Was I in the wrong?

[Greenbeanzz]

This is a long story so I apologise. Currently my ex has the kids on a Sunday and Monday as I work. I have told him it would be better for everybody to do every other weekend as he will get to spend 2 full days with them instead of putting them into breakfast/after school club. It takes me so long to get all their stuff ready for the Monday and it is just a pain, I don’t need him to have them on those days. He says he can’t do every other weekend as he goes out etc, I told him this is how it is and he walked away and kicked my car door. He then said he is going to take my car (granted he did pay for it when we were together but it was part of our household bills as I paid nursery fees etc) it makes no sense for him to take the car as I use it to take the kids to school etc, I am so tired of him trying to control me, I have literally bent over backwards to try and support him seeing the kids and he could have them as much as he likes. I
am taking them away tomorrow for a week and I asked him if he would like to have them on the Saturday as he won’t see them, he said no he is busy. It’s like they are a chore to him and it breaks my heart.

He can’t take your car. Don’t give him the keys. If he tries to get in your home to take the keys, call the police.

Why are you ignoring everyone telling you this?

Im am not going to give him the keys and if he starts to shout at me etc and cause a fuss then the kids can stay with me.

Get a family member to come round so you are not alone and they can do the handover.
You don't need to see him
As before log kicking incident with the police and write a statement.

Park the car away from your house " it's being fixed"

Going forward you need to stay calm, stop questioning and wondering why he's a shit dad.
He just is, it's not going to change so stop wondering why and trying to change him

On his days he is the parent so as long as its not abusive he can put them in wraparound
Stop trying to control this
A judge won't look kindly on it.

Going forward go to court, also no FtF handovers, 3rd party only , contact arrangements via a parenting app
Then he can't wind you up

BTW the escalation he's doing is something called Reactive abuse
He's trying to get you to react unwisely/ kick off
It's a trap
Don't fall for it

Detach

Please don't do this
You are handing him ammunition
Someone else hands over
Stop reacting by with holding your kids
It will look bad and escalate the situation
It doesn't look good, he's trying to make you look uncooperative

No. Do not ever use the kids as part of the bargaining. You know his plan, so pre-empt it. Send a calm message that collection is X time tomorrow and the children will be ready to go, but you will be keeping your car as it is in your name and belongs to you. Have that in writing, and then you’ll have his reply in writing.

If he kicks off, shut the door and call the police; when they arrive, they can deal with him and facilitate the handover if he isn’t arrested. If he is then you keep the kids with you or they may recommend that you keep the kids with you. But have whatever you can in writing or with police witness if he is violent and don’t ever say, “if you do this, you don’t get the kids.”

I know it’s unfair, and having him kick off but still having to hand your kids over is ridiculous, but he is trying to make you look like the problem. Don’t let him.

It’s just in case he uses it against you, but if you can say “I had to call the police” then he can’t use it against you.

I’m just so sick of it all, I wish it was easier and I literally hate him

Unfortunately you can’t unilaterally change the contact days.

But how much homework does a 7 year old have? If you’re not able to do it with them and their dad refuses then if the school complain tell them their dad had them on Sunday and didn’t do it with them.

What would happen if you refused to sort lunch for them, presumably the 4 year old gets school lunches anyway, are you sending a packed lunch for the 7 year old? If so tell him you will no longer be doing so and he’ll have to pay for a school lunch or pack one himself. Presumably he pays for breakfast and after school clubs for them.

Also don’t let him take the car, I don’t really understand why you’re so worried about this. Does he have a spare key to it?

He just took the kids this morning. Didn’t even mention the car so it was obviously just a threat. He also told me to stop harassing his family (which I haven’t I just called them to try and make them see what he is like) pissing in the wind though as I suppose they will always back him.

Glad the car was a non-issue.

I would have to agree with him that there is no need for you to contact his family.

Make the most of your free Sunday now. I hope you have plans to do something/see friends.

