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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP playing up on family with my parents, don’t think there is any way back

177 replies

SunandSea2 · 03/06/2025 21:45

Edited to say typo in subject, meant to say playing up on holiday!

I’ve recently got back from a week long holiday with my DP and my parents - in the UK, we stayed on the same site with separate accommodation. We spent some of the days doing stuff with each other and about 50% of the evenings where we’d host and cook for each other.

All fine until about the mid way point where DP was in a constant mood (my parents had noticed this too and mentioned it to me privately).

Main issues:

-On a night we hosted, he didn’t help me with cooking at all as previously agreed, didn’t wash up, and just sat on the sofa drinking.

-After the meal, I asked him to help with the washing up. He laughed and said my Mum would help (in front of her).

-Inappropriate comments whilst we were all watching TV - said about a woman on a quiz show that ‘I bet single men wouldn’t mind dating them. By them, I mean her tits’. Another comment about a female presenter and how he bets she’s had a ‘load of cock’.

-He apologised profusely the next morning for his behaviour and blamed alcohol. He proceeded to be in a mood again that day and when we went on a walk, he was moaning about how boring it was and that he doesn’t know how my parents visit this area every year (it’s somewhere sentimental to them).

-We had a night with just us two that evening - again he started drinking early. He kept going on about wanting a drink at the on site bar which I wasn’t keen on but eventually relented on the basis it would just be one and then we’d go back for dinner. We had a drink and he wanted another - so he went up to the bar. 10 minutes later he hadn’t returned - it was busy but not that busy. Anyway, I’d had my back to the bar and turned around and he was nowhere to be seen. Crap signal so couldn’t get hold of him. I went to the bar to ask if they’d seen him and they basically said oh yeah he had been asked to leave.

-I went back to our accommodation and DP wasn’t there. He appeared 10 minutes after with a bag of beer from the off licence. He said he had been asked to leave for making a comment about the barmaids inflated lips and that they (the staff) need to cheer up. I questioned him further and he eventually admitted he’d made a remark about BJ’s.

I went to stay with my parents after this, we went home the day after and he has been apologising ever since but I feel angry and humiliated and can’t see a way past this.

We've been together 3 years, he has had the odd excessive drinking session but never anything this bad and never around my family. I just feel so hurt by it all.

Does anyone think there’s a way back from this or is it over when something like this happens?

OP posts:
Needapadlockonmyfridge · 04/06/2025 07:39

Honestly, bin him now. He isnt going to get any better.

Imisscoffee2021 · 04/06/2025 07:40

He's showing you who he is by those comments, he must think them or they'd not slip out when drunk. That poor woman working at the bar, that kind of interaction in the service industry is absolutely vile and I'm sure its played on her mind since.

I'd not stay with a man like that, you don't have to settle op by giving him another chance. One slip up is one thing but in your description he's shown himself to he misogynistic, foul mouthed, lazy and a bad drunk.

BonfireToffee · 04/06/2025 07:40

It’s not the alcohol, it’s his personality.

But, if we go along with his claims that it is just the booze talking, he knows what he’s been like this week and has still only said he’ll reduce the amount he drinks.

Please don’t make this the rest of your life, OP. Choose yourself, not this woman-hating low-life.

Clareat2021 · 04/06/2025 07:41

SunandSea2 · 03/06/2025 22:54

It’s possible he has a drinking problem, but I’m not accepting that as an excuse. He does seem to know he has messed up big time and says he will make an effort to reduce his drinking (not stop it). I know he has always had big sessions with his friends, but he has never drank to that extent around me before.

To me this is the key, you've now seen him when he's drinking. This is probably what he is like with his friends.

Only you can know if you want to stay in the relationship but an unhappy, moody, crass drunk is not a great experience. You'll be on pins wondering what's next and the disrespect towards your parents is a concern. Usually being with parents is a bit of a leash on behaviour isn't it, so is this his worst face you've seen or is there more to come? I think the fact it wasn't one incident, rather a series of incidents aggravates it further.

Starlight7080 · 04/06/2025 07:56

Don't have children with this man .
You can definitely do better .

Foxlovesfruit · 04/06/2025 07:56

If he is like this in your company, can you imagine what he's like if out with mates?!

IButtleSir · 04/06/2025 07:59

There is absolutely no coming back from this. Dump him.

BIossomtoes · 04/06/2025 08:00

Look @SunandSea2, I’m not going to mince my words. You’re way too young to settle for this - and it would be setting. Life with a drunk of any kind is miserable, life with a nasty drunk is unbearable. This isn’t going to get better, he’ll continue to drink excessively and his behaviour will continue to distress and embarrass you.

I’m married to a recovering alcoholic and if he hadn’t completely stopped drinking I’d have left a marriage of over 20 years. This man can’t drink alcohol. It’s as simple as that. If he carries on drinking and you stay with him you’ll be on eggshells wondering what he’s going to say and do next. It’s no way to live a life. I hope you find the courage to get out.

