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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep the cheaper, smaller house to be a SAHM for a few years?

103 replies

PlantPowerr · 05/06/2025 17:06

Please help me decide mumsnet! WWYD?

I have 2 small DCs (5 months and 3ys) and am hoping for one more when baby is around 2/3y. We are looking at selling our house (lovely house but no parking and only 2 bed) to upsize to something bigger and closer to our work places. This will increase our mortgage significantly (over double what we currently pay) but will cut our commute and we will be closer to family and friends.

I am on maternity leave and I have been loving all the time I have with my kids. When I was at work I was lucky to see my elder dc for more than 1.5 hours on a weekday. I have a stressful job (teacher) and I often bring work home with me. I love my job and despite the stresses I want to continue in my career.

My DH has suggested that I could really cut my hours or even full quit my job for a few years while the kids are little. This would mean staying in the smaller house which although only two bed is still quite large. I love the idea of doing this? When will they be this little again? However I’m also so worried about leaving my job. What if I don’t get hired again? What if I lose my confidence and can’t find a post? Is it a mistake to stay in this smaller house? Will I be employable? I really don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

YABU - Get back to work and sell the house
YANBU - Stay at home for a few years and stay put.

OP posts:
TillyTrifle · 05/06/2025 19:49

PlantPowerr · 05/06/2025 19:16

It is well received - I wanted honest opinions. This point is definitely rolling around in my brain. I suppose I keep minimising it by thinking about how my grandma’s generation had 5, 6 & 7 kids all crammed together in a 3 bed terraced. Although two bed, the rooms are bigger than an average two bed 🤷‍♀️

I will admit that I am an only child though so the idea of lots of siblings and sharing rooms was always a romantic and fun notion in my head. But you’ve definitely given me food for thought! Thank you.

Show quote history

I’m glad I didn’t offend you too much with my honesty! Bear in mind that in our grandparents’ day that was normal and everyone largely lived like that. Now it’s unusual. Your kids will be aware that their friends don’t all share rooms with multiple siblings. So I think it’s quite different in this day and age. We have different, higher standards for our family life and I think that’s a good thing.

I am one of two and I have two myself. Fab to have siblings but everyone having enough space for themselves is essential to managing those relationships. Enforced living on top of one another does nothing to promote sibling harmony, trust me!

Radra · 05/06/2025 19:52

Your house isn't big enough even now with a family of a couple and two children. You wouldn't be buying a bigger house - in the sense of 'I fancy the idea of living in a bigger house' - so much as buying a house that is big enough for you as a growing family. That is important. I would even say a necessity

I would agree with this. It isn't about prioritising a fancy mansion but I do think adequately housing your children is important and more so than having a SAHP but this is about what your values are, I guess.

I also think relying on children happily sharing is a big gamble, even when they are young. One of mine would love to share, the other even from a young age really strongly prefers his own space and sleeps much better for it - you just don't know what you will get.

Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 05/06/2025 19:54

YellowBun · 05/06/2025 17:59

No question at all, smaller house. Be with your children! It goes by so fast and is so precious.

Exactly what I would have written.

i am sahm for now. Would choose it again 10 times over. I love my life with our babies

Ottersmith · 05/06/2025 20:09

Smaller house. See your kids. No brainer. Or get a part time TA job or something to let husband have an extra day off.

Ottersmith · 05/06/2025 20:10

Smaller house. See your kids. No brainer. Or get a part time TA job or something to let husband have an extra day off.

Newnamesagain · 05/06/2025 20:23

I'd always suggest both dropping to 3 days rather than only having one wage. Once you adjust for childcare costs, tax, and child benefit, you'd be surprised how little difference it makes to take home.

TheGrimSmile · 05/06/2025 20:41

Stay at home!

everychildmatters · 05/06/2025 20:51

If you're an experienced teacher then it will quite possibly be hard to get back into work, especially if you have lots of time away. Most schools only want cheaper teachers these days due to budgets. Also bear in mind there's no pay portability any more so you're pay scale point is pretty much irrelevant.
I left primary teaching after 20 years last year and have never looked back. Now an EOTAS Tutor and also get to be a mum to my own kids ❤️
Bear in mind also that a 3-day teaching contract, or any pt time teaching contract, is never that. You will be doing many unpaid hours.

ICantPretend · 05/06/2025 20:52

PlantPowerr · 05/06/2025 18:10

Yes I feel like this sometimes. Well, maybe not quite “hell”. But for only a few years… in exchange for more time with my DC…

Show quote history

Honestly, please don't underestimate the constant low level stress of living somewhere too small with young kids. I did it for a couple of years, and it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders once we moved to somewhere bigger.

And that was 3 kids in a 3 bed! I can't even imagine how awful it would have been in a 2 bed. I'd much rather work to avoid it. Can you do part time?

Brentinger · 05/06/2025 21:12

Poopeepoopee · 05/06/2025 17:07

Stay home. You can always make money, you can never make time.

