Was I in the wrong?

[Greenbeanzz]

This is a long story so I apologise. Currently my ex has the kids on a Sunday and Monday as I work. I have told him it would be better for everybody to do every other weekend as he will get to spend 2 full days with them instead of putting them into breakfast/after school club. It takes me so long to get all their stuff ready for the Monday and it is just a pain, I don’t need him to have them on those days. He says he can’t do every other weekend as he goes out etc, I told him this is how it is and he walked away and kicked my car door. He then said he is going to take my car (granted he did pay for it when we were together but it was part of our household bills as I paid nursery fees etc) it makes no sense for him to take the car as I use it to take the kids to school etc, I am so tired of him trying to control me, I have literally bent over backwards to try and support him seeing the kids and he could have them as much as he likes. I
am taking them away tomorrow for a week and I asked him if he would like to have them on the Saturday as he won’t see them, he said no he is busy. It’s like they are a chore to him and it breaks my heart.

Won’t sort uniform? Surely in this case the op sends their uniform with the kids when they go and they put it on, why does that have to be a big deal.

Because it involves the op ensuring it's clean and available, packed, is there gym kit needed? What about a special dress up day costume? A homework project? The reading book, a £1 for whatever. Why does dad get to just have that all handed to him? His school day, he should deal with it. But he won't. So the OP is effectively functioning as his PA and he pays reduced maintenance for basically putting them to bed. And that's without factoring in the fact that they don't want to go, don't want to be in wrap around care which they don't have to if they are with mum and that he is doing absolutely nothing that is in their best interests, just his own.

Right I have told him that the kids would be ready for him to collect yesterday evening. He didn’t turn up and told me he wasn’t coming and he will be picking them up on Sunday with my car.

I honestly have no idea what to do as if he takes the car I can no longer take the kids to school etc. i
am sick of him being in control of everything

If you are the legal owner of the car and he takes it, you call the police and report it as stolen

Does he have spare keys to the car? If he doesn’t then hide the keys and if he kicks off call the police. If he does have keys, and as you say the car is in your name - if he takes it, also call the police and report it stolen.

Also, get in touch with the cms and enforce the collection of your maintenance payments.

He doesn’t get to dictate your life to you - he’s your ex, any say he had in what you do ended when you split up. Don’t allow him to control or intimidate you. What a shitty wank stain he is being.

What about the kids though? I have told him he can no longer have them on a Sunday as it is too difficult on school nights, if he comes kicking off I may end up just giving in as I don’t want to argue Infront of them. Luckily I don’t think they saw him kick the car last week.

This.

You may need to contact mediation to get contact arrangements in place.

I get why you'd want him to do weekends and you shouldn't have to provide uniform for his days. But in reality how difficult is it to put a set of uniform in a bag? it would need to be ready for them even if they are at home.

Given the sort of language you use, it’s really best you don’t argue in front of them at all. It would be awful for them to hear worlds like “retard.” It really is only a certain type of person who uses words like that, it’s a shame the kids are stuck around this sort of thing.

You seem to be deciding that it’s too difficult on a school night but it’s really not, and a court is happy to order for parents to split school nights as well as weekends so that argument wouldn’t work if this went to court.

There is no mechanism for you to force him to take the kids for the full weekend. You cannot make him. All you’re doing now is blocking his access on the previously agreed days, which looks really bad for you. You have to stop it, you have to go back to letting him have the kids Sunday and Monday and then you go to court to sort this out. You make your case there and the court may order every second weekend or every second Saturday to Monday or something. It will make it more fair as it will give you some weekend time off hopefully but you have to go to court to argue this out as there isn’t any way for you to make him do this.

Whatever you do, do no block access. And watch the language that you use when you text him, words that you used here will not look good in court.

Do not hand over your car keys. If he kicks off about it, or won’t leave without them or starts damaging anything, immediately call the police.

You just need to act like a grown up now.

