To think someone's sexual predilections reflects on their broader character?

[MonTuesWeds]

Just that really. I feel like I came of age in a time when we were encouraged to believe that someone's 'intimate preferences' were just that, and that they were completely isolated from that persons wider self and personality. I just don't think that's true though. I suppose I'm wondering two things here, firstly if IABU I'm thinking this now but secondly - am I the only one who has felt the pressure not to judge someone on what 'they're into' providing it was always fully consensual.

I have a feeling the poster was being tongue in cheek to make their point - (although clearly not cock in cheek given their stated position… 🫨🍆)

Depends.on the kink.

What if you like the fact that your partner gets off on being hurt? Like the fetish is DP’s pleasure, but DP is a masochist?

To answer op directly- yes I do, I think every like/dislike we have spills over into character. I think it shapes how we think about ourselves and others which then influences our behaviours. However, add on socialisation and its inherent rules, we learn when we can and can’t do certain things. Or at least we should.

I think lately we have seen this social contract shift into one which celebrates, even encourages, free expression which can compromise societal dignity and respect, and ultimately safeguarding. This has lead the way for some people (mainly men) to become vocally and physically hostile. However, I think these men and their sense of entitlements were always there, society has just allowed it to thrive.

There we go, the ol' genital-checking fetish.

You tell on yourselves every time.

…, OK we’ll leave it that way “People in thrall to [their] kink will defend anything, up to an including murder so as to legitimize it.”

It isn’t that long ago that society could recognize that people who get off on strangling others were extremely dangerous people who should be in prison, and who are not anyone you would want a loved one to encounter. To be blunt -it is not just disgusting, it is callous, it is terrifying, it is warped that there are people who like to strangle.
Your kink has made you blind to danger, it has made you lose your moral compass- that says a lot about your character.

I agree, OP. Everything we do, feel and like builds our character - why is there this bizarre belief that sex is completely in a vacuum and has no impact on how we conduct ourselves and our relationships? How much it does I guess depends on the individual and the kink.

And it’s precisely the nature of ‘transgressing’ that makes something a kink. It wouldn’t be one otherwise. But a lot of the ‘kinks’ being discussed here are examples of paraphilia - voyeurism, sadism, sexual masochism, etc. Calling them terms like ‘choking’ doesn’t lessen what they really are.

I don’t believe any man* who gets off from strangling his partner (even if she begs him to do it) doesn’t have questionable views about women. Even if he’s not shouting them from the rooftops, he still thinks his orgasm is worth more than her health (or potentially life).

*yes, men, because it’s predominantly them who do it and it’s an entirely different ball game with a man causing harm to women (not that I think that’s okay, either) - I’m not sure I know of any deaths or life-long harm to a man from a woman from choking.

Of course it does! We are human!

this is why so many feel shame at their odd kinks.

Because one is an expression of love and a affection and the other is simulated abuse. And clearly it does impact lives - would this thread be so full of women who believed they enjoyed pain and humiliation 40 years ago? It would not, because these preferences are largely conditioned by our environment, by the society we find ourselves in - it might be private acts by consenting adults, but increasingly the statistics show that women are encountering men who automatically assume they want sex to look like abuse. So, this radical individualism in the bedroom doesn't look so individual afterall when there is a measurable ratcheting of expectations when it comes to what "normal" or "pleasureable" sex looks like, the normalisation of disordered sexual expression and the idea that we have no control over our desires. We do. We've just lost, culturally, any sense that some things are bad for us.

I have to agree with every word of this, you’ve put this perfectly. It’s not to say that all kinks are inherently wrong or that anybody who engages in them is an all out bad person, but they come from somewhere - the same as every single human preference ever.

I knew a man once who told me that although he would never act on it, he had fantasies of rape and used to imagine that when he and his partner were having consensual sex, he was raping her. Could that be considered acceptable? I don’t think so. It shows contempt for women and a fantasy that if rape were legal, he would see no issue. Why is strangling much different? Both are about power.

