AIBU to expect some acknowledgement of my sister's death?

[DrSeuss]

Reality check because I have a horror of entitled people and try never to be one.

My sister died last week. She was found dead in her home in Manchester by the police following her work colleagues becoming worried when she didn't show up for her shift. There has to be an autopsy as the cause of death is unclear. Other than it seems to have been natural causes of some kind. We do not know when the autopsy will be, when we will have a death certificate and so can plan nothing. The police changed the locks after forcing the door, which was great as I was worried that the house was not secure, but cannot release the keys till there is a death certificate. I was informed of her death by a policeman at my door, who was also very kind. I immediately phoned my oldest friends, who live near her home, to tell them what had happened, as I thought I might need then help at some point since I live three hours away.

After a few days, when I felt able to do so, I posted on Facebook as this seemed a straightforward way to inform my friends, colleagues and husband's family without me having to ring, repeatedly go over the story a and repeatedly get upset. One post, one lot of tears, seemed easier. A number of people posted brief messages of condolence, which was nice.I

Since then, crickets. The friend to who I sent flowers when she received a serious medical diagnosis, then flowers when she had surgery, then several gifts to cheer her up during her recovery has not even sent a card, a week later. The relative to whom I sent flowers when her much loved cat died(she without partner or children so that cat was everything to her) and whose birthday I always remember didn't even call or send a card. I know that people are biscuit so am I and I manage to acknowledge people's life events, especially the sad ones. A Facebook comment takes seconds, is that really all I'm worth?

It's not about the money. I don't need flowers or gifts. A call or a letter would do. Just something to show that they care.

I am seriously going to scale back on how much attention I give to other people. I say this every so often after my birthday goes without acknowledgement when I remember other people's or similar things.

AIBU to be upset that I don't rate a single card, call or anything? How should I proceed?

I get it OP. I had a heart attack last week and it’s the so called friends that I had bent over backwards to be there for that have been most conspicuous by their silence. I’ve been really moved by people I hardly know that have reached out but it’s the ones that I have done the most for that have made it clear to me that the kindness and friendship was only ever one way. I won’t be picking up the phone at midnight next time they have a crisis again put it that way. I’m so sorry about your sister, you must be absolutely devastated and to be let down by those you care about right now is appalling. Take as much time as you need to process what’s happened and don’t feel bad for only giving fucks to those who give them back from now on. Big hugs to you and I hope you get some answers soon.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the circumstances which must be incredibly difficult. What I would say is - and it’s not an excuse - people find death hard - they don’t know how to act or what to say in case it’s the wrong thing. In many cases it brings back memories for them as well and they don’t want to cause more pain. I’ve recently had experience with a school mom who lost her husband in circumstances very similar to your sister’s the other parents were at a loss as to what to say/how to act in the playground I had many ask me what they should say or if they had said the wrong thing as they felt so very awkward addressing the death. In a
roundabout way I suppose I’m saying it’s them not you and in many cases it won’t be a deliberate attempt on their part to hurt you it will be that they just don’t know what to say/do. I hope the next few weeks go as easily as they can for you and your family.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a brother or sister is really hard. It sounds like you've come up with a good way to honour her preferences.

If you only posted on FB, a lot of people might not have seen it. I personally don't have FB, nor do my kids and I don't know very many people who still use it. If you're sure the friends and acquaintances who haven't done anything or even expressed sympathy know about her death, yes, pull back. Match their energy.

I'm sorry for your tragic loss OP.

Some of these people you had so much time for when they needed it must be very self-centred to not reciprocate now.
I do think the rise in individualism and the attitude of some people that social conventions are old-fashioned and unnecessary contribute to the lack of acknowledgement of what you are going through.

The funeral you are planning sounds excellent and very much in keeping with your sister's tastes and personality. Non-religious celebrants do a wonderful job.

Look after yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss @DrSeuss that must have been such a shock for you.

People are odd around deaths. I had the same when a very close relative died suddenly and unexpectedly. Didn’t see a couple of people I would have said were good friends for dust after the “I’m so sorry” messages. Friends who I sent cards to / flowers to etc. I get messages now and again from them with we must meet up messages but we haven’t met up and we won’t be. One friend never even mentioned it. Not once. Very, very odd. I get that it’s hard and people don’t know what to say but at least say something / check in on people.
As a previous poster said, match their energy.

