To want to leave the US but DH is dead against it?

[BotAsp]

Bit of a rant tbh. We’ve been in the States nearly 6 years now (moved for DH’s job), and I’m just so done. The politics, the healthcare stress, the guns in schools — all of it. DD is 4 and starting pre-K in Sept and I’m lowkey freaking out. It all feels so alien and I just want her to grow up somewhere I don’t have to worry about lockdown drills or insane medical bills for a cough. I miss the NHS like mad.

DH thinks I’m being dramatic. He loves it here, his job is good, we’ve got a nice house, etc etc. But I feel so trapped. We barely have any proper support, I feel like I’m constantly having to translate everything — culture, language, even bloody humour. I’m homesick and just want to be able to pop round to my mum’s with DD and not need a 10-hour flight and 3 weeks off work to do it.

I’ve tried talking to him but he shuts it down every time. Says I’m not thinking long-term and we’d regret moving back. But honestly I don’t see how it’s worse than this? I’d take a smaller house and rain over anxiety meds and school shootings.

Has anyone been in this boat and come out the other side? Just feel like I’ve got no one to talk to here who gets it. Don’t want to drag DD back and resent DH forever but don’t want to stay and go quietly mad either.

Is it me? AIBU?

A couple of points: the NHS may not be what it once was but it’s there for all of us. And the option to go private is still an option. - My dad had a seizure Monday morning, called 999 and ambulance arrived with paramedics in 5 minutes. We got blue lighted (with an extra vehicle too as it was rush hour traffic), were seen straight away. Within the hour he had a CAT scan, ultrasound and xray. Within the next few hours he was admitted to a ward where he still is now.
i honestly kept thinking I wonder how much this would all cost in US.

as for lockdown drills we live in a city and my kids have done one (secondary school). They are told it for a miriad of reasons ‘just incase’! - I think it’s a good idea as there could be a few reasons as PP have mentioned that could trigger a lockdown. However being in the UK this doesn’t bother me and I’m not worried about a ‘shooter’ entering school!

Education in the UK is continuously ranked higher then US education (I’ve seen pp have said different to this but in the world UK ranks higher)

I love a moan as much as the next Brit but I love the UK!

Even if it is, that seems like a perfectly valid reason to me.

Maybe OP's DM and her DH's parents are still healthy and relatively young, but I have friends who live with a perpetual weight of sadness and guilt because they now live too far away to be able to offer any practical support to parents they love and miss, parents who they know would have loved a proper relationship with their grandchildren, parents who have developed serious health problems and are finding it hard to cope.

And you think that’s a good thing?

Yes. I think it's awesome that if someone tries to mug you in America you can kill them. I've watched YouTube videos where people kill burglars in America.

Seeing people defend themselves against criminals brings a smile to my face.

In the UK we always get told "just hand it over", "it's just stuff". The Americans I know scoff at this and instead are taught:

https://m.youtube.com/shorts/51gM9IRg2ko

If that's what you love about the USA, you're a psychopath. You are positively relishing the thought of killing someone.

Third world shit hole my arse. Do you mean that there are too many non-white people for your liking? Apparently, the people who are the most anti-immigration and anti-immigrant are the ones who live in predominantly white areas.

I think the UK is a complex place. Who knows what the future holds for it, it's such an intense place.

Imagine a sustained war between Pakistan and India, and how that might play out in the UK domestically. Imagine the rise of a far right government against that backdrop.

People are packed into cities in the UK, and with emerging technologies I think there will be many jobless, tense people.

Where would you want to be in a world war? The surveillance and control that may be necessary to maintain order, might make the UK no longer feel like a free society. Maybe I've watched children of men too many times.

I'm in rural Southern Italy, still struggling with the lingo. I'm not rushing back to pound land though. I can WhatsApp my GP here, and have land, and more self sufficiency. I don't think we can expect the future to be like the post war past though.

You miss the NHS? Don’t move back because of the NHS lol

But it literally IS just stuff.

And if you have weapon it is FAR more likely to be used against you than for you to kill your attacker.

