DH wants to trim my hedge

[FridayNeverHesitate]

We live on a quiet country lane, with a field and a pond on the other side of the lane. Our house has a small front garden (three or four metres long) and a hornbeam hedge (which is about 160 cm tall) between us and the lane. Our kitchen looks out onto the front garden.

DH is keen to halve the height of the hedge, the better to enjoy the view of the field and the pond. I would like to keep it at its current height, partly because I think a taller hedge is better for wildlife, but also because I think it provides more privacy. DH isn't especially interested in wildlife, and argues that as it's a quiet road, we don't require privacy from the hedge. However, I WFH in the kitchen and I think there's quite a few passers-by. There is one house further down the lane, so they walk past; their cleaner passes our house; delivery drivers (they get a lot of deliveries). Then there's the postman, and quite a lot of random walkers and cyclists.

DH can enjoy the view from his study, which is above the kitchen and has a clear view of the field and pond. I want to enjoy privacy in the kitchen, which is effectively my study and where I spend most of my time. He claims it's a family room so he deserves a say in the view too, but in reality he spends very little time in the kitchen (only really making tea and eating supper).

For the gigglers….

Following an attempted break in next door (via the back garden!) our young neighbour came to tell us.
In all seriousness my DH asked her
” Does your bush go right across or have to got a gap in it?”
I had to walk off and left him trying to continue the conversation as it dawned in him. 😂

There are exceptions to this. I do trim ours throughout the year and not breaking any laws.

OP Have you tried sharing the study? DH and I do that, so I’ll have it for the morning and he has the afternoon (or whatever works in terms of key meetings, time to swap, how formal we need to be, whether we need the second screen)?

In your situation I’d suggest he have the kitchen every morning, and you have the study. Then swop at whatever point works for both of you so that he doesn’t have noisy kids in the background after school.

Do that until September (as you shouldn’t cut the hedge before that anyway), and it gives a few months to try it. If he’s not up for that, then perhaps you’re not up for even discussing cutting the hedge?

Thought it was the traffic you're complaining about!

Yeah, but it's a negotiation point. He might drop it if he knows the consequences.

that might work!

Well, quite. Really, I think it should be entirely my decision as I spend so much more time in here than he does, but he's adamant that it's a "family room, so it should be a family decision".

In truth, I know this. I'm sure the postman wouldn't even glance my way. But I know I'd feel kind of exposed and uncomfortable without the hedge.

It's a good idea, but I don't think it would work for us. He has a bad back, so uses a height-adjustable desk and chair, and he also has a massive second screen whic he uses a lot. I don't think he'd work very well at the kitchen table.

I might show him this thread though. 84% of people agree with me!

Yes but what he really seems to be saying is that his view take precedence over yours. He wants it one way, you want it another - why does he think his opinion should overrule yours?

He has his own room with a view, you spend far more time in the kitchen, so you get the casting vote.

From what I understand about reflective film, you can still see out (and enjoy the views), but people outside can't see in. I don't think he should insist on removing the hedge if he's literally only in there to eat and make himself a drink, but if you do end up cutting the hedge, I'd look at window film.

I’d feel the same, OP – it’s not about them looking in at you, almost, it’s the distraction/awareness. Far easier for your DH to tune out passers-by as he’s above the fray in his first-floor study, with his view of the field and the pond.

Personally I prefer my downstairs living spaces to have that cosy, enhedged feel (Christ, there’s no non-pube reading of this anymore is there?!). Our house had astroturf when we moved in; I planted bare-root copper beech last autumn and even with its spindly first-year growth, the sitting room feels nicer – instead of the room being exposed to the street, the front garden now feels like an extension of the room.

No advice on persuading DH. Maybe take secateurs to his preferred seat on the sofa: “it’s a family seat, I made a family decision”.

This thread has made me wish MN hadn’t removed the laugh response to comments 😅

but as you primarily use it - tell him to leave it be or swap with you!

He’ll probably claim 20cm is nearer 30cm anyway…!

If it’s a “family decision” why does his choice override yours?

Of course it is, so get kids voting accordingly (bribe them with ice cream)
I wouldn’t budge even for 20 cm - it might be a real difference for you. Plus privacy overrules every time. And wtf your DH is doing looking at fields during his working day ? He should concentrate on working.

By the way I came to this thread with absolute certainty that it’s about the real hedge, I fight for every inch with DH.

Completely unrelated but I think OP has already got answers, one family Christmas I was making the potatoes Delia style which involves boiling them then shaking the saucepan with a lid on to make them go crispy and fluffy in the oven.

I explained this to DF and he kept saying 'that's right, give them a good fluffing, go on' as I was shaking the pan.

I was trying not to cry with laughter.

I don't think he knew the connotations of fluffing 😆

But by him saying it should be a "family decision", what he is actually is saying is that "I'm the man of the house, I make the decision."

The way I see it, you both have strong feelings about the hedge, one wanting it cut, one not. I think because you cannot agree, it should stay as it is. I also think that because the person who uses the room the most should also get the overriding say.

If he goes and does it anyway, without your agreement - I'd pay a carpenter to put permanently closed wooden shutters on the outside of his office window (kind of joking).

omg. You keep saying this. Say it to him- that you dont think he will work well in the kitchen because SURELY you are saying to him that’s his domain if he spoils it for you!! Tell him to cost up a garden office as well if he doesn’t want to work in the kitchen because. You. Will. Be. Working. In. The. Study if anyone can see over the hedge.
op, is he always really inconsiderate? I’m trying to understand your reaction here. I’d have told him to move his stuff and he’s working in the kitchen tomorrow since it’s a shared room that he thinks he can do whatever the fuck he likes with, but you don’t want to work there without the hedge and it’s your house too, so it’s your study now.

and some of them are trying to work out just how self centred and dismissive of your views this man usually is.

😂

Nor me!

😂

I don't think anyone should be working in the kitchen, as it is a family room. If it was a man taking over the kitchen and dictating how the hedge had to be cut because of it, Mumsnet would be frothing and saying he needs to get back to the office and not work in the family spaces, and certainly then not try to claim them as their own.

So firstly, I think there needs to be a review of working spaces/working practices to ensure that both workers in the family can work outside of the main family rooms of the house. If that means that both workers have to share the study/spend some days in the office, so be it. Alternative options are a garden office, a desk in the spare room, or even a desk in the bedroom if there's no other options. Even dining room would be better than kitchen, as people are less likely to need to use it during the working day.

Secondly, I do think that the kitchen is a family room, and therefore hedge cutting is a family decision. That's not to say it should be what he wants - but equally it's not fair for OP to veto it. A compromise situation of keeping it trimmed and tidy, but not cut too short would surely be the way to go.