Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Expect Parents To Be Held More Strongly To Account For Their Children's Behaviour?

176 replies

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 16:48

I believe that parents should be held more greatly to account for their children's unacceptable behaviour.

For a case study, take the sale of alcohol and the whole fining/prosecution situation that we have in the UK around under 18 year olds purchasing alcohol. The burden of responsibility should always fall to the parents to ensure that their child doesn't buy alcohol or attempt to, not the poor shopkeeper. It should be the parents who are fined if their child attempts to buy alcohol, not the sales agent. As it stands, we have a situation where grown adults can't legitimately buy alcohol without carrying a passport or driving licence on them, even if they are considerably above the age of legal drinking. I was talking to someone the other day who said that they were asked to prove that they aren't a child to buy a bottle of wine at 30 years old. It's a ludicrous situation. On a similar note, I was behind a 40+ woman in the queue at a toiletries store and she was asked to prove that she wasn't a child in order to buy a pair of tweezers.

I don't know what jurisdiction other Mumsnetters are in, but in the UK we have a problem with children behaving wholly unacceptably and the parents not bothering to do anything about it because of lack of accountability. In my city, there are areas where the bus services have had to be curtailed of an evening because someone's little "darlings" (I could use other words but they might not be in-keeping with forum rules) are throwing bricks, eggs and goodness knows what at the windows. Social services should investigate as soon as the police raise concerns about illegal behaviour. The parents should take the blame for this behaviour.

A couple of months ago, there was a girl in a city centre that I was in who was threatening grown ups with a knife, whilst riding a bicycle on a pedestrianised street. The "mother" later emerged from a bookmakers, seemingly off of her face on some kind of substance. I told the mother she should teach her child how to behave and what's not acceptable and the mother didn't seem to care less. If it was down to me, the "mother" would be charged with causing an affray by neglecting to control her child, who threatened people with a knife.

Being a parent is not an easy job, and it's not a part time job either. When my children are older, they will not be loitering outside shops and trying to buy alcohol or to encourage adults to buy for them. They shall certainly be treating others with due respect. They will not be on the streets, bored and vandalising property. My husband and I will encourage them to develop hobbies and interests, such as football, music, art, even cinema. We have planned to reduce our hours at work and budgeted for it, so that when the children become too old for our au-pair, that we can ensure that they aren't on the streets, getting up to mischief. We are going to educate our children on the law and the consequences of breaking the law. Of course, we allow them to play and let off steam. They do push boundaries occasionally but we always let them know that certain kinds of behaviour is unacceptable and will result in sanctions such as no internet access for a week, or even longer depending on the severity of the misbehaviour. We allow our children to play and they do occasionally act up or be a little 'cheeky' but they are well aware that there is a line that they do not cross.

What do you think about the matter of unacceptable behaviour of other people's children? Does it anger you that the parents aren't held accountable as much as they should? Are your own children ever guilty of behaving in an un-savoury manner? Vote in the poll and share your thoughts.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 05/06/2025 16:58

I think some people shouldn't have children. There's an online influencer telling people to give their autistic children bleach and people are doing it. They're too stupid to be responsible for humans.

Some parents are lazy, God knows why they had children.

Olderbeforemytime · 05/06/2025 17:01

Chat GTP?

What do you want SS to do about it? You can make people improve their parenting. Well, not without substantially financial support in the form of family support workers.

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 17:02

MiloMinderbinder925 · 05/06/2025 16:58

I think some people shouldn't have children. There's an online influencer telling people to give their autistic children bleach and people are doing it. They're too stupid to be responsible for humans.

Some parents are lazy, God knows why they had children.

Golly, some people should not be in charge of their own care, let alone a child's. I hope law enforcement got involved with the parents giving their children bleach.

I completely agree with you, not everyone is suitable to be a parent. Lazy parents are the worst.

OP posts:
BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 17:07

Olderbeforemytime · 05/06/2025 17:01

Chat GTP?

What do you want SS to do about it? You can make people improve their parenting. Well, not without substantially financial support in the form of family support workers.

Not sure what you mean by "chat GPT?"...did you mean that for another thread?

Social services should be involved because there is obviously a case of neglect if children are committing anti-social behaviour and breaking the law. I'm also not sure what you mean about SS providing funding, as they don't do this, though they can work with charities for grants in extreme circumstances. It's not funding that's the issue it's a lack of discipline on the parents' part which passes down on to the children. No one said parenting was easy, there are those who are cut out for it and there are those who aren't. The general public should not have to suffer because of someone's lazy parenting.

OP posts:
123ZYX · 05/06/2025 17:07

What do you expect to happen when your children go to university and go from being fully supervised to having no supervision? They won’t have had the chance to learn how to have independence.

The teenage years are for gaining and learning independence, with the safety net of supportive parents. If they’re not allowed out on their own, how do they learn?

Its like saying you won’t let your toddler walk until they are capable of doing it without falling, and u til then you’ll carry them everywhere so they don’t get hurt. Unfortunately, the only way to learn is to make mistakes.

