Only working 20 hours is not enough to support a family on minimum wage

[mummyofhyperDD]

Pretty shocked to discover a friend of mine and her husband both choose to work only 20 hours a week! They are both on minimum wage. I met this lady when she was in a hostel with her daughter due to emotional abuse, and her daughter had just started in my daughter’s class. Girls became friends and I did what I could to support the mum, she went back to him but I chose to stay friends and try to support her (she moved back to where they live an hour away). I’ve been doing everything I can to help out for the last 3 years - driving around as the mom doesn’t gave a reliable car, paying to take little girl and her mum away with us this half term as the dad won’t (he has autism and can’t cope). I’ve understood they are on minimum wage but I feel like a mug realising they both choose to work half time to “reduce stress”. I’ve been helping the mom to find a sedentary job as she’s a cleaner and has an injury which majes that hard. They aren’t going this to claim UC as they have savings which prevent them claiming as I’ve just discovered when I asked her to check she’s getting everything they are entitled to (when she told me she can’t afford to send her DD on the tear 6 residential).
In a way I understand - she’s from another country and doesn’t have family support to help with her one child - a 9 year old who is awaiting ADHD assessment but I also feel like a mug helping them both out because of course it’s hard to manage on minimum wage - then finding out today that both are only working 20 hours a week out of choice! I was about to offer to pay the £400 for their child’s residential - but they have savings just choosing not to spend them. She is a nice lady and very kind to me and my DD but I really do think her husband at least should work full time! I’m just so shocked as I thought I should help because they were struggling but now think they could help themselves but are choosing not to do everything they can! I’m supporting mum to get a GCSE in maths and English as her degree from her own country is not recognised in the UK (not financially just helping with learning as much as I can).
I have always worked full time plus and I’m so shocked - am I being super judgemental and unfair?

But they don’t. And they don’t want to claim benefits.

Everyone is being very judgmental, foreigners have the right to claim benefits be mad at the system not on individuals. Why should foreign people claim benefits when they also pay twxes? I understand if they dont work they shouldnt get anything and if they have that much in savings they dont need benefits at all

Yes you are being judgemental. What's it to you how much they work? Stop helping them financially then. Did they even ask for that? Sounds like you want to help, but only if they have the lifestyle you agree with. My partner and I both work part time because we want to be present for our child and we don't want all our wages to go towards someone else raising our child. We live simple lives. Our wages get topped up by the state, just as childcare fees would get topped up by the state if our child was in childcare. If it makes you feel annoyed, go part time yourself.

They can afford to live in the uk, they can afford the residential if they wanted to it sounds like they are choosing not to pay it… which is ok, residential trips aren’t essential or mandatory. They will be bringing in just under £2000 between them that’s easily enough to manage each month for some (depending on location)

Tbf this couple won’t be paying tax but then again neither are half the people on benefits
(I mean the ones who don’t actually work not the ones on UC to top up their wages).

Yes and we shouldnt be mad at those people but be mad at the system. There are many healthy adults who dont work at all not a single day in their life whether they are british or not and claim benefits. They should claim and the system shouldnt give them benefits to begin with.

The lazy people who don’t work a day in their life don’t deserve the financial help! But like you say it’s the system people should be mad at.

Yes - I imagine this is the rationale - to be below the tax threshold - from what I know of her husband. It’s just frustrating as their daughter doesn’t lack what she needs but if they were working more their daughter could have what mine has which is a private diagnosis of her adhd and ASD rather than waiting 4 years on the NHS so it won’t happen until she’s at secondary and I’m annoyed to realise while I’ve been looking to see if any charities could help they have savings so aren’t entitled to help. I thought they were really struggling

This. They’ve been taking advantage of you when they could afford to buy a reliable car and drive themselves around. If she knew you work full time and are taking up your time to do this for them when they could fund this themselves and she could pay for tuition for her qualifications rather than get you to help her then it seems like they’ve taken advantage of your good nature and don’t really care about the impact on you. It sounds like it was convenient for them to keep you under the impression they were struggling and in need of your help when they were not.

