AIBU to expect some acknowledgement of my sister's death?

[DrSeuss]

Reality check because I have a horror of entitled people and try never to be one.

My sister died last week. She was found dead in her home in Manchester by the police following her work colleagues becoming worried when she didn't show up for her shift. There has to be an autopsy as the cause of death is unclear. Other than it seems to have been natural causes of some kind. We do not know when the autopsy will be, when we will have a death certificate and so can plan nothing. The police changed the locks after forcing the door, which was great as I was worried that the house was not secure, but cannot release the keys till there is a death certificate. I was informed of her death by a policeman at my door, who was also very kind. I immediately phoned my oldest friends, who live near her home, to tell them what had happened, as I thought I might need then help at some point since I live three hours away.

After a few days, when I felt able to do so, I posted on Facebook as this seemed a straightforward way to inform my friends, colleagues and husband's family without me having to ring, repeatedly go over the story a and repeatedly get upset. One post, one lot of tears, seemed easier. A number of people posted brief messages of condolence, which was nice.I

Since then, crickets. The friend to who I sent flowers when she received a serious medical diagnosis, then flowers when she had surgery, then several gifts to cheer her up during her recovery has not even sent a card, a week later. The relative to whom I sent flowers when her much loved cat died(she without partner or children so that cat was everything to her) and whose birthday I always remember didn't even call or send a card. I know that people are biscuit so am I and I manage to acknowledge people's life events, especially the sad ones. A Facebook comment takes seconds, is that really all I'm worth?

It's not about the money. I don't need flowers or gifts. A call or a letter would do. Just something to show that they care.

I am seriously going to scale back on how much attention I give to other people. I say this every so often after my birthday goes without acknowledgement when I remember other people's or similar things.

AIBU to be upset that I don't rate a single card, call or anything? How should I proceed?

I am so very sorry. People are rubbish at responding to grief. I go above and beyond for people who have suffered losses. Even acquaintances. I try and keep in touch by text. I would always say that I don’t expect any reply. But I will always keep in touch, especially after the funeral and those difficult weeks following.

Yes, some people don’t know what to say and feel uncomfortable. But that is a fraction of what the bereaved person is going through. I don’t think it’s good enough.

What a shock for you. What a loss. Sending love x

What a fab sister you are xx

So sorry for your loss. YANBU. A real friend would send a card or letter or a phone call. There really isn’t an excuse.

OP, am so sorry for your loss.
It is clear you are that friend who does too much for people who take you for granted.
Going forward, release your anger by matching their energy.
It brings much more long term peace.
Save your energy for yourself.

YANBU OP.

it’s shit.

I’ve been through the same.

my mum died last year. We were very, very close and I don’t have much family left now.

Most of my friends….crickets.

I told some friends immediately, as they knew she was ill, they lived locally so knew what was going on etc.

Like you, I then put a post on Facebook. Over 100 people “liked it” or whatever, lots of comments.

Some friends who I hadn’t told individually whatsapped me having seen the fb post. But it wasn’t always the friends I would have thought it would have been.

I got a couple of cards, two bunches of flowers. Not from the friends I would have expected. Very kind of them.

Couple of friends live abroad. Nothing from them. Then one of them sent me a meme with a laughing face last month and a “remember xyz?” Comment. What? You’ve just totally ignored the death of my mum?

one friend who lives locally to me chatted to my mum a lot, my mum also helped her out with childcare a few times when her kid was younger. Nothing. She works from home minutes from where the funeral was held. I felt for sure she would be there but nope.

I don’t buy it when people say “people don’t know what to say”. There’s nothing to say, nothing anybody says will make you feel any better. But it’s just the actual motion of doing something that is appreciated.

Personally, if I see a bereavement on fb, I comment my condolences on the post, then I follow up with a brief message on FB messenger or WhatsApp or whatever. If it’s someone I don’t know that well, just a very brief “I’m so sorry for your loss”, with no questions or expectations of a response. If someone I know better, I will say I am here if there is anything I can do to help, again, I don’t ask questions or require a response.

I thought this was just standard.

the radio silence from some people was awful, and it’s been noted. I won’t forget who was there for me and who wasn’t when I needed them.

I find that shocking. I would definitely send you a card at the very least.
I'm very sorry about your sister.
I received similar treatment when my aunt died unexpectedly (we were very close) and it did surprise me that friends could be like that.

Do less. Dont send Xmas cards. I do much less these days.

Personally, I would take FB as a very “casual” way to tell people you have lost someone so close to you

id be sending a small old school card/letter statement to eveyone who you are close to. Say what’s happened and that you are devasted . Post it old school with stamp. That indicates the impact it’s had on you

But then I’m 60 plus and always used to posting bereavement notices. I don’t always look at Facebook every day..I treat is as casual thing and never post.

