DH not arranging birthday card for mum

[Letsworkthisout]

My DH hasn’t arranged for a birthday card for me from our 2yo son. He got a standard birthday card from the shop opposite from himself and that was it. He knows I don’t want a fuss or money spent on presents but that a card means a lot to me. Already feel that I’m often an afterthought as he’s focused on his career and his social life and that’s his priority. I manage everything else including working myself. Just feeling a bit fed up as I went through years of chronic health related infertility and this stuff means a lot. I don’t want to come across as bratty and demand he organises a card on behalf of my son as that feels like it loses part of the meaning of the card itself. Am I being too sensitive? I know if I bring this up he’ll either apologise profusely and try and make it up (but this is a running theme), or he’ll turn it around and self-wallow about how rubbish he is and can’t do anything right.

Surely the card from the other adult shows appreciation for what the other does? A stunt card from a child with no concept of it really does seem pointless. I get it for Mothers’ / Fathers’ Day but not otherwise.

To be fair this is next level moaning. You were upset because you didn’t think it was the sort of card the baby would have picked… even though they were an incontinent baby who couldn’t pick or buy a card themselves anyway?

I take it that you didn’t get one then? 😆 You may think it’s a stunt card, others don’t and it’s upset the OP who has every right to be upset because it matters to her.

Because when they were younger and didn't have any concept of what it is then it seems utterly pointless.

I just don't get it either but from the other side!

No, a bit younger than that. I said we'd done it for a few years and they are 7 and 9 now. But as illiterate toddlers? No.

They don't get presents for anyone in the family now. We all do presents for others from all of us. Usually separate cards but webe never bought anyone a Christmas or birthday present from the DC as opposed to from all of us.

Since it seems like you have a mismatch in what celebrating the other looks like, I would try a sit down conversation with DH on both of your expectations/hopes around celebrations days. Each of you gets to set out what you would and would not prefer from the other (including assisting and reminding dc). Include types of gift, card, budget, flowers, suggesting gift ideas before the day or not, surprises etc etc…anything you can think of that will make it easier for each other to make the celebration day wonderful for each other. Agree that you will give in line with what the gift receiver prefers, not what the gifter prefers. Then write it all down and save it in a shared document that you both have access to. It will set both of you up for years of happier celebration days and a marriage based on clear communication

When it's your husband's next birthday, get your child to make him a card or draw a picture/sign his name inside your card to him.

Tell him that's a really nice thing to do going forwards...!

Sorry, last question.

Do the DC not get each other gifts (Xmas/birthday/well done for x)?

our gifts aren’t fully material, my eldest recently learnt how to ride a bike so the youngest got them a punnet of strawberries to celebrate.

No, not really. We will buy 2 or 3 things for birthdays and Christmas and they are all from all of us. If they have ideas for what the other might like that's great but it's still all going to say from "Mummy, Daddy and [sibling name]" on the tag.

If they want to start separating out their own presents for each other or for DH later on that's fine but I'm not interested in making them do so.

@DipsyDee seems like you are in the minority here rather than me. Being told I have a ‘low bar’ because I didn’t expect my DH to buy and write a card from a 2 year old is frankly laughable.

However, my point to the OP was not to question how she feels but rather to highlight that it may not have occurred to her DH (because why?) to do it and that (on its own) should not be seen as a failure.

I agree, at this age its cute to involve them and I'd expect a dad to lead on this, maybe not a necessarily a card but he could've included him in some baking to make a cake, or made you a necklace with beads or painted you a picture.
I think if he did lovely things that included your 2 yo and just happened to forget the card - not a big deal, you are being unreasonable but if he totally forgot to engage his own child in helping celebrate your birthday, then that's really rubbish of him. It's also just bad parenting, as surely it's a lovely bonding experience to have "secret mummy birthday" chats, plans etc.

This is just a thread. The people I know in real life do not share your opinion or your experience.Could you have a bit of the green eyes monster because your partner didn’t bother?

If cards are so important to you, then why not wait until your child is old enough to go out and buy one for you, surely this is better as it’s from your child and not your husband??

That’s two of us you think are jealous because we didn’t receive stunt cards allegedly from children too young to even understand the concept. My partner did “bother”, he bought me cards and presents from him and our child. You seem remarkably invested in this.

So do you with your repeated stunt card comment.

Just do the same to him, nothing on Father’s Day, nothing on his birthday and see if he says anything

even my waste of space cocklodger prick of an ex would get me a card for me from our son on birthdays.
I don’t know anyone who DOESN'T do this for their partner.

I’d give him the same level of celebration for Father’s Day. And if he says anything I’d just say “oh well as I didn’t get a card for my birthday I figured we weren’t doing cards from little one” (though I would probably still pull out a card for him afterwards as I’m not petty)

It means a lot to you so he should do it. It’s not like it’s difficult to buy or make a card.

I’m not fussed with cards, but my partner makes sure he does things that he knows I care about and I do the same for him. It shows thought and care. It’s not bratty.

Sounds like you need to raise your expectations. I couldn’t imagine being ok with my husband completely forgetting my birthday.

Honestly surprised by the number of people who wouldn’t expect a card and gift. We wouldn’t dream of not doing that for each other and it’s also teaching your children from a young age how to treat one another.

YANBU to complain about being expected to do everything, and coming second to your partner's career and social life.

YABU to expect him to give you a birthday card from your toddler; that is not routine (in a year's time, he might encourage the child to make a drawing for you or similar; but signing a birthday card for the mother on the child's behalf is not a custom). Also, even if he did do that, would it make up for daily neglect?.

It is routine for a father to get a card for the mother from the child.

So am I.

It really isn't. It might happen a lot but clearly for a lot of us it is far from routine and wouldn't even register as so.ething to do or expect

it is routine for many many many people. Just because you don’t think it is doesn’t make it true. Thankfully my husband appreciates what I do and wants to show me just as I do him. It really does t take much to do the unthinkable for some people and buy one more card. Try it you might like it