. A week of that and then you'll be able to go downstairs and relax.

@BeetletweetleI am trying this , i have had enough . Most of the time I fall asleep with her which is even worse but I am just exhausted at this point

I don't really have much advice but bumping up for you in the hope someone else can help.

Sounds like you’re just burnt out and totally emotionally drained.

I would say to DP that you want to start having set aside time for yourself to do anything you want to do for a few hours - whether that’s a whole evening off or a Saturday afternoon or whatever it might be. Then you can allow DP the same.

Or if that’s not possible is DD in school yet? Maybe you could try and swap commitments round so you’re free one weekday whilst she’s at school?

At 5 she shouldn't really need you to stay there until she falls asleep.

I’m trying really hard not to judge you as you clearly need help and I do hope you get the help that you need. It must be awful for you to feel this way x

@PigeonpoohelpI think I know that . That didn’t help really but thanks

I think you need a full reset. Explain it's going to change. Don't lie down, quick hug and then say you'll pop your head round the door in 2 mins to check she's falling asleep.
Next night leave it 4 mins, then 10, then say you're nipping downstairs etc.

Or pull out the big guns and let her overhear you commenting to someone how [insert name of slightly older girl she looks up to] goes to bed without her mummy.

I completely understand, I was exactly the same. Some of us just aren't cut out for life with small kids.

Now ours are older, I'm loving it. All changed about 7/8, but did get gradually better before that. Hang in there

I used to have to lie beside my 5 yo so she would fall asleep too and it’s soul destroying. You have no evening to yourself. I had to bribe her at first. Tell her she would get a treat on Saturday if she could fall asleep on her own every night for a week. It worked and now she goes asleep on her own. Took about three weeks to work. My mental health is far better for it

Sorry not much help, did you always feel like this or have you started feeling like this recently?

It will get better but you will need to be very strong to do it. You have taught her that this is the way to go to sleep which has previously worked. Now you need to teach her a new way to go to sleep and one that doesn't involve you.

My own child had medical needs so we co-slept etc but to break it you have to have a song that you mentally sing. One that helps you keep strong, you could always put a headphone in one ear.

Talk to her about it before it happens so she understands that you need time to do things in the house and spend time with your partner just like she enjoys spending time with her friends. She can relate to that. You need to set a firm boundary, decide the number of stories or pages. Do not back down, you have to be prepared for it to be completely shit for a few days, she will pull out every card she has, she is scared, she needs you etc but you can do this and so can she. It will be a few days of hell compared to this for the next year if that makes you feel better about it.

You can always take yourself out of the house for an hour and get your partner to do it too, tag team, work together, whatever it takes.

I would also consider some kind or reward chart with small rewards that build to a bigger one too. Best of luck to you. We also had no family help as we lived miles away so it was just me and Dh.

@Beetletweetle thanks . I will def give this a go and try not to snap . Before I might have been a bit harsh and than give up . I will try to talk to her first tomorrow to prepare her for the evening .

My darling motherhood is a rollercoaster. No-one ever said it was easy. It can be complete shit. But you need to focus on the positives.

There have been times when DH & me seriously talked about boarding school for our DSs.

One was a complete nightmare. He didn't sleep for more than 4 hours at a time until he became pubescent, then, ironically, we couldn't get him out of bed! The only time that he slept was when in the car - DH or me would drive him around & around until he fell asleep & then one of us would sit in the car as, if we moved the car seat into the house he would wake up & we couldn't leave him alone (obviously).

DH had to go around our <seaside> town with another DS's picture telling local arcades not to let him in to gamble on fruit machines when he was aged 15 & looked older. We suspect that he still has a gambling problem, but he's now in his mid-30's so not our problem anymore.

The only one who didn't give us sleepless nights was our DD who was a dream. Never gave us a sleepless night.

All I can say is that it does get better. Parenting is the hardest job ever.

Sending you hugs.

@CandleMeltAway I will try this for sure . It might not mean I have my freedom but I will have my evenings back rather than sit in the dark waiting for her to sleep or fall asleep myself 😩

Also partner blames me for sleeping with her . Ironically he used to say it’s fine when she was younger . He has done a few times but she mainly wants me to do it and somehow it’s my fault .

Parenthood is draining and exhausting, you’re not wrong. Everyone needs a break and sounds like you’re not getting enough time to do things you want to do. It does get easier as they get older, but in the meantime try to get some time off, get a babysitter, do something for you.

The song really helps and remember she will get upset, but you cannot parent out of never having an upset child. It is an emotion, they will get upset a million times before they are an adult but she will realise her world did not fall apart.

My song was Tom Petty I Won't Back Down. You can do this and it might make you feel so much better just getting your evenings back.

I share your pain on bedtimes - mine are older and don't really need me but would like me and I still need to supervise teeth brushing etc and it is later as they don't need to go to bed earlier and so there is no evening time after. Just now we have little childcare and DP is out a lot so I'm doing loads and I think it is really hard not having time to yourself. I was thinking today I need to book a babysitter and sort more childcare so I can do a couple of things for me and feel better and be a nicer mum when I am around. Can you and DP share bedtimes so you have set nights (you do Mon and Wed and he does Tues and Thurs) and then you have two nights you can do something for you? Would audio books help? This has worked a bit for us as youngest will fall asleep to them though eldest will stay awake too long as can't bear to miss any of the story - was thinking maybe need to try whale sounds or something

I do think this interminable “bedtime” is onerous on parents. If you’ve had enough just tell her to brush her teeth give her a little wash, jamas on, one little story and goodnight. That’s quite enough and if she cries so be it. She will go to sleep soon. Kids are controllers, and adult Heath and well being are very important. Also try to find a trustworthy baby sitter- welcome back happy marriage and goodbye exhaustion.

I don’t know what it is when she cries it makes me feel so guilty. It literally reminds me of when I was a child and no one cared much of my feelings and I somehow start to think that is how she must be feeling . I don’t know why I always imagine like the worst things that she must be feeling . Not just before bed time but in general. She def deserves a better mum for sure .

Friend was nearly broken by dc bedtime and lying with dc until they went to sleep. In the end she started going out for a walk after doing bedtime routine instead of lying with dc. It was a rough couple of weeks but dc learned they had to stay quietly in bed and fall asleep alone. I think they used audiobooks in the end too

Honestly I think some couples split up just to have that freedom . I have seen so many parents so much happier when they separate and get they life back and even the next relationship somehow are better if u don’t get another child that is . Obv I know it’s not the case to all but you know what I mean

Yes I absolutely hate it but that’s because I’m a single mum if I had my time again I wouldn’t have any children

Someone recently told me “I’d have made a good mum, but not a happy mum”.

It resonated.

No advice for you, OP, but it sounds tough.

@Hankunamatata I will try as I am getting snappy and I don’t want her to go to bed and last thing she remember is me snapping at her or shouting to go sleep .
I will see on audiobooks because she is used to go sleep in dark no noise but can try is she likes .