AIBU to expect some acknowledgement of my sister's death?

[DrSeuss]

Reality check because I have a horror of entitled people and try never to be one.

My sister died last week. She was found dead in her home in Manchester by the police following her work colleagues becoming worried when she didn't show up for her shift. There has to be an autopsy as the cause of death is unclear. Other than it seems to have been natural causes of some kind. We do not know when the autopsy will be, when we will have a death certificate and so can plan nothing. The police changed the locks after forcing the door, which was great as I was worried that the house was not secure, but cannot release the keys till there is a death certificate. I was informed of her death by a policeman at my door, who was also very kind. I immediately phoned my oldest friends, who live near her home, to tell them what had happened, as I thought I might need then help at some point since I live three hours away.

After a few days, when I felt able to do so, I posted on Facebook as this seemed a straightforward way to inform my friends, colleagues and husband's family without me having to ring, repeatedly go over the story a and repeatedly get upset. One post, one lot of tears, seemed easier. A number of people posted brief messages of condolence, which was nice.I

Since then, crickets. The friend to who I sent flowers when she received a serious medical diagnosis, then flowers when she had surgery, then several gifts to cheer her up during her recovery has not even sent a card, a week later. The relative to whom I sent flowers when her much loved cat died(she without partner or children so that cat was everything to her) and whose birthday I always remember didn't even call or send a card. I know that people are biscuit so am I and I manage to acknowledge people's life events, especially the sad ones. A Facebook comment takes seconds, is that really all I'm worth?

It's not about the money. I don't need flowers or gifts. A call or a letter would do. Just something to show that they care.

I am seriously going to scale back on how much attention I give to other people. I say this every so often after my birthday goes without acknowledgement when I remember other people's or similar things.

AIBU to be upset that I don't rate a single card, call or anything? How should I proceed?

Seriously, people saying people don't know what to do/say, sending a card or text saying 'thinking of you' is not difficult.
I don't know what to say but always send a condolences card.
And they could have taken a cue from the OP and did what she did for them previously
I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost a relative in a similar way and it is so shocking

Thank you all for for your support.

The mass Facebook post said that she died suddenly (no date, we don't even have a date of death at present, and honestly just seemed the least painful way of informing lots of people.

I’d contact your closest friends, tell them how you’re and ask for the support you need, rather than write them off as uncaring.

I agree. Reach out and at least then they will know that you do want to talk and could use some support. I hadn't thought of it but pp are right that people may have interpreted the FB announcement as being a distancing signal.

I hope some friends will get the message but if not you know never to go out if your way for them in future.

I don't want their support if it has to be dragged out of them. If you don't know what to say, that's why they make condolence cards with pre printed messages. A simple text saying that they are thinking of me would do.

I may change my mind, I have done previously following similar lack of any interest from people I have gone out of my way to support, but I feel this may be a permanent change in some cases.

I am from a non-Brit culture.

Very easy to say:
So sorry for your loss
Thinking of you
Can I do anything
How are his family
Would you like to talk about him

Afraid people are very self absorbed these days.

OP I am so very sorry.
People let us down. Absolutely. And when you are an empathetic, caring soul, as you seem to be, it cuts very deep.
My go to is blasting out Simon and Garfunkel I Am A Rock. Regrouping, and distancing myself from those who have let me down. It is then in MY control of if I let them back in.
From a total stranger on the net, I am so very sorry for your tragic loss, and the trauma surrounding it. Please ensure that you seek bereavement counselling and take time to grieve.
Would you like to tell us all some things about your sister? 💐

It makes sense and of course you are not obligated to give people the benefit of the doubt! You're also the wronged party here and do not need to be making allowances that you do not have the emotional resources or the will to make. I think people are just advising caution so that you don't potentially burn too many bridges at this really awful time. You're right, you can change your mind at any point.💐

YANBU

I’m so sorry for your loss, how devastating

Hmm I wonder if the mode of communication is a contributing issue here. I use fb to post holiday photos but I don’t log in every week, maybe login once every few weeks at most.

My fb feed also discards lots of posts from friends that I would have been interested in seeing.

If I had seen your post, I might have assumed that this form of communication (remote and quite impersonal) means that there is more to the nature of the death, and you maybe didn’t want any contact from me in the early days. So I may well have left it for a time before connecting with you.

It’s also more of a task to get a card and stamp these days, stamps used to be in our purse / kitchen drawer but now it involves a trip to a shop, queue etc. That’s not an excuse, just might be a contributing factor.

When my loved ones have died (and all the elders have now gone), I called one person from each side of the family that I knew best, and
asked them to cascade it onwards.

It’s not that there is a right way to communicate death and loss, it’s just a more British way I think.

Bereavemebt is shit. A confusing and adrenaline filled dazed nightmare. It’s easy to focus your anger on this kind of issue when you’re stuck waiting for a death certificate as you’re in a pretty helpless spot. I don’t think it means that all the non responders don’t give a monkeys, more that they are remote to the emotions, have a ton of first world stuff going on, thought they’d come back to it / drop you a message, and it just hasn’t happened yet.

Do you have a funeral director yet to help support and guide you through this all? I can’t recall if you need the DC to start the conversations.

Going forward, I would just match their energy. Don't put yourself out for them any more. Their behaviour is unacceptable and upsetting. I'm very sorry for your loss.

of course YANBU
Yes, don't assume everyone on your Fb would have seen it, but as you've repeated multiple times now, those people who clearly have seen it because they reacted with a sad face and vague 'thinking of you' message, could do more - not your random colleagues but friends, family members etc., particularly those whom you've supported in their grief.