I have no desire to die, trying to hang on to my backpack/wallet/bike. And I found the threat of this level of danger (random people, many of whom were nutters (survivalists etc) ) terrifying in the US. Thank god the UK isn't like this.

Really? In the past 2 years the NHS has provided, for me and my immediate family: 1 GP phone call within an hour of asking; 3 next-day GP appointments when they’ve said they needed to see someone quickly; 6 blood tests; 4 MRI scans; 2 CT scans; 6 x-rays; 4 appointments at fracture clinic; 3 echocardiograms; 7 appointments with consultants; 1 hospital stay of 5 days.

All arranged very quickly and all completely free (apart from the hospital car-parking fees).

Plus, of course, a huge amount of free medication especially for myself (I take 7 different medications daily) and my daughter (type 1 diabetes, so needles, insulin and blood glucose monitoring patches provided).

Killing a thief? Killing someone who means you harm? I'm not in favour of how guns are just handed out willy nilly in the US but the UK 'justice' system is a joke.

To me this is not about whether it is better to live in the UK or the US. This is about living in the place you no longer want to live and not being able to move. I am in that situation - I moved to a country with all the best intentions and I was in the same sex relationship. My (now ex) partner carried a child and we had our daughter. The deal was we would move somewhere else if I didn't like it where we were. As soon as my daughter was born, my partner "changed her mind" and said she was moving nowhere. I then had a breakdown (and another one) while my partner stood watching me disintegrate and all she said was " but I am happy here" and shrugged her shoulders. We broke up, I lost my house in the process and now I am stuck in the place I cannot stand because the choice is to save my MH and abandon my daughter or stay and pay for weekly therapy to help me get by.
So, basically, OP, you are screwed. You won't be able to return to the UK with your daughter if your husband does not agree. They should teach it at schools (and I don't know why they don't) but wherever you have a kid with someone else, you are stuck there unless you both agree to move.

Definitely - my dd had a few at her secondary school and high security on primary school.
didn’t bother her or me tho - was glad they were prepping for a very unlikely event and would know what to do.

Only if someone is threatening to initiate deadly force against someone.

Don't we all feel a bit happy when a criminal gets their comeuppance?

Yanbu at all. It says it all that sending your child to school is a risk to their life. Id leave him and move back with your daughter if he wont go.

We’ve lived in the South East, East Anglia, Cornwall and the NW.
Kids never had lockdown drills.

But it's MY STUFF and I have ever right to defend it and keep it.

If your weapon ends up being used against you, just goes to show you should have been trained better. Also isn't the attacker's weapon going to be used against them? Logic much.

Many Americans I know are proud of the belief and the right to use weapons to defend themselves AND their property. Many of them train frequently as well.

Yes, killing a thief is wrong. We don't have capital punishment in the UK and, even when we did, they stopped the death penalty for stealing in the 1800s.

Mumsnet attracts the most ridiculous right-wing nut jobs these days.

No amount of stuff is worth more than a life. That’s why we buy insurance.

If someone is trying to violently rob you, you have every moral right to end them.

I think you need to stop him when he tries
to shut you down and tell him he needs to listen to you, not create his version of what you are feeling to suit his narrative but actually listen to where you are, how close you are to breaking and how you are feeling about staying longer than agreed.

that you understand he is happy but you aren’t and it has to be talked about becuase him shutting you down and refusing to accept there is an issue is part of the problem and not a solution.

the first step is for him to recognise you are u happy with the status quo

Then you are away with the fairies like many in education these days. You’re not paying attention. I’m very far away from London but yes, the schools have lockdown drills

No you don’t. Not morally, not legally, not proportionately.

Lock down drills turn up about 6 ish years ago - between my kids at school. They aren't fraught events more like fire drills. They got activated for real when some expelled pupils were outside school cauing problems - police soon sorted.

I do think the issue is not being listened to - maybe couple therapy might help - but also maybe another part of US may suit better.

You realise private health care is available in the UK too right ?
The NHS has many problems but it's free at the point of use and nobody has to worry about large medical bills
My son is Diabetic and insulin dependent, he gets all of his insulin paid for and all other medications
Whilst on the American Facebook group for Diabetes I'm on people are worrying about paying for their insulin, something they need to keep them alive