So sorry about your sister. The time between death and being able to finalise arrangements is so difficult. Especially when it was unexpected.

i think it’s never the people you expect who check in when something happens. Really hope you find some support.

Oh, and I meant to say

I’m sorry as well for your loss…it’s really hard …and harder that people clewrly need to be told more than once had hard it is for you just now

I had this several years ago, although not a tragic event like the death of your sister.

I was the one sending cards, flowers, gifts, as well as cooking meals, giving support and childcare when it was needed and, in those situations, asking how I could help.

I was happy to do it, I was a close friend of this person. I had noticed how, although gushing thanks weren't needed or even wanted by me, I had the minimum- a brief thanks.

Then, when I needed support, support wasn't forthcoming. It awoke me with a jolt and I decided to write it all down-including what had and hadn't been done and how I felt about it.

I added to it over several weeks and read it through every now and then, which made pretty painful reading. Nonetheless, I did because I had decided to appoint myself Judge and Jury as to how I would move forward with it.

So, I didn't do anything in a rush or in a fit of temper-I mulled and took my time.

I decided to let the well run dry and, sure enough, when I withdrew, didn't make myself as available, there was a change on their side. However, I had made up my mind to match their energy.

I didn't want a big heart to heart about it because I was disillusioned and came to realise that I couldn't be bothered.

They did eventually ask if everything was OK and I smiled and said of course it was but now I keep my distance.

You can be too nice and , sometimes, a certain type of person will take that as their entitlement and think more of others who do bugger all!

It often does need an event to bring it to a head but my advice to you, at this terrible time, is to think about it, mull it over and maybe decide to be superficially friendly.

Don't make a priority out of those to whom you are only an option. The reactions you have had to your sister's death are nothing short of disgusting and you owe to yourself to stop being a rub rag, as I was, for those who just expect it and think little of it.

I am feeling sad for you. Sorry to hear the sad news about your sister. I am hoping that once your family are told that they send you cards. Can you ask a friend to let people know. I agree with others on here, not everyone uses facebook and might not check it .I am sorry for your loss and it seems like a lot of us at MN are sending you messages.

I think the facebook post was fine. A slightly distant relative of mine passed away in a sudden and traumatic way recently. It was announced in Facebook because the partner didn't know all the family and they had friends and connections all over the UK. They were loads of messages and personal messages on Facebook from ppl. But we do have quiet an ecentric family so maybe they were more happy do this? My mums side of the family were a little confused with this, but... they are they send a card ppl. So to not do either is crap and I am very very sorry for your loss.
Are your friends waiting for you to reach out them? Although they really should be reaching out to you!
Your funeral plan sound fantastic and a lovely way to remember her!
Condolences OP

As I said before, these are people who definitely are aware of my sister's death as they reacted to the Facebook post or left a brief comment. So they do know, they just don't care enough to do anything as simple as text, send a card or anything really. Casual acquaintance just leaving a quick comment is fine. That's all I expect. However, family members and supposedly close friends for whom I have previously put in time and effort is something else.

I am so sorry, what a shock to lose your sister in this way. Please take good care of yourself. 💐

I mean this very kindly, they might not have seen your post. I know from my professional world that the algorithms that govern what pops up on our timelines are always changing.

So I would reach out directly to the friends who haven’t been in touch if you are able to, perhaps a text or WhatsApp message. However you would usually contact them, and say something along the same lines as your Facebook message.

And if they don’t care or respond, you can forget them and conserve your energy for getting through the funeral and the weeks after. But I think some will, in which case you will have some more support. x

Oh I have just seen your update. I’d probably still contact them and see what happens just in case they were waiting for you to contact them for some reason. Some people are weird around death, but I would not give too much headspace to their reactions. Do reach out to those who are supportive though. In these circumstances, friendships can change.

I think some of this "you should have done xyz rather than Facebook'' stuff is putting an awful lot of pressure on the suddenly bereaved at a time when they just need to let people know.

When it was me I couldn't concentrate for long periods, physically felt terrible - hot then cold, insomnia, either ate too much or not at all. Plus there's all the practical arrangements to make for the funeral.

Of course if you've helped your friends out through their own bad times they should be doing a more now. Unfortunately it sometimes takes a horrible event to work out who your friends actually are.

One thing OP - some people who are more traditional about sending cards would send them to parents rather than siblings. Could it be that your parents are getting cards and flowers on behalf of your whole family?

@DrSeuss You can't keep pouring out to people forever. The truth is you only ever get the merest of effort back unless you're fortunate enough to have friends and family very similar to yourself. So match the energy you receive. It's often an imbalance anyway, where you give, give and give and maybe don't actually keep enough for yourself.