Does she ever do anything to help you or make any gesture of thanks? It doesn’t really seem like a friendship, more like one of those vampire situations.

They might well be really struggling. That doesn't mean they can necessarily cope with full-time work. That is exactly and precisely how disabled (including neurodivergent) people get into poverty, or live on the cusp of it. Because we can't work full time yet don't qualify, for whatever reason, for benefits. Or because we can't manage the gruelling and overwhelming admin demands of maintaining a benefits claim.

I'm not even just talking about your friend here, but that it seems that in general you believe that people can just work more if they'd put more effort in, and then could have a better quality of life. It doesn't work like that for many of us. Assumptions like this lead to us feeling ashamed and judged for living life the way that works for us as best we can, because it is evident that people who don't work full time hours are viewed with suspicion.

Dh is choosing not pay for and your friend doesn’t have access to that money so SHE can’t afford. That’s the reality, she isn’t in a good situation it sounds like

Autistic people are among those most highly at risk of being the victims of abuse. They are statistically very unlikely to be abusers themselves because common traits are a large amount of empathy, a highly developed sense of justice, and being very emotionally sensitive, vulnerable people who also lack the capacity to be manipulative. It’s horrible to try to conflate autism with being abusive when (although as with all groups of people there are of course outliers) they are less likely to perpetrate abuse and more likely to be victims of it than the general population.

Your background is why it shocks you, but that’s a conversation many locals aren’t ready to have or couldn’t possibly comprehend.

I know a couple (the husband being from abroad) that does this (work PT and live off savings + what they got from her children, who then eventually got diagnoses later on) and it was very difficult for me to understand how could they enjoy accounting for every penny and having to chase after every voucher. I just feel like it would suck the joy out of my life (not that I’m not broke).

I will say though, props to them for truly living by their own rules. They’re not the ones stuck in a job 40h/week.

Something that I have learned is that you are not always better off working full time in this country - sadly. With taxes etc, sometimes working part time and using the rest of your time to avoid paying childcare fees is financially sustainable for a family, especially if they don’t have family around - and it sounds like her job, cleaning, doesn’t always have high wages anyway unless she cleans for the elite or something.

I think you should definitely do an internal check on yourself and ask why you feel like you need to save her. This isn’t a friendship and you are not doing her a favour if you are not seeing her as equal and are jumping to her rescue. I’m sure she appreciates the help and may be very lucky to have you but I would cut back the giving if I were you.

I have friends that can’t afford to put their kids in classes but there are plenty of bursaries around these days and free holiday clubs. There are plenty of free activities we attend with the kids and it gives us a chance to catch up.

Do you have anything else in common with this woman? Or does she feel more like a younger sibling you are “protecting”.

Good luck

If they have savings they probably could afford to have a private diagnosis, the fact they are waiting on nhs is because they don’t want to spend their money on a diagnosis when they can wait and have it for free. Which that alone should make you wonder why you are putting in so much effort for them when they aren’t willing to help themselves. I certainly wouldn’t be giving them any financial help

Why are people going on about them not being British? The father is British!

Or because they dint want to rely on benefits (because just look at PIP etc…those get cut anyway) and I refer to be financially independent for as long as possible.

Instead, you’re right, they could use their savings, go private and …. Get UC afterwards. Great calculation if your aim is to reduce the weight on public services.

@mummyofhyperDD so the issue really is that he is financially controlling :(:(

If she is getting upset about it and his way is to spend as little as possible, I can see how you’ve ended up as their support.
Well done on putting boundaries re when you’re available.

after that, I’d say the best is to remember Theyre making choices. And it’s up to them to live with them.
Maybe when/if they ask fur support again, just remember that she might be more unhappy than she lets out.

I wouldn’t call it judgemental. I think honestly, most of us would judge someone who would let their child miss Year 6 residential because they “can’t afford it” and yet does have savings to pay for it.

But look no-one is forcing you to help them. If I were you, I would have backed off long before now.

Yes they might not want to depend on benefits so they are choosing not to spend their money on going private and waiting for the nhs because it’s free.