Aibu to feel like an embarrassment to DH and my family?

[Amelia1909]

So my father who golfs with my DH tells him he’s concerned - apparently I look haggard. Nice choice of words. He wants to know if DH is missing something. Apparently im
so fat I must be drinking alcohol
to excess?? I’m bloated and fat according to my dad.

just absorbing this when DH is sitting outside with me this evening enjoying the late sun. I say why are you staring at me - he says ‘your eyebrows are blonde again do you need to do them’.

so I’m 52. Fair skinned and blonde. I feel
like utter shit. Everyone is judging me, my appearance, how I’m aging. Please tell
me I’m being unreasonable and others feel
like this?! This is not a vanity post. I think I look ok but evidently not. Do I need to man up and accept I look like crap or is this horrible?! Be gentle please. We have two teenage daughters age 17 and 18.

Drop the rope & start looking out for you.
Tell your parents you’ve taken on board their comments & will be taking some time for yourself as you agree you take on too much “so please don’t ask me to do/help with xyz anymore as I will have to refuse” Do not backdown & be much less available for them.

Tell your husband the same but add on “which of these weekends would be best for you to have sole care of the kids as I’m booking a spa weekend for me to relax & reset” and do it!
As others have said, some therapy for yourself.
Replace at least a couple of those wine glasses with a posh sparkling water (or your choice of non alcoholic beverage) still sitting relaxing, but with less wine.
Good luck.

You can’t win, it’s a mortal sin of vanity and self absorption in mine to be slim. I’ve lost a lot of weight recently due to trauma and stress, I never even look at myself, I had no idea how thin I was, I hardly ever leave the house. The horrible judgment from my dad, who never ever comment on the fact my sister is morbidly obese. Vanity is apparently the greatest sin, I’m in pain, not vain. It’s very strange sometimes being a woman

I’m not sure if anyone will see my posts on this now but I wanted to say again that I have read every post and the kindness as well as the call outs have been amazing. You’re all
strangers to me but have honestly helped me try to deal with this.

i drink at the weekend to relax. I see it as my
reward for a hard week. Maybe that IS
problematic and I could find
other ways to reward myself. I will try to and try to see food and drink in a different way.

..after reading all these replies in the garden yesterday I said to DH why did you tell me what dad said. He said he thought I should know. He said my DF thinks DH is missing the fact that I am drinking to excess (hence fat) and unhappy. DH told DF he can assure him I am neither. But as I sat there looking at DH I thought you’ve dropped this on me and then done nothing to make me feel better. Said nothing to restore a shred of confidence. So I said im really struggling with what has happened and I need to feel you have my back more than anyone. Blank look. So I tried again and said it would be nice if you helped with making me feel better. He doesn’t get it. Nothing has been said since. Maybe what has hurt so much in all of this has actually been DH lack of reaction. A kind hug or a bum squeeze to say I love you just the way
you are. His silence has been very stark.

it’s hard reading other people’s experiences but it makes me feel less alone in this. Im
so sorry for anyone who has experienced crappy undermining comments. Xx

On a lighter note I think what sparked all this off was me falling over a box in the hall and breaking my glasses! I actually really hurt myself and I’m wondering now if my parents put 2&2 together and came up with 10. They probably thought I was pissed (it was 10am when I fell!) or rushing around so much I fell over the box.

I have repeatedly told my mother I’m ok but sometimes when someone constantly questions your ok’ness it feels like you question your own reality?!

Like I said, your husband is a prick.

I wouldn't be putting myself out at all for a man like that.
But then I'm a post menopausal bitch, who doesn't take prisoners!

Cut out anything you do for him that makes his life easier.

Use that time to start looking after yourself.

I’m so sorry his response was so shit, @Amelia1909. He’s not telling you these things from a place of concern, he’s telling you to buck your ideas up, and he can get to fuck with that. Or else he’s so thick that he thinks bluntly relaying hurtful remarks is just being helpful. Your parents are obviously concerned for your wellbeing, but worries about ‘fatness’ from eating-disordered, body-shaming relatives need to be taken with a pinch of salt.

As so many people on this thread have said, you need to think about whether you’re happy with how you look and feel. And if the answer is no, then you need to start spending more time and money on yourself, entirely for your own benefit, and a hell of a lot less pandering to dicks who make you feel ‘less than’.

Golfers are a definite type aren’t they?

From your update that part of having ‘a lot on your plate’ relates to your mum and dad, and about how they parented and still treat you, I think you’d benefit from resources on the Stately Homes thread. And reducing contact! They’re complicated at best.

that’s still shit of your H. he doesn’t fully ‘have your back’. So you need to make yourself and look after no 1.

Agree with @godmum56 that you should ask your H not to discuss you with anyone in your family. The family is messed up and no good comes of DH being embroiled/a flying monkey. If he can’t/won’t agree to that, further evidence of a DH problem.

The booze won’t help.

And yes, fuck the father/son in law golf!

If it was coming from a place of love and care, it wouldn't have been worded like that. When I was having a difficult time, my dad invited me round, very kindly said he was here to tall in I needed to as he'd noticed I wasn't my usual self. I basically broke down to him and told him everything. He was so supportive and now he regularly checks in and our relationship is stronger than ever.

What's happened here is just nasty. Your husband shouldn't have repeated it and should have told your dad what an inappropriate comment it was to make.

I'm so sorry you've been on the receiving end of such comments. Easier said than done but try not to take it on board, just let it wash over you. When people put others down in this way, it is usually because they feel bad about themselves.

Time to take some time for yourself @Amelia1909if they’re so concerned maybe they can all start taking some of the load of you so you can do things you’d like to do to destress and if that’s a glass of wine in the garden that’s fine. If it’s reading a book in peace, going for a walk, meeting up with friends that’s also fine. Maybe suggest that would help to them!