Aibu to feel like an embarrassment to DH and my family?

[Amelia1909]

So my father who golfs with my DH tells him he’s concerned - apparently I look haggard. Nice choice of words. He wants to know if DH is missing something. Apparently im
so fat I must be drinking alcohol
to excess?? I’m bloated and fat according to my dad.

just absorbing this when DH is sitting outside with me this evening enjoying the late sun. I say why are you staring at me - he says ‘your eyebrows are blonde again do you need to do them’.

so I’m 52. Fair skinned and blonde. I feel
like utter shit. Everyone is judging me, my appearance, how I’m aging. Please tell
me I’m being unreasonable and others feel
like this?! This is not a vanity post. I think I look ok but evidently not. Do I need to man up and accept I look like crap or is this horrible?! Be gentle please. We have two teenage daughters age 17 and 18.

This 👆

I’d be tempted to ditch your DH and ignore your df.
Unless they are both sex gods, they can gtf asap.

I’ve lost about 20 pounds but need to shift another 20. I often don’t get round to colouring my greys quickly enough. My father had never made any comment about my appearance, but if he did, my DH would not have casually repeated it to me and added one of his own.

I would tell your H that you do not appreciate what he has said, and I’d ignore your F. I wouldn’t bother calling him. When he calls you I’d tell him that he can keep his opinions to himself. Or, if you prefer, select one or two points about his appearance and hit back hard with them

Well my DH has just been through prostate cancer and a prostatectomy so it’s been a horrible year. My eldest is also in the middle of a levels which is stressful and our youngest also has health issues.
This is what makes me think wow god forbid I show any of the strain.
ugh I really am feeling sorry for myself I know but god if feels shit. The responses so far make me realise im not being unreasonable for feeling so judged. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time
to reply xx

I’m from a family where of 5 kids the rest are all very thin and I am pretty overweight. At times it does feel crap but none of them would ever talk to me/about me the way your dad apparently did. Also, since having kids I’ve been able to care a lot less - I look at myself as so much more than just my ability to hit a perfect ideal of youth and beauty. Doesn’t mean you can’t do things to make you feel better for you eg I absolutely dye my grey hairs away.

I’m sure you are a beautiful
woman on the inside and outside xx

Think of all the things you've done for these two op, all the ways you have sacrificed for them and accomodated their emotions, how kind you've been over the years, how much energy you've put into them and the relationship with them, probably at your expense many many times and this?! This is how they repay you.

They're a pair of bastards that deserve no more of your grace.

Obviously your family have a huge issue with weight urgh. Your dh is a bit of a twat repeating the convo and and making you feel crap

These two men don't sound nice at all op. Sending you some virtual agree with pp that "if" your dad said these things then your dh shouldn't have told you. Your dh comment about your eyebrows was completely uncalled for. Very telling that your mum has Anorexia could this be down to your dad?

I take it both of these wonderful male specimens are in the running for 'Sexiest Man Alive.'

Thank you - but look what you’re doing. You’re bringing your girls up very differently to how you have been brought up. You’ve broken that cycle. You work hard and are a kind and generous person. Unfortunately we can’t force other people to see us how we want to be seen. But what we can do is know that they are wrong, and their opinions are not the truth. I hope you can focus on what you’ve achieved and what really matters - and not on unpleasant, thoughtless comments.

I can’t imagine having a conversation like that unless I seriously thought they were very unwell and it was evident by their appearance.
Only you know if this came from a place of spite or genuine concern from your father / husband.

It sounds like a very hurtful thing to hear. If you are healthy, then really I think you should make clear to them how their words have hurt you. Or if you perhaps are not well, or could be unwell use this as a wake up call to seek help.

As pp have said it's terribly nasty od your dad to speak about you to your DH like that.
It's also nasty of your DH to tell you!

But what strikes me as pathetic is all he could come up with himself was your eyebrows need doing, I mean, wow, crime of the century or what?!

But it seems aimed at destabilising you, instead you should be supporting you and building you up.

I'd find it hard to get past this unless he genuinely apologised and recognised how bad his behaviour was.

You sound lovely and such an inspiration to your DCs 💐

I think you need to determine exactly who said what to who, and why they told you

I think after a certain age, looking good actually takes some effort and time (which many of us don't have). I think they are coming from a place of love, so my suggestion would be for your DH to free up some time to do things that you do, so you can spend some time on yourself and self care.

Well they’re utter dicks

Other than that réalisation you need to treat yourself like you would a friend.

i GUARANTEE I’m fatter than you. Would you call me a burden or ugly or any of the other things you’re thinking of yourself? I bet you wouldnt!

im absolutely fat but that’s not the worst thing you can be is it? I’m generally funny and kind and a decent human being which is a/ more important and b/ more than your dh and df are.

Bollocks is it coming from a place of love!

I mean it’s not a place of love is it to say what her df said but also, and I think more importantly, for her dh to repeat it to her and add his own comment. Her eyebrows aren’t anything to be deeply concerned about. He was just being cruel.

It's interesting that you have a husband who talks to like this and also a father. If you had a father who was respectful and supportive I'm sure you wouldn't put up with a husband like that. Now that your girls are older, choices are available to you. Just saying!

I think Op how hurt you must feel, this needs calling out. How dare they be so mean? I would handle this by being extremely petty (and I am very good at this !) by thanking husband and father proffusley for their interest in my health and well being and on reflection you agree you have become slightly overwhelmed of late so you have decided to step back a little and dedicate some time to yourself based on their comments. Then I would go on strike and do sod all for weeks and give the mean,sarky fuckers something proper to moan and grump about. Whilst you are resting and regrouping as suggested by them nothing would shift me into helping them or indeed going the extra mile until I saw fit. Grrrr...they have well overstepped any remark by their meanness. Sort the pair of them out and don't stand for it. You deserve respect, nothing else.

I'd be incredibly upset they said that, but would have told both of them to fuck off. I assume they both look like Greek gods.

I'm severely underweight due to a medical condition. My wonderful beautiful best friends, who will admit to being overweight, enjoy their lives in a way I'll never be able to. They are confident, accomplished and simply lovely human beings.
My DPs are no longer here. DH would never makes me feel.awful or less than for looking so scrawny (my words).
Those who love us don't judge. You're protecting your teen DDs from AN. Surely your DF and DH know what that could do to their lives and if they carry on I'd be seriously considering my relationships with anyone critical of me or risking my DD's health.

This.

Pair of cunts 😡

Your husband should have shut your idiot dad down, there and then and supported you. Not passed on the cruel comments and added in one of his own. Prostate cancer is no excuse for nasty behaviour.

Ignore the pair of them and hold your head up high, as the great woman and role model you are for your girls.

Don’t be ridiculous.

I think I'd have snapped back with a "well I really feel like crap now thanks!" without thinking. Seriously, you need to let them know how they make you feel - especially your OH. If they don't care about that then they are a couple of sexist bellends