Honestly, if he kicks off in front of the children, send them to their bedrooms and call the police to have him removed. Is he likely to become violent towards you? (And given he kicked your car, I wouldn’t put it past him.) If you are at all worried about him being violent, simply don’t open the front door. Send him a text saying “As I said previously, the children are staying at home with me tonight, I told you they were free to be picked up on Friday, which you declined, please leave now, and the children will be next available to be picked up on X date”. Then if he starts screaming/yelling/banging or kicking the front door, you guessed it - call the police and have him removed. If it comes to it, you may just need to tell him that if he wants access to his kids then he can go to court and apply for it. He won’t though. Men like him rarely do.

Stand up for yourself and what is best for your children. I say this kindly, don’t let your ex bully or intimidate you any longer.

So basically, it’s all
on his terms as usual

Why can’t he just be fair. Every other weekend is not a lot to ask but he said he is too busy. They don’t want to go to wrap around care and they are shattered when they come home. He is being really selfish and although I do not want to stop him seeing the kids as I could really do with the break, it isn’t fair that he gets to dictate everything.

Your co-parenting relationship isn’t working. You’re both behaving badly.

Go to mediation and then court. But blocking access simply because you say putting uniform in a bag is too difficult doesn’t look good for you.

It isn’t just that. I pay for dinner money on his days, pay for trips on his days, make sure homework is done early, you know this isn’t about just putting uniform in a bag. There is so much more to it than that

How were the original contact arrangements made? (Sorry if I’ve missed that). If it was simply that that’s what he said he wanted so that’s what he got, then you absolutely can change them. It’s not mandated.

It’s not working for the children any more. They don’t like the wraparound care, it’s not essential that they go to it, so they don’t have to go. Simple. How old are they OP?

Has he paid you the maintenance yet @Greenbeanzz?

They are 4 and 7. Yes he decided this from the beginning.

Yes he has

You’ll still have to do the homework and everything early if he has them Saturday and Sunday. A court can’t order him to do it and he won’t anyway. So that won’t change.

You can approach the school are separate billing for his days, see if they can help you with that. School trips will be yours to pay though, as that’s really what maintenance is for. Even if it falls on his day, as they are paid in advance and everything (it’s not fair, he should pay more but that’s what maintenance is for so he won’t).

You cannot block access because he won’t do what you want. It will look really bad on you. This is about playing the long game; look like the fair and reasonable one, don’t be belligerent and go to court to sort out access.

why doesn’t he want quality time with them for 2 full days. Instead of waking them up mega early for one day and just putting them to bed. It makes no sense.

Absolutely this

He is their parent also.
He should sort uniforms, lunches, bags
Of course he won't do it if he knows you will

Exactly, I don’t get to choose which day I am a parent. I am a parent everyday. He just literally forgets about them from Tuesday to Sunday, no input at all on anything they do.

Because he wants to see them every week rather than every fortnight.

I think his way gives him better contact as it's more regular. You just need to make the Mondays work better. Clothes in a bag for school. School bag packed. It really isn't hard.

The car is yours. Do NOT give him the keys. Tell him if he takes it or damages it you will report him to the Police.

No. He has them for a full weekend every fortnight and any other days he wants on the week he misses.

You cannot force him to parent. Believe me, I know. My ex walked out, did a bit of parenting for 6 months and then said that “parenting wasn’t for him and he’d rather not.” We didn’t see him again for 4 and a half years. When he came back, I had to work with him to build a relationship with the kids and allow him time and everything. I didn’t want, I wanted to throttle him and slam the door shut but the kids had a right to a relationship with him and because he grew up and decided to have contact, I had to allow it. At least then, it was slowly and on my terms rather than how it had been before which was all on his say so or he wouldn’t take them.

The thing is, you could be as bad as him. You could block contact unless it’s on the days you want, you could refuse to send uniform and sort lunch, there is nothing stopping you from behaving like that, but it’s the kids who suffer. And that’s what it comes down do; we’re not willing to let the kids suffer so we take care of it all. They are willing to let the kids suffer so they won’t do a thing.

You don’t want them to suffer, you don’t want to put them in the middle. Unfortunately, you have to keep doing the work (but stop sorting lunches and communicate with the school about why), but document everything by sending him a text each week, without any emotion, just asking if he has sorted out their uniform and paid for their Monday lunch and after school club. When he said no, don’t comment on it. Just keep the messages for proof. Have it all documented, go and see a solicitor and start using the legal route to get a fair split.