DP playing up on family with my parents, don’t think there is any way back

[SunandSea2]

Edited to say typo in subject, meant to say playing up on holiday!

I’ve recently got back from a week long holiday with my DP and my parents - in the UK, we stayed on the same site with separate accommodation. We spent some of the days doing stuff with each other and about 50% of the evenings where we’d host and cook for each other.

All fine until about the mid way point where DP was in a constant mood (my parents had noticed this too and mentioned it to me privately).

Main issues:

-On a night we hosted, he didn’t help me with cooking at all as previously agreed, didn’t wash up, and just sat on the sofa drinking.

-After the meal, I asked him to help with the washing up. He laughed and said my Mum would help (in front of her).

-Inappropriate comments whilst we were all watching TV - said about a woman on a quiz show that ‘I bet single men wouldn’t mind dating them. By them, I mean her tits’. Another comment about a female presenter and how he bets she’s had a ‘load of cock’.

-He apologised profusely the next morning for his behaviour and blamed alcohol. He proceeded to be in a mood again that day and when we went on a walk, he was moaning about how boring it was and that he doesn’t know how my parents visit this area every year (it’s somewhere sentimental to them).

-We had a night with just us two that evening - again he started drinking early. He kept going on about wanting a drink at the on site bar which I wasn’t keen on but eventually relented on the basis it would just be one and then we’d go back for dinner. We had a drink and he wanted another - so he went up to the bar. 10 minutes later he hadn’t returned - it was busy but not that busy. Anyway, I’d had my back to the bar and turned around and he was nowhere to be seen. Crap signal so couldn’t get hold of him. I went to the bar to ask if they’d seen him and they basically said oh yeah he had been asked to leave.

-I went back to our accommodation and DP wasn’t there. He appeared 10 minutes after with a bag of beer from the off licence. He said he had been asked to leave for making a comment about the barmaids inflated lips and that they (the staff) need to cheer up. I questioned him further and he eventually admitted he’d made a remark about BJ’s.

I went to stay with my parents after this, we went home the day after and he has been apologising ever since but I feel angry and humiliated and can’t see a way past this.

We've been together 3 years, he has had the odd excessive drinking session but never anything this bad and never around my family. I just feel so hurt by it all.

Does anyone think there’s a way back from this or is it over when something like this happens?

‘Forgetting his audience’ means that he thinks is fine to think and say these misogynistic things in other circumstances. This is how he sees women. Please raise your bar, there are many men who truly see women as equals.

@SunandSea2

Yep. ⬆️

That would give me the rage & the ick in equal measure. Not sure I could get past that.

This crosses the line for me. There’s something really nasty underlying this that I do not like and it gives me a bad feeling.
ive been married 12 years. Yes we argue from time to time about the usual - who has done most chores, can we get a dog, why is it always me who takes a day off when the kids are sick. Normal things that are over with by bedtime. But what you’re describing is not just one drunk night, this is a few nights - with a total lack of respect for you and also your parents, and something really insidiously nasty underneath it all.
if I were you girl, I’d run for the hills. For gods sake don’t have children with him. Give him a second chance if you like, but I personally wouldn’t risk a repeat of that, your parents must be absolutely cringing for you. Get out whilst the going’s good. Do you want to be married and 5 years down the tracks with kids and this nasty side is coming out, where does he go next with it? I really don’t like the fact he did it in front of your parents. What’s he going to do behind closed doors when you’ve been up all night with a sleepless newborn, money is tight and the pressure is really on.
Girl the red flags are flagging. RUN!

‘Forgetting his audience’ you were his audience! ‘I agree you totally forgot to have any respect for me or my family, you seem to think that’s an oopsie. I think it’s a fundamental barrier to a relationship. I’m showing you more respect now by telling you this than you did at any point during that week.