I am so sorry for your loss. I also experienced the sudden loss of my sister so understand how painful it is.

Your family and friends sound incredibly selfish not to have properly acknowledged your grief. Even if they can’t afford a condolence card or gift it is easy to offer time, companionship, cook a meal, ask if you need anything. These are the basics I would do as well as send a gift.

One thing I did notice is that people don’t rate sibling grief as significant. They would ask how my poor mum was rather than how I was. I understand losing a child is devastating at any age but so is losing a sibling. A person you’ve known and loved your entire life.

You sound like a kind, compassionate person and don’t let the mean selfishness of others eradicate that part of you.

I hope you can take the time you need to grieve and heal and that you have someone in your life who treats you as you should be treated in this awful circumstance. ❤️

I'm so sorry about your sister and that people have let you down. There's no excuse for the behaviour you've described.

I think your funeral plan sounds like a fantastic tribute to your sister.

One thing I did notice is that people don’t rate sibling grief as significant. They would ask how my poor mum was rather than how I was. I understand losing a child is devastating at any age but so is losing a sibling. A person you’ve known and loved your entire life.

This was the conclusion I reached after I lost my sibling too. I felt very very alone. So many people acted like nothing had happened and she never existed but those same people were supportive when my parents died. Nobody sent me a card or flowers when my sister died, but they did for my parents. It was very hard to compute why people ignored one very close bereavement but not others. I see people differently now.

I find it impossible to understand how anyone could think a sad face emoji and nothing more is an adequate or acceptable response to a bereavement.

Thank you all for your support, kind words, encouraging comments regarding funeral choices and general confirmation that I'm not being ridiculous! ❤
We discovered last night that the relative who received flowers from me when her cat died texted my fourteen year old daughter a couple of days ago. The message was definitely for my daughter not me, as it refers Tony sister as her aunt. Why contact my daughter and not me? No idea! My daughter didn't mention it as she assumed I had messages of my own frontier relative. It was only when she heard me talking to DH that she realised I did not.

Weird but true!

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

For me, if it was a Facebook friend/acquaintance, then I'd probably follow up with a DM to check in on them, but I definitely wouldn't send flowers or a card.

If it was a close friend, we'd be in regular communication anyway, and I'd want to send/give them a card or something to say I'm thinking of them. If you're talking about close friends, I'm assuming you chat via text/messenger/WhatsApp etc, so is it literally that they haven't sent a card?

I think it's lovely that you send people flowers or something to say you're thinking of them, you sound like a thoughtful friend. Not everyone is like that though.

❤️ I don't buy into people not knowing how to deal with grief; to me, that's a cop out. When you feel your thoughtfulness isn't reciprocated, it can feel like entitlement. That's what we are made to believe. You don't need anyone to validate your reaction. I agree with you on matching the energy x

I'm sorry but this is insane
There has never been a period in history when it was normal for the deceased family to individually write to everyone they know to tell them the news - for the very good reason (which OP literally specified as her reason for using fb) that it's time consuming and emotionally draining at a time when you're already upset, tired and busy.

I have no idea what you mean by bereavement notices but assume you mean something like a post in a newspaper. How many people read paper newspapers in 2025? A fb post is just the updated (and better because it will reach a more targeted audience) version of that. Its not "casual" it's practical.

I recently had 2 bereavements in 10 days. I received some emails and texts and I think that's fine.

I didn't expect cards or calls. And I wouldn’t send them or make calls either. I'd send a text or message saying so sorry, let me know if there's anything you need and leave it at that.

I am sorry for your loss.

But your choices to do things for other people were exactly that. Your past kind gestures do not create an obligation for the recipients.

Many people are absolutely shit around bereavement, so much so that this extremely common phenomenon of essentially being abandoned in your hour of need is sometimes described as a secondary loss on top of the bereavement itself.

I imagine that this happened less in the past, or happens less in smaller, closer communities where everyone pulls together.

i think there is no excuse. Facebook is a fully normal way to announce a death, but a comment is not enough by way of response from anyone who is more than a passing acquaintance. I wouldn’t be matching anyone’s energy, I’d be dumping them - unless by doing so you’d be making yourself even more lonely in the future eg by cutting off close family. In this case maybe better to just try to rise above it in time.

