Was I in the wrong?

[Greenbeanzz]

This is a long story so I apologise. Currently my ex has the kids on a Sunday and Monday as I work. I have told him it would be better for everybody to do every other weekend as he will get to spend 2 full days with them instead of putting them into breakfast/after school club. It takes me so long to get all their stuff ready for the Monday and it is just a pain, I don’t need him to have them on those days. He says he can’t do every other weekend as he goes out etc, I told him this is how it is and he walked away and kicked my car door. He then said he is going to take my car (granted he did pay for it when we were together but it was part of our household bills as I paid nursery fees etc) it makes no sense for him to take the car as I use it to take the kids to school etc, I am so tired of him trying to control me, I have literally bent over backwards to try and support him seeing the kids and he could have them as much as he likes. I
am taking them away tomorrow for a week and I asked him if he would like to have them on the Saturday as he won’t see them, he said no he is busy. It’s like they are a chore to him and it breaks my heart.

You don’t need to do what he says OP. He can’t just unilaterally decide that he’s going to have them on X and Y day, and fuck what you think. The contact arrangements until now don’t suit any more. So they need to be changed.

I can feel your pain and frustration through your posts. Don’t let him defeat you.

How long have these arrangements been in place for?

CMS consider a payment late after 5 days. If he messes you about for 3 months, start asking them about a deduction of earnings order. When they eventually stop giving him chances, a DEO is around 3 months from descision being made to first payment reaching you.

You should have informed the police about him kicking the car door, because it's escalating already. You need to start logging this behaviour, every incident, to evidence the pattern. I strongly advise you call them today & tell them what's happened so far. If you don't, & the kids make a disclosure at school, you'll be explaining to social care why you didn't report things to the police at the time. You'll also need evidence of this behaviour if you finish up in court but in my experience, men like this aren't interested in seeing the children, it's just an opportunity to control & abuse the other parent. When they get the message that there's no opportunity to abuse anymore, they go scuttling off into hiding to avoid maintenance payments.

Wait; he has them a full weekend every second week? So it’s only every second week he then has them Sunday to Monday?

Is the pattern;
Week 1: Saturday to Monday
Week 2: Sunday to Monday
Week 3: Saturday to Monday
Week 4: Sunday to Monday?

What is the actual pattern here?

Just to clarify as it's difficult to understand, it sounds like you would like him to have them Saturday and Sunday every other weekend, so that you get a weekend off (which seems perfectly reasonable)? Plus whatever other time he wants? But he's not willing to have them on a Saturday night? Can you keep the current arrangement, but he takes them every 2nd/3rd/4th Saturday (whatever you can get him to agree to) as well as the usual arrangement?

I have even asked him to do one Friday a month and he said no. He will not budge at all.

If he doesn't want to see his kids, is there anyone else who is willing and able to care for them sometimes? Your parents? His parents? They may appreciate being able to spend some time with them.

Why do you keep saying it's just putting uniform in a bag? It's absolutely not just that is it? You're being obtuse. The OP, like many RPs does basically all the pareo. CMS does not offset that at all. Someone said the maintenance covers trips..no it doesn't. Maintenance is a contribution towards essentials . "Extras" like trips have to negotiated separately but as there is no legal way to enforce, reality is that the RP covers it. He absolutely should be hovering whatever falls on his days and that includes trips, lunch, wraparound etc.
I do agree that this is best sorted in court and the op might do better to go that route and expedite it, putting up with the status quo until then, simply to avoid the children being witness to hostility.

Seems to me that a CAO from Court and a Co-parenting App is the only way to go. One or both of you may not like the result but at least it will be documented.

I would just detach from this-he is pulling your strings

Send uniform, send homework or just get it done Sat morning.

He pays for school lunch on Mondays -get school to bill him
Trips are in addition to other expenses
Halves on these.
He pays wraparound on Mondays
Let him fail

The more you insist on weekends the more he will kick off
Inform Police he kicked your car, keep cctv
Use an app to document and for all contact
Who is the cars registered keeper?

