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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Starting to hate being a mother

91 replies

ivise · 05/06/2025 20:52

Anyone else just hate being a mum? Honestly I am having worst mind . I Love my child but I am finding myself constantly snapping at her .I don’t enjoy her company either . She is 5 . I do take care of her . But I just don’t enjoy being a mum .
She still wants me to put her to bed every night till she falls asleep . That is draining . She is very clingy.
don’t get me wrong we have great times but most of the time I hate it . I want freedom . Partner helps out when he can but we both don’t have parents near us so we don’t get any time off from childcare . Relationship is non existent at this point . I literally wish we go separate ways so we can split her 50/50 . Just imagining that freedom .
I know I will get hate but honestly motherhood is not it . I should have listen to my younger self not to have children . I thought I was just being young and silly but no I was right .
I know I will get hate but I am being brutally honest here .

OP posts:
user65342 · 05/06/2025 22:29

Don’t assume that splitting will mean 50/50. I have been a single parent since youngest was 4 and ex-h has done very little apart from make life harder. The biggest change you could make is be tougher on her with regards to bedtime. She is perfectly capable of falling asleep by herself, she just has to learn to do it. My DD was the same but I sleep trained at 12 months old (I know lots don’t agree with that). Yes she cried for a while for a few nights but she learnt, isn’t suffering from any trauma many years on and I kept my sanity. Don’t project your feelings about your own childhood onto the situation, the fact you care is evidence you are good enough, shit parents don’t care that they are shit.

PITCHpink · 05/06/2025 22:31

Some children are easier than other that’s just a fact. Some have a chilled out and easy going disposition and others don’t and are more demanding because of it. You’re being honest and that’s ok. I think it will get easier about 7 so try to remember they it will end soon - easier said than done though.

Could DH put her to bed 2/3 night per week to give you a rest?

notimeforregrets · 05/06/2025 22:38

ivise · 05/06/2025 21:36

Honestly I think some couples split up just to have that freedom . I have seen so many parents so much happier when they separate and get they life back and even the next relationship somehow are better if u don’t get another child that is . Obv I know it’s not the case to all but you know what I mean

Don't get me wrong, my relationship was shit before we split up but having the time to myself was a big bonus... I'm with you. Motherhood is overrated.

Chocolateorange22 · 05/06/2025 22:46

When I feel like this I always think of the putting your oxygen mask on first saying. You can't pour from an empty cup. Do you have a way of getting a break at all?

My DD6 I used to have to sit with. Now we will do stories, put her yoto on and ill give her 2 minutes to get cosy and snuggly and then I'll leave. DS4 is a bit harder but a work in progress. We sit with him and hold his hand. When he is then dozy and sleepy we will leave telling him that we will be back in ten minutes as we have washing to put away / load the dishwasher etc. We generally go and check on him after ten but he's usually asleep by then. We will eventually get there like his big sister but some children just take a bit longer.

Salumthecat · 05/06/2025 22:51

Quitelikeit · 05/06/2025 21:55

tough tomatoes honey!

child is here now and you need to embrace it - you put her here and she had no choice

Stop whining and regretting it

What a helpful and supportive comment, I hope you never find yourself in a situation where you are struggling and looking for advice and someone says something so judgemental.

A surprising amount of parents regret or have periods of regretting having children, there is a lack of honesty at how difficult it really is. How are you supposed to embrace a situation where you have to neglect your own wants needs and happiness for someone else when you are feeling low already and going through a difficult time?

Young children are demanding and a lot of people overestimate how rewarding having kids is, they see the good sides of parenting but it’s quite rare people are open and honest about how much of your life you have to sacrifice.

OP clearly loves her daughter, she wouldn’t be posting if she didn’t and she wouldn’t be as drained by it all if she simply didn’t care. You can love your kids but still hate parenting, it’s too late once you’ve had your child to realise how much you’ll struggle.

Your comment was unnecessary and you are just making someone going through a difficult time feel worse, is that what you wanted to achieve?
OP was brave to post what she did and deserves some actual advice, helpful suggestions or support, I would expect most women to have empathy as a lot of parents will have had similar struggles.

