My three year old boy causing havoc at preschool

[littleboy]

He’s not listening at circle time, disruptive during any lessons or activities where he just needs to sit and listen. He laughs at the teachers and just continues the behaviour.

they remove him if he’s too disruptive and ignoring them.

at home, he has a fair amount of tantrums and doesn’t listen particularly well. We use consequences like taking toys away, taking him out of the situation. We use a reward star jar for good behaviour and praise good behaviour as much as possible, rather than always focusing in on bad behaviour.

I deflect a lot, give options and pre-empt situations as to avoid fall outs / confrontations. I find that if I’m too confrontational with him, it just ends badly and he acts up even more. It’s almost as if he wants to go against what you want him to do, so it’s best to not use too many words sometimes and just get him to do it.

anyway, he’s definitely a hand full ! He turned 3 recently and is quite a clever little boy in many ways, but he does have days where he’s pretty unbearable and has a lot of tantrums. Clearly at preschool it’s also a strain on the teachers. Unless he’s fully engaged, he becomes disruptive.

any advice ?

AHHHH!

NO it really doesn't!

(Any diagnosis is a long process made by a large team of professionals working with the individual child - not a PP on MN)

I am a teacher. Our three year old nursery children have lessons. These are short, 5 minutes sessions; reading a story, singing nursery rhymes or counting objects etc. It is not unreasonable for children of this age to sit for a short period of time and engage in these activities.

Has he met all his milestones previously? I know you said he’s clever is this across all areas? Can he put his own coat on? What are his language skills like: speaking, listening and understanding? What are his social skills like: Does he engage with other children? Can he wait his turn? Is he able to share?

steady on! I wasn’t saying he definitely has it. My DC was diagnosed by one psychiatrist by the way.

I’m a bit taken aback at people rushing to get this child diagnosed with something! PDA???
To me he sounds like a three year old who isn’t ready to sit quietly and join in with “lessons” that sort of thing comes with maturity.

I took my ds to a holiday park that ran activity sessions, the same holiday at just turned 3 and almost 4. At just turned 3 I attended all sessions with him and usually took him out well before the end. By the time he was almost 4 he went in his own and followed the whole session.

They often have a huge developmental leap around this age, please give your ds a chance to mature before starting to think about diagnoses Op!

Hello op. My son was exactly the same in preschool. He was just too advanced and was bored. He is a perfectly behaved 18 year old now. Don't stress. X

OP, this was my thread about my then 3 year old:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5158781-one-week-in-awful-behaviour-reports-from-preschool

He is doing brilliantly now. In his case it was a combination of being 3, a new setting and being traumatised from a recent injury. He had a detailed review from a health visitor with no concerns.

Think it's really dangerous to start diagnosing a 3 year old! These are all classic traits of a 3 year old, and at this age it's probably more to do with his developing personality than your parenting skills.
I don't think any of his behaviours are particularly disturbing given his age, and he's highly unlikely to be a 20 year old man still running around in circles ignoring everyone!
It sounds like you're a loving and attentive parent but maybe one that is worrying a bit to much about something that will eventually resolve itself and this anxiety is somehow playing Into his behaviour

No ADHD Bandwagon here, but I knew my 3 year old DS had ADHD, when he was 9 we asked for him to be diagnosed, he was/is. His primary school were brilliant and he is now doing his mocks and one of the most chilled 15 year old I know (no meds).

If there is one thing in common with many of the threads about 3-6 year old's who are out of control, it is that the parent says something like

"I don't want to escalate/confront/deal with it further because it just causes so much trouble and makes things worse"

Followed by "I just try and avoid/distract/get him out of the situation"

I really believe that this is the problem. Instead of doing the awful thing, and dealing with the tantrums until they stop (which they will eventually) or being strict/controlled enough to actually assert leadership and get him to understand how to behave, the parents would rather just try and avoid the battles entirely.

How do you expect him to learn how to deal with it? if you, as the parent, avoid the situations that trigger him, how will he cope when a pre-school or school doesn't avoid those situations? if you can't go get control and give up with discipline because of the awful reactions, how is a teacher going to manage?

Get things right at home, and his pre-school behavior will sort itself out.

Not listening for circle time should only be an issue for 10 minutes a day max. They sound very formal.

I don’t think so, we do the same at our nursery twice a day. Still lots of time to play.

I agree with the above. Instead of distracting let him experience the emotions he’s feeling. I know you said you do this but you also mentioned ‘I deflect a lot and avoid confrontations’.

3 is still little. I kept my son back from school until 6 (in AUS) as he was a ratbag and could not sit still. It worked well for us, he caught up and passed his peers academically and is now a GP (in his 30's now)
One of daughters started at 4 1/2 as she was super ready.
Keep praising good behaviour, ignoring naughty/ suitable consequences and keep him busy.
It may be something or he may just be a bit immature and not ready to sit yet.

Have you had his hearing checked? I'd book him in for a hearing test and an eye test, just to rule in or out the obvious things.

It sounds like you have a three year old (barely) being expected to behave like a five year old. The preschool sound appalling.

Trust me, he gets plenty of time to scream an tantrum.. it’s just not possible to deflect / distract in every situation that triggers him. I’m not worried about what you describe at all. Because he does get plenty of time where it’s just a no and he has to accept it. It literally means nothing long term that he has tantrums. He just needs to develop and mature emotionally and he’ll then be able to accept ‘ no ‘ without a tantrum.

I think a key question is when he turned 3, as there is a big difference between expecting a just turned 3 year old to be able to sit like that compared to an almost 4 year old.

Op said earlier in the thread that he was three last month and is the youngest in the group.

My dc attend nursery and I also attend several playgroups with them where there are story and song times. I have not yet seen a 2 or 3 year old who can't sit and focus for those short times.

Of course some will occasionally wander off and every so often one will have a tantrum but no single child is consistently incapable of focusing during story time. I find it weird that people suggest 3 is too young for circle time. It's the perfect age for circle time!

I teach reception and once it's compulsory there are always some children who can't. Every year. Parents dint take these children to toddler groups / nursery because they don't cope and get embarrassed or stressed and end up pulling them out thinking that they're not ready. Really, it's the nurseries who aren't ready. The setting needs to be ready for the children.

Interesting - I do believe you but that doesn't mean surely circle time shouldn't be a thing in those settings. It benefits most children greatly and I often regret there weren't more structured activities available in that age range.

Nawww sounds like a just turned three year old in an overstimulating setting that just needs a bit of time to settle in. Honestly I'd give it until the end of term and see how he settles. Might just be the wrong environment for him.

I started my DS at 2yrs 9months and he seemed so immature compared to the just turned 4 year olds. I debated pulling him back out (he was at a nursery previously) and putting him in an outdoor based pre school not attached to his future school. However he now apparently has a long attention span and is one of the few who isn't having an intervention to get ready for reception in September.

A bit unfair! There is nothing to suggest the school is appalling.

Well I’d disagree given their feedback on totally unremarkable just three year old behaviour.

I know this thread is old but omg... What am I reading? Your poor son is 3yo and this is all developmentally normal!