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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Expect Parents To Be Held More Strongly To Account For Their Children's Behaviour?

176 replies

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 16:48

I believe that parents should be held more greatly to account for their children's unacceptable behaviour.

For a case study, take the sale of alcohol and the whole fining/prosecution situation that we have in the UK around under 18 year olds purchasing alcohol. The burden of responsibility should always fall to the parents to ensure that their child doesn't buy alcohol or attempt to, not the poor shopkeeper. It should be the parents who are fined if their child attempts to buy alcohol, not the sales agent. As it stands, we have a situation where grown adults can't legitimately buy alcohol without carrying a passport or driving licence on them, even if they are considerably above the age of legal drinking. I was talking to someone the other day who said that they were asked to prove that they aren't a child to buy a bottle of wine at 30 years old. It's a ludicrous situation. On a similar note, I was behind a 40+ woman in the queue at a toiletries store and she was asked to prove that she wasn't a child in order to buy a pair of tweezers.

I don't know what jurisdiction other Mumsnetters are in, but in the UK we have a problem with children behaving wholly unacceptably and the parents not bothering to do anything about it because of lack of accountability. In my city, there are areas where the bus services have had to be curtailed of an evening because someone's little "darlings" (I could use other words but they might not be in-keeping with forum rules) are throwing bricks, eggs and goodness knows what at the windows. Social services should investigate as soon as the police raise concerns about illegal behaviour. The parents should take the blame for this behaviour.

A couple of months ago, there was a girl in a city centre that I was in who was threatening grown ups with a knife, whilst riding a bicycle on a pedestrianised street. The "mother" later emerged from a bookmakers, seemingly off of her face on some kind of substance. I told the mother she should teach her child how to behave and what's not acceptable and the mother didn't seem to care less. If it was down to me, the "mother" would be charged with causing an affray by neglecting to control her child, who threatened people with a knife.

Being a parent is not an easy job, and it's not a part time job either. When my children are older, they will not be loitering outside shops and trying to buy alcohol or to encourage adults to buy for them. They shall certainly be treating others with due respect. They will not be on the streets, bored and vandalising property. My husband and I will encourage them to develop hobbies and interests, such as football, music, art, even cinema. We have planned to reduce our hours at work and budgeted for it, so that when the children become too old for our au-pair, that we can ensure that they aren't on the streets, getting up to mischief. We are going to educate our children on the law and the consequences of breaking the law. Of course, we allow them to play and let off steam. They do push boundaries occasionally but we always let them know that certain kinds of behaviour is unacceptable and will result in sanctions such as no internet access for a week, or even longer depending on the severity of the misbehaviour. We allow our children to play and they do occasionally act up or be a little 'cheeky' but they are well aware that there is a line that they do not cross.

What do you think about the matter of unacceptable behaviour of other people's children? Does it anger you that the parents aren't held accountable as much as they should? Are your own children ever guilty of behaving in an un-savoury manner? Vote in the poll and share your thoughts.

OP posts:
BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 18:01

FedupofArsenalgame · 05/06/2025 17:54

Hmm I've had 3 teens. 2 were involved in clubs, sports etc and never any trouble. The other one was smoking, drinking wkds over the meadows and pregnant by an unsuitable boyfriend at 17.

So come on tell me why this should happen when they had the same upbringing

Was discipline consistent? Did you say to the child with behavioural problems that they'd be grounded if their behaviour was unacceptable and crucially did you follow through with it? All humans, regardless of age need to know that actions have consequences. If you say "don't go out drinking WKD or I will ground you for a week", the child proceeds to then commit this behaviour and then you don't bother to follow through with the punishment, they will learn to believe that authority means nothing and that their actions have no consequences. I also note you say your other children had hobbies and interests and were members of clubs, but one child was not. Children act up when they don't get the stimulation.

It's night and day, the difference between a parent who takes the time to check in with their child and a parent who plonks their child in front of a tablet whilst the parent is busy scrolling Facebook on their phone.

OP posts:
Olderbeforemytime · 05/06/2025 18:02

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 17:41

I have outlined what I think should be done. Neglect cases brought in where a child commits a crime as standard procedure. Public order offence fines should be issued to parents who let their children commit public order offences, not just words of advice from the police. Child protection teams have the power to take a child in to their care if a parent is neglecting to meet their duties. Child In Need meetings are something they have the power to call with parents and local paediatric care providers. This should be done as soon as concerns are raised and should not be left until things deteriorate to a situation where a member of the public is harmed or their property is damaged. I would be absolutely mortified if one of mine vandalized someone's property, but some parents out there don't seem to care as they leave it to the state to deal with and put right.

