Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I in the wrong?

121 replies

Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:02

This is a long story so I apologise. Currently my ex has the kids on a Sunday and Monday as I work. I have told him it would be better for everybody to do every other weekend as he will get to spend 2 full days with them instead of putting them into breakfast/after school club. It takes me so long to get all their stuff ready for the Monday and it is just a pain, I don’t need him to have them on those days. He says he can’t do every other weekend as he goes out etc, I told him this is how it is and he walked away and kicked my car door. He then said he is going to take my car (granted he did pay for it when we were together but it was part of our household bills as I paid nursery fees etc) it makes no sense for him to take the car as I use it to take the kids to school etc, I am so tired of him trying to control me, I have literally bent over backwards to try and support him seeing the kids and he could have them as much as he likes. I
am taking them away tomorrow for a week and I asked him if he would like to have them on the Saturday as he won’t see them, he said no he is busy. It’s like they are a chore to him and it breaks my heart.

OP posts:
Hoardasurass · 01/06/2025 10:07

If the car is registered to you he can't take it away.
You shouldn't be getting anything ready for the kids to go to his he should have everything they need already including uniform.
It also might be worth logging his kicking your car with the police

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:07

Hoardasurass · 01/06/2025 10:07

If the car is registered to you he can't take it away.
You shouldn't be getting anything ready for the kids to go to his he should have everything they need already including uniform.
It also might be worth logging his kicking your car with the police

I have it on cctv

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 01/06/2025 10:08

Presumably you have accepted he was a shit husband as you divorced him.
So now you have to accept he is a shit father too.
You won't change him, stop trying to accomodate him and make him better than he is, you won't succeed.
And the kids will recognise him for what he is eventually.. they always do.
Step back, he is not your responsibility. x

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:10

He wouldnt

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:10

Go away, demanding I gave him the keys, all because I asked him to do every other weekend.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 01/06/2025 10:11

Were you married and have you formally divorced? If so the car would be dealt with in the financial settlement

Even if you aren't married you can apply to court for residence and contact arrangements for the children to formalise matters but he still may not stick to them.

Coconutter24 · 01/06/2025 10:11

Does he currently have them Sunday and Monday every week? And you want to change it to the 2 days at the weekend every other weekend?

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:15

Spirallingdownwards · 01/06/2025 10:11

Were you married and have you formally divorced? If so the car would be dealt with in the financial settlement

Even if you aren't married you can apply to court for residence and contact arrangements for the children to formalise matters but he still may not stick to them.

We wasn’t married. Kind of glad I didn’t have to go through the divorce process as he is really difficult to reason with.

OP posts:
RhaenysRocks · 01/06/2025 10:17

First off, is the car in your name? If so, if he took it it would be theft. Tell him that.
Second, don't use him as childcare so you can work. Have separate arrangements in place so his contact time is just that..the second you are relying on him he has power over you.
Third, CMS. You don't mention it but if he is not currently paying maintenance, he needs to and CMS is the way to go. It depersonalises it and takes any emotion away, it's still simply complying with law.
Fourth, you can't actually dictate the contact times, he is allowed to refuse to have them. Make them available EOW and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he turns up Sunday for them but has not put in place uniform, lunches it's up to you how to handle that and it's easier said than done but I'd be saying he cant have the uniform you pay for, wash, pack etc.
He is a bully and you'll have a decade of this if you don't step up now.

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:17

I just can’t believe his reaction, kicking my car door and threatening to take the car just so I will roll over and say ok let’s stick to how it is because it benefits him. I am so tired of him calling all of the shots. He did this when we were together, went out when he liked, pleased himself really. Very selfish

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:19

RhaenysRocks · 01/06/2025 10:17

First off, is the car in your name? If so, if he took it it would be theft. Tell him that.
Second, don't use him as childcare so you can work. Have separate arrangements in place so his contact time is just that..the second you are relying on him he has power over you.
Third, CMS. You don't mention it but if he is not currently paying maintenance, he needs to and CMS is the way to go. It depersonalises it and takes any emotion away, it's still simply complying with law.
Fourth, you can't actually dictate the contact times, he is allowed to refuse to have them. Make them available EOW and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he turns up Sunday for them but has not put in place uniform, lunches it's up to you how to handle that and it's easier said than done but I'd be saying he cant have the uniform you pay for, wash, pack etc.
He is a bully and you'll have a decade of this if you don't step up now.

He was supposed to pay his first CMS payment today but hasn’t, probably won’t pay it now because of what happened this morning, do I just contact them tomorrow?

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:20

RhaenysRocks · 01/06/2025 10:17

First off, is the car in your name? If so, if he took it it would be theft. Tell him that.
Second, don't use him as childcare so you can work. Have separate arrangements in place so his contact time is just that..the second you are relying on him he has power over you.
Third, CMS. You don't mention it but if he is not currently paying maintenance, he needs to and CMS is the way to go. It depersonalises it and takes any emotion away, it's still simply complying with law.
Fourth, you can't actually dictate the contact times, he is allowed to refuse to have them. Make them available EOW and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he turns up Sunday for them but has not put in place uniform, lunches it's up to you how to handle that and it's easier said than done but I'd be saying he cant have the uniform you pay for, wash, pack etc.
He is a bully and you'll have a decade of this if you don't step up now.

