Starting to hate being a mother

[ivise]

Anyone else just hate being a mum? Honestly I am having worst mind . I Love my child but I am finding myself constantly snapping at her .I don’t enjoy her company either . She is 5 . I do take care of her . But I just don’t enjoy being a mum .
She still wants me to put her to bed every night till she falls asleep . That is draining . She is very clingy.
don’t get me wrong we have great times but most of the time I hate it . I want freedom . Partner helps out when he can but we both don’t have parents near us so we don’t get any time off from childcare . Relationship is non existent at this point . I literally wish we go separate ways so we can split her 50/50 . Just imagining that freedom .
I know I will get hate but honestly motherhood is not it . I should have listen to my younger self not to have children . I thought I was just being young and silly but no I was right .
I know I will get hate but I am being brutally honest here .

I found it exceptionally hard for years. Mine is now 10 and it’s MUCH better because he’s developing into a great person who is genuinely fun to be around. We can do fun stuff that we both enjoy and I can have a decent conversation with him, he has my sense of humour. We have a great connection. He’s now into the slightly moody pre teen years but that’s the worst of it and I can easily deal with it. also your independence starts to come back big time as they get older and generally need you less for daily tasks, they can shower independently, make a drink, make basic food, take themselves off to bed, can be left for 20 mins if I need to go to the shop etc. It makes a huge difference!

I really didn’t enjoy the early years and by that, I mean up until the age of about 7! because up until that age they are so demanding, you don’t get a great deal back, you rarely get any time for yourself and it just feels like a never ending slog especially if you don’t have family help (we didn’t either).

Im a much happier parent to an older child and no doubt you will be too. You just have to hang in there and do the best you can. If you can carve out more time for yourself too this will help.

@iliketheradio where did I say it was my idea of fun? I specifically said it wouldn’t be my choice but I made it fine by listening to a podcast or whatever and I still don’t accept it’s “draining”. Are the only 2 options “draining” or “fun”? Can it not just be a thing parents need to do when the kids are little and you just get on with?

No advice as such, but solidarity. I was you 30 yrs ago minus the bedtime routine. By 7pm I was done, it was there's your bed, if you choose not to go to sleep fine but I'm shutting the door , I don't want to hear or see you, night, night! If they played quietly, read in bed whatever that was fine. I didn't still don't enjoy being a mother and pre Internet there was no information. I didn't have much support, I knew I'd be judged so I suffered in silence and it probably explains my feelings now.

I was coming on here to say exactly the same! You need to reclaim your evenings op. And focus on yourself. Your child will benefit if you do, You need to be firm with her op and follow this through for her sake, as you may feel more energised if this one element can change,

And generally try and get back to the things that made you feel excited about life before motherhood and reward yourself with doing some of them. Get a baby-sitter? Join a baby-sitting circle? Advertise for an active granny type who lives very locally? And get back to doing some things that bring you personal fulfilment.

Parenting an only with little support is really intense. Try and make sure that you have twenty minute “special time” with your dd between home and bed so that the focus on being together doesn’t all fall on
bedtime. And look upon the sleep training as doing her a favour as she needs to feel at ease falling asleep in her own bed and learning that bed is a lovely comfortable place to be,

I think how much support that a mother gets from their partner plays a massive part in how much they enjoy parenting or not. When you are stuck doing everything with no break, it does become exhausting because it is so relentless,

Can you use this thread to be a catalyst for sorting out your relationship op? Partner “helping out when he can” doesn’t sound great, Can you either split so that he has to do his part and you know when it is, EOW or whatever, and then you can get a total break,

Or you decide to stay together, employ some baby sitters and have a night out together, once a fortnight and work on your relationship. Being in a sort of limbo like this, can’t help your mood,

If you stay together, insist that he steps up more in the home and you divide the parenting duties more evenly, Talk to him and tell him you are burnt out, Or just go out this weekend alone and tell him that you need some peace? Just hand over the child and go out of the front door! (If he is safe looking after her of course.)

Finally, maybe get yourself checked out at the gp? Get a blood test done. Maybe take a depression test, and find out whether you are low in iron or vitamin D? Check your diet, sleep, fitness. Getting on top of those three things, can make a difference. Or maybe you need ADs or talking therapy to offer a bit of support to you?

