Aibu to feel like an embarrassment to DH and my family?

[Amelia1909]

So my father who golfs with my DH tells him he’s concerned - apparently I look haggard. Nice choice of words. He wants to know if DH is missing something. Apparently im
so fat I must be drinking alcohol
to excess?? I’m bloated and fat according to my dad.

just absorbing this when DH is sitting outside with me this evening enjoying the late sun. I say why are you staring at me - he says ‘your eyebrows are blonde again do you need to do them’.

so I’m 52. Fair skinned and blonde. I feel
like utter shit. Everyone is judging me, my appearance, how I’m aging. Please tell
me I’m being unreasonable and others feel
like this?! This is not a vanity post. I think I look ok but evidently not. Do I need to man up and accept I look like crap or is this horrible?! Be gentle please. We have two teenage daughters age 17 and 18.

WHY would your DH feel to tell you that and also who the f does your dad think he is. What a tosser?

Id be asking your dad if his slong still works.....

Honestly your amazing and that body carried your babies and your worth of full respect.

Apologies that I don't have time to RTFT, but I have read your posts, OP.

I would want to know from my father what he actually said, because this sounds like a DH problem. If it transpires that DH has invented/exaggerated your father's part in this it's time for some serious conversations.

You will have the final victory - all the excessively thin ones will soon look about 20 years older than their actual age while you will look at least 10 years younger! The older we get, the more flattering our 'fatness' becomes!

I love how men seem to think their opinion is the most valid and important one of all. Next time they start with an opinion on how you look just start pointing out their flaws. My DH kept mentioning my weight, it's true I have put weight on since I was 23, I am a 47 year old peri-menopausal woman. I just started patting his rotund tummy, and said "yep haven't we both". After a few times of this retort he started dieting.

When DH step-father kept commenting on how old I was getting, 🙄 which was every single time I saw him. L I just say "aren't we so lucky to get older? Not everyone gets to be old" (My brother died at 45 in a car accident 5 years ago). That soon shuts them up. FWIW I don't actually care about getting old, and looking older. It really is a privilege denied to many, so I count every day as a blessing.

Honestly men and their fucking opinions can go do one.

I would take their comments and start looking after myself more. Spa day, walks, slow mornings, fuck the house work and chasing around after everyone.

💐

Well if he said you are haggard, you are obviously doing too much. So maybe let some of the housework slide (washing his clothes???)and curl up on the sofa with a book, then when your prince of a man comments, you can say that as he was "concerned about me looking haggard, I thought I would have a bit of a rest".

Know you are loved no matter what.

It sounds like your Dad & DH love to undermine you rather than actually love you.

This is abusive to your & your DD's - even though you protect them as much as possible.

Might be worth doing the freedom programme online just to confirm that how they make you question your value is not love.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

At first I agreed that both are complete assholes but re- reading I think maybe your dad - although out of order in how he phrased it - might be genuinely worried about you.

Your DH's response is what gets me. Dad says I'm worried, is she OK, are you missing something. DH's response is to look at you and conclude, yeah, she needs her eyebrows done. Wtf. I think your DH is being the biggest dick here.

Your dad is an arse - assuming your DH's account of the conversation is correct - it may not be - it could be that your dad commented that you look exhausted and he's worried you don't have time to yourself to sleep/exercise etc etc - but of course you'll only know what was actually said if you speak to your father about it AND he tells the truth.

Your husband is definitely an arse for not shutting down that conversation. He shouldn't have told you what your father said - it was unkind of him to pass along that information and make you feel like you are being talked about behind your back.

As for the eyebrow comment: that one is a bit less certain: he may have been doing you a favor by letting you know that the re-growth was a bit visible and needed sorting out - I would have no issue with a loved one pointing out that something of a similar nature about my appearance was looking in need of assistance - indeed I almost rely on one of my sisters to remind me to get my eyebrows waxed (I don't really care about such things but appearances do matter, so I appreciate her taking the time to remind me that I may be starting to look like there is a small caterpillar between my eyes.

As for your appearance in general: it would be a lovely world if humans didn't give a damn about appearance and focused only on personality. But we don't live in that world, and appearances do matter. Most likely if your husband started growing tufts of hair out of his nose/ears and had Jeremy Clarkson eyebrows etc, and developed a pot belly/took no care over his appearance etc you'd be a bit put off. You need to be honest with yourself here (we can't do that for you because we don't know what you look like, or what you "normally" look like): would it be reasonable to say that you have put on weight/have lost interest in your appearance to the extent that people might notice and be concerned that you are, for example, depressed? You also mentioned that your DH said your father is concerned about alcohol drinking: do you drink booze? And if so how much? Only you know the answer to that - and a lot of people who consume too much aren't honest with themselves, let alone others about that consumption.

The great thing about cutting back/cutting out booze is that anyone who does so automatically removes hundreds of calories from their daily intake...and if one replaces that booze with water/a cup of herbal tea etc (i.e. don't drink fizzy drinks/cola/juice etc instead) you'll automatically have a calorie deficit compared to what you normally were consuming. You'll also be saving a lot of money. £8 worth of wine a night with only two days off a week = over £2k a year.

