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AIBU?

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Original poster

Loud Child in Church

156 replies

Difficile · 31/05/2025 08:26

We go to a child friendly Church, with lots of families including Ben and his four children. Three of the four go into kid's groups, but the youngest (2), refuses to leave her Dad and wants to stay in the service.

Fine.

Except, Ben then doesn't parent his daughter, Abby, he leaves her to (usually female) friends in the congregation to cope with. Last time he left Abby with her godmother, Jane, who is lovely, but has 3 small children of her own, including twins (3) and a small baby, and her husband took all their kids to the Sunday School, including the baby, to give her a break for an hour.

Abby is very boisterous, loud, and she wants to be played with throughout the service. Jane tried her best to keep Abby quiet, but Ben doesn't bring anything with him to entertain her or feed her (I have also looked after her one week), and try as she might to tell Abby to be quiet it made absolutely no difference.

Jane was clearly embarrassed and flustered, but Ben seemed to be studiously ignoring the fact that Abby was disrupting half the Church. Jane is very quiet and won't say anything about this herself, but she mentioned to me that she felt guilty and upset after last week as she knew how loud Abby had been.

WIBU to say something to Ben this week about essentially using friends as free childcare, and ask that he takes Abby out when she's making too much noise?

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 31/05/2025 09:48

Yeh a PP has already mentioned this, but having a couple of bags of toys/colouring in which a member of the church can hand out to the kids who aren't able to go with the other kids. I don't agree with the dad just allowing the kid to do whatever, or other adults having to take over, so this could be a middle ground.
I take toys and snacks, the amount of times another little kid appears and they play together. But it amazes me why other parents don't bring anything to these types of things. It benefits the child and the rest of the community.

YourNextJobCouldBeInCyber · 31/05/2025 09:49

There was a child in church last week squeaking like a guinea pig. It was awful! But you can’t say anything as we have to welcome all. Although it doesn’t feel very inclusive to those of us who find it painful or distressing to hear. I’d wear ear plugs but I play the organ!

ilovesooty · 31/05/2025 09:49

bluebellsandspring · 31/05/2025 09:13

I don't think you can say anything if it is a child friendly service. However, it can be difficult to concentrate if a child is too loud. I'd probably take along rice cakes, bread sticks and sultanas and ask Dad if you can feed them to her during the bits of the service when you want to concentrate.

He should bring his own snacks and distractions.

YourPerfectCousin · 31/05/2025 09:50

Jane needs to go out with the kids and then come back and sit at the back away from Ben.

Ben might be having a hard time but women aren't his emotional support animals.

x2boys · 31/05/2025 09:54

Difficile · 31/05/2025 09:00

To answer, no not the vicar, I only don't want to say anything because I don't want to be interfering.

I don't know exactly why Jane took over, I think because otherwise Abby is completely left to her own devices.

It is child friendly, but they also are encouraging parents to take their children out so they don't disturb people with sensory needs or disabilities.

But those with sensoryl needs and disabilities might be loud themselves
I'm not a regular church goer although brought up RC ,my son is severely autistic non verbal and extremely loud at times
If I was ti take him to church i would hope they would be accepting of him
I dintvthink you can say one group of people are allowed to be loud but another can't be ,it's either inclusive and child friendly or it isn't

comeandhaveteawithme · 31/05/2025 09:56

My church has a play area at the back with a doll's house, mini play shop, building blocks and other bits and pieces at the back. The vicar has young kids of his own that play there with all the other kids in the congregation. Kids can play there while still in view of parents in the pews. I would suggest putting some notices up asking for contributions of old toys or scouring charity shops and making a little play area that Abby and other young kids can use. It could probably be set up by next week.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 31/05/2025 09:57

Well you can’t tell him to, because you aren’t the boss (unless that’s you god??)

But you can say his kid is disturbing people so can he please go with her to Sunday school / bring things to entertain her, and maybe stop dumping her on women in a sexist fashion

x2boys · 31/05/2025 09:59

Readytohealnow · 31/05/2025 09:43

Or just people who wish ti have a bit of peace to pray and reflect. I go ti church just for that! I don’t expect total silence of course, but to hear someone hollering and making a racket is just plain disrespectful.
We have children in church and Sunday School is only once a month. They are kept under control or taken out. They know what’s expected of them a d how to behave. They are a joy to have with us.

Show quote history

Yes but this is a child friendly, inclusive service
For those who want peace and quiet reflection there will be other services more suited to them

Fuzzypinetree · 31/05/2025 09:59

So, he's using church to get a break from parenting his children? If the other ladies are "friends", then it should be possible to talk to him about it and make some suggestions on how to improve the situation. If he's not bringing snacks or toys, suggest that he does. (It's not the friends' job to bring snacks for his kids.) If the snacks and toys don't work anymore, he needs to take her out. Perhaps take her to the Sunday school room. I assume there are toys and things there, too? Do this every time so she gets the idea that it's either play quietly with daddy during the service or go to Sunday school. However, daddy doesn't just get to switch off and not bother during the service. If that's what he wants, then he needs to organise a babysitter outside of church.
She's 2. She'll get more independent as she gets older, and then she might also be happy to stay for Sunday school.
We used to sneak out and climb over the wall and then roam the village by the time I was about 10...

x2boys · 31/05/2025 10:02

comeandhaveteawithme · 31/05/2025 09:56

My church has a play area at the back with a doll's house, mini play shop, building blocks and other bits and pieces at the back. The vicar has young kids of his own that play there with all the other kids in the congregation. Kids can play there while still in view of parents in the pews. I would suggest putting some notices up asking for contributions of old toys or scouring charity shops and making a little play area that Abby and other young kids can use. It could probably be set up by next week.

