To keep the cheaper, smaller house to be a SAHM for a few years?

[PlantPowerr]

Please help me decide mumsnet! WWYD?

I have 2 small DCs (5 months and 3ys) and am hoping for one more when baby is around 2/3y. We are looking at selling our house (lovely house but no parking and only 2 bed) to upsize to something bigger and closer to our work places. This will increase our mortgage significantly (over double what we currently pay) but will cut our commute and we will be closer to family and friends.

I am on maternity leave and I have been loving all the time I have with my kids. When I was at work I was lucky to see my elder dc for more than 1.5 hours on a weekday. I have a stressful job (teacher) and I often bring work home with me. I love my job and despite the stresses I want to continue in my career.

My DH has suggested that I could really cut my hours or even full quit my job for a few years while the kids are little. This would mean staying in the smaller house which although only two bed is still quite large. I love the idea of doing this? When will they be this little again? However I’m also so worried about leaving my job. What if I don’t get hired again? What if I lose my confidence and can’t find a post? Is it a mistake to stay in this smaller house? Will I be employable? I really don’t know what to do.

What would you do?

YABU - Get back to work and sell the house
YANBU - Stay at home for a few years and stay put.

I’d stay at the smaller house. I work in education too in SLT and my job would be difficult to step back into, especially not part time so I reduced my hours to two days a week. I’ve absolutely loved having the balance of time at home with my DC and still working. However, if I knew it wouldn’t have affected my career like in your situation, I wouldn’t hesitate to stay home. I have a few primary teacher friends and they went back a couple of days a week as supply and enjoyed that too.

I vote for the stay home/ smaller house option. You can never get this time back and you will still be employable in a few years.
Maybe consider part time work or a job share as a compromise?

We will be trying for a third regardless of what we decide. Will mean I can only take around 6 months mat leave if we do move though.

I think I'd go for the middle ground of going down to 2 days a week. It means you could move sooner, you keep the job in the area you plan to move to, some maternity pay for the third and you still get all the holidays with them.

This is what I keep coming back to. I will admit to not being very financially savvy regarding pensions especially so definitely something I’ve noted from all these posts.

The house would be a temporary situation so we would not get to the point of have older kids/teens piled into a two bed. I just keep thinking about how I’ll never get this time back. I love my job so don’t want to half-arse that either.

If you stay at home, will you have to repay the maternity pay? That might be an issue. I don’t have kids but I know in the NHS (where I work) you have to return to work after maternity leave or pay the money back.

Yes, shared bank account. DH is supportive of whichever I would prefer. TBH DH would love to be a SAHD but he earns more so wouldn’t work. He also makes the tea most nights.

Hard to advise as a lot will depend on how you feel about looking after small children. I took a year out when my son was 1 (Dd was 3) out of necessity because he didn’t settle at childcare and it was becoming distressing for everyone (he was later diagnosed with ASD) I found it quite isolating and exhausting, particularly with a high needs child. I went back to work for a rest. And even though I had full access to all the money, hated living off someone else’s salary.

I would stay put without a moment hesitation. You never get the years without your kids back.

Nothing stops you from looking for a part-time job when your youngest starts nursery, so your CV doesn't have a big gap.

I'd go part time. Maintain your skills and pension but have more time with the kids. Save a bit more of a deposit to make the leap to a bigger place easier.

I would have said no for many professions, but teaching is different. I would go for it in that scenario. Can you do any ad hoc supply teaching if needed?

my only concern would be having 3 kids in 1 bedroom. a 7 year old is not going to go to bed the same time as a 1 year old and a 4 year old, and between them they'll have a lot of stuff.
I'd be more tempted to go part time, even if just 2 days. Plus then you'd get maternity pay for the 3rd baby.
Agree with pp's that you'd probably always easily go back to work in teaching though, even if you took 5 years off. You just might not want to!