I would suggest you speak to your father to ask him what was actually said (only you know if he will tell the truth) and to tell him that you don't appreciate him talking about your appearance behind your back. As for your husband: if this is a pattern of behaviour I am sorry. Ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and he found out that a member of his family was jgossiping about his appearance behind his back with you. If he won't make efforts to stop being spiteful/unkind then you need to make efforts to protect yourself and live a kinder life - and that may well include determining whether you really want to be living with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. But also be honest with yourself about your appearance and whether there are health-related issues that do actually need some attention.

Don’t tell me op; you were at home taking care of everything while these buff male specimens had the time for a leisurely stroll around the golf course judging the women in their lives negatively?

The arrogance of your dad is astounding! No wonder the rest of your family have eating disorders! How pathetic and sad that he rates a women’s appearance above all of their other characteristics.

What was his motivation in speaking to your dh about his concerns? Is he mischief-making? Trying to cause a rift between the two of you?

Your dh should have shut down your dad immediately! And then should not have repeated the conversation. What was he thinking?

You can cool relations with your dad but what are you going to do about your dh? How is your relationship with him usually?

Whatever you do op, hold your head up high. We all age, it’s not a crime, and as a pp said, every extra year is a privilege. You have a professional career, you are kind and generous and I am certain that you look absolutely lovely. If those in your life can’t appreciate your inner and outer characteristics then you can tell them where they can hop off frankly! Do not give them that power over you!

I totally agree! And I bet they look like fucking models, do they?!

Thank you to everyone who replied with encouragement, a different perspective or questions about DF and DH motivation. I have read every single reply and they have all helped me.

I am trying to think this came from a place of
love from my dad. DF was passing on concerns my mum has that I do too much and look fat. But also that I carry the mental load (DH didn’t agree) and have a lot on my plate (ironically my parents are a huge part of this too). The thought of DM and DF discussing it all between themselves and then DF picking his moment to speak to DH just feels so humiliating.

..weight is a very personal thing. I was slim
from age 28-35 because I simply didn’t eat. My parents had me on a diet at 9yrs old and being stood in front of a mirror and told ‘how flat my tummy looks now’ leaves its mark. But.. my mum and dad didn’t want me to be fat. It all goes back a long way.

I drink wine at the weekends. Probably
too much yes. It’s something I can look at honestly and cut down on.

I think what this has done has highlighted how adrift I feel. The last year has been horrible but my husbands cancer treatment brought us together. Now I just feel like he’s also critically analysing me and keeping a mental check list of how I look. For what it’s worth the eyebrow comment was a week after the reporting back of my DF words (I do believe he said it all - he’s not known for tact or putting things nicely). I said ‘wow between you and my dad you’re really going for it aren’t you’.

Sorry this is turning into a real therapy session. It’s just I think I’ve found a space to finally say some of this out loud (write). With that in mind thank you again to everyone who took the time to read my jumble of wounded feelings. You have helped x

If your parents had you on a diet at 9 years old and anorexia "runs in your family" please divest yourself from the "place of love" line. About your husband, I don't know.....does he know about your childhood? I mean if it was me and I felt my relationship was worth it, I'd be saying (nicely or less nicely) that your husband DOES NOT EVER discuss you with your father..... Not sure why you are still in contact with your parents but your choice. A bit of a reach but lots of women with your history end up choosing a partner who does the same things as their father did. Might this apply to you?

As far as your actual physical health goes, what you do is totally up to you. If you do decide to change your lifestyle, do it YOUR way, at YOUR pace when YOU are ready.

Oh sod the both of them.

I'm sorry OP, I know how it feels when your family is so critical of your appearance. My dad made constant jokes about my weight as a kid and I wound up with an ED which I still struggle with now in my late 20s.

You'd expect better from your husband but we accept the love we think we deserve. I bet he doesn't do anything with HIS eyebrows, the arse.

🤗 and 💐

Edit: fwiw I also have blonde eyebrows (and lashes) and I stopped getting them tinted months ago. If you want them done you get them done for but seriously screw him for making you feel insecure for your natural appearance! Grr.

I would rip them to shreds.

A line to use in response might be:

'Good job I'm not interested in you/ their opinion.'

It sounds like you have a long history of abuse going back to your childhood & it's time to see that it was never your fault.

Oh I'm so sorry, this is awful. My Dad is the same - I was over the moon last time he stayed that he didn't mention my weight for the first 16 whole hours! (I had a baby 5 months before and am only about a stone overweight). You can't change your parents but the same isn't true of spouses/partners. If my partner joined in, he'd be out of the door faster than he'd finished the sentence. He has his (considerable) faults but I'd drawn the line at that. I've never said 'LTB' before, but this is absolutely not OK. The thing is, it won't change if that way of thinking is ingrained in him. It's not something a frank conversation or therapy will help. I'm so sorry that the people that are supposed to love you the most are making you feel like this - it's not fair

Both incredibly out of line.