It’s one thing if your partner asks to be strangled or have pain inflicted during sex, it’s another if the other partner actively fantasises and enjoys carrying it out.

Kinks are mainly just a way for people to explore those sides of their personalities that they can’t show to the rest of the world and it allows them to be released privately and in a more socially acceptable way, I suppose

I find it frightening because if the move towards kinks and risky sex is normalised, this is the world that our children will go into, and (for girls and women in particular) it is extremely dangerous. Being hit and ‘choked’ in any other situation is abuse. I expect that early sexual encounters (real or what people see/ hear when young and impressionable) will nearly always impact how they feel and experience pleasure/ pain. And social norms, the influence of porn, what is shown in the media, tv, music videos, the internet is changing. Dramatically. That is a fact.
I don’t think it is liberating to what to hurt or humiliate someone, ever, and that includes in the bedroom.
I wonder - how are one night stands different now to 10 or 20 years ago? What is considered normal or acceptable? If that is changing then what happens in the bedroom is not private but is a question of ethics because it spills out across society more broadly, and we can see in real time how what people ‘like’ is changing. It IS frightening, but I don’t think that (for many) it means you are a bad person but rather a cog in the machine that’s being turned/ manipulated/ moulded by social influences, cultural norms etc. We think we have free will but we really don’t, not entirely.

Ah yes boxing where participants are carefully separated into weight categories to increase safety, wear protective gear, have a referee to ensure fairness along with a clearly defined amount of time to engage in the activity.

Oh-so-similar to feederism where one participant gets a sexual thrill from the other constantly gaining weight, becoming increasingly dependent on their 'caregiver', suffering more and more health issues until potentially bedbound and immobile, and in a situation that is very difficult to leave or get out of.

Tbh I find your comparison so disingenuous that it is clear that you are arguing in bad faith. I won't be replying to any further posts.

Agree with OP, in part. Our kinks are a window into what goes deep inside. But I think being able to keep "play" and "real life" separate is a sign of being well adjusted.

However, I also think some kinks are red flags, like age play, or degrading and humiliation. Or anything too extreme (of course, the line of "extreme" is different for each person).

Hey PP 😊..
I hope people take on board what you have to say ..
All the posts on this thread & yours being my favourite , honest & truthful .. x

I think there’s a massive difference(and a very fine balance to keep) between saying people with kinks are all abnormal, weirdos, perverts, harmful and toxic and not wanting kink to be part of the mainstream.

If it weren't weird, perverted and harmful then there would be no objection to it being in the mainstream.

I hate hearing people say “don’t kink shame me” or whatever. Some kinks SHOULD be shamed.

Oh fuck off with that ridiculous statement 🤣🤣

I love giving a man oral sex. And I’m definitely not what you’ve described. What awful experience has made you feel that way???

Hey, I enjoy sucking a penis immensely, that in itself helps me orgasm. However, my DH always ensures I come before he does. Enjoying oral does not mean a woman doesn’t get to orgasm FFS.

You're the one deciding who is a man based off anonymous posts

And being hit is not degrading but putting your partner’s dick in your mouth is? Ok…

Do you enjoy receiving oral? Is that not degrading to your partner, in your view?

Plenty of people still object to being gay being in mainstream(nevermind in the past). Is that weird, perverted and harmful? Was it actually 50 years ago ?

Don’t forget OP sees anything outside basic PIV sex as an “expression of love” as not quite right.

Just like the noises someone makes when you give them oral then 😂

Have I "defended anything"?

Because I'm pretty sure I, and others, have stated time and time again that consent is key and that anyone using kink as a front for abuse etc is not "someone with a kink" but an abuser

There are plenty of completely legitimate hobbies which can accidentally result in someone's death if not practiced safely or if an accident occurs. You don't go around calling all of them morally corrupt...

Death by strangulation during sex is called "death by misadventure" and has been so for a while.

You really cannot tell if someone is a "dangerous person" just because they like some extreme kinks. It's called prejudice

They feel shame because narrow minded and judgemental witches like those on this thread tell them they should feel ashamed and that they are abnormal