This

gattocattivo · 05/06/2025 22:45

@PlantPowerrit sounds like you want to stay home.
those early years with children are indeed wonderful; I enjoyed every minute and felt super lucky that we could afford great childcare so I could also work 3 days a week.
But if you want to stay home and your dh is in agreement then fair enough. I would definitely keep paying into a private pension though until you can resume your teaching one

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 05/06/2025 22:50

Go for it OP! Best thing I ever did was resigning from teaching almost 7 years ago to be a SAHM. Best years of my life so far 🥰

Walkerzoo · 06/06/2025 06:39

I am glad I didn't give up work. It ensured that the children and I were able to leave a relationship when it was needed

Also you will soon need to think about catchment areas, and bedrooms.

Is your partner's job secure?

Choppedcoriander · 06/06/2025 07:16

ICantPretend · 05/06/2025 20:52

Honestly, please don't underestimate the constant low level stress of living somewhere too small with young kids. I did it for a couple of years, and it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders once we moved to somewhere bigger.

And that was 3 kids in a 3 bed! I can't even imagine how awful it would have been in a 2 bed. I'd much rather work to avoid it. Can you do part time?

Show quote history

Well, I had three children in a two-bed and it was fine. It didn’t feel too small at all. The rooms were a decent size for the three DC to share.

Snoken · 06/06/2025 07:26

One thing to think about is the logistics of moving when you oldest (and possibly youngest currently) will be in school. Changing schools isn’t the end of the world but what are the primaries like in the location you want to move to? If the good ones are oversubscribed they may not get a place in any of your preferred schools or the kids may end up going to different schools which is a logistical nightmare. It would definitely be preferable to be in the right catchment area before the oldest is of school age for that reason.

MellowPinkDeer · 06/06/2025 07:30

I wouldn’t have a third kid in a two bed ( probably wouldn’t have had a second without the bedroom space tbh ) and I certainly wouldn’t quit my job and my pension to stay home. Sorry. You see too many women on here who do this and then are screwed when their husband decides to leave and they have nothing. It’s not for me. You’re a teacher so have 13 weeks off at home anyway, I’d just do part time when they are small and ramp it up whilst they are all at school.

DiscoBeat · 06/06/2025 07:33

Stay home! You can always change your mind later if you find it's not for you. Anyway, I would hate to have a huge mortgage.

Wells37 · 06/06/2025 07:50

I would stay at home. I had a friend who was a primary school teacher and very easily got a job again when her kids were older.
I think she worked as a substitute teacher very occasionally (maybe 6-12 days a year). When she wanted a full time job she got one very easily.

GabriellaMontez · 06/06/2025 08:02

There are loads of families locally living in 2 bed flats. Many of them from overseas.

It's so mumsnet to imagine that living in less than a 3 bed semi is something only our grandparents did.

Also, its different when you known its short term.

I was a sahm for several years. It definitely affected my career. I have no regrets.

Wells37 · 06/06/2025 08:12

but I would start paying a small amount into a private pension. Something I should have done sooner!

nc43214321 · 06/06/2025 08:13

like others have said if you stay at home ask for pension contributions and also don’t take on all the drudgery work as it’s hard to then get back to work. With all household and childcare responsibility, if you do make it very clear that things will have to change back when you go back to work.

TillyTrifle · 06/06/2025 10:24

nc43214321 · 06/06/2025 08:13

like others have said if you stay at home ask for pension contributions and also don’t take on all the drudgery work as it’s hard to then get back to work. With all household and childcare responsibility, if you do make it very clear that things will have to change back when you go back to work.

Be a stay at home mum but don’t take on the drudgery?! So you would expect the man to go out to work and support the whole family but also continue to do half the housework? Of course you share the load to some degree as things will always need doing during evenings and weekends but surely half the benefit of having a stay at home parent is that they cover the bulk of the domestic load. I’d certainly give my husband short shift if he said he was giving up work but not doing any more of the domestic tasks as it would make it too hard if he wants to go back to work in a few years 😂

nc43214321 · 06/06/2025 10:27

TillyTrifle · 06/06/2025 10:24

Be a stay at home mum but don’t take on the drudgery?! So you would expect the man to go out to work and support the whole family but also continue to do half the housework? Of course you share the load to some degree as things will always need doing during evenings and weekends but surely half the benefit of having a stay at home parent is that they cover the bulk of the domestic load. I’d certainly give my husband short shift if he said he was giving up work but not doing any more of the domestic tasks as it would make it too hard if he wants to go back to work in a few years 😂

Show quote history

Well doing the childcare alone with 2 kids is alot of work, with the mental load, all domestic duties, no one needs a man child! If he lived alone he would have to look after himself….

nc43214321 · 06/06/2025 10:33

After knowing what I know now…. Id definitely stayed at work part time but everyone is different. Also depends on if family can help you with childcare etc.

Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 06/06/2025 10:40

Walkerzoo · 06/06/2025 06:39

I am glad I didn't give up work. It ensured that the children and I were able to leave a relationship when it was needed

Also you will soon need to think about catchment areas, and bedrooms.

Is your partner's job secure?

When you say is your partners job secure - what do you mean? As in he’s not on a zero hours contract? Or in a probation period?
or likely to get made redundant? (Isn’t this possible for everyone?)