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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s 40th - not even considered whether I could go

95 replies

User097097 · 30/05/2025 21:11

My DP’s 40th birthday is coming up and I have organised three things for it - a weekend at his best friends, a big lunch with his family and a night in a nice hotel for just the 2 of us, after his mum said not to do a party with his friends. We have a 2 yr old DS and I have arranged childcare for the nights away with our parents, they do a lot for us already with childcare while we work, so this was a push.

Today, we were out and my DP casually says oh I’ve been chatting to ‘friend’ about my birthday and he says we should have a night out for it. So I asked when and he said the weekend just before my birthday. I asked who was going and he said well probably everyone I know, women included.

At this point I asked if he’d thought about whether I would be able to go considering we probably wouldn’t be able to have my parents or his do a third weekend and he hadn’t, he just said I don’t know. I got quite hurt and angry at this that he would have all of his friends at a big night out for his 40th and hadn’t even really thought about whether I would be able to be there, especially after I’d put effort into arranging everything else. I just feel really insignificant.

OP posts:
Backupbatterydown · 30/05/2025 21:13

Can you find a babysitter? It’s a lot for your parents to be doing.

WombatStewForTea · 30/05/2025 21:14

Out of interest why did you listen to his mum about not doing a party? And can she babysit?

Chickenhorse · 30/05/2025 21:15

I voted Yabu but only because he is a man and I think he gave no thought to the childcare situation, (I expect you always organise it), so I believe he wanted you there just thought the magic childcare fairy would organise it.

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 30/05/2025 21:15

Could his Mum help?

pikkumyy77 · 30/05/2025 21:16

Backupbatterydown · 30/05/2025 21:13

Can you find a babysitter? It’s a lot for your parents to be doing.

Thats not really the issue.

Chickenhorse · 30/05/2025 21:16

Ask his mum to babysit again as she was the one who stopped you arranging a party in the first place.

Kath85 · 30/05/2025 21:17

He probably just got carried away when chatting to his friend. I would let it go and ask him to arrange a babysitter

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 30/05/2025 21:17

Can you cancel the hotel night and use that babysitter for a friends night out instead?

FloraBotticelli · 30/05/2025 21:19

Why have you jumped to feeling insignificant? Have you asked him if that’s what he really intended when he broached the idea with you? Sounds like maybe he just hadn’t reached thinking about practicalities in his mind yet?

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 30/05/2025 21:19

He is allowed to celebrate his 40th birthday with his friends. Unfortunately if you have no childcare you can't go, that's not his fault, it is just the season of life you're in right now. You could hire a babysitter for the evening if you wanted to go, if you were my friend I would absolutely babysit for you. But don't make him feel bad about it, its nobodies fault & if you have a big celebration you'll be able to celebrate with your friends too.

PullTheBricksDown · 30/05/2025 21:20

Chickenhorse · 30/05/2025 21:15

I voted Yabu but only because he is a man and I think he gave no thought to the childcare situation, (I expect you always organise it), so I believe he wanted you there just thought the magic childcare fairy would organise it.

Is this the case? I can also believe it. The lesson then is to make sure it's not just you sorting all this in future. And to make sure you get weekends away and nights out at the same frequency he does.

Are you going on the weekend at his friend's, so with the night in a hotel that makes two overnights away? Where would this proposed night out with friends be? If it's local could you (both) sort a babysitter so you can also go out, but you are both home again at the end of the night?

Chickenhorse · 30/05/2025 21:27

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 30/05/2025 21:19

He is allowed to celebrate his 40th birthday with his friends. Unfortunately if you have no childcare you can't go, that's not his fault, it is just the season of life you're in right now. You could hire a babysitter for the evening if you wanted to go, if you were my friend I would absolutely babysit for you. But don't make him feel bad about it, its nobodies fault & if you have a big celebration you'll be able to celebrate with your friends too.

Sorry but what a load of crap! You don’t have a big night out for your significant birthday and leave your partner at home, especially not the mother of your children, unless it is her choice not to go. He can just arrange for his parents to babysit. I doubt it will be the end of the world for them to do two weekends.

level13dangerzone · 30/05/2025 21:31

Was he asked what he wanted to do? Why did his mum say no to have a party with his friends- surely it's for him to decide?

But also YANBU he should have thought about you when planning another event

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 30/05/2025 21:31

I’ve voted YABU as you shouldn’t have listened to his mother in the first place about no party with friends! Who doesn’t want a party with their friends? Just ask his mum to babysit and go and enjoy the party.

whynotmereally · 30/05/2025 22:11

So do you not want him to have a night out with friends? Why did his mum say no?
you are doing 3 celebrations I’d leave him to enjoy a night with friends if you have no childcare.

ThriveIn2025 · 30/05/2025 22:22

I’d also be tempted to cancel one of the 3 events so you can attend. It’s a bit weird not to include you / or to exclude you, depending on how you approach it.

I hope he can be counted on to reciprocate all this effort when it’s your turn….

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 30/05/2025 22:30

Chickenhorse · 30/05/2025 21:27

Sorry but what a load of crap! You don’t have a big night out for your significant birthday and leave your partner at home, especially not the mother of your children, unless it is her choice not to go. He can just arrange for his parents to babysit. I doubt it will be the end of the world for them to do two weekends.

Show quote history

So because they don't have any childcare the DP isn't allowed to celebrate with his friends? The normal thing to do would be to say 'you go out and celebrate and I'll look after DC since we are already celebrating 3 times' Should they both just stay home together at all times until the child is old enough to be left? No of course not. I understand OP thought he was being thoughtless, and maybe he was, but their current circumstances mean they cant both go & since it is a significant birthday for him and his friends have suggested a celebration obviously he should go.

Marleygolden · 30/05/2025 22:35

Why did his mother tell you not to organise anything with his friends?

NoSoupForU · 30/05/2025 22:38

I've voted YABU because it isn't about you. It's his birthday. You're already attending 3 different celebrations for his 1 birthday, so I think it's a bit weird to kick off over not being at a night out he's having with his friends.

Incidentally, did nobody ask him what he wanted to do for his birthday? Is there a reason why so many events are required?

MissHollysDolly · 30/05/2025 22:40

Your child is 2. What’s wrong with a babysitter?

Fuzziduck · 30/05/2025 22:42

Cancel the hotel, and move the childcare.

InWalksBarberalla · 30/05/2025 22:44

Why was it his mum's call about not having a party with his friends? It sounds like celebrating his birthday with his friends is his preference. So not sure why his mum got to rule that out.

viagrafalls · 30/05/2025 23:08

Chickenhorse · 30/05/2025 21:15

I voted Yabu but only because he is a man and I think he gave no thought to the childcare situation, (I expect you always organise it), so I believe he wanted you there just thought the magic childcare fairy would organise it.

omg this, its not on his mind because he never has to sort it!

Ottersmith · 30/05/2025 23:14

If there's one thing worse than people being precious about their birthdays, it's people being precious about other people's birthdays. What is with women on here arranging a grown man's birthday with his Mother? Can he not decide himself what he wants to do? If he is having 4 celebrations, why do our need to be there for all of them? Do you know his friends well? Maybe he wants a night out with his friends without you. That's ok isn't it? I don't know why it's relevant that women will be attending.

By all accounts he has 3 other commitments that you have arranged. Who is he? The queen of Sheeba?!

WhistPie · 31/05/2025 07:37

At the age of 40 I was 22 years beyond running my birthday plans past either my mother or father! You sound overly enmeshed.