DH not arranging birthday card for mum

[Letsworkthisout]

My DH hasn’t arranged for a birthday card for me from our 2yo son. He got a standard birthday card from the shop opposite from himself and that was it. He knows I don’t want a fuss or money spent on presents but that a card means a lot to me. Already feel that I’m often an afterthought as he’s focused on his career and his social life and that’s his priority. I manage everything else including working myself. Just feeling a bit fed up as I went through years of chronic health related infertility and this stuff means a lot. I don’t want to come across as bratty and demand he organises a card on behalf of my son as that feels like it loses part of the meaning of the card itself. Am I being too sensitive? I know if I bring this up he’ll either apologise profusely and try and make it up (but this is a running theme), or he’ll turn it around and self-wallow about how rubbish he is and can’t do anything right.

Personally I find the concept of a partner getting card/present on behalf of infant to be a bit twee - especially for a birthday rather than Mother’s Day. BUT, I would be put out by him prioritising career and social life above you and your son. Would you have been so bothered about the lack of card if this wasn’t the case? I think your sensitivity/annoyance is a symptom of a deeper issue that you need to address with your husband.

If you haven't told him that you wanted a card 'from' DS, then you really can't blame him. Buying a card 'from' a child not old enough to actually choose one/care it's your birthday isn't a universal thing. You need to specify this.

The wider issue of him not pulling his weight should be addressed though. That's not on.

Why do you do everything else? Is there any point in being married to the man?

I understand your pov, I think as my son is very into arts and crafts and has got to the age where he’s excited about the concept of birthdays I assumed this year he’d arrange a card. My son is closer to 3 so I guess I see this as less of an infant, as before the concept of a card from my 6mo would have seemed quite bizarre! You’re definitely right on the fact this is a bigger issue

Honestly, I haven’t heard of partners writing cards on behalf of babies before, I imagine that this hasn’t crossed his mind and I am not sure how many people this would occur to.

the bigger issue is the imbalance in the relationship that you describe. Have you discussed this?

Well I have, he knows cards have always been meaningful to me. It was something I had brought up before our son when he didn’t used to bother getting me birthday cards. I guess I didn’t explicitly communicate that’s what I wanted (in terms of him organising a card from my son) but feel that loses a little of the charm of him doing things that he knows mean something to me and putting the effort to do an activity with our son.

I'm sorry he's prioritising everything including his social life (!) over you OP. That must be very hard.

The card is a minor issue but this thread is likely to focus on that. I'd start a new one in Relationships.

He knows I don’t want a fuss or money spent on presents but that a card means a lot to me.

then why not tell him now that you feel a bit hurt that you didn't get a birthday card from your child?

No need to make a scene, but you are a couple. You should be able to talk. It's too late for this year, but repeating that a card matters to YOU must be said.

It doesn't matter if a card is important for other people.

He’s the ‘breadwinner’ and I work part time and look after our son around childcare we have for my working hours. I just always did do everything, probably from my own culture growing up and having a more flexible job and less interested in going out socialising so home more than he is

Just say to the guy - I think X is old enough now to enjoy making me a birthday card or helping make a cake. Maybe you might like to do that.

If he then does not do mit, then hmmmm........

If he does you have given him the blueprint for future years. I know that he ideally would get this anyway - but some men simply don't. It is easier to just spell it out.

Thanks for replies! As pointed out this is probably more for relationship forum than this section. I was just interested on the card point how other mums felt. My son isn’t really a baby, he is nearly 3 and into drawing and crafts so less of an infant having no involvement in the card process. He likes reading birthday card and drawing shapes and people, but seems like other mums wouldn’t expect a card at this age so that’s good to know. Of course I will be communicating to my husband my expectations

Thank you. This is really helpful advice

I understand where you are coming from OP. My late DH always made sure I got a Birthday card/ Mother's day card / Christmas card from our son, right from when he was born. He was a miracle baby for us and born with the help of fertility treatment.
I do think from what you say about your relationship with your DH I can understand why this lack of thoughtfulness about the card is all the more upsetting for you.

Any man who doesn’t buy the mother of his child a 99p card from their child is a thoughtless knob.

I honestly can't figure out if you are being sarcastic?

I'm truly sorry your birthday took such an unexpected turn.I never receive anything including a card from my husband and my children on my birthday despite this, I am usually happy as long as we can spend time together on my birthday. But this year was a masterpiece of forgetfulness! The night before my big day, my husband, with impeccable timing, casually announced his plans to hit a gentleman's club tomorrow (which, for those keeping score, was my actual birthday!). Apparently, my special day had completely vanished from his memory banks. And just to add to the familial comedy, his brother popped up with a "Happy birthday, hope you are spoiled today!" on whatsapp message... on a completely different date altogether! Honestly, what in the world is going on with these two siblings? Is there a secret competition for "Most Oblivious to My Birthday"?

I’m hoping so! I’d expect the card to be from both of them.

Thanks for understanding my pov 💛your late DH sounds like they were really thoughtful

I’m so sorry to hear that! Really sounds very inconsiderate, hope you’re ok

I have been in a similar position to you. My husband got me a “mum” card for my first Christmas. I had told him I wanted a “mummy” card. It looked like something I’d get my mum as an adult not a baby. Especially with it being the first. He didn’t get me a gift from her either even though I got him. I ordered myself a mug on Christmas Day from Etsy. My mum actually bought me a first Christmas as my mummy card as she knew how upset I was.

Then I got exactly the same for my first Mother’s Day. The present I got was an Easter egg!!!!!! I ordered myself something. He knew how I upset I was and I told him he had one last chance then I would match energy.

I got him a really crappy birthday card that said “father” just to prove a point.

Last Christmas my mum ordered me a card just in case but he actually pulled it together and did really good.

People might tell you it’s no big deal but to you it is and that’s what matters. For me this shows how little he cares about you. That is how it felt for me.

A 2 yr old doesn’t know what a card is.

in a few years you will get home made ones.

a partner getting a card for a 2’yr old is weird.

Why tell him you “don’t want a fuss” when you do want a fuss though? There’s nothing wrong with wanting a bit of appreciation shown but then don’t martyr yourself.

Will, you might not want or expect a present or a fuss made on your birthday but I certainly do and would be really pissed off if my DH didn’t put in any effort. Just as he would be if all I could manage was a card from the shop across the road. It just shows a lack of compassion & love IMO - that he doesn’t even consider trying to make you feel special and spoilt for one day of the year.

How exactly does he contribute to home life? From what you said, I’m sensing he is ‘Mr. Important breadwinner’ leaving 100% of cooking, cleaning & childcare for you to fit around your ‘little job’ (I’m projecting, not suggesting!)

Does he bring anything to your relationship other than money & disappointment?

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers
“I am not sure how many people this would occur to.”

Well it has certainly occurred to my DC, who regularly give cards to their DPs from their young children. DD usually enlists their aid to make one (she is very arty) - but her DH would certainly ensure she got a card on her birthday from the DC. I think children like giving cards - when my DGS made a card for his mother at nursery, he was so excited about it he had to show it to her immediately when he got home, and the next day as well (it was for Mothering Sunday). OP, I feel your pain - very poor show on your DH’s part.

I’d be upset.

Both my husband and I have always used birthdays/celebrations to set an example to our young children.

We've got cards and gifts on their behalf since birth, they got each other a gift when the second was born - the cards/gifts don’t have to be big, just a sign of appreciation and thoughtfulness.

OP, it’s Father’s Day soon. I’d give the exact same energy back.