Before everyone jumps on me, I am NOT saying that you hating parenting right now means you must be depressed. Not at all. Women are allowed to feel crap about parenting as most of it is very mundane and hard. It’s certainly not the heart and flowers and pastel colours that we have all been sold, And it never stops.

But something about the tone of your op sounds like potential depression to me, which could be situational and not innate, but either way it might just be worth investigating your mood in order to rule out if nothing else?

Finally, a pp had a good idea about you and your partner each taking over a weekend morning to give the other a lie in and a break.
Or get a baby sitter for a weekend or afternoon for 3 hrs and then it becomes something you can look forward to on a weekly basis. Sell clothes or anything you can to facilitate this.

Good luck op 💐. And congratulate yourself. You are have got through some of the hardest parenting years. Everything gets a bit easier after the age of six. Use this low moment to start shaping this next phase with your own needs more to the forefront. Your dd needs you to be happy so don’t feel guilty for focusing on yourself a bit more from now on.

I don't have much advice but I'm in the same boat and 7 years in I'm still finding it hard.
Sleep and bedtimes are a massive issue. Daughter doesn't sleep much sometimes up until 11pm, I work full time with lazy partner.
I never had another child as I find it so hard. I also wish I could split from her father.

You sound burnt out and need a break.
Would separation help you? It's hard when you are in the trenches and I'm sure for most people it does get easier as they get older.

UPDATE - tried to put her bed tonight . Used some of your suggestions ,thanks to all. She did it😁 . Also I did mention to her a day before so she knows and its not a shock . And I did not rush her to bed first time . Anyways will see how the night goes .
what do u do if she is up at 4 and wants me back there? 🥲 I am talking about a 5 year old btw

Yay! Well done op! 👏

I’m not 100% sure but I think if she appears at 4 am then I would not engage in much interaction but just gently guide her back in to bed and then sit on the floor in the middle of her room - no talking - while she goes back to sleep.

I think having instigated this new way of sleeping then you have to keep it up until it’s second nature; unless of course she is ill, in pain, or genuinely upset by something. She’s five, she’s not a toddler. She should be able to sleep in her own bed now. It’s important you get good quality sleep so that you can start to enjoy her company a bit more during the day.

Maybe a new cuddle toy will help with the transition?

@Alittlemoreconversationplease 4am is probably my most challenging task . Hope she won’t wake up but still . She has A lot of toys around her that she chose for her bed time , so she is happy . She actually seemed fine but I know she can wake up early . Will see.

Well enjoy some good quality sleep while it lasts op 👍👍

Our 3.5 year old is a nightmare at bedtime - you can never read enough stories and then she demands whatever toy isn’t in her room “I can’t sleep without purple baby/dolly/polar bear/piggy/my lizard/doggy etc” we often give up - I read 3 books then tell her she can either have a story on her yoto player or nothing but I am too tired” there are protests, several trips to the loo when she doesn't actually wee. but then she concedes and either gets a yoto story or sleepy music. We often hear her jumping around upstairs but we’ve gotten to the point we pretend we don’t hear for half an hour and she usually wears herself out.

Well done Op!!

Theres so much I want to say to you but I notice that you’re crying out for help so I’ll be kind. Please try to be kind to your child too. Sounds like she is picking up on your moods. I had a mother like you. She ended up alone.

We can all see what you previously posted.

You sound lovely.

I still have to stay with my 5yr old but i don’t mind too much. She’s late to bed (has always been this way) and sometimes we don’t go upstairs until 9.30. I used to do earlier bedtime but it just meant i was up there longer so stopped. When DH is home I’ve started doing stuff anyway like going for walks etc after dinner, home by 9pm and then I do bedtime. It’s slowly coming down and I normally read a story, then play gentle music/songs or use the moshi app and she’s out pretty quick. Once the music is on I can my lie there/ cuddle and doomscroll while it’s playing, so it’s kinda fun 😆 once she can read herself my plan is to let her do that while i’m nearby for as long as she wants until she’s out.

You get on with it.
If you need to lie down with her, then do it

They're only small for a short time, she is frightened to sleep alone.

OP did you share a room with siblings? I did, 3 siblings, I felt safely in numbers, children these days are expected to sleep alone, it is a newish thing for humans who have spent centuries sleeping with family.

My mother slept in a bed with 5 siblings as did her mother before her, etc.

That’s a really interesting point that’s sent me off to find out more.. it seems it wasn’t a common expectation in the UK until the 60’s. I guess the child’s DNA doesn’t know society made these changes!