AIBU to expect some acknowledgement of my sister's death?

[DrSeuss]

Reality check because I have a horror of entitled people and try never to be one.

My sister died last week. She was found dead in her home in Manchester by the police following her work colleagues becoming worried when she didn't show up for her shift. There has to be an autopsy as the cause of death is unclear. Other than it seems to have been natural causes of some kind. We do not know when the autopsy will be, when we will have a death certificate and so can plan nothing. The police changed the locks after forcing the door, which was great as I was worried that the house was not secure, but cannot release the keys till there is a death certificate. I was informed of her death by a policeman at my door, who was also very kind. I immediately phoned my oldest friends, who live near her home, to tell them what had happened, as I thought I might need then help at some point since I live three hours away.

After a few days, when I felt able to do so, I posted on Facebook as this seemed a straightforward way to inform my friends, colleagues and husband's family without me having to ring, repeatedly go over the story a and repeatedly get upset. One post, one lot of tears, seemed easier. A number of people posted brief messages of condolence, which was nice.I

Since then, crickets. The friend to who I sent flowers when she received a serious medical diagnosis, then flowers when she had surgery, then several gifts to cheer her up during her recovery has not even sent a card, a week later. The relative to whom I sent flowers when her much loved cat died(she without partner or children so that cat was everything to her) and whose birthday I always remember didn't even call or send a card. I know that people are biscuit so am I and I manage to acknowledge people's life events, especially the sad ones. A Facebook comment takes seconds, is that really all I'm worth?

It's not about the money. I don't need flowers or gifts. A call or a letter would do. Just something to show that they care.

I am seriously going to scale back on how much attention I give to other people. I say this every so often after my birthday goes without acknowledgement when I remember other people's or similar things.

AIBU to be upset that I don't rate a single card, call or anything? How should I proceed?

I am so sorry for your loss and the awful way it has happened. Also shocked that nobody has acknowledged your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss

However I do wonder if people just haven't seen your post - I often have things pop up on my feed that were posted weeks ago.

I am so, so, sorry for the traumatic and unexpected passing of your sister.

You have so much going on in your head and your heart right now, it must be like a tornado within you.

I'd be very hurt and upset too, in your shoes. Sometimes people don't know what to say, what to do, or how to say or do it. I'm one of them. That is absolutely no excuse, and it's on them (and me) to try harder and do better.

The only thing I do think, is that right now, you are in the throes of so much hurt and grief, I wouldn't make any life changing decisions, or go burning any bridges. Do very much focus on you and those around you offering their support and care, lean on it, and accept it. Sometimes it's easy to overlook those who are doing and saying the right things, in focussing on those that haven't.

Sorry I misread about the facebook responses. However, personally I always send a card at the very least and flowers if a close friend. I would slso follow up with messages of support too.

Yanbu I am so so sorry for your loss x

I am sorry for your loss - how dreadful for you. Sending you hugs.

I am shocked at the lack of support & sympathy from your friends and family. I'd have expected them to at least send you a card, flowers or something.

I am so sorry about your sister, that must have been a huge shock and so hard to hear about in the way that you did.

Some people are unable to cope when someone close to them loses a loved one, often they fear saying the wrong thing more than they fear saying nothing at all. Or it could be that they want to give you some space before getting in touch to allow you some time.

Try not to make any rash decisions until you have had some time to process things and if after that you feel you want to take a step back then do so, but allow yourself the time to come to a considered deciosn.

I hope the next few weeks and months pass as easily as they can for you.

I’m so sorry for your loss, that sounds an awful situation made more difficult by the waiting for answers.
In short, your friends are rubbish. If I knew you I’d have come over with flowers and a home cooked meal and be ready to sit with you or take you out or whatever you felt like.

Sending a virtual hug instead. Do you want to talk about your sister here? What was she like?

Thank you for your kind words.

The number of reactions says that a lot of people I know saw it. The The brief, often one short phrase comments for family members say that they are aware.

Apparently, a TH comment taking seconds is what I am worth. Better than nothing but only just.

Facebook is awful for not showing posts; I hardly ever see anything from anyone anymore except for the few people interact with a lot. When I check individual pages I see loads of posts that haven't come up on my feed.