123ZYX · 05/06/2025 17:09

To be clear, I’m not suggesting antisocial behaviour is “making mistakes”, but attempting to buy alcohol because they’ve been given the freedom to try is part of growing up.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 05/06/2025 17:09

If in any doubt at all, the age of the person buying needs to be checked. Making parents responsible for their child trying to buy alcohol doesn't mean 30 year olds will never need to prove their age, some people look younger than they are and some people are terrible at judging age.

If we're generally going to hold parents responsible for their children's behaviours there needs to be help available for those who ask for it. Punishing parents who have repeatedly begged for help with their child is not something I'm in favour of. Get CAMHS and other services working - because at the moment they're not.

CourageConsort · 05/06/2025 17:10

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 17:07

Not sure what you mean by "chat GPT?"...did you mean that for another thread?

Social services should be involved because there is obviously a case of neglect if children are committing anti-social behaviour and breaking the law. I'm also not sure what you mean about SS providing funding, as they don't do this, though they can work with charities for grants in extreme circumstances. It's not funding that's the issue it's a lack of discipline on the parents' part which passes down on to the children. No one said parenting was easy, there are those who are cut out for it and there are those who aren't. The general public should not have to suffer because of someone's lazy parenting.

That poster is suggesting ChatGPT wrote your post.

I ask again, what do you think should be done about minors and anti-social behaviour? Are you suggesting the laws be changed so that any crimes or law breaking committed by under-18s are in fact counted as charges against the parents, too? So if a 15 year old kills someone, the parent faces the same sentence? Or that the 'unfit' be prevented from reproducing via forced sterilisation or compulsory longterm contraception?

ARichtGoodDram · 05/06/2025 17:10

Good luck with your plans

Parenting isn't easy, as you say, and kids who play up aren't necessarily the product of shit parenting.

One of my girls was an absolute nightmare for a 6 month period. Including one memorable occasion when, while grounded, she climbed out of a second floor window. She was acting out after being assaulted at school. We tried all the sanctions you can think of.

Thankfully she eventually encountered an old fashioned policeman who, at the risk of getting a complaint had we been different parents, absolutely put the fear of god into her about prison. It was the breakthrough.
Neither her twin sister nor 18 month older brother played up in the same way at all.

There is no help out there for desperate parents. I know a parent whose son was being targeted by county lines gangs (like many in their area) who resorted to selling their business and moving to Scotland just to get away as there was no help anyway for her.

ARichtGoodDram · 05/06/2025 17:13

Selling alcohol should always be the responsibility of the person selling it - they're the one with the legal responsibility to not sell to children or anyone already too intoxicated and that's how it should be imo

Emotionalsupporthamster · 05/06/2025 17:15

Make way for OP everyone, world’s best future parent of teenagers coming through Hmm

5128gap · 05/06/2025 17:16

I agree with the principle of parental accountability, but not with your example. Practically parents can't follow their 17 year olds round all day to make sure they're not buying alcohol, so the only way of policing it is at purchase stage. I think its difficult for a parent of young children to fully understand the difficulties in balancing giving older teens autonomy and trust and supervising them sufficiently closely they never behave in problematic ways. It's laudable that you have plans to put the foundations in place to raise responsible children. But you may find when they're bigger than you, care more for the opinions of their peers than their parents, and it would be age inaporopriate to keep them in sight at all times that the best laid plans...

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 17:20

CourageConsort · 05/06/2025 17:10

That poster is suggesting ChatGPT wrote your post.

I ask again, what do you think should be done about minors and anti-social behaviour? Are you suggesting the laws be changed so that any crimes or law breaking committed by under-18s are in fact counted as charges against the parents, too? So if a 15 year old kills someone, the parent faces the same sentence? Or that the 'unfit' be prevented from reproducing via forced sterilisation or compulsory longterm contraception?

I don't know what or who Chat GPT is. I wrote my post by myself.

Yes, I do think that the parents should face the same charges that the children who commit crimes face. We already have similar procedures in terms of truancy, where the parents will be fined for un-authorised absences and the child will also face detention/isolation etc.

I ask where are the parents whilst a 15 year old is out killing someone? Why does a 15 year old not know that it's wrong to kill someone and to carry weapons? Who is responsible for teaching a child wrong from right? It falls down to the parents. If the parents don't know/care about wrong from right, then how can the child? Social services need to be on the cases of parents of children who have had anti-social behaviour concerns raised about their behaviour. Not just box ticking either, there needs to be a pro-active relationship between the authorities and parents until the authorities can be satisfied that the un-acceptable behaviour has stopped. If say a child is caught spraying graffiti on a bus shelter at 10 o clock at night, then questions need to be asked as to why the child was out at 10 o clock at night and where the parents were when this happened. Supervised discipline from the children's social services and punishment for the child, as well as the parent being fined for allowing an out of control child to cause damage would be a good deterrent. If a tree from my garden was allowed to get in to a state of decay and fell on to my neighbour's greenhouse and broke it, that would be my responsibility as the tree guardian for not keeping it in check.