Grief is lonely, and sibling bereavement can be extremely lonely as it’s less visible and recognised. Yet a sibling relationship should by rights be the longest relationship of our life - from childhood through into old age.

i think your DSis’ funeral sounds wonderful and i hope it will be a beautiful occasion to remember your DSis and all the love and life you have shared.

Nope
when my dad died last year, we wrote a standard one size fits all, deaths notice about his death, illness etc. we mentioned a little about his life, and family. We included a nice picture of him. We also mentioned funeral arrangements,ents (which were private cremation and then celebration of life) . We gave email address to anyone who did want to come to celebration. We printed off multiple copies . Done in power point. We then circulated to other siblings and when we were all happy printed out
we then posted them , old school with stamps to everyone in his address book. (That was still alive themselves)
same as you would go through your address book to send Xmas cards! Not difficult or time consuming. We had 3 of us writing addresss on envolopes and took about 30 mins

But I do readily admit that my generation still uses old school post, just like HMRC, governement and banks when you want someone to actually realise it is serious.

It was absolutely the standard before telephones and social media.

How else were people communicating the news?

There was even black-edged stationery for sale for people to use to convey the news.

That's how people knew to be prepared for bad news, a black-edged envelope.

In the 19th century.

My Grandma just died aged 92. She was widowed at 24 in 1957. She, or other family members had to write to family not living in the local area and therefore not hearing the news.

It was absolutely normal even up till 70 years ago.

The funeral you are planning seems a perfect tribute to your sister, a true celebration of her

I hope people show up for you both more, but you are doing her proud

Hi @DrSeuss
Had to post as I've been where you are but a few years ago now. Firstly I'm so sorry for your sisters death it's a terrible loss and one that's really underestimated by everyone. Everyone asks how your parents are or your nieces/ nephews if you have them and no one actually asks how you are, it's horrible.
Secondly I had exactly the same experience, i thought peoplewould reach out but they really didn't. I only received texts from people I directly messaged and then I didn't feel they made a big effort. I summoned up the nerve to text a few people on the day on the funeral since in my case my sister had been ill so people knew she was 'dying' but not that she had died. I got some responses but not a lot.
What i would say is i felt absolutely furious about this at the time. So hurt and angry and disappointed. In hindsight I can see that very few people have really gone through a big loss (30s at the time), and even those that have probably haven't lost a sibling. Unless they have they really don't have any idea what you're dealing with and they just don't understand and don't know what to say.
On the other hand there were three or four people who made an effort in one way or another (only one friend really made an effort to text and call regularly- but one is enough if you can find that one. But one, when I mentioned it agreed to go on a trip during that first horrible year which was lovely, one very old friend called me out of the blue when she heard a few months later) so keep your eyes out for these people who do step up they might not do it immediately but I bet there will be one or two.

The other thing is just bide your time. It's fine and fair to feel angry right now but it will fade i promise. It's mostly the grief that makes you feel that way, once you have some (a lot) of time and perspective it won't feel so painful and cutting any more and you can still value those friendships for what they do offer.

Finally, are you typically good at asking for help? I think I'm very much one of life's copers and people see me as getting on and being ok and not someone who might be struggling as I don't really show that. I think i have to make peace with, if I'm not good at sharing it or being vulnerable, people might not react to me that way either. It's really tough!
If you want to PM me feel free, it's very hard if you don't know anyone who's been through something similar.

Best of luck with the funeral arrangements and getting through that day.

I am so sorry this has happened to your sister and to you. Sending genuine condolences.

Sadly, a lot of people can be awful cowards, especially when dealing with an unexpected death.
So shocking if you have supported them in their times of need.

A friend of mine lived in a village and had lifelong friends. Sadly, she lost her two year old and the same people were actually crossing the road to avoid her.

I am telling you that story to show it’s about them and how they cope. The lack of reaction isn’t about you or how liked etc you are.
I don’t know if that helps at all though.

Also, be aware that when in shock of grief people often focus on anger as a more straight forward emotion.
If you can I would try to be very kind to yourself. Maybe, turn loving thoughts inward to yourself and sister and don’t waste energy on angry thoughts towards people who have let you down.

Again, I am so very sorry for your loss