So it's quite likely that the people who didn't comment or haven't been in touch haven't seen the announcement.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. It must have been an awful shock and very painful for you.💐 I hope you can find some solace with the people who do are checking in with you. A lot of people are really bad with navigating death and grief, even when they do care.

Oh op I’m so sorry for your loss. What a dreadful shock. You must be reeling.

Im shocked at the lack of care shown by your friends. People are, especially now, so very self absorbed.

Take care of yourself and I hope that the formalities can be sorted quickly. I know from experience how distressing these necessary and legal hold ups can be.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Are you sure it’s been seen? Social media posts can so very easily go unseen and can vanish in seconds from feeds.

Sorry, that should read FB comment.
My sister was a very quiet person until you got to know her. Worked in IT which suited her as computers don't require small talk.

So sorry for your loss. The friends you phoned should step up. The FB friends may not have seen it. I have an FB account but I never open it.

Ah sorry, I guess I've got it wrong then. Yes I can see that it would be very difficult to forgive people for not being better friends to you. It's definitely a thing though - if you're very conscientious and very thoughtful it's usually the case that most people won't match that when the boot's on the other foot.

Oh with your update, yes YANBU.
I am not a card flowers person but I always call and keep calling.

Wow that’s shit op; both your sister dying and people’s responses, so so sorry.
Unfortunately I am finding this is happening more and more, people are becoming so self absorbed.
I don’t actually know what the answer is. The usual advice is to match their energy, but if that’s not who you are it’s hard.
Just concentrate on yourself at the moment and try not to think about other people.

So sorry for the loss of your sister, you must be shocked and devastated

I would be upset too at people’s lack
of support. It may be some have not seen it, and others don’t know what to say, but it must make an already awful situation even worse

You will get support on here and I would love to hear more about your sister 💐

Some may have not seen it yet, some just don't kniw what to say, some will think you don't want direct contact hence the podt on FB.
But that no one close even texted is shit.

Sorry for your loss

I think a lot of people really don't want to cause distress. Giving them the benefit of doubt, they may not know how to navigate such an awful thing. It's not an excuse but it can explain it a little.

Take care of yourself, and if it helps you could talk about your sister here. 💐

Yes, the number of reactions and brief comments say they saw it , including the one who had flowers for the death of her cat, the one who had flowers and gifts through her health crisis and the mother-daughter pair who I never forget at Christmas and for whom I drive ten hours in a day to attend the funeral of their husband/father.

My best friend lost her brother recently. She lives in another country so I didnt send flowers.
But I called her immediately
Made time to see her when she visited the UK
Texted her during the funeral
Asked after her mum etc etc

Honestly, I don’t think that’s a helpful way to think about it, when you’re dealing with grief and horrible shock. (And I’m so sorry, OP. Very best wishes to you as you deal with your sister’s death.)

People have no idea how to deal with sudden bereavement, and (as a non-Brit), British people are particularly bad at it as a culture. Purely because I’m from somewhere else and culturally less fazed by how to behave to someone who’s just been bereaved, I’ve not infrequently been the person to give someone the acknowledgement they needed — not because I’m a nicer person or a better friend (in some cases I barely knew them), but just because I’m less inhibited around death.

I think doing a mass Fb post has also probably impacted the responses. I mean, I get entirely why you did it, and why you couldn’t face phoning people, but it’s a distancing way of communicating the news, and possibly suggests to them (especially in the context of sudden death, police break-in, no death certificate, autopsy, all ongoing upset for you etc) that you don’t want to talk, wouldn’t welcome a phone call, and are probably busy dealing with the logistics of an ‘unusual’ death.

I’d contact your closest friends, tell them how you’re and ask for the support you need, rather than write them off as uncaring.

I'm really sorry about your sister OP.

I've has a couple of big 'out of order' bereavements and yes, some people are absolute twats, don't acknowledge things, and it's really made me rethink some friendships. I was bereaved, not infectious.

I think people get really weird about sibling deaths as parents and grandparents are expected.

It does hurt, of course it does. But try to focus on the relationships where you do feel you're getting support.

I’m so sorry for your terrible loss. I have also lost a sibling suddenly and it’s extremely painful. I am so sorry people haven’t been supportive and that is dreadful but I would also say that I often miss posts on FB and might not see them on my timeline for a week and I really hope it’s just that. You sound like a kind and lovely friend and I wouldn’t stop reaching out to people if you need support 💐