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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Expect Parents To Be Held More Strongly To Account For Their Children's Behaviour?

176 replies

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 16:48

I believe that parents should be held more greatly to account for their children's unacceptable behaviour.

For a case study, take the sale of alcohol and the whole fining/prosecution situation that we have in the UK around under 18 year olds purchasing alcohol. The burden of responsibility should always fall to the parents to ensure that their child doesn't buy alcohol or attempt to, not the poor shopkeeper. It should be the parents who are fined if their child attempts to buy alcohol, not the sales agent. As it stands, we have a situation where grown adults can't legitimately buy alcohol without carrying a passport or driving licence on them, even if they are considerably above the age of legal drinking. I was talking to someone the other day who said that they were asked to prove that they aren't a child to buy a bottle of wine at 30 years old. It's a ludicrous situation. On a similar note, I was behind a 40+ woman in the queue at a toiletries store and she was asked to prove that she wasn't a child in order to buy a pair of tweezers.

I don't know what jurisdiction other Mumsnetters are in, but in the UK we have a problem with children behaving wholly unacceptably and the parents not bothering to do anything about it because of lack of accountability. In my city, there are areas where the bus services have had to be curtailed of an evening because someone's little "darlings" (I could use other words but they might not be in-keeping with forum rules) are throwing bricks, eggs and goodness knows what at the windows. Social services should investigate as soon as the police raise concerns about illegal behaviour. The parents should take the blame for this behaviour.

A couple of months ago, there was a girl in a city centre that I was in who was threatening grown ups with a knife, whilst riding a bicycle on a pedestrianised street. The "mother" later emerged from a bookmakers, seemingly off of her face on some kind of substance. I told the mother she should teach her child how to behave and what's not acceptable and the mother didn't seem to care less. If it was down to me, the "mother" would be charged with causing an affray by neglecting to control her child, who threatened people with a knife.

Being a parent is not an easy job, and it's not a part time job either. When my children are older, they will not be loitering outside shops and trying to buy alcohol or to encourage adults to buy for them. They shall certainly be treating others with due respect. They will not be on the streets, bored and vandalising property. My husband and I will encourage them to develop hobbies and interests, such as football, music, art, even cinema. We have planned to reduce our hours at work and budgeted for it, so that when the children become too old for our au-pair, that we can ensure that they aren't on the streets, getting up to mischief. We are going to educate our children on the law and the consequences of breaking the law. Of course, we allow them to play and let off steam. They do push boundaries occasionally but we always let them know that certain kinds of behaviour is unacceptable and will result in sanctions such as no internet access for a week, or even longer depending on the severity of the misbehaviour. We allow our children to play and they do occasionally act up or be a little 'cheeky' but they are well aware that there is a line that they do not cross.

What do you think about the matter of unacceptable behaviour of other people's children? Does it anger you that the parents aren't held accountable as much as they should? Are your own children ever guilty of behaving in an un-savoury manner? Vote in the poll and share your thoughts.

OP posts:
BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 20:04

SpanThatWorld · 05/06/2025 19:01

Yes, I do think that the parents should face the same charges that the children who commit crimes face.

This is just nonsense. Teenagers are influenced by peers, not just parents.

One of my kids has a double first from Cambridge. One spent the same 3 years lying, cheating and getting into trouble. Which one followed my lead?

Without knowing your "lead", it would be hard to say.

Would you have taken extra care to ensure that your children weren't getting up to underage drinking/shoplifting/vandalism/terrorising the community if you, yourself would have been liable for arrest and not your child?

When one of my children was a little younger, they kept going towards a fireplace at my husband's parent's house. I told them not to and that it could be dangerous and burn. They tried to go near to it again, I told them if they went towards the fireplace again, they would be taken to a different room and wouldn't be allowed to stay up as promised (it's an occasional treat that we let them stay up for 30 minutes or so past their bedtime when we go away for a weekend or so). Guess what, they didn't go near to it again nor have they ever played with fire since.

Instruction
Explanation
Consequence

It's a simple but very effective formula.

OP posts:
CandyCane457 · 05/06/2025 20:06

I think the example of the 15 year old girl waving a knife about on a bike and her mum being off her face is very extreme.
And then in a further post where you question where the parents of 15 year old out killing people. Do you honestly believe it’s that easy for parents to keep an eye on their 15 year olds every move? And yes, killing people is extreme.