Yes, there are people who are not fit to be parents but that should be dealt with via means of adoption, to the many couples out there who are desperate to give a child a loving home but are unable to conceive. No government should force someone to undergo a medical procedure. However, these pathetic excuses of parents should be warned that if they do have more children, that the child protection teams will take immediate custody based on the "parents'" previous neglect.

Who is going to look after these children in care? There isn’t enough foster carers or children’s homes.

Have you read up on this at all? It costs around £280k per year, per child in care. They will then go on to have reduced life chances and physical ans mental health so will continue to cost the state more.

20% of care leavers will end up in prison and only 13% will go to univeristy in comparison to 35% of the general population.

TheaBrandt1 · 05/06/2025 18:02

Exactly Fedup. Its like those people before they have a baby waffling on that they will never let their baby have plastic toys or eat any sugar. Fate will bite you on the arse!

I have friends who have been brilliant parents and done all the clubs and middle class box ticking and end up with one teen who is easy and lovely and the other who goes utterly the other way (sneaking out at night / drugs/ dodgy older boyfriends). They were at their wits end. Literally nothing our friends did. The police are actually very kind in these circumstances as they get it.

Lindy2 · 05/06/2025 18:03

Parents not supervising children and not teaching right from wrong is a problem. There are dysfunctional families in every area. The girl with a knife and a stoned mother clearly fall into the category of a family with significant problems.

There are however, also a large number of good parents doing their very best for their children. The majority of children grow up to be responsible adults.

I do notice you list a lot of things that you are going to do and your children are going to do.

When my children are older, they will not be loitering outside shops and trying to buy alcohol or to encourage adults to buy for them. They shall certainly be treating others with due respect. They will not be on the streets, bored and vandalising property. My husband and I will encourage them to develop hobbies and interests, such as football, music, art, even cinema.

You haven't done any of this yet. Your children might point blank refuse to do any hobbies. You won't be with them all the time. At some point they will test the boundaries and yes, your child might be loitering outside the shops with a bottle of alcohol.

You can do your very best but you can't guarantee the outcomes. I do agree with your sentiment that all parents should parent well but don't preach until you actually understand what it's like to have a teenager.

Octavia64 · 05/06/2025 18:03

So if a teen commits a crime and is removed from their parents and then commits another one who will you punish then? The foster carers?

Olderbeforemytime · 05/06/2025 18:04

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 17:41

I have outlined what I think should be done. Neglect cases brought in where a child commits a crime as standard procedure. Public order offence fines should be issued to parents who let their children commit public order offences, not just words of advice from the police. Child protection teams have the power to take a child in to their care if a parent is neglecting to meet their duties. Child In Need meetings are something they have the power to call with parents and local paediatric care providers. This should be done as soon as concerns are raised and should not be left until things deteriorate to a situation where a member of the public is harmed or their property is damaged. I would be absolutely mortified if one of mine vandalized someone's property, but some parents out there don't seem to care as they leave it to the state to deal with and put right.

Yes, there are people who are not fit to be parents but that should be dealt with via means of adoption, to the many couples out there who are desperate to give a child a loving home but are unable to conceive. No government should force someone to undergo a medical procedure. However, these pathetic excuses of parents should be warned that if they do have more children, that the child protection teams will take immediate custody based on the "parents'" previous neglect.

Child protection teams can’t take children into care. This can only be authorised by a judge or by a senior police officer for up to 48 hours while they’re waiting to see a judge.

Delphiniumandlupins · 05/06/2025 18:05

Well surely grandparents are responsible for raising the inadequate parents who are now raising delinquent children. How many generations do you want to be held accountable?

Yes, it would be great if more support was available for children (who can be identified very young) likely to end up with poorer life outcomes but we would all need to pay lots more tax to provide that. Its very difficult to find foster carers for teenagers, far less adoptive parents, for all these kids you want to remove from their families. Parents are sometimes negligent or lazy but often simply ignorant or struggling. Lots of us make mistakes as teenagers, if we're lucky they're not life-changing. There was vandalism and crime and antisocial behaviour in the 90s (and the 70s and the 50s etc).

Rhayra · 05/06/2025 18:07

The burden should fall on parents if a 17 year old attempts to buy alcohol?? Are you out of your mind?
I moved out of my parents house and lived like an adult at 16 guess if I'd done anything wrong they should of been blamed ?

TheaBrandt1 · 05/06/2025 18:07

I find as parents age they become much less judgemental and black and white. Every parent of teens knows they are only a phone call away from disaster.

But I agree I think we are trying to get robots to understand the nuances of human behaviour here!

SmotheringMonday · 05/06/2025 18:08

Ah, the happy certainty of a parent who hasn't yet parented teens.

We've all been there, OP. And some of us have had to eat quite a large serving of humble pie.

I like how you have outsourced parenting to your au pair, as well. That made me chuckle.