I don’t have children, one of the main reasons is because I knew I’d find it difficult as I’m neurodivergent.
I have a lot of friends with kids and nieces and nephews, I asked everyone to be as honest with me as possible about parenthood.
Because they knew it wasn’t something I was just a bit unsure about and was looking for absolute honesty most people advised me not to have kids and were very open about how hard they had found it and although they loved their kids there were times they would have given them back if they could! For most people these stages passed and they found it easier as their kids got older. Unfortunately my own sister admitted she regretted having kids and although she has loved them, cared for them and they will likely never know this, her opinion hasn’t changed even though they are nearly adults. She believes her life would have been so much better if she had stayed childfree.
I think a lot of this is because she was very young when she had them and sacrificed her youth and although she had a huge amount of support that made it more difficult because she enjoyed the time she had without them more than being with them.

OP wasn’t whining, she sounds worn out and at the end of her tether, it’s not surprising if she isn’t even getting time to herself in the evenings.

I suggest you don’t comment if you are just going to be judgemental, people post on this site with PND and a comment like you made could stop someone seeking support when needed and feel worse about themselves.

Eenameenadeeka · 05/06/2025 22:59

I'm sorry you are struggling. If you think you would rather split with your partner so he has her half the time, it sounds like he could be doing more of the childcare currently?? You might benefit from having a couple of evenings that are his days to do bedtime, and if you go out or take a bath or whatever it is so that you get a break. Absolutely no judgement from me on the sitting with her while she falls asleep, because I have done the same with all of my children. At 5, She can completely understand that you will be back and she is safe with Dad even if her preference is for you. You need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of her.

notimeforregrets · 05/06/2025 23:00

Oh and there's a subred "regretful parents" on reddit, you could join it to vent in a non-judgemental environment.

PotteringOnandOn · 05/06/2025 23:04

I was like this and my mum did a star chart, so a star every night I went to bed and I got a present at the end of the week for a full week. She bought the crafts for us to sit and make it together so I really took pride in it, worked so well and I still remember it fondly now!

iliketheradio · 05/06/2025 23:04

Really great advice from PPs about how to start her going to sleep alone. Could also get her a new toy to cuddle and say she has that instead of you now. Also tell her you will pop back to check on her - start by doing it after 5 minutes but after a week or so it can be after 40 minutes and she will be asleep so no need to keep popping back. Also I see you say she is used to sleeping with no noise but you could say that some big girls like to listen to stories at night, and see if she would like to try it - it may feel like an exciting novelty.

I think you need some you time, this will really help.

GoodBones85 · 05/06/2025 23:22

ivise · 05/06/2025 21:33

I don’t know what it is when she cries it makes me feel so guilty. It literally reminds me of when I was a child and no one cared much of my feelings and I somehow start to think that is how she must be feeling . I don’t know why I always imagine like the worst things that she must be feeling . Not just before bed time but in general. She def deserves a better mum for sure .

OP I could have written your original post - in exactly the same position with 5 year old DS and feel very much the same. This update I have quoted also really resonates with me.

i spoke to health visitor recently at the end of my tether and we are going to try something called the moving chair technique?

No other advice - but you are not alone ❤️

SALaw · 05/06/2025 23:28

Why is sitting with her until she falls asleep draining? It’s a nice sit down in a dark and quiet room. My husband and I used to regularly find each other sound asleep on the floor. Stick headphones in and listen to a podcast or something.

CharlotteLightandDark · 06/06/2025 07:08

SALaw · 05/06/2025 23:28

Why is sitting with her until she falls asleep draining? It’s a nice sit down in a dark and quiet room. My husband and I used to regularly find each other sound asleep on the floor. Stick headphones in and listen to a podcast or something.

Maybe not everyone wants to spend their evening sleeping on a floor though 🙄 maybe they want to watch some adult telly or a film, and get to relax finally.
great that you enjoyed the never ending bedtimes but i expect you’re a minority!

SALaw · 06/06/2025 07:59

@CharlotteLightandDark not what I chose but it still isn’t “draining” is it? It’s just sitting?!

ivise · 06/06/2025 08:17

@SALaw noo its been 5 years and in bed . Floor would be even worse . I am done with it . When u don’t have a village to help and no evenings too . No thanks , enough

OP posts:
ivise · 06/06/2025 08:50

@GoodBones85 Ah I feel you . We are def not alone and its nice knowing that . Hope it gets easier for you 😇

OP posts:
iliketheradio · 06/06/2025 08:53

SALaw · 05/06/2025 23:28

Why is sitting with her until she falls asleep draining? It’s a nice sit down in a dark and quiet room. My husband and I used to regularly find each other sound asleep on the floor. Stick headphones in and listen to a podcast or something.

If your idea of fun is sitting on the floor in a dark room, night after night, then I think you need professional help.