My brother and I had the same upbringing, I was absolutely good as gold, my brother was a tear away. Nothing horrendous (he didn’t wave knives at people or murder them) but he was in with a wrong crowd and from age 14/15 was getting up to all sorts of mischief, drinking, smoking, and was generally quite naughty/rude at school. My parents didn’t know the HALF of what he was getting up to. They put sanctions in place and parented well, but he often disregarded rules and if he was grounded would just go out anyway.

You make parenting teens sound SO easy, OP. Good luck to you when your time comes, hope it goes as well as you’ve planned.

CandyCane457 · 05/06/2025 20:12

Instruction
Explanation
Consequence
It's a simple but very effective formula.

God I wish I live in your world where everything is so simple!

ARichtGoodDram · 05/06/2025 20:15

Instruction
Explanation
Consequence

It's a simple but very effective formula.

If you're real you may very well be in for a very rude awakening when your children are older if you think parenting teens is remotely that simple.

Tiswa · 05/06/2025 20:19

@BigFatBully How old are your children now?

because instruction consequence explanation is very good for pre school/infant school children

not so much teenagers!

HollyBerryz · 05/06/2025 20:31

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 20:04

Without knowing your "lead", it would be hard to say.

Would you have taken extra care to ensure that your children weren't getting up to underage drinking/shoplifting/vandalism/terrorising the community if you, yourself would have been liable for arrest and not your child?

When one of my children was a little younger, they kept going towards a fireplace at my husband's parent's house. I told them not to and that it could be dangerous and burn. They tried to go near to it again, I told them if they went towards the fireplace again, they would be taken to a different room and wouldn't be allowed to stay up as promised (it's an occasional treat that we let them stay up for 30 minutes or so past their bedtime when we go away for a weekend or so). Guess what, they didn't go near to it again nor have they ever played with fire since.

Instruction
Explanation
Consequence

It's a simple but very effective formula.

Your posts will not age well when you have teenagers OP 🤣

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 20:47

Thinking back to when I was growing up and my peers. It's the ones whose parents instilled a sense of discipline and respect in to them that have made great successes of their lives. The ones whose parents understood that as the parent, what they say goes. Those peers have gone on to become cabin crew, athletes, school teachers, lawyers and doctors. The peers whose parents didn't care where they were at night or what they got up to, those people are all now unemployed and not doing much with their life.

Of course, fun, enjoyment and some freedom is important, of all ages, even in adult hood. But a sense of routine and discipline helps children to feel safe and at ease. It also prepares them for adult life. We can't throw a hissy fit and not pay our bills or show up for work just because we don't feel like it.

I watched this clip from back in 1993 (I don't think we're allowed to share links here), when respect and decency was still highly valued in society. The woman, who is now a successful media personality (Judge Judy) was working as an attorney in Family Court and she lists a lot of the problems mentioned in this thread:- the passing of responsibility between different people and organisations, the lack of consequences for bad actions. At the end of the clip, she was asked if she thought things would be worse in future years if the problems with lack of responsibility increased. Her answer "worse, a lot worse" and boy was she right! Responsibility and a sense of right from wrong is of paramount importance to her and as an example, all of her children lead successful lives with good jobs, her granddaughter even practices law and has been called to bar.

For those saying "what about the cost of getting stricter on parents, who is going to fund it", well we can afford to send money to foreign countries from the public purse. We can afford to pay for members of Parliament to wallpaper their houses (Lord only knows why they can't pay for it themselves), so we have the free money to stop problematic behaviour in adolescence and help parents lay the foundations from an even earlier age of what's acceptable and what's not. Unfortunately, children who grow up without discipline tend to become un-disciplined adults, with no jobs, living off the state, sometimes committing crimes that costs public money to sort out. A better way would be to put a stop to such behaviour in childhood and show them the importance of getting good grades, to get a good job and live a good quality of life.

OP posts:
SpanThatWorld · 05/06/2025 20:50

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 20:04

Without knowing your "lead", it would be hard to say.

Would you have taken extra care to ensure that your children weren't getting up to underage drinking/shoplifting/vandalism/terrorising the community if you, yourself would have been liable for arrest and not your child?