I hope your suggestion regarding forced sterilization was tongue in cheek, as I don't want to live in a society where such a thing is implemented, that would be barbaric.

OP posts:
WobblyBoots · 05/06/2025 17:22

YABU

My DM did her absolute best but I was out with my mates in the 90's (kids with parents ranging not doing great to those doing very well in life) buying booze and fags at 15.

Teenagers engage in risky behaviour some more so than others. Other than providing a loving, caring, supportive home with good boundaries you'd be a fool to think there is much you can do about teenagers being teenagers.

HollyBerryz · 05/06/2025 17:24

yabu. Children are people, they have free will, parents cannot control their every move in life once they start to build their independence and nor should they, particularly older children.

HangingOver · 05/06/2025 17:24

When my children are older, they will not be loitering outside shops and trying to buy alcohol or to encourage adults to buy for them. They shall certainly be treating others with due respect

You can't actually know this

TheaBrandt1 · 05/06/2025 17:25

Hmm I get what you are saying but I know excellent parents whose teens temporarily went off the rails and they did all they could. I hope you never have to learn this lesson the hard way op. All your actions won’t necessarily prevent your own teen behaving badly.

OhMyGollyGoshGosh · 05/06/2025 17:25

I don't really get the alcohol thing?

In one breath you're saying that shopkeepers are asking for ID and in another breath you're saying that if they sell it to a child without ID, that's the parent's fault?

It's always the shopkeeper's fault if they're willing to sell banned things to children.

The rest of your post is all pretty much obviously down to parents.

ARichtGoodDram · 05/06/2025 17:25

I ask where are the parents whilst a 15 year old is out killing someone? Why does a 15 year old not know that it's wrong to kill someone and to carry weapons?

There are no 15 year olds out carrying weapons that don't know that's wrong.

Just the same as there are no 40 year old bank robbers that don't know it's wrong, or 50 year old rapists, or 25 year old car thieves.

Octavia64 · 05/06/2025 17:25

This is very easy to say when you have never had teens.

even if you have two parents, if you have three teens you cannot be with all of them all the time.

some teens do drugs and run away from home and are violent. Some teens develop schizophrenia or psychosis and believe me there is fuck all help available for either mentally ill teens or their parents.

good luck keeping your teen under control if they have a psychotic episode.

ARichtGoodDram · 05/06/2025 17:27

If a tree from my garden was allowed to get in to a state of decay and fell on to my neighbour's greenhouse and broke it, that would be my responsibility as the tree guardian for not keeping it in check.

That's a nonsense comparison unless the tree in your garden has legs and a mind of its own.

BallerinaRadio · 05/06/2025 17:28

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 17:20

I don't know what or who Chat GPT is. I wrote my post by myself.

Yes, I do think that the parents should face the same charges that the children who commit crimes face. We already have similar procedures in terms of truancy, where the parents will be fined for un-authorised absences and the child will also face detention/isolation etc.

I ask where are the parents whilst a 15 year old is out killing someone? Why does a 15 year old not know that it's wrong to kill someone and to carry weapons? Who is responsible for teaching a child wrong from right? It falls down to the parents. If the parents don't know/care about wrong from right, then how can the child? Social services need to be on the cases of parents of children who have had anti-social behaviour concerns raised about their behaviour. Not just box ticking either, there needs to be a pro-active relationship between the authorities and parents until the authorities can be satisfied that the un-acceptable behaviour has stopped. If say a child is caught spraying graffiti on a bus shelter at 10 o clock at night, then questions need to be asked as to why the child was out at 10 o clock at night and where the parents were when this happened. Supervised discipline from the children's social services and punishment for the child, as well as the parent being fined for allowing an out of control child to cause damage would be a good deterrent. If a tree from my garden was allowed to get in to a state of decay and fell on to my neighbour's greenhouse and broke it, that would be my responsibility as the tree guardian for not keeping it in check.

I hope your suggestion regarding forced sterilization was tongue in cheek, as I don't want to live in a society where such a thing is implemented, that would be barbaric.

No way did you write the post yourself. Unless you're AI. Which is a strong possibility. 100% some sort of AI has been involved in writing this. I knew it would be with the capitalisation in the title.

Tarrybankheidi · 05/06/2025 17:29

Natural selection has dissapeared in human beings.

OhMyGollyGoshGosh · 05/06/2025 17:29

I ask where are the parents whilst a 15 year old is out killing someone? Why does a 15 year old not know that it's wrong to kill someone and to carry weapons? Who is responsible for teaching a child wrong from right? It falls down to the parents. If the parents don't know/care about wrong from right, then how can the child?

I also don't get this ^^ really?

Yes, the parents should know where their children are.

But what do you mean 'Why does a 15 year old not know that it's wrong to kill someone and carry weapons'?

That's just ridiculously disingenuous isn't it?

All 15 year olds know that it's wrong to kill someone and carry weapons 😳

ShesTheAlbatross · 05/06/2025 17:31

I think that if you’re selling an age restricted product, there is an element of responsibility that comes with that.

Even if separately you wanted parents held to account, I think that the person selling needs to also be responsible.