Loud Child in Church

[Difficile]

We go to a child friendly Church, with lots of families including Ben and his four children. Three of the four go into kid's groups, but the youngest (2), refuses to leave her Dad and wants to stay in the service.

Fine.

Except, Ben then doesn't parent his daughter, Abby, he leaves her to (usually female) friends in the congregation to cope with. Last time he left Abby with her godmother, Jane, who is lovely, but has 3 small children of her own, including twins (3) and a small baby, and her husband took all their kids to the Sunday School, including the baby, to give her a break for an hour.

Abby is very boisterous, loud, and she wants to be played with throughout the service. Jane tried her best to keep Abby quiet, but Ben doesn't bring anything with him to entertain her or feed her (I have also looked after her one week), and try as she might to tell Abby to be quiet it made absolutely no difference.

Jane was clearly embarrassed and flustered, but Ben seemed to be studiously ignoring the fact that Abby was disrupting half the Church. Jane is very quiet and won't say anything about this herself, but she mentioned to me that she felt guilty and upset after last week as she knew how loud Abby had been.

WIBU to say something to Ben this week about essentially using friends as free childcare, and ask that he takes Abby out when she's making too much noise?

Whatever happened to "suffer ye little children unto the Lord?"
I'm surprised the Sunday School even takes children that young, ours doesn't, because they're not known for being good at being away from their parents.
Does Jane actually have a problem with the setup or is she one of those martyr types who likes to be put upon but actually rushes to "help"? It's a bit two faced of her not to say if she really has a problem.
Why is this your problem to solve OP?

Agree with this. We have to welcome families in all forms and take the rough with the smooth.

And frankly I think playing with toys and eating in church is not on - child friendly if not unless it’s a service of over a couple hours. Children should be learning how to behave properly in the environment they are in.

This attitude is what is harming some churches

Embrace that children are children and need to play, not sit still for just over an hour with no stimulation. Be welcoming to families

It's amazing how much difference it makes

Yes we have similar in one of the side aisles. Lots of books, stories, stickers colouring, pens crayons, puzzles & jigsaws for different ages etc. Dolls house, play kitchen, car garage toys. Foam blocks in different shapes - similar to wooden ones except no noise when they fall over - brilliant! Really great resource and I've noticed not all churches have areas like this.

This is the "children's area" and most families sit there so there are things to entertain the kids if they're too small for Sunday school (or unwilling to leave a parent) or when there are no children groups in the holidays.

But ultimately it does rely on the parent quietly playing with or supervising appropriate play during the service and yes this usually means not being able to concentrate on the sermon. Sometimes I have to exit into the hall during the sermon with my preschooler when there's no children's groups on, to give him a runaround. That's parenting. This chap needs to parent his child and failing to do so is selfish imo. Any screaming and screeching would get 1 warning and then removal from church followed by forfeit of biscuit after the service.

I missed that this little child has lost her mother - how awful. Of course she doesn't want to leave her daddy to go to Sunday school. Mine didn't leave me till they were in reception year and they hadn't suffered any trauma in their young lives.
The need for active parenting during that 45 mins - 1 hour doesn't go away, though.

I’m not suggesting the situation is right or wrong — just observing how differently it might be perceived if the roles were reversed.

Picture this: a single mother with four children, the father not involved, attends a family church service — a space meant to be inclusive, supportive, and rooted in community. Three of her children head off happily to Sunday School. For several weeks, she’s been doing her best to help her youngest settle, without success. She takes a seat among close friends — not just any friends, but the child’s godparents, people she’s entrusted with spiritual care in her absence.

This service might be her one quiet moment in the week — a chance to reflect, to pray, to breathe. When her youngest becomes unsettled, one of the godparents steps in, calmly helping without fuss. In that scenario, it’s easy to imagine warm, affirming comments about how well she’s doing, how lucky she is to have a strong “village,” and how the church is fulfilling its role in that support network.

You don’t have to look far in Scripture to find backing for that kind of response. Romans 15:1, 1 Thessalonians 5:14, and Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 all offer clear biblical grounding for stepping in — without hesitation or judgment — when someone is facing a more challenging moment. Especially within a faith community, we’re called to carry one another, not critique from a distance.

And when someone does feel uncomfortable or overstretched, it’s part of their responsibility — particularly in a role like godparent — to express those boundaries clearly and directly. It shouldn’t fall on the struggling parent to preempt someone else’s discomfort.

@Difficile If there are broader concerns about how individuals such as single parents, carers, those ununabke to attend services etc are supported in accessing moments of peace, prayer, and reflection during services, perhaps a quiet conversation with the vicar would be more fruitful. That kind of dialogue could lead to constructive changes — ensuring the church truly serves as a place of sanctuary and shared responsibility.

Context matters. This is a church environment, and the godparent involved isn’t only a spiritual figure in the child’s life — she also has her own partner present for support. That’s not a criticism, just a reflection on how perceptions and expectations can shift depending on the people involved.

Or ..... go to a different service that is not branded as child friendly.

We have a similar situation in my church where a single mother has five children, the youngest of whom has severe developmental delays and can be noisy. I am proud to say that she does not have to ask for help because it so freely offered. Other people love to have her son, and it is now so normal that he will happily go into Sunday school with one of them that he’s grown used to.