When one of my children was a little younger, they kept going towards a fireplace at my husband's parent's house. I told them not to and that it could be dangerous and burn. They tried to go near to it again, I told them if they went towards the fireplace again, they would be taken to a different room and wouldn't be allowed to stay up as promised (it's an occasional treat that we let them stay up for 30 minutes or so past their bedtime when we go away for a weekend or so). Guess what, they didn't go near to it again nor have they ever played with fire since.

Instruction
Explanation
Consequence

It's a simple but very effective formula.

You are incredibly patronising. Given that you use the present tense when talking about staying up past their bedtime, I'm guessing that your children are still quite young.

My "lead" was to model living a decent life, working hard and thinking of others. His peers modelled another lifestyle that he preferred.

"It's a simple but very effective formula"

Giving consequences to small children who are touching the fire is very different to giving them to a 16 year old who is taller than you, stronger than you and no longer has any fear of you. Indeed, he despised us and everything we believed in.

My other children have chisen to do the right thing, in very different ways. I don't expect medals for that. I did what I thought was right and they have made different choices. You imply that I could have done more than I did for my troubled child and that the threat of shared punishment would have made the difference.

He is my son and I love him. That love was a far greater driver for keeping him on the right path than any concern about prison. If me going to prison could have kept him out of trouble or brought him back to me, I'd have done it. But it doesn't work like that.

Dealing with that young man broke me. Until you have experienced the heartbreak that so many parents of teens have lived through, keep your smug platitudes to yourself.

lavendarwillow · 05/06/2025 21:02

I have noticed that fathers in particular are more to blame for how shitty their child is. That goes for weak fathers, absent fathers, dads who treat their child (son) like a mate and never correct them for anything. Dads who talk and treat the child’s mother like she is worthless. It’s all learned behaviour.

CoffeeCup14 · 05/06/2025 21:06

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 20:04

Without knowing your "lead", it would be hard to say.

Would you have taken extra care to ensure that your children weren't getting up to underage drinking/shoplifting/vandalism/terrorising the community if you, yourself would have been liable for arrest and not your child?

When one of my children was a little younger, they kept going towards a fireplace at my husband's parent's house. I told them not to and that it could be dangerous and burn. They tried to go near to it again, I told them if they went towards the fireplace again, they would be taken to a different room and wouldn't be allowed to stay up as promised (it's an occasional treat that we let them stay up for 30 minutes or so past their bedtime when we go away for a weekend or so). Guess what, they didn't go near to it again nor have they ever played with fire since.

Instruction
Explanation
Consequence

It's a simple but very effective formula.

Why didn't you let your child touch the fire? Is it because you were scared of social services coming and telling you off? Or is it because you didn't want your child to get hurt?

Most of the parents on this thread who have described their experience of challenging teenagers will have put themself through so much pain to try to protect their children, to help them. Their fear of what might happen to their children is far greater than their fear of a fine or a court appearance.

It's developmentally appropriate to let teenagers be independent and unsupervised. If you don't allow it, you are harming your child. But if your child is unsupervised, you can't know or control what they are doing. I'm not suggesting letting your child run wild stabbing people uncontrollably. But if your teenager walks home from school, they could be vaping. If you never let your teenager be exposed to any risk, they will not be able to make decisions as an adult.

Some of the best adults I know - kind, ethical, professional - had periods as teenagers where they shoplifted, sneaked out to drink, truanted, smoked. It's not what anyone wants for their children, but we don't get any say over the children we get. We raise them and we do the best we can, but as soon as they are exposed to the outside world, they are exposed to other influences.

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 21:08

lavendarwillow · 05/06/2025 21:02

I have noticed that fathers in particular are more to blame for how shitty their child is. That goes for weak fathers, absent fathers, dads who treat their child (son) like a mate and never correct them for anything. Dads who talk and treat the child’s mother like she is worthless. It’s all learned behaviour.

It's disgusting the way that some fathers are allowed to abscond from their responsibilities as a parent, both in terms of providing childcare and financially.

OP posts:
Oneearringlost · 05/06/2025 21:09

Whatevernext9 · 05/06/2025 17:49

Most parents don’t ‘let’ their child commit crime, and most parents raise their children to the best of their ability. You say you’d be mortified if one of your children vandalised something, under your own proposals you’d also be prosecuted and potentially lose your children to adoption. Are you really sure you would want that?

