Only working 20 hours is not enough to support a family on minimum wage

[mummyofhyperDD]

Pretty shocked to discover a friend of mine and her husband both choose to work only 20 hours a week! They are both on minimum wage. I met this lady when she was in a hostel with her daughter due to emotional abuse, and her daughter had just started in my daughter’s class. Girls became friends and I did what I could to support the mum, she went back to him but I chose to stay friends and try to support her (she moved back to where they live an hour away). I’ve been doing everything I can to help out for the last 3 years - driving around as the mom doesn’t gave a reliable car, paying to take little girl and her mum away with us this half term as the dad won’t (he has autism and can’t cope). I’ve understood they are on minimum wage but I feel like a mug realising they both choose to work half time to “reduce stress”. I’ve been helping the mom to find a sedentary job as she’s a cleaner and has an injury which majes that hard. They aren’t going this to claim UC as they have savings which prevent them claiming as I’ve just discovered when I asked her to check she’s getting everything they are entitled to (when she told me she can’t afford to send her DD on the tear 6 residential).
In a way I understand - she’s from another country and doesn’t have family support to help with her one child - a 9 year old who is awaiting ADHD assessment but I also feel like a mug helping them both out because of course it’s hard to manage on minimum wage - then finding out today that both are only working 20 hours a week out of choice! I was about to offer to pay the £400 for their child’s residential - but they have savings just choosing not to spend them. She is a nice lady and very kind to me and my DD but I really do think her husband at least should work full time! I’m just so shocked as I thought I should help because they were struggling but now think they could help themselves but are choosing not to do everything they can! I’m supporting mum to get a GCSE in maths and English as her degree from her own country is not recognised in the UK (not financially just helping with learning as much as I can).
I have always worked full time plus and I’m so shocked - am I being super judgemental and unfair?

Fine if they have savings. Not if they’re claiming benefits. Some people just don’t cope well with life. Why did they come to the UK if they’re struggling?

Her husband is autistic, he may really struggle with working, it's great he's doing 20 hours. I'm autistic and have realised that I can't work full time without severe detriment to my mental health, I just can't cope with it.
So yes you are being very judgemental when you don't know their situation and it's none of your business.

So the husband is autistic, she’s got an injury which makes her job difficult so she’s looking to change job types, and they have a ND child. But you can’t see any valid reason for them to not both work full time? Really? They aren’t claiming benefits so it’s not harming the benefit badgers. Meanwhile the mum is trying to better herself to build a better life for them. Yeah you are harsh and judgemental.

Good on them if they can afford it. If he's autistic 20 hours might be all he can manage. If they're managing financially and not claiming benefits then they're quite right. They'll have a better work/life balance

Time to step back and devote some of your time to a charity rather than trying to rescue your friend who doesn't need it! It's nice to be kind for the sake of it but not taken for a fool.
Lots of people especially with SN kids don't work full time but regardless you're getting the gut feeling that it's time to step back
Paying £400 for someone else's kids is crazy in my opinion. She can ask the school for a reduced price.

They have their own savings not everyone needs to work full time. It's not your job to support them financially and they haven't even asked you. YABU for judging them

I don’t really understand why you’ve become so involved in their lives.

Step back. Their work and life isn't your business. It's nice of you but slso a bit misunderstood.

This is the problem with this country. Why move here if they can’t afford the uk? They will be pushing for an ADHD assessment for more disability allowance .

If they find they can live on £488 a week it’s entirely their decision.

My partner and I both only work 3 days a week. She works the first half and I work the second. We have twins (4 years old). She’s a teacher and I am a radiographers assistant, and we manage 🤷🏼‍♀️

They can afford the UK, they’re not claiming benefits. It’s all there in the OP.

They clearly can afford the residential and a more reliable car so dial back your rescue efforts and let them manage their own issues.

They clearly have a lot of issues going on so can't cope working full time and have savings so I don't see the issue. It isn't their fault that you have assumed they worked full time but were incorrect.

Our primary school have financial assistance for school trips for lower income families so don't pay for her.

I think you have crossed a line to seeing her as needing to be rescued rather than an equal that can make her own decisions. You should stop any financial assistance and focus on other ways to support her.

So DH has a disability, DW has an injury and a DC with possible special needs, her DH disabilities must be pretty bad at times, if she left for a hostel.
Sounds like a rough life to me.

He was born in the UK and is British. she’s from the EU . I know I’m being judgemental- it’s so far from my own experience. They aren’t claiming benefits and never have done it transpires as I was trying to help her by saying we could check she’s actually getting everything she’s entitled to. I’m involved in their lives as they ask me to help with anything official / paperwork as they both find this hard - her as she’s not British and speaks very heavily accented in English so often people don’t understand her/ are racist. Him because of his autism/ ADHD.

BIossomtoes · Today 19:30
well it’s obvious in the ops story this family cannot afford to live in the uk. Can’t afford the residential for their daughter. Without claiming benefits , how can they afford rent, fuel. Food, bills with both working 20 hours each on minimum wage?

You post is terrible and judgemental and could do with better spacing as it was a jumble of hatred.

So between them they're working full time hours - the same as one person working full time and one person being a sahp.

Leave her alone, she deserves friends who appreciate her and want to help without judging.

Yabu.

This. Why is paying for the kid to go on trips, driving them round.. get a bus surely? Helping her with her GCSEs… why isn’t she focusing on her own life? Kids, partner?

Thank you, yes it’s absolutely my mistake for misjudging the situation

Clearly they can afford it because they’re not claiming benefits. I realise this really irks you because you’d love to put the boot in and you can’t. A £400 residential isn’t a necessity, lots of parents won’t be able to afford it.

Thanks - it was as a rough life and I was sad when she went back to him but I’m trying to be the friend she needs as she has no family around

That’s what social care is for. Up to them to get the help they need. Step back. You’re too involved.

They live frugally - dad can’t handle life outside the home because of his autism so minimal spend on socialising/ holidays, they are frugal and own their own (mortgaged) house -