To think MIL shouldn't have said this

[rainbowsbutterfliescompromise]

13 year old daughter just showed MIL a new dress she bought for a family wedding (strappy floral New Look thing).

MIL said she liked it but then said "you need to make sure you don't wear clothes like that when walking outside as men might harass you or worse".

Aside from the fact that she isn't likely to be walking around in public in said dress, I'm really not happy with MIL implying my daughter is responsible for men's behaviour. I can still remember having this said to me as a teen and how uncomfortable it made me feel. I also remember being catcalled by men on the street - never in party clothes but more than often than not in my frumpy school uniform or a tracksuit.

I asked my husband to have a word, but he said there was no point and 'that's just the way her generation think'. AIBU to think that's a massive cop out?

Some of you are telling on yourselves while trying to appear realistic and reasonable

In some areas of life, yes, that applies.

If Daryl Hannah was seen on the Red Carpet at Cannes Film Festival, say, with ripped jeans, greasy hair and a t-shirt, she could kiss good bye for another film part for some time.

If she dressed like that at home it wouldn't be an issue.

What's "right" or "wrong" in clothes often depends on the situation not the clothes.

That's why we have dress codes for some events.

I don't know why that makes you feel sick?

Being turned away from an event or missing a promotion is a world away from being sexually assaulted though

It's like one of those magazine articles 'how to dress for the job you want' - fine. If it was 'how to dress to not get raped' - totally different and not fine.

You seem very defensive on this now. Do you agree that some men may catcall at a young girl in a revealing dress ( I'm sure her dress isn't that revealing anyway , is it?) and it is worth having that chat with her ? No one is saying she shouldn't wear it but many are saying it may come with some unwanted attention.

I can't see any dress...

Which is what you said

Do we know for a fact that woman wearing skimpy clothes are more likely to be attacked. Maybe more likely to be leered at

Aside from the fact that she isn't likely to be walking around in public in said dress,

Would you be happy for her to walk around in public wearing the dress, @rainbowsbutterfliescompromise ?

How old is mil? She didn't really saying anything wrong, she is trying to protect her gd. Of course a 13 year old should be able to dress as she likes. There are women who do dress for the male gaze You can't tell me white scrunch bum leggings or shorts cut to expose half your bum cheeks is for anything other than attention. A 13 year old should dress as she likes but with that sadly there comes the fact that unpleasant men may look at her etc. As a child in school uniform, I was never bothered.
As an adult throughout my 20s I was regularly stared at, called after, cars beeping their horns etc but I could handle it. I don't understood why any men would need to be looking at Children.. Nasty.

Your daughters dress is entirely appropriate for a 13 year old at a summer family wedding. I hope you all have a great time and that she enjoys her day.

The thread has taken a turn away from your original question 0p and nothing new is being said now.

I hate to say it too but it is true, but I too felt like you op, I didnt want my girls taking this on as their responsibility for men's bad behaviour so honestly that's the exact conversation I had with them. We have to tell them the hard truths and to some extent the rest is down to them as they start to get older. No its not our fault men are pervs but yes certain outfits choices do make men think its OK to be inappropriate. But its not ok. Its not OK and never will be OK. This is purely on them not us.

I've seen schoolgirls of all ages on buses who's skirts are so short when they sit down you can see their knickers.
I've also see teenage girls on buses in "casual" wear (in the daytime) wearing crop tops, no bra and beige leggings that are tight enough to show the shape of their pudenda.

You can call me old-fashioned but I think it's unnecessary and inappropriate.

There is a moment when a little girl comes out of cutsie children’s clothes and into teen clothes. This can be a shock for relatives who are used to seeing the little girl and protective instincts kick in. These thoughts should be kept in their heads but we all know that doesn’t happen nearly often enough!
this is a conversation for you and your dd along the lines of ‘I think granny was a bit surprised to see you looking so grown up ‘ to help her realise that it is actually about your MILs feelings rather than her dress.

on the unwanted attention front I think we could all do with remembering that while we feel frumpy in school uniform it is still a porn genre and therefore attracts attention even when girls are not rolling up their skirts.

The behaviour of revolting men is never a girl’s fault but they are a reality to be dealt with.

@Butchyrestingface yes I'd be happy for her to walk around in public in that dress but might prefer she is with other people, at least until she is a bit older and able to handle herself more confidently.

Do tell me more about this dubious impression that women are giving of themselves. I'm absolutely fascinated to hear it

If you don't know then you must not have much common sense 🤷‍♀️

Yes they should be. And I agree with you. Except when it comes to my own daughter, who I will do anything to protect, including saying a version of what OP’s MIL said, and also encouraging her to ask a safe man to walk her around at night etc.

when it comes to my actual daughter, all my ‘women should be able to do what they want’ chutzpah will go out of the window, because more than I want her to stick it to the patriarchy, I want her to be safe. Thats reality.