Quite, it's called "Hoist by your own petard"

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 05/06/2025 21:10

WobblyBoots · 05/06/2025 17:22

YABU

My DM did her absolute best but I was out with my mates in the 90's (kids with parents ranging not doing great to those doing very well in life) buying booze and fags at 15.

Teenagers engage in risky behaviour some more so than others. Other than providing a loving, caring, supportive home with good boundaries you'd be a fool to think there is much you can do about teenagers being teenagers.

Edited

This. I was a child of teetotal parents. They told me everything about alcohol yet I still bought it age 15.

Theunamedcat · 05/06/2025 21:11

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 17:51

My parents should be arrested because I don't know what Chat GBT is? That's an odd thing to say.

You seem to shuffle the blame between different persons and organisations and that is a classic example of where discipline breaks down. It's not the grandparents' responsibility to teach children right from wrong. It's not the schools' responsibility to ensure that children know how to behave outside of the classroom. Responsibility for a child's behaviour should remain with the parents at all time.

The grandparents have done their work in raising their own children, they don't want to have to start all over again 20 years later. This highlights another off topic problem with people raising adult babies that never grow up, get a job, get their own house or take responsibility for their own life.

The grandparents did their job with family support

And yes I shuffle blame around because children are not raised in a vacuum everyone who has contact has impact

Whatevernext9 · 05/06/2025 21:20

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 20:04

Without knowing your "lead", it would be hard to say.

Would you have taken extra care to ensure that your children weren't getting up to underage drinking/shoplifting/vandalism/terrorising the community if you, yourself would have been liable for arrest and not your child?

When one of my children was a little younger, they kept going towards a fireplace at my husband's parent's house. I told them not to and that it could be dangerous and burn. They tried to go near to it again, I told them if they went towards the fireplace again, they would be taken to a different room and wouldn't be allowed to stay up as promised (it's an occasional treat that we let them stay up for 30 minutes or so past their bedtime when we go away for a weekend or so). Guess what, they didn't go near to it again nor have they ever played with fire since.

Instruction
Explanation
Consequence

It's a simple but very effective formula.

‘When one of my children was a little younger, they kept going towards a fireplace at my husband's parent's house. I told them not to and that it could be dangerous and burn. They tried to go near to it again…’

You’ve illustrated a couple of things here. Firstly, telling children not to do things doesn’t always work, and you need to create a consequence they care about more (much harder for a teen than a toddler). And secondly, that you’re careless enough to have your toddler near a fireplace that they go towards multiple times before you intervene. That’s neglect.

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 21:29

Whatevernext9 · 05/06/2025 21:20

‘When one of my children was a little younger, they kept going towards a fireplace at my husband's parent's house. I told them not to and that it could be dangerous and burn. They tried to go near to it again…’

You’ve illustrated a couple of things here. Firstly, telling children not to do things doesn’t always work, and you need to create a consequence they care about more (much harder for a teen than a toddler). And secondly, that you’re careless enough to have your toddler near a fireplace that they go towards multiple times before you intervene. That’s neglect.

They weren't near the fireplace to begin with, they were by the sofa, at the other side of the room. They tried to walk towards it. They were told firmly of the consequences and didn't do it again. If you are trying to say I am a bad mum for taking my child to a house with a fireplace, that's ridiculous. I keep a close watch on all of my children near to dangers and there is no way I'd have physically let any of them touch the fire. They'd have been picked up and carried to another room before they got with in touching distance. Nice try though.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 05/06/2025 21:30

Yeah I don’t think so.

i was a teen in the early 90s and me and pretty much everyone I knew drank under age, smoked a bit and had sex without telling their parents.

i went to Cambridge and have been a maths teacher for twenty years. Others that I was at school with are now deputy head of an international school in Singapore (natural sciences Cambridge), an accountant, editor of a national magazine, technical director of a regional theatre, and various other very responsible middle class occupations.

i won’t tell you what some of the people I met at Cambridge did except to say some of it was definitely criminal although they thought of it as pranks and many of those people now are well respected doctors/lawyers/economists.

