Starting to hate being a mother

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Anyone else just hate being a mum? Honestly I am having worst mind . I Love my child but I am finding myself constantly snapping at her .I don’t enjoy her company either . She is 5 . I do take care of her . But I just don’t enjoy being a mum .
She still wants me to put her to bed every night till she falls asleep . That is draining . She is very clingy.
don’t get me wrong we have great times but most of the time I hate it . I want freedom . Partner helps out when he can but we both don’t have parents near us so we don’t get any time off from childcare . Relationship is non existent at this point . I literally wish we go separate ways so we can split her 50/50 . Just imagining that freedom .
I know I will get hate but honestly motherhood is not it . I should have listen to my younger self not to have children . I thought I was just being young and silly but no I was right .
I know I will get hate but I am being brutally honest here .

I feel you OP! My 5yo is being hard work at the moment, I feel burnt out so I am snapping all the time which is no doubt making him harder work and also makes me feel so guilty, I feel like by now parenting should be getting easier but for us it definitely seems to be harder. He also needs time to lie by him to fall asleep, although fortunately this doesn’t take long. I have a 2yo too who doesn’t sleep so I’m hoping that it’s all just a phase and I’ll feel better soon…

I was semi seriously considering divorce last year just to get a fucking break!

Don’t rule out depression, which can be caused by your environment, eg being exhausted and caring for a full on 5 year old. Always have a chat with your GP. I went undiagnosed for years - it’s bloody hard.

Bedtimes at this age are really hard; you need to change the routine. If you can afford it, a sleep/bedtime consultant can advise you really well even with an older child, if you can afford it. DM me if you need a recommendation.

Are you going to bed early? I feel more like this when I’m knackered and stay up doom scrolling on my phone. Get some rest.

I’m sure you’re not, but please don’t let DC ever pick up on how you feel.

So sorry you're feeling this way OP. It's unfortunate but normal to feel how you feel.
I knew from young that I never wanted children; or rather, I would have loved a mini me/DH running around but knew I had absolutely ZERO desire to actually be a 'parent'. So that was the deciding factor in us choosing to remain childfree - regardless of what many of those close to us think we should have done.

What happens if you don’t put her to bed? Or if dp does the bedtime?

Don’t mean that to sound judgey but like if you just don’t do it what happens? When my dc(now3) had difficulty with one parent in the past, we used to take it in turns and the other would just go for a walk around the estate.

@Jumpingthruhoops pls never change your mind. We been sold a big lie . It’s literally a scam unless you have a village

No wonder you feel like this you need your evenings for a break. I know a lot of people won't agree with this but move her bedtime 30 minutes earlier stick a tv in her bedroom let her pick the film get her tucked in and leave and she will fall asleep and you will get your evening

A lot of what you say resonates with me. Parenting high needs kids without a lot of outside help is relentless.

@justgoandgetpizza I am in the same boat . Literally feel like the only way we could get life back or if I could I would get another place and we just use that for our freedom while the other parent looks after the kid in another house 😅

I think you're just exhausted op

Its just me and dd. I do bedtimes and as shes autistic, she would take 2 hours to go down in her bed. Two hours id sit there listening to the radio on low.

Now, I put her in my bed next to me, and have the soaps on low, and she falls asleep a lot faster as well

Can you take time off work to go to your parents? For like two weeks and explain that you just need a break?

Or better yet, can she be sent tp stay with them for a week during the summer?

Youre doing your best, and you love your baby. But you must try to find a way to have a break, just to lay down and relax

❤️

Being a mum is HARD!! It's totally normal to not enjoy every moment too.. don't feel guilty for those feelings, we all have them.

But you should enjoy some of the time..I think you are just worn out. Prioritise getting some time to do something for yourself. Hopefully you and your partner could both take it in turns to have half a day at the weekend to do something just for you (eh. Do a hobby, have a long bath, take a walk, do some shopping, watch a film etc.). Try and have an evening each too. It's really important to get that balance.

Do you work Op? As when I was at home during maternity leave I found it so overwhelming and easy actually much happier being back at work as it felt like my old self back and was not just 'mum'.

@SusanChurchouse literally . No one can tell me otherwise.

It's a lot of hard work and drudgery, especially in the younger years. And especially tough if you don't have much family support. Things do get easier as they get older...try to find some joy in life even if it's just simple things for the time being.

