To think MIL shouldn't have said this

[rainbowsbutterfliescompromise]

13 year old daughter just showed MIL a new dress she bought for a family wedding (strappy floral New Look thing).

MIL said she liked it but then said "you need to make sure you don't wear clothes like that when walking outside as men might harass you or worse".

Aside from the fact that she isn't likely to be walking around in public in said dress, I'm really not happy with MIL implying my daughter is responsible for men's behaviour. I can still remember having this said to me as a teen and how uncomfortable it made me feel. I also remember being catcalled by men on the street - never in party clothes but more than often than not in my frumpy school uniform or a tracksuit.

I asked my husband to have a word, but he said there was no point and 'that's just the way her generation think'. AIBU to think that's a massive cop out?

What she said was true though.

Thing is, your MIL DOES have a point…albeit one that misses out the nuances. I’d have just said there and then to DD such nuances.

Why didn’t you say something? Why’s it got to be your husband?

MIL shouldn’t have said that. Your H obviously doesn’t want to address it. So you can have a reparative chat with your DD so she understands the context in a child-friendly way, and knows she’s allowed to internally roll her eyes at some of the things her grandma says, and smile and nod without taking it on.

I think you need to explain to DD that MIL has a particular viewpoint and that your viewpoint is XXXXX and that the way DD dresses doesn't control men's actions. IDK that talking to MIL is going to get you anywhere, some people really still believe this victim-blaming nonsense in 2025.

She’s trying to protect your daughter. I’d just say to your dd, some men can be creeps and it’s never your fault if they behave inappropriately.

I don't agree with policing women's clothes because men can't control themselves. Women and girls should be able to wear what they want without having to factor in the reactions of inadequate men.

Victim (or potential victim) blaming never sits well with me, but some women seem happy to perpetuate it.

@thepariscrimefiles yes I see what you are saying but I am off the "be sensible" brigade. It's like choosing to holiday in Pakistan as opposed to Spain. You up the risks to yourself by certain behaviours.

Yes - SHOULD but this isn't fantasy la la land .

you don't need to ask your DH to have a word. It is not the law that only your DH / Partner may speak to their family when they say shit stuff.

Tell her yourself that is victim blaming. And tell your DD to carry on

In an ideal world, I would agree. However, men DO react to clothing. It’s an unfortunate reality. If a man is catcalling (or worse), it’s not like retorting “excuse me, women shouldn’t have their attire policed so you are wrong” is going to make them stop or see the light.

I could of course have a word myself, but i thought it would be better coning from my husband since i want MIL to know we are on the same page with this and also show her that not all men believe the 'asking for it' line

the issue isn't what men do though. It is about someone saying a shit thing. 2 separate issues: policing women's clothing and the behaviour of men.

yes but he isn't. So it's on you.

The comments agreeing with MIL are ridiculous. She isn't right at all. Like OP, I dressed in tracksuits as a teen and still got harassed.
If a man is a perv or a pedophile, they are a perv or a pedophile, they aren't turned this way from the way girls dress.
A decent man wouldn't harass any child or young woman. A sexual predator will harass and abuse them regardless off how they are dressed.

I think your H should address it with your MIL, but meantime, please ensure that your Dd understands that she is NEVER going to be responsible for any man’s poor behaviour; while also guiding her to be aware of her surroundings.

If you are in the female empowerment camp, why don’t you have a word rather than asking your husband to do it?

Explained above why i want DH to address it. It's his mother. I would do it if it was one of my parents. Thankfully I've never had to though because they'd never say something like this to my child or assume it's appropriate to do so.

https://dovecenter.org/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit/

Ask him to send her this.

This is very similar to another thread that’s still going. I think everyone should dress how they want but also be aware of context, environment and reaction. Children definitely need guidance and adult oversight.

This. It may be time to have “the talk” with your dd about being situationally aware in public snd private spaces. My dd did the same commute to (what we call highschool) that I dis starting at 12. Bus, tube, walk into city. I let her know that at some point she would be confronted by male admiration or aggression and that she needed to be prepared to go from the invisibility of childhood to the visibility of being perceived as a female. As a result She was more empowered than scared by her first confrontation on the tube and emerged victorious and feeling strong.

I'd speak to my daughter and tell her why her grandma said this. Then tell her why she's wrong.

Trouble is, the key word there is 'should'...

I wouldn't compromise my daughter's safety for the sake of a political point.

It's possible what you say is true but extremely naive.

We have racism, homophobia, poverty and discrimination throughout the world when we shouldn't. Yet they still exist and we have to deal with them.

Our DDs need to be safe in the real world, they don't exist in a politically correct utopia.

Yeah we can’t pretend that it doesn’t attract unwanted attention though. What isn’t right is suggesting it’s their fault. You seem to have conflated the two points.