Aibu to feel like an embarrassment to DH and my family?

[Amelia1909]

So my father who golfs with my DH tells him he’s concerned - apparently I look haggard. Nice choice of words. He wants to know if DH is missing something. Apparently im
so fat I must be drinking alcohol
to excess?? I’m bloated and fat according to my dad.

just absorbing this when DH is sitting outside with me this evening enjoying the late sun. I say why are you staring at me - he says ‘your eyebrows are blonde again do you need to do them’.

so I’m 52. Fair skinned and blonde. I feel
like utter shit. Everyone is judging me, my appearance, how I’m aging. Please tell
me I’m being unreasonable and others feel
like this?! This is not a vanity post. I think I look ok but evidently not. Do I need to man up and accept I look like crap or is this horrible?! Be gentle please. We have two teenage daughters age 17 and 18.

The question is how do you feel about yourself? I’m a similar age was overweight and thought I looked ok. Then I had a long hard look at myself, I wasn’t particularly happy and realised how looked was probably part of it. I’ve now lost 3 stone, I can walk into any clothes shop and find nice clothes that fit, have more energy and feel so much happier. If you’re happy with how you look then give them both 2 fingers! However my DH never once criticised how I looked but does say I’m much nicer to live with now!

Hi OP.i have a similar family and have been a size 16 at five foot 8 nearly my whole life and have been made to feel like an elephant for most of it. It has really made me step back from my family tbh.

Gosh my dad would never ever say anything about my appearance to my dh. This is so inappropriate and wrong. No wonder you are feeling upset.

I'm sure you look lovely but even if you are a little "haggard and bloated", what woman isn't, sometimes? We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders and frankly the way we look is the least important or amazing thing about us. So definitely tell your husband you're handing stuff off to him so you can free up time for a little self care, if you want to make yourself feel and look better for your own sake. But that's what needs to come first - time for you. If you're looking unwell it's because other people aren't pulling their weight, so make it a 'them' problem, not a 'you' problem. And if you decide you don't GAF that you're looking a little rough around the edges lately (if you even are), then that's great too, you don't need to care about how any bloke thinks you look.

Gosh OP, you're blessed to be married to such a perfect specimen, and have a kind and caring father to boot.

I'm sure you could point out some of your 'concerns' re their appearance and personalities just to balance things out 😇

Sympathies for your dad's comment - my dad similarly makes comments implying that I'm huge compared to my mum (which I am now! But she hardly eats anything for various health reasons. I don't need dad to point it out though! Also he has made those comments all my life, including when I've had a lovely figure)

Do you think after your dad's comment that DH was scrutinising your face trying to work out what may have caused him to say it and hit upon "eyebrows"? If so, it's a very minor flaw to find so in a strange way may indicate that actually you are looking fine!

Has your dad always been a cunt?

Seriously, I’d be reading him the riot act.

No useful advice but adding to the voices agreeing
-why do men feel free to comment on any women's appearance
-these men are meant to be the ones who unconditionally love and support you
- your value does not lie in how you look

• well done for doing it differently for your daughters

Check your BMI against the NHS chart, if you're in the healthy range you're fine.

If you're outside the health range, get inside it.

Appearance has nothing to do with it.

I presume that you have been kind and supportive to your DH through his cancer journey and treatment? What a way to repay your loyal wife. I would be so angry with him.

As for your dad, there are no words. There is obviously a completely fucked up dynamic about women's weight in your family. I would tell your DH that you are disgusted that he thought it was appropriate to pass on your father's criticisms about your appearance which don't even make sense as, to me, haggard means thin and drawn, so I'm not sure how you can be haggard and overweight at the same time.

Tell your DH that you have worked really hard to protect your own daughters from your family's negative and dangerous attitudes about weight only for him to parrot your dad's ridiculous opinions. Ask him what he thought that would achieve.

Unless your father has form for saying such things about/to you or you literally heard those words out of his mouth yourself, I would not be so inclined to believe he actually said any of that, Or if he did voice some concern, that your husband hasn’t embellished it.

