Only working 20 hours is not enough to support a family on minimum wage

[mummyofhyperDD]

Pretty shocked to discover a friend of mine and her husband both choose to work only 20 hours a week! They are both on minimum wage. I met this lady when she was in a hostel with her daughter due to emotional abuse, and her daughter had just started in my daughter’s class. Girls became friends and I did what I could to support the mum, she went back to him but I chose to stay friends and try to support her (she moved back to where they live an hour away). I’ve been doing everything I can to help out for the last 3 years - driving around as the mom doesn’t gave a reliable car, paying to take little girl and her mum away with us this half term as the dad won’t (he has autism and can’t cope). I’ve understood they are on minimum wage but I feel like a mug realising they both choose to work half time to “reduce stress”. I’ve been helping the mom to find a sedentary job as she’s a cleaner and has an injury which majes that hard. They aren’t going this to claim UC as they have savings which prevent them claiming as I’ve just discovered when I asked her to check she’s getting everything they are entitled to (when she told me she can’t afford to send her DD on the tear 6 residential).
In a way I understand - she’s from another country and doesn’t have family support to help with her one child - a 9 year old who is awaiting ADHD assessment but I also feel like a mug helping them both out because of course it’s hard to manage on minimum wage - then finding out today that both are only working 20 hours a week out of choice! I was about to offer to pay the £400 for their child’s residential - but they have savings just choosing not to spend them. She is a nice lady and very kind to me and my DD but I really do think her husband at least should work full time! I’m just so shocked as I thought I should help because they were struggling but now think they could help themselves but are choosing not to do everything they can! I’m supporting mum to get a GCSE in maths and English as her degree from her own country is not recognised in the UK (not financially just helping with learning as much as I can).
I have always worked full time plus and I’m so shocked - am I being super judgemental and unfair?

You are too involved.

You are way too involved, paying for the trip is crazy. If they can manage on part time hours and have saving without claiming benefits then they are doing quite well financially so could afford all the things you are doing for free.

Thanks for the comments I’m too involved- I really needed this confirmation. I definitely have an issue with trying to help people - it’s how I was raised and is not healthy. I need to stay out of it

How disappointing it must be for you to discover that you can't use this thread to promote your hate-filled rhetoric about immigrants coming to sponge off the British state, a) because it turns out that the husband in this situation happens to be British and b) because the family in question aren't actually claiming any benefits.

Never mind. There's probably still some scope for bashing people with disabilities.

You can't offer friendship and helping somebody who is struggling only to decide that they aren't struggling in the right way for you to have sympathy.

I've seen this so much recently, the attitude that unless you're breaking your balls working long hours, you're essentially worthless or taking the piss out of people who do work long hours. But I never see it directed at rich people or even the very comfortable middle class who reture early, live on income from rental properties or have wealthy parents giving them help. It's always directed at those who are the least fortunate.

i imagine working part time with injuries, disabilities and a disabled child is pretty grueling. If they work minimum wage childcare costs would likely outstrip their potential to earn more even if they took on more hours.

Lots of children don't get to go on residential trips or big outings. Even those who have parents who both work full time.

You need to give your head a wobble because acting like this behind some bodies back is definitely not friend like behaviour. If you feel as you do, perhaps distance yourself and do the minimum to maintain your daughter's friendship.

They can afford it. They're not entitled to benefits due to being over the savings limit. OP had misread the situation and is frustrated as they have greater means than she realised when she was considering offering financial help.

I have a lot of empathy for this lady having been very grateful to be able to afford to leave an unhappy marriage myself and feeling for her that she didn’t have the financial to herself

Usually I’d say no, 20 hours isn’t enough and they should be doing everything they can to work more hours. But in this situation, they both have health issues and disabilities and they aren’t even claiming benefits. There’s nothing wrong with this situation. I’m autistic and have ADHD and I do work and have a good career, but there’s no way I’d manage to do full time whilst having young children, I just wouldn’t manage it. Unless you have these disabilities you really don’t know what it’s like and how hard it makes things.