But I’d think of it as perhaps doing you a favour. Clearly little gratitude is being demonstrated or affection exhibited to you and therefore you’d do best to prioritise your own wellbeing. Obviously as they have time to play golf, they - or at least your husband - has time to do childcare, housework etc or any of the myriad tasks that make you ‘haggard’. ( bloody cheek).

To be charitable, perhaps the root of it , or at least an element of it, is concern that you’re not looking after yourself and making unhealthy choices because you’ve been prioritising your family over yourself or are nut happy. Good reason not to do that going forward even if that’s not what they intended. In my experience , everyone looks best when they’re happy. Take the time for yourself.

Maybe there’s also an element of what I now see in men all the time now I’m middle aged:

1. the unthinking acceptance or perhaps unquestioning entitlement men have to women’s support and labour with no regard being paid to the cost of that for the women
2. the belief that a woman’s value is in her attractiveness to men and that it’s almost a moral failing for that to decline.

I remember years ago listening with incredulity to an Australian radio presenter saying that women over 35 should refrain from wearing a bikini on holiday as ‘no one wanted to see that’. He couldn’t conceive of possibility that women had same reason and right to dress as they pleased as men - they existed only for his viewing pleasure or to bring him stuff. He of course resembled a troll.

It sounds like you married somebody like your dad. Tell them both to fuck off.

Oh god OP you have so much sympathy from me. A memory that will forever be burned into my mind was when my mam looked at me with utter contempt and told me, a lanky, gangly ten year old with probably 5% body fat at the time, that I'd gained weight. That sort of thing stays with you like a brand. It's taken me decades to get over the food issues she unwittingly gave me.

I'm so sorry your family and husband have been so cruel to you.

Assuming your Dad did say this to your husband, why did your husband feel the need to tell you? Is your Dad normally insensitive and tends to say inappropriate things? Is this something you could imagine your Dad saying? If not, are you absolutely sure the conversation went the way your husband describes it?!! Could your Dad for example said to your husband 'X looks tired, is she OK' and your husband has used that, to tell you what he actually thinks, dressed up as a comment from your Dad? Neither scenario is great, because it doesn't paint both in a very good light. It just seems odd to me, that your husband would repeat this to you, because it's not particularly nice. Most husband's would have kept quiet and not told their wife, what their FIL had said, in these circumstances.

Please talk honestly to dh hire this has made you feel. Hopefully he can reassure you.

Putting a nine year old on a diet is abusive unless recommended by a medical professional which I'm sure wasn't the case for you.

Your birth family and your husband seem to judge you based on your personal appearance rather than the fact that you are a kind and supportive daughter, wife and mother. Their thinking is fucked up. There is nothing wrong with you. None of this comes from a 'good place'. Your parents and husband are the problem, not you.

My dad is my favourite person in the world but he did tell me that I needed to take better care of myself when I was morbidly obese. The difference is the way he framed it and the words used, he said I owed it to myself to find time for myself and to take care of me. 3.5 stone down with another 2 to go and he joins me on my runs when I visit. He's complimentary and when my mum ( blunt as ever) said I looked much better now he responded that I'm beautiful at any weight but I'm finally carving out time for myself and making my health a priority which was good as a parent to see.

I didn't share this to hurt you but just illustrate that parents can share concerns about sensitive topics like weight without being offensive.Neither your husband or father sound pleasant. You deserve a whole lot better.

It's hard when weight issues go deep but I'd stand firm in telling both men to wise up to how words can hurt and back off. I'd also tell your dh it's about time he took on more of the mental load as its high time you claimed some time out to put yourself first. It's easy enough to say your eyebrows need tinting but if you are running around silly exactly when are you meant to do it? You deserve to be able to take time for yourself, whether that is to focus on a new hobby, meeting new people, exercising etc. is down to you.

You poor pet.
Your reaction is not wrong.
How appalling....but is it surprising?

Toxic parents.
On a diet from 9?
Just how fxxked up is that?
I mean really fxxked up.

You need to step back and start looking after yourself.

Your husband is a tactless prick to have repeated that to you.
Do not take it as helpful.
It sure wasn't.

My friends husband made a remark about her weight, a bit tactless and boy has he regretted it since.
He was no skinny himself🙄🤨.
She has eaten in the work canteen since.
She only cooked really for him at night.
She took it as permission to think of herself and to stop cooking any evening meals.

3 years on she has shifted two stone, looks amazing and more importantly feels it.
She has joined a few things in her now free evenings.

Every time she got a compliment about how well she looked she thank the giver and said "yes dave told me I put on too much weight so I decided to do something about it. I no longer cook and it has worked a treat." Dave gets the side eye from every woman and is mortified. After about the 6th time he begged her to stop saying it.

She still doesn't cook.
He now cooks as she will not bend on this.
It helps that her two children are gone from home.

Of course you are very upset.
I would make this work for you by turning it around and doing a lot less for those around you.
Focus on your daughters and screw the rest of them.

Consider a bit of therapy for that toxic childhood.
You ARE doing too much, so try and change that.
Keep posting.
We are here for you.

Im not saying anyone wants their family to die but life when that toxic weight endless fixation stops does get easier. X

Op, I know you say you drink too much at the weekends.

Be honest, this is anonymous, is it problem drinking?