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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP playing up on family with my parents, don’t think there is any way back

177 replies

SunandSea2 · 03/06/2025 21:45

Edited to say typo in subject, meant to say playing up on holiday!

I’ve recently got back from a week long holiday with my DP and my parents - in the UK, we stayed on the same site with separate accommodation. We spent some of the days doing stuff with each other and about 50% of the evenings where we’d host and cook for each other.

All fine until about the mid way point where DP was in a constant mood (my parents had noticed this too and mentioned it to me privately).

Main issues:

-On a night we hosted, he didn’t help me with cooking at all as previously agreed, didn’t wash up, and just sat on the sofa drinking.

-After the meal, I asked him to help with the washing up. He laughed and said my Mum would help (in front of her).

-Inappropriate comments whilst we were all watching TV - said about a woman on a quiz show that ‘I bet single men wouldn’t mind dating them. By them, I mean her tits’. Another comment about a female presenter and how he bets she’s had a ‘load of cock’.

-He apologised profusely the next morning for his behaviour and blamed alcohol. He proceeded to be in a mood again that day and when we went on a walk, he was moaning about how boring it was and that he doesn’t know how my parents visit this area every year (it’s somewhere sentimental to them).

-We had a night with just us two that evening - again he started drinking early. He kept going on about wanting a drink at the on site bar which I wasn’t keen on but eventually relented on the basis it would just be one and then we’d go back for dinner. We had a drink and he wanted another - so he went up to the bar. 10 minutes later he hadn’t returned - it was busy but not that busy. Anyway, I’d had my back to the bar and turned around and he was nowhere to be seen. Crap signal so couldn’t get hold of him. I went to the bar to ask if they’d seen him and they basically said oh yeah he had been asked to leave.

-I went back to our accommodation and DP wasn’t there. He appeared 10 minutes after with a bag of beer from the off licence. He said he had been asked to leave for making a comment about the barmaids inflated lips and that they (the staff) need to cheer up. I questioned him further and he eventually admitted he’d made a remark about BJ’s.

I went to stay with my parents after this, we went home the day after and he has been apologising ever since but I feel angry and humiliated and can’t see a way past this.

We've been together 3 years, he has had the odd excessive drinking session but never anything this bad and never around my family. I just feel so hurt by it all.

Does anyone think there’s a way back from this or is it over when something like this happens?

OP posts:
nomas · 03/06/2025 21:48

YANBU, he behaved like an absolute dick and is blaming the evil beer.

Tell him if it ever happens again or if he tries to treat you or your mum like a maid, then you’re out.

JudithOnHolidayAgain · 03/06/2025 21:51

He has shown you who he really is. He won't change.....but you don't have to settle for this!

GoingToGraceland · 03/06/2025 21:52

As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are - believe them.

SamDeanCas · 03/06/2025 21:53

He needs to be apologising to your DP’s too, in person. Then he needs to see someone about his drinking and stop. I wouldn’t expect anything less if the relationship is to continue

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/06/2025 21:54

He sounds absolutely vile. Surely you can do better than this?

Satisfiedkitty · 03/06/2025 21:55

Do you really want to spend your life like this? Because he won't change, and he'll just get worse.

legyeleven · 03/06/2025 21:55

When someone tells you who they are listen. Just leave him and find someone better

StarDolphins · 03/06/2025 21:55

Eww he sounds like a horny dog! Sorry op, not helpful
but I would feel exactly the same as you.

BreadInCaptivity · 03/06/2025 21:56

He’s done you a favour in showing his true colours.

Dump him with a sigh of relief and not a moment of regret.

Daisyvodka · 03/06/2025 21:58

Okay so, setting aside the drinking for a minute, up until this point has he ever:

  • made crass comments about women's appearance
  • Sat on his arse and let other people do housework for him
  • implied that doing housework is something women do
  • been rude by complaining about an event/holiday, knowing it might make the other person feel a bit rubbish

Because I can't tell from your post if this is a total personality transplant, or if he's been doing stuff like this all along just on a lower level. Boiling the frog. I mean.