Well, he sounds absolutely awful. I agree with previous posters that drinking doesn't turn a decent man into a sexist crude arsehole - it's there lurking under the surface anyway! It sounds like your partner has a drink problem. His drinking doesn't excuse his vile behaviour though. If I were you, I'd be running for the hills!

He's just a shit human. The mask slips more when he is drinking. Bin.

Exactly what I was thinking! Don't waste your life with this man, he has shown you who he is.

This is the kind of bloke women warn each other about.
The kind of bloke we avoid when we're out.
What the fuck are you still doing with him?

Does anyone think there’s a way back from this?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.

You deserve so much better. Life is too short to be saddled with an embarrassing, crude misogynist. Staying might feel easier, but it wouldn't be better.

What does he mean about forgetting his audience? What kind of scummy people does he hang out with where this is acceptable? Crude comments about a bar maid's lips, with her there like she's not worth basic decency? That alone would put him in the cretin category.

There's no time or place where his behaviour is OK. If he knows he's a prat when drunk he shouldn't drink. Doing it in front of your parents just shows even less regard for you and your family.

Are your friends starting to avoid nights out with you in case you have him in tow because of this crap? Are his mates all dicks too?

Don't waste any more time with this bloke ,you can do better.

He hates and despises women and he has a drinking problem. Please do not spend one more moment of your precious life with him.

This. It’s not going to get any better.

Oh god. Run for the hills before you get any further entangled with this pig! Sorry, but at least he's shown you who he really is. If you accept it, it will continue.

Why on earth would you want a way back from this? Once is a mistake, twice (and in this case more than) is a choice.

Do yourself and your family the biggest favour, and dump this loser.

This.

I mean, why would you want to spend anymore time with someone who thinks that behaviour is acceptable?

YANBU! His behaviour is disgusting. The fact that he knows that he has form for it after having alcohol, yet hasn’t stopped drinking, is quite telling. He sounds like he is a problem drinker at the very least. Not to mention a filthy misogynist.

I’m probably biased as I divorced my XH for his behaviour (he was an alcoholic and was vile when drunk), but knowing what I know now, I’d be running for the hills.

It’s possible he has a drinking problem, but I’m not accepting that as an excuse. He does seem to know he has messed up big time and says he will make an effort to reduce his drinking (not stop it). I know he has always had big sessions with his friends, but he has never drank to that extent around me before.

He won't change OP. Don't waste any more time on him.
Imagine treating someone you care about like a maid.

He sounds awful in general, I’d chuck him back.
As a side note and not excusing his crappy behaviour, a week is a long time for a holiday with the in-laws. I can only cope with a few days of my own parents never mind someone else’s!

I think the drink brought his true colours to the fore. He sounds thick as mince and not someone I'd want to spend time with.
Listen to your DPs.. They love you and know you deserve more than this.

Drink lowers everyone's inhibitions. Your husband is basically a sexist perv who somehow mostly remembers to keep that side of him hidden when he is sober (and can 'remember his audience'...which implies he thinks that's fine to talk that way 'with the lads'). Even if he stops drinking and behaves himself infront of you...I'm not sure I could forget this side of his personality

Does it not worry you what he says about women?! He definitely has a drinking and misogyny problem. He will never change

I can't believe that your Dad didn't react when he came out with that, in front of your Mum. His drinking is irrelevant. You are never going to be able to socialise, go on holiday etc, without being put into dangerous positions. He's eventually going to say something in front/to the wrong person. I've hung in there with dickheads, it isn't worth it. You'll be judged on the company you keep.

He isn't going to stop. He has even told you he isn't going to stop! Your parents will worry about you. The fact you left him alone and went to your parents instead means you know it's over. He was doing it to piss you all off. He sounds very immature.

3 years is a long time but 3 years 6 weeks is longer when you could open your life up to meeting someone else. Imagine your wedding day. Worried he will get really drunk and spoil it. Asked to leave. Making you cry.

The guy isn't future faking. It's clear as day isn't it, what being his gf or wife will be like from now on.