JLou08 · 05/06/2025 21:30

You're post and comments are very uninformed and patronising.
School attendance hasn't improved with fines.
There are children waiting years for adoption, some are never adopted. There aren't all these people desperate to adopt. Separation from birth families is very traumatic, even for babies. Adopted children can also grow to be very troubled adults and teens, worse than the ones you describe.
We would not save money from the public purse by intervening as you suggest, it would cost of fortune in court fees, staffing, paying for children's placements. There wouldn't be enough placements for children, the quality would be compromised and those who really need to be removed from the family or have extra support would be negatively impacted. It would all be for nothing as the outcomes for children in care are far worse than those with family.
Of course a 15 year old knows it's wrong to kill someone.
Of course shop staff should be accountable for selling alcohol to children.
All teenagers will push boundaries.
You trying to advise someone on parenting teens based on your experience with young children is so patronising and you sound clueless.

TheaBrandt1 · 05/06/2025 21:35

Come back when you’ve successfully parented non compliant teens to adulthood then I might be interested.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 05/06/2025 21:46

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....

Sorry, have to get my breath back from laughing so hard...... you're either a really sanctimonious and superior sort, or a sweet summer child in line for a rude awakening, or, as I suspect AI scraping for outrage fodder.

And if you are taking a child to a house with an open fireplace, or any sort of risk in that department you minimise risk by ensuring your child is appropriately restrained, such as in a playpen, high chair or even reins, or a proper fireguard is in place, because the dear little ninjas often don't give you enough time to explain and reason and threaten consequences, and it takes seconds for a tragedy to happen when they are toddlers, or older, when a trip running could see them harmed. Basic parenting sweetie, minimise risk in the first instance, introduce "life lessons" in an age appropriate way as they get older.

Perhaps you'd like to see the state raise children entirely according to your standards?

Honestly, there may come a time when your exquisitely reared offspring bite the hand that has nurtured them, and trust me, the mortification that comes with that is often punishment enough for all concerned. But it often passes and oh look, they turn out alright in the end.

The tighter you hold them the more they struggle.

You'll learn. I promise, you'll definitely learn.

SpanThatWorld · 05/06/2025 21:46

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 21:29

They weren't near the fireplace to begin with, they were by the sofa, at the other side of the room. They tried to walk towards it. They were told firmly of the consequences and didn't do it again. If you are trying to say I am a bad mum for taking my child to a house with a fireplace, that's ridiculous. I keep a close watch on all of my children near to dangers and there is no way I'd have physically let any of them touch the fire. They'd have been picked up and carried to another room before they got with in touching distance. Nice try though.

"They'd have been picked up and carried to another room."

I used to do that. But one day, you put your child down and you never pick them up again. No matter how much you want to.

One day, they are no longer yours to save. No matter how much you want to.

CandyCane457 · 05/06/2025 21:56

SpanThatWorld · 05/06/2025 21:46

"They'd have been picked up and carried to another room."

I used to do that. But one day, you put your child down and you never pick them up again. No matter how much you want to.

One day, they are no longer yours to save. No matter how much you want to.

Haha yes I was thinking this re the “They'd have been picked up and carried to another room." quote…

Good luck doing that to your 14 year old when she fancies a bottle of White Lightning down at the local skate park OP!

CluelessBereavement · 05/06/2025 21:58

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 21:29

They weren't near the fireplace to begin with, they were by the sofa, at the other side of the room. They tried to walk towards it. They were told firmly of the consequences and didn't do it again. If you are trying to say I am a bad mum for taking my child to a house with a fireplace, that's ridiculous. I keep a close watch on all of my children near to dangers and there is no way I'd have physically let any of them touch the fire. They'd have been picked up and carried to another room before they got with in touching distance. Nice try though.

How do you propose a slim 5'2" mum, picks up their 16yo 6' rugby player son to carry him away from the friends house party where alcohol is served?

@BigFatBullycome back in 15 years when you actually have a clue.

I've been very lucky with my teens that the worst they've done is stay out a bit later than allowed/had a (single) beer at a party. But I know a few absolutely amazing, dedicated parents (West London, private school parents as I'm guessing that goes against OPs thinking) whose children have really gone badly off the rails for a year or so before calming down in time for uni.

SharpTiger · 05/06/2025 22:08

I'm not sure if the OP was written by ChatGBT, a journalist or a brand new Mum with literally no idea about what she is talking about. 🤔

TheaBrandt1 · 05/06/2025 22:30

Could be any of those options I agree! Guess we’ll never know…