Edited

Yes I noticed this at the church I used ti go too as a child ,we held my mums funeral there a few months ago and they have made a little play area near the alter,.

bluebellsandspring · 31/05/2025 10:12

It sounds as though it is tough for Ben. I think quiet toys sound like a great idea. I'd avoid cars and dinosaurs. I tried them with my DC and they made up their own loud sound effects. Those magic writing pads where you can draw with a stylus and then lift the page to remove the picture worked well for a few minutes. They are cheap too.

BeachRide · 31/05/2025 10:13

Write an anonymous note to the vicar and ask him/her to have a word with Ben. Make it clear that you're not Jane, just an observer.

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 31/05/2025 10:13

GreenCandleWax · 31/05/2025 09:12

Why does this man expect women to take over looking after his DD?
And why do they do it?

I guess Jane is angling to be the next Mrs Ben. Let's hope she understands what she'd be taking on.

ilovesooty · 31/05/2025 10:15

BeachRide · 31/05/2025 10:13

Write an anonymous note to the vicar and ask him/her to have a word with Ben. Make it clear that you're not Jane, just an observer.

Why would it have to be anonymous?

EggnogNoggin · 31/05/2025 10:20

As a member of the congregation you have 3 real choices:

  • say nothing and put up with it
  • say something to Ben when you are looking after his daughter
  • talk to the vicar or leader.

You'll be called interfering for speaking up on someone else's behalf (because when people who don't have a spine to say something themselves are asked directly "OP says you found it too much last week?" They will lie through their teeth to people please and say it was no trouble. This doesn't work out well for you.

bluebellsandspring · 31/05/2025 10:21

When I was a small child I used to love it when we were late for church and had to sit in the back row. The ladies who sat there used to share their pandrops with me. Looking back, I wonder if it was to keep me quiet. Or maybe they were just polite and sharing their sweets with everyone in the pew.

heavenisaplaceonearth · 31/05/2025 10:21

If Ben was a woman would you all be pandering to this nonsense?

heavenisaplaceonearth · 31/05/2025 10:22

bluebellsandspring · 31/05/2025 10:21

When I was a small child I used to love it when we were late for church and had to sit in the back row. The ladies who sat there used to share their pandrops with me. Looking back, I wonder if it was to keep me quiet. Or maybe they were just polite and sharing their sweets with everyone in the pew.

Eating sweets in church is totally bizarre to me.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 31/05/2025 10:24

Ben is one cheeky beggar. If I was Jane I wouldn’t be engaging with the kid and nor should anyone else, presumably they too, like Ben, have gone to church to hear the sermon not be an unpaid childminder?

bluebellsandspring · 31/05/2025 10:25

If Ben were a woman I'd try to help her too. A church is a community of people and I don't think there is anything wrong in recognising that someone is having a hard time and trying to help out.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 31/05/2025 10:25

bluebellsandspring · 31/05/2025 10:12

It sounds as though it is tough for Ben. I think quiet toys sound like a great idea. I'd avoid cars and dinosaurs. I tried them with my DC and they made up their own loud sound effects. Those magic writing pads where you can draw with a stylus and then lift the page to remove the picture worked well for a few minutes. They are cheap too.

Yes, Ben should try bringing one and entertaining his own child with it.

HuffleMyPuffle · 31/05/2025 10:30

Speak to the vicar or the wardens

You can approach it as "I know we are a family friendly church but Abby's crying is becoming disruptive and I also don't want to be left in charge of child care"

You say she doesn't have any toys etc with her so maybe "could we get some quiet toys for in church for the children who don't want to go into Sunday school? I'm sure we could get them free off FB to watch our budget. And get some snacks available too. Maybe we need to remind people that whilst we are family friendly, we also have to be mindful of other members of the congregation and overly loud children are disruptive"

Or, if Ben doesn't like staying in Sunday School because he misses the sermon (which is fair) suggest the service is broadcast over to the hall with the Sunday School in so he can still hear

Does the Sunday School join the congregation at any point (ours comes over during the Peace to join the congregation for Communion)? If they don't suggest that too

mondaytosunday · 31/05/2025 10:34

Family friendly doesn’t mean a free for all @Viviennemary! Children should still behave. In our church it means the service is more directed towards them, but even if not there is a measure of proper respectful behaviour.
OP unless he’s asked you to look after his child stay out of it, but Jane needs to say NO and tell Ben he needs to take care of his child himself. If the child can’t cope, he should wait until she’s a bit older.
And why all the suggestions in what op can do? is another person Why are they expected to bring snacks and toys for this kid? Is Ben he an idiot? The vivir (or anyone) might suggest it to him but why the heck hasn’t he figured this out? And frankly I think playing with toys and eating in church is not on - child friendly if not unless it’s a service of over a couple hours. Children should be learning how to behave properly in the environment they are in.

MimiGC · 31/05/2025 10:37

A two year old has lost her mother, so of course she will be clinging to her father, she doesn’t understand that he isn’t going to leave her too. Perhaps there is a trusted grandparent who could babysit? Or if not, then Ben should maybe skip church for a while until his tiny daughter is more settled. The older children could presumably still go to the children’s group. How long ago did the mother leave/die?

HuffleMyPuffle · 31/05/2025 10:41

heavenisaplaceonearth · 31/05/2025 10:21

If Ben was a woman would you all be pandering to this nonsense?

What nonsense?

The noisy child?

We have quiet toys, books and colouring in the back of church for ANYONE

We have adults who use the colouring pages because they find it easier to focus if their hands are busy