I take it your husband no longer looks the way he did at 25? Perhaps it’s time to start critiquing his appearance and any improvements he could make.

your DF seems like he’s concerned about you rather than having a dig?

I don’t understand the assumption of bad faith? Usually if there’s a change or down turn in someone’s appearance consistently it might be something bigger.

I assume your DF asked your DH because he wa worried and didn’t want to offend. I do think your partner should be able to talk to you about your appearance. They’re your partner?? Would you no one tell
their DH if they looked particularly haggard or scruffy?

obviously how we feel about ourself and the constant judgement women are under plays a part. But should DH never say anything ever?

Did you dad really say any if these things? If, so did he mention it because he was worried? Has your DH decided to interpret it differently because perhaps you had an argument?
If none If these things, I would stand up for yourself and have it out with your father and ask DH why he felt the need to blab and make you feel horrible about yourself. Perhaps point out their flaws .....especially the ones with their characters!

Agree.
You'd be happier without these charming men in your life. Think about it.

My family is the same. You can be anything, except fat. Don’t be fat. I hate visiting.

If your dad used the word haggard, does he not equate that with exhausted? Surely then he thinks you need help and should be saying how do I help you not be exhausted?

Your dh, it depends, dh might say to me sometimes am I going to be getting my hair done soon, he means I look like I need a break/ pampering sesssion and knows I’d appreciate it because I can’t afford to do it more than once a year and he’s telling me to go take a break. I’d be similar with eg eyebrows

Thus demonstrating that OP has taken note of their comments and has adjusted herself accordingly. Place of love my arse - it’s nasty, controlling and deeply misogynistic.

That's horrible and unkind
Never mind rude
I'd be upset and when I'd thought about it angry !!

From what op wrote about the women in her family having anorexia and the way her father and husband spoke about/to her I really don’t think their comments are coming from a place of concern. This is overt criticism. I hope op can find the courage to bin these two from her life.

I agree. And I’d be more concerned about all those anorexic women, not about a strong and healthy wife/daughter who is coping admirably with a very stressful time.

Take time to look after yourself, OP. Maybe tell your husband that your father is right, you are getting exhausted and will gladly accept your husband taking more of the workload while you prioritise your own needs xx

No, it’s reasonable for a spouse to express an opinion if it comes from a place of concern.

But to deliver the ‘shouldn’t you do your brows?’ comment when the OP was already reeling from the ‘haggard and bloated’ conversation - and why would anyone relay that phrase word-for-word in the first place other than out of spite? - is basically augmenting the kicking he’s already given her. He’s plainly telling her she needs to work a bit harder at looking decorative because she’s falling below standard. After she’s supported him through a serious illness and all the stress and anxiety that comes with that.

Unless he’s completely devoid of emotional intelligence he knows this will have hurt her, but has decided to dig in a bit more to drive the point home. He’s a cunt.

Honestly, these old men freely policing women’s looks and expecting them to be grateful for the heads up need to get in the fucking bin.

OP, in your shoes I’d explain very clearly how much his comments have hurt you and knocked your confidence, and that you don’t appreciate being picked over and discussed in such an unkind way. His response will tell you a lot.

Btw, we all think you’re gorgeous 💐

I think in your position, I'd ignore your dad. Not sure you can change his attitude.

But your husband you absolutely should confront anytime he does this. Tell him it's unkind and inappropriate. That your appearance is not up for discussion. And that IF being critical of each other is now on the table, that there are a list of things about him you could criticise, but haven't in the past because you love him despite his ageing face and body.

I thought it might have been framed completely differently and the husband just repeating the gist of it. So, more on the lines of ' mate you really need to take better care of my daughter. Poor love looks wrung out. Next week instead of playing golf why don't we take the kids off her hands and she can have a day to herself to do whatever she likes.'.

Usual question from me with an addition. What does your husband bring to the party and why stay in contact with your family? Ps its impossible to be haggard AND bloated.

Do you drink a lot op?

What is your relationship like with your daughters?

and please say your vile husband never offers them beauty advice?