I would also suggest you report your thread to MNHQ and ask them to edit your OP to reflect the fact that you're talking about people who you know have seen your FB post, otherwise you will likely keep getting well-meaning comments saying they may not have seen it.

Wishing you strength to handle this (and peace, in time).

So sorry about your sister @DrSeuss . My sincerest condolences 💐
We always send a sympathy card and take/send flowers at the very least .

Well, since OP says clearly that her sister suffered through both her parents’ C of E funeral services I think that’s highly unlikely.

@OP I am very sorry for your loss. We had a relative pass away recently and lots of cards were received, from people of all ages, so I don’t think that physical cards have just fallen away as a “thing”.

My theories might be:

1. cards often come from people who were close to the deceased, talking about how they touched their life. If your sister had a limited social circle, perhaps there are not many people in that category.
2. is it possible that people have interpreted the “suddenly” and the fact that she was still of working age as a veiled way of suggesting that she took her own life? They might feel unsure about whether standard condolence cards would be appropriate in that circumstance.
3. People do tend to send condolences mostly to the spouse. It was my relative’s widow who received all the cards recently. These often pass on best wishes to other family members.
4. your friends are indeed unfeeling, lazy assholes.

I am so sorry for your sudden loss.

I think it's possible many people didn't see your Facebook post - all I see these days is adverts and group posts, rarely anything of friends. Lots of people don't even check facebook any more, even those of the generation that still use it.

Of course those that did respond had seen it, cards may arrive yet, the post is terrible. It takes time to get to a shop, pick the right card and send it. For you, time is frozen, for them life is continuing at pace. It's easy to think 'Oh no, I meant to go and get a card today, I'll try tomorrow'.

Maybe they are waiting for a funeral announcement?

I'm not sure if sending flowers is the thing to do for a bereavement, aren't flowers more for the funeral? If I'm not sure then others may not be sure.

Having said all that, I was seriously impacted by a horrific event that impacted many and continued to for a long time, and was stunned at how few people even thought to send me a text or check in. One person texted a year later, after a year of silence, to say they were sorry and were there for me!!! Maybe they were stuck in a time lapse.

I hope you hear from your friends very soon.

I'm so truly worry for your loss and the shocking way it happened.

It's awful that your friends haven't made an effort. Unfortunately I've experienced the same- a once really good friend barely made contact after my mum died and I don't speak to her anymore as a result. I think many people have become so self centred and entitled. It's all about 'me' and there's a real lack of compassion towards others. It's terribly sad because we all need others. I understand why you are so hurt.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would leave it for now and once you have a funeral date I would Whatsapp/text the close friends /family with details.

Just a generic:
Sisters funeral is planned for X date/time at.
Please no flowers.
Please choose to remember her by ....
All welcome at... Afterwards

People are crap at reaching out and offering support but if they don't turn up for the funeral they will have shown you who they are.

Take care x

I tell you about DM and her sister. She wasn’t on good terms with DM. Got birthday and Christmas cards. A few years before, cards were written by Aunt’s husband. Then didn’t get any cards in 2020/1. DM just thought that suffering with COVID.

Two years ago, DM was online and decided to Google her sister’s full name. Has an unusual middle name. Found she died in 2021. Nobody informed DM. Weren’t informed about Aunt being ill.

We ordered the death certificate as for curiosity purposes what she died of. Plus heard of times where someone had cancer and aunt had the same thing - the person’s mother unaffected.

Aunt died of Multiple system atrophy (MSA) one of the first symptoms is fine motor control - holding a pen and writing.
It takes about 6-10 years from diabetes to death. No cure

Op, I am truly sorry about your sister. What I am going to say next sounds dull and practical but I think it's also true to some extent.
My mum died in April, she was very elderly and had dementia for years but her death was unexpected and somehow still a shock.
It was two and a half weeks before I could pick up her death certificate. Protocols have changed and everything is triple checked now. This leaves one in limbo anyway but your situation is much worse as your sister's death was entirely unexpected. My cousin and I called the weeks we had to wait 'weird weeks' and they truly are.

I too put a picture and an announcement on FB, as some of my friends knew her from childhood and as you say, it's a good way to let people know. There were lots of kind comments and acknowledgements and basically, that was it. A couple of close friends sent cards but no one else did. A couple of calls from people and that was it. I wonder if people just behave differently now and don't send cards and flowers as much as they did. Or that they might send flowers to a funeral service? We didn't have one as such so I can't judge.

What did happen was that my brain was full of fog for about a fortnight and yours might be too (I was the one out of my siblings who visited frequently and dealt with her life admin). To some extent, it helps to let time pass and as @SeaFloor said, contact your close friends, invite them round and talk about your sister.