The Car is in my name, I don’t need him to have the kids when I work. I can take them to school without the need for wrap around care which they hate. Homework is never done etc it’s just hard work.

OP posts:
4forksache · 01/06/2025 10:24

You say he can have them as much as he wants. He’s obviously going just that and doesn’t want to “use up” his whole weekend.
If it doesn’t benefit you to have them on the Mondays, then it’s up to you to suck it up for the kids sake, or stop it completely. If the kids want to see him then I’d go with it, but there is no reason he can’t provide a set of uniform each, send them to school on the Monday then change them after school and wash it ready for the next week. I would refuse to be responsible for that.

Shit dads are shit dads.

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:27

4forksache · 01/06/2025 10:24

You say he can have them as much as he wants. He’s obviously going just that and doesn’t want to “use up” his whole weekend.
If it doesn’t benefit you to have them on the Mondays, then it’s up to you to suck it up for the kids sake, or stop it completely. If the kids want to see him then I’d go with it, but there is no reason he can’t provide a set of uniform each, send them to school on the Monday then change them after school and wash it ready for the next week. I would refuse to be responsible for that.

Shit dads are shit dads.

The kids don’t want to go. If I don’t send the uniform how will they look going to school? That will look bad on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:28

4forksache · 01/06/2025 10:24

You say he can have them as much as he wants. He’s obviously going just that and doesn’t want to “use up” his whole weekend.
If it doesn’t benefit you to have them on the Mondays, then it’s up to you to suck it up for the kids sake, or stop it completely. If the kids want to see him then I’d go with it, but there is no reason he can’t provide a set of uniform each, send them to school on the Monday then change them after school and wash it ready for the next week. I would refuse to be responsible for that.

Shit dads are shit dads.

How can I stop it completely? I don’t have the power to do that do I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 10:29

What do I do about CMS?

OP posts:
4forksache · 01/06/2025 10:31

Let the school know he is responsible for them on Mondays. They’ll see it for how it is.

If they don’t want to go then don’t send them, stick to offering eow and if he doesn’t like it he can go to court. I’m sure the court won’t order a Monday if wrap around care is involved that they don’t like or need.

i hope it’s not you paying for the wrap around care you don’t need?

RhaenysRocks · 01/06/2025 10:39

Send him an email or text explaining clearly that he has x days to pay the full amount of cms or you will ask them to move to collect and pay. This incurs a small charge but it's worth it. Is he self employed or on a wage / salary? If he fails to pay or mucks about with the amount, follow through and do it.

As for contact, I'd offer a standard EOW plus one or two teatimes a week. If he chooses to refuse that's up to him, especially as they don't want to go. Remember contact is for their benefit not his. How old are they? If approaching 12, we're it to go to court, which it likely won't, their wishes will be listened to. Keep a careful record of what is offered and what he does or doesn't show up for.

Re uniform ..if you do decide to continue with the Sunday/ Monday, make it clear it is his responsibility to provide these things and inform the school. If they are willing, I'd ask to leave a bag of spares at school that they can change into if he turns up with them in non uniform. Ditto lunch. It's always difficult because you're right about it affecting them but my experience of dads like this is that if they are actually required to really parent, they stop bothering.

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 13:31

It’s absolutely tragic

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 14:52

How many days late does he need to be for CMS

OP posts:
Callie247 · 01/06/2025 14:58

Coconutter24 · 01/06/2025 10:11

Does he currently have them Sunday and Monday every week? And you want to change it to the 2 days at the weekend every other weekend?

That’s how it reads to me? So he has them less?

Original poster
Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 15:10

Callie247 · 01/06/2025 14:58

That’s how it reads to me? So he has them less?

Show quote history

Well if he wants to see them in the week that he misses a week that is absolutely fine, it just needs to be every other weekend. He can have them any time he likes

OP posts:
RhaenysRocks · 01/06/2025 15:11

There's no "need" to give him leeway..the bank doesn't for your mortgage, Tesco's doesn't for your shopping. It's a bill, you set up a DD and it gets paid. My ex is a twat but I can't quibble with him on that score. I mean it's courteous to give him a couple of days for the first one to get it set up but you can ask for collect and pay when you like.

Greenbeanzz · 01/06/2025 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RhaenysRocks · 01/06/2025 15:57

You need to try and step back from the emotional response. By all means rant to your friends but you need to approach this cooly, calmly and knowing what you can and can't do. He's a hostile person now. You won't be co-parenting. He'll be occasionally taking them out for Macdonald's while you bring them up so please don't keep setting yourself up for disappointment. He has no choice about what or when he gives you money. CMS payments are x amount per week / month and that's it. End of discussion. If he is having them on school days he is responsible for their clothes, lunches, world book day costume whatever on those days. The maintenance is reduced to account for that. If he ends up not having them when he's meant to you can inform CMS and the following year the amount will be recalculated. It's not up to him or you. It's not about giving you money, it is supporting his children with everyday necessities, not spending £££ on a "Disney dad" weekend.