I really think this needs to be an opportunity to offer support to Ben, not to tell him to do a better job. Perhaps the godmother could simply take responsibility for Abby on herself, bringing the toys and snacks and enjoying that time with her goddaughter, especially during the sermon.

If it's child friendly to the point that people don't mind disruption, I'm very surprised there aren't any toys.
Our DS has SEN and has always found sitting still and being quiet next to impossible. The first church we went to had toys etc. and we did our utmost to keep the DCs quiet but the toys were in an echoing side chapel.
We went to the "family" 10.30 service. There were also 8 am and 6.30 pm contemplative services. We were asked to "sit in the cafe area during services" where you can't see or hear the services so our DCs noise wouldn't disturb others. No suggestion that people could choose a different style of service if they don't like children's noise.

Luckily we eventually found a much more friendly church which has only about 30 at services but they all know DS, he now rings the bell during communion regularly, has been confirmed, and happily puts up his hand when the vicar asks the children questions.
I'd have killed for someone to take the DCs off my hands in early days but there were two of us so at least we could take turns.

I would say YABU if you expect Abby to be quiet but the church IBU if it doesn't provide any toys or ideally a carpeted area for DCs (easier for the crawlers and quieter too).

A church should be a community or a family and should help each other but that also means helping Jane (apologies if wrong name!) get time to participate in the service as well as Ben - they both clearly need a break. 2 is quite young to go to Sunday School on her own, she won't be as used to it as she is to nursery as it's only once a week.

I think this is on Jane to sort out TBH, if she doesn’t like it she needs to send the child back to dad nicely rather than step in. With 3 kids the sooner Jane finds her big girl pants the better!

Trouble is if rough mean other families leave.
I have always taken my family to church and it's fine with a loud Sunday once in a while but if all Sundays are a nightmare of noise I wouldn't bother go.

Suffer little children to come unto me.

Not me. Him. You know.

Is there a way the sermon can be streamed to the room where the kids are so parents can sit with kids AND hear the service?

Which is why concerns need to be raised with the vicar or wardens

So that solutions can be found

It might be a separate "quiet" service is required for those who want service without excess noise.

It might be creating a children's space within the church so families aren't excluded but which "cushions" the sound

It might be setting up a "quiet space"

It might be streaming the service to a separate hall for the children until they rejoin at a point in the service

But if the people in charge of arranging these aren't told then they can't help...

I have been a church goer all my life and worked in churches.

The vicar and church warden should pick up these things pretty easy and handle them.

Unfortunately some parents with loud children aren't easy to help or settle.

Op stay out of it.
Ben may be really struggling to cope with the loss of his partner and having 4 children to raise.

If Jane is happy to help leave it.

I can't imagine trying to cope with your own grief and that of 4 children including a tot who probably hasn't grasped any of it.

That hour in the church might well be his hour to reflect and think about his own grief.

I wouldn’t pass judgment about him using people for free childcare as it’s likely to make him defensive but I would ask if he could take her outside because she’s distracting the sermon for everyone else - or just ask the pastor to do it, I assume it is their place to speak to members of the congregation who are causing issues during sermons?

Totally agree with 'suffer little children' but this thread is about a lazy man and a two women who feel they can't say anything about it.

I agree, and frankly what use is a church service to a 2 year old? What possible benefit can it be for her to be in the service rather than the Sunday School, and even that unless it offers creche-like care? It seems Ben wants to come to hear the sermon, but doesn't expect Jane to want to hear it too!
If the church wants to run a creche, fine, but 2 is too young even for Sunday School imo. Does the vicar not have any view on all of this?

The man is probably struggling to keep his own head above water.

Wife not on the scene does that mean she walked out or died?

4 kids, the youngest only 2 that means it's probably very new and still very raw.

The norm is to take a loud child or crying baby outside of a church so they don’t disrupt the sermon

But now so many parents go to church just so they get their DC into a local faith school they have no idea that this is what you are meant to do

And instead of complaining about it I would offer to help and take the child outside stating gently but firmly that it’s so the sermon is not disrupted

i would gently suggest he takes the child outside whilst I keep an eye on the other DC

Bizarre? It really isn't strange at all. Many people discreetly have a boiled sweet or a Polo. I've heard some people even eat wafers in church!

We don't have any children that young at our church but I have been there with my dc. My dc1 was the loudest and now he plays the organ so he is allowed to make a noise!

We started off with board books and quiet baby toys, then cars on a mat and colouring. These days the children either read, draw or play on tablets/phones.

No one can expect a 2 year old to sit quietly through a church service. It's not as if she will understand what's going on either. Ben should bring toys to amuse her, snacks and if she's too disruptive take her outside. She's bored, has a short attention span and needs supervising. Parenting his daughter is not other church member's responsibility but his. Being a single parent to 4 young children is tough, regardless of gender, and I absolutely understand he wants/needs a break. However, he can't ignore his parenting duties, and expect others to do it for him. He missed church for 6 weeks, and tried to settle his youngest in Sunday school. 6 weeks is nothing for a child who experiences separation anxiety. He needs to persevere with this, even if it takes 12 weeks or more. At some point his daughter will need to start nursery/pre-school, and he will have to leave her, no matter how upset she may be. No, it's not a nice feeling, as a parent, knowing your child is upset, but it's something she will have to get used too.