Only working 20 hours is not enough to support a family on minimum wage

[mummyofhyperDD]

Pretty shocked to discover a friend of mine and her husband both choose to work only 20 hours a week! They are both on minimum wage. I met this lady when she was in a hostel with her daughter due to emotional abuse, and her daughter had just started in my daughter’s class. Girls became friends and I did what I could to support the mum, she went back to him but I chose to stay friends and try to support her (she moved back to where they live an hour away). I’ve been doing everything I can to help out for the last 3 years - driving around as the mom doesn’t gave a reliable car, paying to take little girl and her mum away with us this half term as the dad won’t (he has autism and can’t cope). I’ve understood they are on minimum wage but I feel like a mug realising they both choose to work half time to “reduce stress”. I’ve been helping the mom to find a sedentary job as she’s a cleaner and has an injury which majes that hard. They aren’t going this to claim UC as they have savings which prevent them claiming as I’ve just discovered when I asked her to check she’s getting everything they are entitled to (when she told me she can’t afford to send her DD on the tear 6 residential).
In a way I understand - she’s from another country and doesn’t have family support to help with her one child - a 9 year old who is awaiting ADHD assessment but I also feel like a mug helping them both out because of course it’s hard to manage on minimum wage - then finding out today that both are only working 20 hours a week out of choice! I was about to offer to pay the £400 for their child’s residential - but they have savings just choosing not to spend them. She is a nice lady and very kind to me and my DD but I really do think her husband at least should work full time! I’m just so shocked as I thought I should help because they were struggling but now think they could help themselves but are choosing not to do everything they can! I’m supporting mum to get a GCSE in maths and English as her degree from her own country is not recognised in the UK (not financially just helping with learning as much as I can).
I have always worked full time plus and I’m so shocked - am I being super judgemental and unfair?

It doesn't sound like this is the case. They have savings and have decided that the residential isn't a good use of their funds.

And as for this disablist bullshit - you are talking absolute crap. You are very unlikely to get benefits for ND conditions unless they’re completely disabling, in which case you’re entitled to them. Why don’t you piss off with your racist disabilist bigotry?

This is sooo fucking outing to the person it’s about.

You can't offer friendship and helping somebody who is struggling only to decide that they aren't struggling in the right way for you to have sympathy.

This! You've way overstepped the boundaries and now feel hard done by because they weren't actually 'poor enough' to deserve your help. In future don't pay for others kids school trips or holidays, it is massively weird and you leave yourself very open to being taken advantage of. Donate to charities instead

Yes you're being judgemental. Good for you that you can juggle it all and have always worked full time. Not everyone can. Her DH is autistic. She has an injury and a manual job and she and her child have been through the trauma of abuse so probably have poor mental health. Sounds like she is doing what's best for her family. Being able to afford luxuries isn't everyone's priority.

They’re taking advantage of you OP.

Telling you they can’t afford the residential, leaning on you for favours and lifts and GCSE help and sorting out their life admin etc etc.

They can clearly afford the residential since UC allows £16k in savings before they don’t pay anything (I think they take 55p off every £ above £6k but would still pay something after deductions) so likely they are sitting on £16k+ to be entitled to no UC……

Maybe time to learn some boundaries. I say that kindly because I used to be similar. You are giving far too much time and money and head space. Friendship shouldn’t be like this. It’s ok to help but this seems more like you are their social worker or carer. Step back.

Thank you @Chipsahoy - this is exactly it, they do treat me as their social worker, when they have issues they ask for my help immediately and I’ve had to set the boundary that they don’t call for my help during my working day

Why on earth does it matter how many hours someone works?

If she'd been actually lying and saying she worked full time yet couldn't afford XYZ that's one thing, but she hasn't. You've assumed. And from what I can tell, she hasn't actually asked you for money.

She probably thinks you're just helping because you're her friend and want to. Little does she know she doesn't meet the "working enough hours" criteria.