It’s just so annoying that they can’t talk some sense into him. They moved abroad though and not really interested in the kids anyway so they will probably never see my point of view. Honestly the most bizarre family ever, apparently his dad has blocked me now, I literally haven’t spoken to them in a year, I was just so angry and upset when he kicked my car door last week.

I might go on a date, I think it will do me good. (That is if I can find somebody of course)

I just want everybody to get on. I can’t understand why his family just accept that the way he acts is normal. However ex was brought up by his grandma as his mum couldn’t do it so maybe they all that mentality. Cannot believe I was stupid enough to have children with this man.

Glad everything went okay and he didn’t try anything stupid with the car, I hope that’s a weight off your mind.

Don’t contact his family.

I have blocked them all so I am not tempted. Im
not proud of it but I was angry. I can’t take it back and they have no Input in mine or my children’s lives so it doesn’t really matter.

No, don’t do this. You are not at all in the right state of mind for it.

You don’t get what you want from him, he won’t see things you way so you start calling round his family who live abroad. That is… bordering on unhinged. You are harassing his family and that must stop. Delete their numbers. You don’t need them. If you have them blocked then you’ll just unblock them and don’t again. Delete the numbers.

You really need to accept that he isn’t your partner anymore and he isn’t willing to be a team. He is now separate from you, you can’t make him do anything and you’re going to drive yourself mad trying. All you can do is control your own behaviour, which means grey rock everything from him, communicate only about the children without emotion, and keep a record of everything in writing and get yourself some legal representation to help you fight for a fair split.

But you really really need to stop going in at him and don’t go near his family, you’re making yourself look unsafe. It isn’t a good look.

You absolutely cannot start dating while you are behaving like this. It sounds like a recipe for disaster and you’ll just end up dependent on someone else. You need to get used to being yourself, and being stable. No more outbursts or drama. When you can be stable and calm within yourself, you might be ready to start dating but pulling someone into your life right now is unfair on him, unfair on the kids and unfair on you. You’re not fit right now.

I don’t think this is odd behaviour. I really don’t want him or anything to do with him, I was really angry about how he behaved last week. I am the one who just wants an easy life and everything to be fine, he is the one making everything difficult. I was wrong to message his family but I have let him get on doing his own thing and having his own way for such a long time, one outburst in the circumstances is quite understandable. I will not message them again and will not feel the need to do so. I have gone a year without talking to them.

How is that word ever lighthearted?

I had had a few wines so it wasn’t normal
behaviour for me. I had just had enough of it all.

I have already apologised for this.

Ok deep breaths

Fresh start

He is a complete arse, always was, always will be
Let him
Stop trying to get everyone to see how he is, stop trying to control this
Just let him be an arse
Stop reacting to everything he does
Just step out of his stupid game

The game is his way of still controlling you,
He does xyz and you react
Let it go or you will be manipulated by him into doing something awful that will impact you and your DC
He's doing this so he can " win" and tell everyone how bad you are
Deny him that and live a calm stable life

Control your behaviour and yours alone
Counselling and The Freedom programme are really helpful

You had a few wines so you call around his family. You’re upset so you come online and use a very offensive derogatory word to describe your ex.

You might thing you’re totally normal and ready to day. You’re not. Those two things are not “little.” They’re totally out of line so you need to sort yourself out first. Now is not the time to think finding a new man will fix it all.

Your ex is a dickhead. And quite a shitty dad by the sounds of it, who would rather go out with his mates than commit to a weekend with his kids. But, you cannot force him to parent and you cannot control him. Unfortunately, you’ve been left hold the kids. That’s how it usually happens, and it sucks and it isn’t fair and we want to scream, but there isn’t anything you can do but get a court order in place so at least he can’t fuck around with it.

Just remember, even with a court order, he could own day just refuse to bother having them and you won’t be able to force him. You just have to be the parent for these kids because there other parent is shit. I know it’s unfair, I’ve been through it. It makes you want to rage but it’s just the hand you’ve been dealt and you have to get on with it.