Honestly OP and I’m not trying to be unkind, I think that it’s pretty selfish to just forge ahead with a third child that you can’t afford to house appropriately. If you’re planning on that third child in 2-3 years time your eldest will be a world away from where they are now. They will be more in need of their own space and that will only increase further over the few years that you anticipate this living situation lasting. Yes you ‘can’ technically house a family of five in a two bed but is it responsible or fair on the children you already have to actively plan for that just because you want another baby? Sorry if that comes across as really blunt and rude but it’s an honest opinion. Your existing children’s needs and best interests should come first and it’s hard to see how cramming them into a two bed house with an additional sibling benefits them. If you want a third baby that much then I believe you should continue working in order to put an appropriate roof over their heads. What you want is to be a SAHM of three but from where I’m sitting you can’t afford that. Sorry, I know this won’t be well received.

Could he drop to 4 days and then you do supply one day?

Especially if he is on higher rate tax, that works out to be quite good £ wise as your day would be under the income tax threshold but his lost day at 40% plus NICs etc

Your kids are only little for a short time, so I’d go for the sham route.

Do you have any family support nearby? Could you go as a supply teacher or do pt to keep your hand in?

How do you think you'll look back on each option on your deathbed?

Your house isn't big enough even now with a family of a couple and two children. You wouldn't be buying a bigger house - in the sense of 'I fancy the idea of living in a bigger house' - so much as buying a house that is big enough for you as a growing family. That is important. I would even say a necessity. Only you can decide though.

You could keep working, buy your family sized house nearer relatives and work, which would be a bonus, pay for help with children and housework during the week, get your school work done then, to free you to spend the whole two days of the weekends enjoying time with the children. Alternatively, is it feasible to work something like three days in the job you love and still buy an adequate house?

We are in a tiny place and will be for another year so I can stay home. Sometimes it’s frustrating the lack of room/we can’t really host and I love that but I am beyond grateful to have this time with DS. It being a sahm is what you want I say go for it. But make sure it’s actually what you want otherwise it can be lonely, resentment can grow (on both sides!)

Whatever you do, keep saving into your pension.

Don't know why you are even thinking about it, just do it!

Your kids are only young once and teaching is brutal.
I took six years out and then walked into a very nice part time secondary job.

We stayed in a small house and only moved when I went back to work and my husband got a promotion. We had little disposable income but it was worth it to bring up my kids myself.

All my playgroup friends had very large mortgages and had to go back to work when their kids were six months old

If you are fortunate enough to have this option I'd take it.

How many reception rooms do you have in the two bed?

You could use one as a bedroom for yourselves. Like a living room for example.

You sound happy where you are. Moving is so expensive and so stressful. And teaching is one of the most flexible and forgiving careers for parents to step out of and back into, because you will never slide down the pay scale even after a few years out. I didn’t have any trouble explaining the gap in my CV when I left a permanent post for a while to be at home with my daughter. I also did some supply work in between mat leaves with first and second and it was easy money, low pressure. I have also done some examining and some tuition here and there as it suits family life. Next year I think I will try supply work again if I can find a childcare place for youngest. Money is tighter just now, yes, but with three smallies at home we are coping better with one salary and me being the primary carer. I have another 40 years to get back to work when the time comes.

It is well received - I wanted honest opinions. This point is definitely rolling around in my brain. I suppose I keep minimising it by thinking about how my grandma’s generation had 5, 6 & 7 kids all crammed together in a 3 bed terraced. Although two bed, the rooms are bigger than an average two bed 🤷‍♀️

I will admit that I am an only child though so the idea of lots of siblings and sharing rooms was always a romantic and fun notion in my head. But you’ve definitely given me food for thought! Thank you.

I did smaller house SAHM loved it so lucky

I thought I wanted a third when no 2 was only 5 months too 😂. I wouldn't make huge life decisions like this before you need to make them...I think you're getting a bit ahead of yourself. But I also wouldn't let myself be financially dependent on a man (who, it seems, maybe doesn't earn that much anyway?). But brutal but that is reality.