Is he abusive? or is it his autism that was distressing her? He probably can't help a lot of his behaviour and she was aware of his limitations when she met him.

As an autistic person, we need to be careful with conflating behaviour and limitations of autism with abuse. Autistic people can be abusive, and deserve no more forgiveness for that than any other person. It's not fair to imply that someone being abused by an autistic person "knew his limitations when she met him" as if abuse is part of autism. It's not.

I understand that.
I meant was she losing patience with him and his limitations or being abused by him.
Not that she should accept the abuse because he has autism.

I think you made an assumption from your own perspective OP and to now discover they do not work full-time has wrong footed you. You have given a considerable amount of time (and energy) to supporting them, and you considered paying for their child’s residential trip because you would not want the child to miss out. That’s ok OP. Step back for a bit.

I do quite a lot to help others, OP, and it's nice when you can make a difference, but it does sound like this family are relying on you far too much, and that it has gone well beyond what you're actually comfortable with.

The situation that you describe doesn't sound sustainable for any of you. If they need more help than you can realistically give, or simply more than you feel you want to give, maybe the kindest thing you can do is help them to identify professional sources of help that they could access instead?

If you find it hard to say no, try thinking about it in a different way. What would they do if something happened that suddenly rendered you unable to help any more? It isn't good for them to be this dependent on you, and it isn't good for you either to feel so responsible for them.

If they can’t claim uc it’s as they have over £16k in savings. So they can def afford £400 for a school trip

If your savings are going to have to last the rest of your life you definitely can’t afford to spend 2.5% of them on a non essential like a school trip.

I had this with a friend. I got sick of it especially because I was a single woman dealing with everything myself, and she has a partner who should be helping her with stuff especially regarding their children etc. and yet she was overly reliant on me.

I remember once she asked for my help with an application form. I said sure, send it over. She delayed and by the time she sent it I was on holiday which she knew about.

I politely but firmly told her I wasn’t available to help her with it as I was on holiday. Some people will take take take unless you put your foot down.

Thanks for all the comments - she is a very honest, kind and generous lady. She has not lied to me. I assumed she and her husband were working full time as that’s all I know in my own experience. It was my assumption that.

I agree with the comments that with his autism and her mobility issues they are both doing well to stay in work. I’ve known for years that finances are tough and there are things they can’t afford, tried to helps I always assumed they claimed universal credit because most of the people I know on minimum wage do get a UC top up. That they don’t get any UC because of his savings (everything is in his name - mortgage, bills) makes me cross that she has no access to these finances - she has told me before that he is financially controlling. That’s why I’ve tried to fill in the gaps. If he has £16k in savings then their daughter should be allowed to go on the school trip - she desperately wants to and this is how this all came out . I said the school possibly has funds so they don’t have to meet the full cost and they should apply as in receipt of UC

Thank you so much , yes I have sign posted her to professional support groups for her daughters issues but have been told she can’t make those times, I do need to step back

It's worth bearing in mind that perhaps one of the reasons she's not ever told you before that she works 20 hours a week is a feeling of shame and fearing the judgment that is rife on this thread.

If he’s financially abusive You’re probably best investing any energy you give them into supporting her to stand up to her husband if possible.

I know that isn’t always easy though but it’ll benefit her in the long term. And she’ll be empowered to be more self sufficient.

Thank you, you are right about this I’m sure and I’m wrong to judge her - she’s doing the best I can and my gut reactions are just that - not considered or educated reactions

Each working 20 works a week on minimum wage equals over £2000 per month. If they are in a low cost of living part of the UK (rent in some areas for a family house is £500/month) and are frugal, it is doable. They would also qualify for child benefit.

He's British and his child is British. You might want to remove foreigners who are too poor to be here, but we haven't yet moved on to removing British people for being too poor. They don't claim benefits. She was offering to help because she was being a busy body.

But if they go down they can then claim uc ….
School trips I think are important