FrenchandSaunders · 05/06/2025 18:08

So naive OP, if this is even real! 🤣

personality has a lot to do with it! Some kids are very malleable and want to behave … others don’t! Despite the parents best intentions!

ARichtGoodDram · 05/06/2025 18:08

Octavia64 · 05/06/2025 18:03

So if a teen commits a crime and is removed from their parents and then commits another one who will you punish then? The foster carers?

That'll help the numbers of foster carers.

Maybe the social workers should be held responsible as there's loads of them...
Ah. Erm. Who else?

Frankinator · 05/06/2025 18:15

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 18:01

Was discipline consistent? Did you say to the child with behavioural problems that they'd be grounded if their behaviour was unacceptable and crucially did you follow through with it? All humans, regardless of age need to know that actions have consequences. If you say "don't go out drinking WKD or I will ground you for a week", the child proceeds to then commit this behaviour and then you don't bother to follow through with the punishment, they will learn to believe that authority means nothing and that their actions have no consequences. I also note you say your other children had hobbies and interests and were members of clubs, but one child was not. Children act up when they don't get the stimulation.

It's night and day, the difference between a parent who takes the time to check in with their child and a parent who plonks their child in front of a tablet whilst the parent is busy scrolling Facebook on their phone.

Yes @FedupofArsenalgame, did you ever think about imposing consequences? I’m sure it never crossed your mind to do that. If only the OP had been around to help you out at the time!

NoSoupForU · 05/06/2025 18:15

Also, I was a nightmare as a teenager. I engaged in very risky behaviour, very willingly. I knew exactly what I was doing and that it wasn't allowed or was wrong. My parents were great, I come from a very loving home and my folks are both intelligent people who raised me and my siblings to have street smarts, common sense and actual intelligence.

But I wanted to push boundaries and be older than I was. I wasn't hanging around the streets drinking or asking adults to buy me alcohol though, I just went to the pub or bars.

Pinkissmart · 05/06/2025 18:17

My husband and I will encourage them to develop hobbies and interests, such as football, music, art, even cinema. We have planned to reduce our hours at work and budgeted for it, so that when the children become too old for our au-pair, that we can ensure that they aren't on the streets, getting up to mischief. We are going to educate our children on the law and the consequences of breaking the law.

Bloody hell op, can you be any more entitled?
You are parenting with someone else. Clearly you earn enough to afford help ( which no doubt reduces stress) . Your combined income allows you the luxury of reducing income, and providing your children access to hobbies.

So, what if a child's parents are separated- are both parents responsible for the child's behaviour? If one parent abandons the family and the remaining parent struggles, who would be fined exactly?
If a child suffers trauma or from poor mental health and acts out, who will get fined?
If a parent does their absolute best, and the child makes a very bad decision- should they be fined?

You've clearly decided that it's nurture over nature, and that environment/ upbringing is wholly responsible for the outcome of the child. Are you sure?

OP, I really hope your words don't come back to bite you on the ass.

ERthree · 05/06/2025 18:18

MiloMinderbinder925 · 05/06/2025 16:58

I think some people shouldn't have children. There's an online influencer telling people to give their autistic children bleach and people are doing it. They're too stupid to be responsible for humans.

Some parents are lazy, God knows why they had children.

Bleach ? To do what with ?

Simonjt · 05/06/2025 18:19

I take it you will be assisting in funding services required, training to become a social worker and adopting these children?

Tiswa · 05/06/2025 18:29

@BigFatBully are you genuinely claiming that underage drinking etc did not happen in the 90s
because it did all the time it just wasn’t policed in the same way.

I think you are comparing apples and oranges - there is a huge difference between anti social behaviour and knife crime and what is and always has been the pushing of boundaries that goes on in the metamorphosis between teenage and adult and in that trying to buy things underage.

Admittedly smoking was easier (it was 16 for me) but honestly I was a fairly good very academic teenager and I bought underage booze in a shop and went to pubs and clubs when I was 16

psrt of the issue is there is nowhere for them to go, no youth clubs, under 18s discos and yes a pub willing to let them have a pint or 2

5128gap · 05/06/2025 18:45

So, your solution is to place children into an already overstretched care system, notorious for its poor outcomes? Over 50% of children in the care system have a criminal conviction by their mid 20s, compared with 13% of the general population....
I'm assuming you have a plan B?

FedupofArsenalgame · 05/06/2025 18:52

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 18:01

Was discipline consistent? Did you say to the child with behavioural problems that they'd be grounded if their behaviour was unacceptable and crucially did you follow through with it? All humans, regardless of age need to know that actions have consequences. If you say "don't go out drinking WKD or I will ground you for a week", the child proceeds to then commit this behaviour and then you don't bother to follow through with the punishment, they will learn to believe that authority means nothing and that their actions have no consequences. I also note you say your other children had hobbies and interests and were members of clubs, but one child was not. Children act up when they don't get the stimulation.