'Not knowing what to say' isn't an excuse - you don't have to say anything, send flowers and/or a card with a message already inside. Google 'what to say after a bereavement,' or literally just say 'I'm so sorry.' Literally anything is better than nothing.

Yanbu, it’s awful of your friend who went through surgery and you proved to be a very good friend. I would immediately cool a lot of your generosity to everyone.

so sorry for your loss, no excuse for people to not check in especially as you have really gone out of your way to support them.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

There may be a chance that people read something into the tone of your Facebook post or that they're not sure how you're feeling as you didn't tell them directly. If I learnt about a close friend's tragedy through a FB post I might feel like we're not as close as I thought because they didn't message me about it, and I has been grouped in with online acquaintances. But I'm not sure why I'm playing devil's advocate because I would then send a text or flowers (probably not a card as most communication is digital these days). I'm sorry it seems like people don't care, losing someone can be confusing and lonely and I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect people to reach out

To tell you a little more, it will be a non religious service with the theme of her favourite Disney character. Some people will find it odd or even in poor taste but I don't care. She was an absolute atheist, studied science at university and disliked all religion. I am an Anglican and would never choose this for myself but it's supposed to reflect her, not me. There will be a reception with a buffet of her favourite food and her memory will be toasted in her favourite single malt. No flowers, just a character plush on top of the coffin, which will be cardboard. Music will be from her favourite films.

She suffered through both of my parent's very traditional C of E services despite thinking it was all bollocks. I don't see any reason to enforce religion in an atheist or traditional things in someone who wasn't traditional.
Technically, I work for the C of E but that's me, not her. Oh, and dress will be informal with character t shirts welcome. I plan to wear a dress in a fabric covered in her favourite characters.

Anyone among the family or friends who is shocked can bite me!

I think doing a mass Fb post has also probably impacted the responses. I mean, I get entirely why you did it, and why you couldn’t face phoning people, but it’s a distancing way of communicating the news, and possibly suggests to them (especially in the context of sudden death, police break-in, no death certificate, autopsy, all ongoing upset for you etc) that you don’t want to talk, wouldn’t welcome a phone call, and are probably busy dealing with the logistics of an ‘unusual’ death.

@DrSeuss I am inclined to agree with @SeaFloor's comments I've quoted above. Unfortunately in this brave new world of 24/7 Social media, a lot of people use it instead of other methods of communication. It's seen as a replacement for other methods of communication, and not as an addition to them. Most (if not all) people who have seen your post, will consider that they have given their condolences to you over FB.

This, almost certainly also applies to your close friend and your relative in particular. They might have expected you to phone them with the news, and when they found the post on FB, may very well have thought you weren't up to talking about it.

I am so sorry for your loss, and having to deal with the very sad circumstances surrounding that loss. I hope you can get the death certificate soon.

I am so sorry for your loss and the circumstances in particular make it even sadder.

I find in situations like this (my dad passed away a year ago) that people can really let you down. I also always think of the things I’ve done and find it hurtful I’m not treated the same way.

i think some of it comes from a sense of awkwardness. People try and avoid these situations at times. It’s no excuse at all and you are not being unreasonable.

I'm sorry about your sister. I understand too that you are upset and probably angry about it and looking for " something to blame" ( we all do it ) . Some people don't know what to say and I can see why people might be a bit uncertain about saying something. I would have sent a personal message as opposed to posting a reply on FB. Is there any chance that people know the circumstances you have explained and may not want to appear nosy or a ghoul ?

I am not angry because of grief. I am not looking for something to blame. I am hurt that people for whom I have taken a lots of time can't be bothered to even text. I'm not looking for a Shakespearean sonnet I am sad that no one cares enough to even send a pre printed card.
Suffice it to say that Christmas will look a little different this year.

Condolences on your loss and what tragic circumstances.
I've found C.S Lewis's A Grief observed really helpful to dip into.He makes some helpful observations.
"An odd by-product of my loss is that I’m aware of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet. At work, at the club, in the street, I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll ‘say something about it’ or not. I hate it if they do, and if they don’t."

People deal with things differently; some, like yourself, seem very proactive in offering and benefiting from support. Others, like myself, are the opposite - I like space and time to heal and would feel the above a little intrusive. I would also wait a bit to say something to others or offer practical help for the same reason. Others will sit somewhere in between.

There are no hard and fast rules, OP. Try not to take it personally, concentrate on yourself, take care and sorry for your loss.

What an absolutely lovely celebration of your sister and her life! I love how it's focussed on her, on her tastes, beliefs, and loves, as it should be. It should give you great comfort, knowing how much your sister would have liked it in her name and memory, respecting her rather than catering to what is 'expected'. Bugger anybody else, this is about your sister. And you and other members of her family!

You’re right to be annoyed. I always send flowers or a suitable gift when a friend has a bereavement. My friend died recently and I received several bouquets / photos. I really would scale back your friendships if they cannot acknowledge such a devastating loss.

I'm sorry for your loss. I would always send at least a card so I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect some acknowledgement from people. It's really the least they can do.

Sorry for the loss of your sister 💐. She sounds like she was a real character.
There is no excuse for people not responding to your Facebook post. It is so easy to do, no awkwardness of speaking with you or fear of saying the wrong thing. If anyone is unsure of what to say they can copy or amend slightly what someone else has said. It is the simplest and easiest way to sympathise with you.
You should pull back from those people who have not interacted. Don't waste any more time or put effort into gift buying, remembering birthdays or sending cards. Hope you have a supportive network around you. Tough days ahead. Take care.

I am so sorry for your loss. It’s terrible that people who you have been kind to can’t take the time to pick up the phone, send a sympathy card. I would def think about how you treat them in the future.