I will just send the kids with him to save the argument, I will just have to go to court as it is becoming ridiculous. I am actually really anxious about seeing him tomorrow, he is nothing but a bully

The thing is, I am not stopping him from seeing the kids. It breaks my heart that he won’t have them more as it doesn’t suit his life.

Why are you talking to me like I don’t understand the work that goes into solo parenting? I’ve been a single parent for 11.5 years.

But the OP can’t just demand to change the schedule and then totally deny access when he says no… not if she wants to look good when this goes to court.

This isn’t about doing what you want; it’s about doing what looks best in front of a judge. Even when you hate it. The OP needs to do the homework with the kids anyway, that won’t change. It literally is just packing their school stuff.

And CMS does “cover everything.” Thats the legal stand point. You saying extra should be negotiated separately is great… how do we do that? We can’t. There is no mechanism for that. She literally cannot make him pay it. It’s CMS and that’s it.

You can give advice on what you think is right and should happen. I’ll give advice based on what the OP can legally get and the best way to behave when preparing to take her ex to court:

Log the car door with the police

Keep the spare key away from him or if he already has it, either disconnect the battery or report the car stolen if he takes it

You say he has all the control: this is you putting a firm boundary in.

I would say to him that if he won’t have them EOW then everything regarding getting them to school etc on the Monday will be solely down to him going forward and let the school know that you have told him this. If you don’t enable it, he’ll have to step up and parent.
Oh and DO NOT give him your car keys!

@Greenbeanzz i worked for the child support agency (CSA) as it was known then many years ago and to work out the ‘shared care’ as it’s called they have to take into account written evidence if accounts differ. This would be from witnesses who know you have the kids as much as you say you do and are prepared to scribble something down to that effect could include neighbours, teachers etc also.

The thing is, the kids will obviously want to see him and I would never ever take that away. He honestly doesn’t deserve them, they deserve somebody who is willing to sacrifice their time to be with them. Hopefully they realise when they are older.

@Blackdow you're right .. there absolutely is a difference between what should be happening and what can legally be enforced. I would just say though that she is not totally denying access..she had them ready on Friday. He didn't show up. The current arrangement wasn't "agreed", it was dictated by him and actually the OP would stick to it if he actually did the parenting associated with a school day but he doesn't. She's trying to give him more time with the kids by EOW plus as many teatimes as he wants rather than two nights and no school free day time once a week. He's pushing back because he wants all his weekends free. But, as you say, you can't force someone to parent.

Also, what is he going to tell the kids when he takes my car and I can no longer take them to school.

Why are you going to let him take the car?

Its in your name. You have the keys. If someone else tried to take your car you would phone the police. Same applies here. If your car broke or was stolen by someone else you'd still need to take the children to school.

If you let him take it, I guess he will tell them it's his

I just don’t want any arguments infront of the kids. I honestly cannot believe I once loved this man and now he makes
me feel physically sick

Why do you keep asking that? You are just wishing he was a different person. He is a shit Dad and he doesn't give a shit about this kids.

I just cannot understand this mentality at all! If somebody offered me more time to spend with the kids I would jump at it. It doesn’t make any sense to me, it’s like it is a chore for him and he doesn’t deserve to have them.

A lot of NRP dads get like this, even when they were ok pre-split. Mine was really hands on, would take them out without me, totally fine, equal parent. Them he left for ow and within a couple of months it became very clear that his new normal was his life with her and her child and ours had to fit around that. Plans always made around that family's logistics and he never once prioritised them. They're teens now and they know it.

You don't argue with him you tell him he's not taking your car if he insists you walk into the house and phone the police, no argument needed just say no and call the police as its your car registered in your name not his

I do understand that you don't want to argue and that you loved him but right now, you have a couple of choices, you can either go along with whatever he wants or you can start putting some boundaries in place.

If you put some boundaries in place (like - I won't let people take my things or I won't let people in my house whenever they want) that will come with some push back.

If he tries to argue with you about it, just stay calm and don't get pulled into it, look at "grey rock".