It's night and day, the difference between a parent who takes the time to check in with their child and a parent who plonks their child in front of a tablet whilst the parent is busy scrolling Facebook on their phone.

Yes and I did ground her.And stopped her pocket mi dh Didn't stop her climbing out of bedroom window She originally went to clubs etc and chose to drop out. Can't force them to stay there.

And they didn't have tablets ( not that they were commonplace then)

She's now a perfectly responsible responsible adult mind

FedupofArsenalgame · 05/06/2025 18:54

Frankinator · 05/06/2025 18:15

Yes @FedupofArsenalgame, did you ever think about imposing consequences? I’m sure it never crossed your mind to do that. If only the OP had been around to help you out at the time!

OP was probably a teenager at same time as my DD

HollyBerryz · 05/06/2025 18:54

TunnocksOrDeath · 05/06/2025 18:00

Did you do any checks in a search engine re parental responsibility for children's crimes in the uk before creating this thread? In the UK parents actually can be held responsible for not preventing their children's crimes but, quite sensibly it depends on the circumstances. If anyone has enough detail and evidence of something that warrants action they should report it.
Selling booze and other unsuitable products to children has to be an offence, else there would be no disincentive to the retailer. Also, being able to refuse a sale on the grounds the person making the sale would be breaking the law is extremely helpful in supporting retailers say no. Rather like it's a help to babysitters to say that of course they'd let a child stay up late if it were up to them, but it's not, so go to bed.

IIRC the mother of a young lad involved in the disruption in Southport had to do this?

SpanThatWorld · 05/06/2025 19:01

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 17:20

I don't know what or who Chat GPT is. I wrote my post by myself.

Yes, I do think that the parents should face the same charges that the children who commit crimes face. We already have similar procedures in terms of truancy, where the parents will be fined for un-authorised absences and the child will also face detention/isolation etc.

I ask where are the parents whilst a 15 year old is out killing someone? Why does a 15 year old not know that it's wrong to kill someone and to carry weapons? Who is responsible for teaching a child wrong from right? It falls down to the parents. If the parents don't know/care about wrong from right, then how can the child? Social services need to be on the cases of parents of children who have had anti-social behaviour concerns raised about their behaviour. Not just box ticking either, there needs to be a pro-active relationship between the authorities and parents until the authorities can be satisfied that the un-acceptable behaviour has stopped. If say a child is caught spraying graffiti on a bus shelter at 10 o clock at night, then questions need to be asked as to why the child was out at 10 o clock at night and where the parents were when this happened. Supervised discipline from the children's social services and punishment for the child, as well as the parent being fined for allowing an out of control child to cause damage would be a good deterrent. If a tree from my garden was allowed to get in to a state of decay and fell on to my neighbour's greenhouse and broke it, that would be my responsibility as the tree guardian for not keeping it in check.

I hope your suggestion regarding forced sterilization was tongue in cheek, as I don't want to live in a society where such a thing is implemented, that would be barbaric.

Yes, I do think that the parents should face the same charges that the children who commit crimes face.

This is just nonsense. Teenagers are influenced by peers, not just parents.

One of my kids has a double first from Cambridge. One spent the same 3 years lying, cheating and getting into trouble. Which one followed my lead?

CoffeeCup14 · 05/06/2025 20:04

BigFatBully · 05/06/2025 18:01

Was discipline consistent? Did you say to the child with behavioural problems that they'd be grounded if their behaviour was unacceptable and crucially did you follow through with it? All humans, regardless of age need to know that actions have consequences. If you say "don't go out drinking WKD or I will ground you for a week", the child proceeds to then commit this behaviour and then you don't bother to follow through with the punishment, they will learn to believe that authority means nothing and that their actions have no consequences. I also note you say your other children had hobbies and interests and were members of clubs, but one child was not. Children act up when they don't get the stimulation.

It's night and day, the difference between a parent who takes the time to check in with their child and a parent who plonks their child in front of a tablet whilst the parent is busy scrolling Facebook on their phone.

OP, you have absolutely no idea about teenagers, or parenting teenagers.

Some children just do not care about consequences. What if you tell your child you will ground them, and then they go out anyway? Are you going to lock them in a cupboard? Tie them to a table? Beat them? Cut their legs off?

Punishing parents is not going to have any impact for the thousands of parents who are doing their best but struggling. It will just make things even harder for the parents. For all the parents of children who can't attend school due to anxiety, fines and prosecutions make no difference, because the parents are motivated. They are desperate for their children to be in school.

Please have some humility. Accept you are spouting opinions with no knowledge behind them. You are suggesting children who commit crimes are taken into care and adopted - teenagers do not get adopted. Babies and young children, who do get adopted, cannot commit crimes.

Honestly, I think you should apologise because your ignorant views are offensive.

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