Decisionsdecisions1 · 06/06/2025 09:16

OP, you’re finding it hard because it is hard. We like you have no GP help and that makes it much harder.

Can you return to work and split childcare more evenly with your partner? Dp and I always earned a similar income so we shared the nursery and school drop offs/pick ups and bedtimes etc. Also tried to make sure cooking, chores etc were shared (tho the mental load and planning etc like many women, falls to me).

I honestly think I would have had significant mental health issues if we hadn’t done it this way. Work and an income of my own gave me an identity and perspective away from motherhood and made me value my time with dd more. Not at all saying that’s the answer for everyone but was for me.

The only other advice I’d offer is please ignore the social media gushing parents who tell you how blessed you are etc. Everyone’s experience is unique. You are doing the best you can.

80smonster · 06/06/2025 09:41

ivise · 05/06/2025 21:46

@Jumpingthruhoops pls never change your mind. We been sold a big lie . It’s literally a scam unless you have a village

Yep parenting, unless you’re a frustrated primary school type, isn’t for everyone. I adore my DD, but have come to realise I don’t particularly love children or parenting, my previous hesitance was in fact instinctive and should have been listened to more carefully. I’ve stuck with 1 and wasn’t interested in another and never will be.

Newnamesagain · 06/06/2025 09:45

I think you're just touched out. The only effective solution I've found is a few days away to reset. You partner really does need to step up too.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 06/06/2025 09:50

Tough times for you, however you committed to the role when you passed your first trimester.
It isn't fair on the child, that you want your freedom back and hate the mundane routine, you got an anxious child, we don't have a choice when it comes to their individuality.
Some are calm, others aren't.
I'm not denying it is difficult.
Feeling harsh will make it worse.

woefulliving · 06/06/2025 15:02

I feel just like you do. I love the kids so much but this is the hardest thing I've ever done. For me it's definitely burn out. Zero time to myself, constantly at everyone's beck and call. Their needs outweighing mine

I think all you can do it realise that this path isn't working, so changes have to happen. It's a vicious cycle because an exhausted and miserable mum leaves the kids not getting their needs met and needing you more. Can you take some time off work? Arrange for someone else to have them after school once a week so you can do something for you?

orangejacketlamp · 06/06/2025 22:16

I have a 5 and 3.5 year old. Bed times are easy thankfully but the rest of the day with them is hell. I actually hate it. My two fight non stop. Non stop. Every sentence between them is a tease or taunt. I feel like I’m back in the baby stage that I can’t even go for a wee/get changed/ shower without all hell breaking loose between them.

my 5 year old is a moaning whiny little 💩 who is never happy with his lot. Always pushing for more. Always looking out for what he can do next. He puts so much effort into teasing his sister I can see the glee on his face when she takes the bait.

My 3.5 year old is also miserable to be around at the moment. Argues the toss about EVERYTHING I ask her to do. Whilst she is easier to please than my boy, I used to call her little miss sunshine and now my sunshine has been replaced with a moaning threenager who is capable of honestly ruining everyone’s day.

I hate my life right now, honestly I get anxious waking up in the mornings, an hour after being up with them I want to literally run away. I go upstairs lock myself in the bathroom and cry because I just feel so trapped. Even walking to school in the mornings I silently cry because they are either moaning about the weather, legs are sore, feet tired, it’s too bright. It’s endless. The whining is ENDLESS. I had a breakdown not too long ago where I told my partner that I regret having kids. That I don’t actually think I have what it takes and I feel so guilty that I’m literally counting down the years until I get my life back.

everychildmatters · 06/06/2025 22:19

What do you do outside of parenthood? Work? Hobbies?
I have a 5 yo and I would hate to just be mum 24/7 - I'd feel so bored and trapped.

Cakeandusername · 06/06/2025 22:32

You mention no village. Work at building your own. One dc is nice as you can invite a friend to play in holidays or on a trip and then they reciprocate so you get free time.
Is she in rainbows? (Girlguiding) I remember painting downstairs loo when my dd went on a trip with them - 8-5pm it was so odd to have a big stretch of time. By brownies age 7 they go away on pack holidays.
Teen babysitter?

Skulling · 06/06/2025 22:35

OP that age was bloody tough for me, and I had family support. Truthfully I enjoyed being a mother much more once they’d reached 8/9. Being able to do things for themselves like clean teeth, shower, get their own breakfast made a massive difference. Also they’re much more interesting to talk to by then. I look back at photos and can’t believe I didn’t appreciate how cute they were at that age, but 5 is brutal!