MimiSunshine · 03/06/2025 21:59

After the night he refused to help host and said your mum will help clear up. That would be me done.
he showed you how little respects you, your mum or just women in general. It wasn’t the drink, that just embolden him to say the things he always wanted to say.

walk away, you deserve better.

SunandSea2 · 03/06/2025 22:00

Daisyvodka · 03/06/2025 21:58

Okay so, setting aside the drinking for a minute, up until this point has he ever:

  • made crass comments about women's appearance
  • Sat on his arse and let other people do housework for him
  • implied that doing housework is something women do
  • been rude by complaining about an event/holiday, knowing it might make the other person feel a bit rubbish

Because I can't tell from your post if this is a total personality transplant, or if he's been doing stuff like this all along just on a lower level. Boiling the frog. I mean.

1, yes and always blamed it on drink and ‘forgetting his audience’. He usually chips in with his fair share of chores.

OP posts:
Rosemary61 · 03/06/2025 22:04

Does he normally have a drink problem or has it only been a problem since being on holiday? Regardless of that, his attitude towards you and women in general is revolting. He has no respect for you or your family and I would be ending the relationship.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/06/2025 22:07

He's not worth it op, not worth trying to fix or change. He's a sexist pig and probably an alcoholic in the making.
Just dump him, end it now and try to do some work on yourself to find out why you even stuck with this awful creature for so long.

PashaMinaMio · 03/06/2025 22:08

He sounds awful. Really common.
Keep your antennae up. Your parents must be worried about you?
Have you checked his phone recently?

Don’t get pregnant by him because I hate to say it but drink will colour your life together and he will get worse.

If you stick it out, I’m sorry to think out loud, but MN will see you back here in a few years.

OhCobblers · 03/06/2025 22:09

Sorry OP but your standards must be in the drain to stay with this arsehole - what a revolting specimen. I have no doubt you would be much happier without him.

Copperoliverbear · 03/06/2025 22:11

I’d say he’s on his way to being and functioning alcoholic I’d tell him if you don’t seek help you need to leave.

Copperoliverbear · 03/06/2025 22:11

Also please do not get pregnant.

Zippp · 03/06/2025 22:12

Sorry OP, but I think holidays give people a really good opportunity to show others who they are. No excuses to hide behind, no pressures, no other commitments.

And your DH has demonstrated he is an arse. Who thinks nothing of humiliating you in front of your parents.

Nextdoormat · 03/06/2025 22:12

No, I couldn't get over the embarrassing way he spoke in front of your parents and getting kicked out of a bar!
My ex always thought drinking excessively = a good time. I started to realise that every Xmas,holiday,birthday,christening etc was going to be spoilt forever more. He also told me he would never stop drinking so I ditched him. He has given up drinking 20 plus years later, due to ill health through drinking! But I have had 20 years of enjoying celebrating without an embarrassing drunk as my partner.

Motnight · 03/06/2025 22:12

You can't actually respect him following this behaviour, can you Op?

Paljmens · 03/06/2025 22:18

It's the language I couldn't get past. Talking about BJs and cock. No matter how drunk dh is, he just wouldn't say things like that. If that's normal to you, then maybe you could get past it. But I couldn't. I'd be waiting for him to embarrass me again as soon as he'd had a drink.

Mischance · 03/06/2025 22:18

Children play up - proper adults do not.

Your poor parents must be so worried about you.

INeedAnotherName · 03/06/2025 22:19

He's got a drink problem and has managed to hide it from you at home. Now he is out of routine, in a strange place, surrounded by three different people, he can't hide. Hence his mood.

Get rid. Addicts are hell.

sprigatito · 03/06/2025 22:25

No amount of drink could turn a decent man into a foul-mouthed, misogynistic pig. Drink may have loosened his inhibitions, but that shit couldn’t come pouring out unless it was in there to begin with. You need to get rid of him before he makes any more of your life a misery.