Keroppi · 04/06/2025 08:01

I'd never let someone embarrass me in front of my parents like that! Bin him off.

dudsville · 04/06/2025 08:02

There's just simply no need, no requirement, nothing at all that he can provide you that you can't so much more happily live very well without. Why give this any further thought?

toomuchfaff · 04/06/2025 08:02

nomas · 03/06/2025 21:48

YANBU, he behaved like an absolute dick and is blaming the evil beer.

Tell him if it ever happens again or if he tries to treat you or your mum like a maid, then you’re out.

Edited

one more chance?

he showed you who he is and how he thinks. Handmaid's tale, womens work, other women's tit's, lips, bj's (obviously stating the lips had a purpose) , objectifying women - all of this in front of your parents? He doesn't respect you, he doesn't respect them. He's told you who he is. Listen.

one more chance.
He promised he will change... but not stopping drinking, wont go that far - he's not got "a problem" , just tell her what she needs to hear, it'll be fine.

I don't agree to one more chance. I'd be done now. I'd have been done that day on the holiday. Don't entertain the excuses and false promises. You'll be back here in a week, a month, 3 months - but you'll definitely be back.

fruitandvegoverload · 04/06/2025 08:04

OP, if you don't leave this shit of a man you'll be back in a few years making the same post but this time he'll be making the revolting comments in front of your kids. He will not change. This is how he is.

nomas · 04/06/2025 08:12

MatildaMovesMountains · 04/06/2025 07:32

Why not just ditch the loser now? Why wait for a repeat performance?

I agree I would ditch him now but I know it's not always easy and some people feel like they need to give one last chance before dumping so they know they did try their best to warn their partner that they were at the end of their tether.

whitewineandsun · 04/06/2025 08:13

This is the kind of man you should be running from. 'Forgetting his audience' just means this is who he really is. Listen to him. He's telling you loud and clear.

ChampagneLassie · 04/06/2025 08:25

People like to let their gaurd down. On holiday relax, do things they enjoy, be their true selves. Turns out for your DP that’s being a misogynist. Ditch him, if you stay he’ll just get worse

diddl · 04/06/2025 08:35

Does anyone think there’s a way back from this or is it over when something like this happens?

Why would you want a way back?

He's utterly revolting.

Americano75 · 04/06/2025 08:38

Just, no. He won't change.

BuckChuckets · 04/06/2025 08:39

SunandSea2 · 03/06/2025 22:00

1, yes and always blamed it on drink and ‘forgetting his audience’. He usually chips in with his fair share of chores.

So you know this is who he really is. I'm sorry that you and your parents had to put up with that on holiday when you should have been having a great time. You know he's not going to change who he is as a person, don't you?

FuckityFux · 04/06/2025 08:39

C’mon OP. Stop accepting his crap excuses as you already know without a doubt that he’s a waste of space. Get rid today. You don’t owe him any more of your time.

A decent man NEVER objectifies women or talks in a derogatory way about women, regardless of whether they’re drunk or sober.

MikeRafone · 04/06/2025 08:40

Does anyone think there’s a way back from this or is it over when something like this happens?

how could there be a way back?

whitewineandsun · 04/06/2025 08:44

MikeRafone · 04/06/2025 08:40

Does anyone think there’s a way back from this or is it over when something like this happens?

how could there be a way back?

Why would you want one, OP. He behaved like a caveman in front of your parents. They are secretly hoping you leave, I would bet.

MyDeftDuck · 04/06/2025 08:45

He wouldn’t get a second chance with me……….sorry OP, but I think you would be wise to dump that particular lowlife.

CuriousKangaroo · 04/06/2025 08:45

The question shouldn’t be what the way back from this is. Your partner has shown himself to be a misogynist, alcohol or not. The question you really need to ask yourself is why you don’t think you deserve better than this awful man. Because J promise you, you do.

L0bstersLass · 04/06/2025 08:45

SunandSea2 · 03/06/2025 22:54

It’s possible he has a drinking problem, but I’m not accepting that as an excuse. He does seem to know he has messed up big time and says he will make an effort to reduce his drinking (not stop it). I know he has always had big sessions with his friends, but he has never drank to that extent around me before.

@SunandSea2 , he has now though.
What an embarrassing oaf he is.

Could you ever trust him in a social situation now?
You say that you "feel angry and humiliated and can’t see a way past this".

I think you're right to feel like that. No one has the right to be so bloody rude to your parents, or you for that matter.

I suggest he's run out of chances and doesn't get another one. Time's up for him.

Sandandsea123 · 04/06/2025 08:51

I can’t imagine anything worse than going on holiday with my in laws! Sounds a bit suffocating; dinner want to go or was he told he was going? I’d be getting shit faced too if I was him!