You just need to butt out and not be so judgemental and gossipy. You're not coming across very well.

I’m not sure why you are so upset about their life choice.
She didn’t ask you to pay for the Y6 residential, she isn’t on benefit.

She has chosen to work 20 hours as does her dh.
You are CHOOSING to work full time.

All of this is a choice. Theyre clearly happy with the life they have now and find having less money is a trade off they are happy with.
Clearly this wouldn’t work for you. And That’s ok too.

What you can’t do is to expect them to live their life the same way you do,

At my GP surgery every female GP is part time (2 of them just do 3 mornings a week, 1 only 2 mornings) No one complains about that - they are probably better doctors as have better work/life balance & not stressed or burnt out (or not as much!)

Why on earth would it be different for someone on minimum wage doing a very physical demanding job like cleaning?

If they can afford to do it & have saved up enough to be able to work part time then they are likely to be happier, more emotionally & physically available for their kids, have low/no childcare costs etc

I think you just misjudged the situation and possibly the extent to which people choose to help themselves sometimes. It does sound like they have it tough through both bad luck and choices (without knowing the ins and outs of what led them to where they are).

I've known people who find their work tough but, when I learn more, they have passed up opportunities for other employment. I'd continue to offer support that doesn't take much from you so you won't be too disappointed when they make choices you don't agree with.

OP, you sound kind and well meaning, and I'm sure that this family have appreciated your help. You've made some assumptions and you've become a bit over-involved. Understandable, given that the parallels that you perceived between this woman's situation and your own past. It might be time to take a bit of a step back, and to avoid offering any further financial help, but it sounds like they may well still need the practical support that you've been kind enough to provide.

You totally misunderstand me , I’m not a reform voter! I’m a child of immigrants (and my family aren’t white unlike my friend - so we were clearly immigrants. And poor. And my DD has autism and ADHD so I’m not here to bash the disabled either. And my friend and her husband are white, he is British. She looks British but is European

Tbh you sound well meaning. Agd I thin’ that helping them is very kind. Something you should continue doing tbh.

But there’s a line not to cross. And that’s helping them on things tgey didn’t ask help with - like the benefits.

Tbh seeing the dh has a disability and she has some health problems, Theyre already doing VERY WELL working 20 hours a week. You should have been celebrating theyr achievements there. Not judging them

Thank you, mum wants me to help her with dealing with the school - her DD is year 4 and awaiting ADHD and ASD assessment and does need intervention which she’s not receiving and mum has no idea how to obtain this and wants support from me to get her daughter academic and social help at school.

No, you've misunderstood me! That post was aimed at @Hairpuffpuff , whose post I quoted. I have responded to your OP in a separate post.

Why should folk work full time if they can afford not to? Don’t we work to live not the other way around? Also she’s an adult and it’s not your job to save her. She is responsible for her own life choices, may I suggest you disentangle yourself.

Now you know OP. I've been bitten like this myself, people are very good at making you feel sorry for them and accepting help so they don't have to spend.

Just stop.

Agreed.

And I’d add to this there’s another thread on here currently about a (British )couple who have 2 or 3 kids yet both work part time . They are struggling financially but not claiming benefits. It happens. And in this case they have savings.

sorry for misquoting you @MrsBennetsPoorNerves and thank you for your kindness

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves yep… I hate the insinuation of some people that an ADHD or autism diagnosis means you get extra money. It doesn’t automatically entitle you to anything at all

Well, quite. I have adhd and frankly it costs me a fortune, but I certainly don't get any extra money for it!

They have savings. It’s right there in the OP. Being unwilling or unable to afford a £400 residential doesn’t mean they can’t afford to live in the UK. Anyway the bloke is a British citizen so why on earth do you think he shouldn’t live here? If he’s been married to her for any length of time, she might also be a British citizen.

If being unable to afford to send your child on a residential means you can’t afford to live in the UK, there’s going to be a lot of born and bred Brits moving out.

Ableist nastiness