Yes agree with poster above, it gets easier as they get older and they have more independence.

tough tomatoes honey!

child is here now and you need to embrace it - you put her here and she had no choice

Stop whining and regretting it

My favourite saying is that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Yes she needs you but you are running on empty. Why not talk to your other half about a couple of nights away alone by yourself so you can recharge and think about some strategies that you could try as a family?

I used to wish I could accidentally break several bones just so I could stay in hospital for a bit. DS2 refused to sleep and then when he finally started to get the hang of it, developed night terrors! Several nights a week, just as I drifted off to sleep, I'd be wrenched awake again by his screaming. I was permanently on edge waiting for it to happen. For 6 years 😭. Miserable, miserable times.

You have my sympathy OP.

I know I don’t love motherhood. You don’t have to love being a mother to love your children. It sounds like things are relentless for you right now. It will change and things will move on. I never felt like I enjoyed being a mother, nor was a ‘good’ mum, until mine were a bit older. It’s hard to be needed all the time. There will be a stage of motherhood which you will enjoy.

I do wonder if I had the choice again would I have children and it’s a very difficult question to answer. Live is easier without children, but I think the world is a better place with them in it, and I’m glad I’ve given them the opportunity to experience life. It’s hard to cast your gaze upwards when in the hard bits, but your sacrifice will be worth it.

I love the idea of splitting so I'd get every other weekend to myself.

I love my DC but they all have special needs and I have ASD, I still don't quite belive that most mothers enjoy that constant need, need, need.

Anyway, been there, felt that. I operated on a sense of duty when they were young. Dh was better than most but I realised it wasn't 50% and he stepped up, I still had to do most of the emotional but he did all of the physical and we had equal free time.

So, it will get better as she gets older, I promise. Figure out what has to change and do it - sounds like it might be bedtime. Make sure you and dh have equal free time - not just child free but chore free. You getting to do the shopping whilst he has dd then him playing golf whilst you have dd is not equal.

I wish you strength.

Have You spoken to your partner about splitting up and sharing custody?

Because the thing is if he doesn’t want her 50% of the time you might find yourself worse off… sorry OP.

Also time to get your tubes tied.

I bought really cool presents for my DC, when they were 5 and 6, and said that now that they were big boys and would go to sleep on their own, they deserved nice presents. We had a celebration, and I made sure that they woke up a little earlier and went to bed a little later, and were active in between. Independence did not start overnight, but things became easier.
I was drained and depressed and looking back 20 years later I realise that I needed to learn "health and safety " techniques to learn to rest on the way.
I became a lot more relaxed with my younger DC.
I lost my eldest DS a few years ago and miss him a lot. At 13, he became a great friend and soul mate. The dynamics changed. It was not just me teaching him, he taught me a lot of things, and I still have his list of books on Goodreads that I am going to read, and music recommendations on his blog that I often read.
My youngest will be 11, and I enjoy our bedtime reading because it's no longer a chore, it's a treat because we read the books that I choose and I love. His taste matter, too, but he is free to read whatever he wants during the day. At bedtime, he agrees to read together the books of my choice, and he likes most of them. If I want time for myself in the evening, I just say, no reading tonight, but feel free to read yourself.
When you are stuck in the moment, you think it'll never end, but it does. My second once very clingy DS is 25, lives far away and sends me a meme per day.

I think it sounds like op isn’t winning here. And particularly with bedtime. It’s not very helpful to just say stop regretting, because that is exactly what the op is saying she is doing?

This is so sad to read. You sound unhappy and burned out. You clearly need to sort out a bedtime routine that works for everyone and to get some time to be you, not just ‘Mum’.

It is just totally and utterly exhausting, and doing the same thing over and over again day after day is just soul destroying. Add in if you are a single parent and it can tip you over. The problem is no one tells you what it is like, and even if they did tell you, you still couldnt really imagine how hard it is. The population would die out pretty quickly if we did know. i keep saying to my mum why didnt you tell me what its like! i remember one time i couldnt lift a fork to my mouth through the exhaustion of it all.

It is a scam, that made me laugh :-). Keep going though and try to see the little moments of joy that they bring and try and scrap a little time for yourself each day. Get good sleep.