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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP’s 40th - not even considered whether I could go

95 replies

User097097 · 30/05/2025 21:11

My DP’s 40th birthday is coming up and I have organised three things for it - a weekend at his best friends, a big lunch with his family and a night in a nice hotel for just the 2 of us, after his mum said not to do a party with his friends. We have a 2 yr old DS and I have arranged childcare for the nights away with our parents, they do a lot for us already with childcare while we work, so this was a push.

Today, we were out and my DP casually says oh I’ve been chatting to ‘friend’ about my birthday and he says we should have a night out for it. So I asked when and he said the weekend just before my birthday. I asked who was going and he said well probably everyone I know, women included.

At this point I asked if he’d thought about whether I would be able to go considering we probably wouldn’t be able to have my parents or his do a third weekend and he hadn’t, he just said I don’t know. I got quite hurt and angry at this that he would have all of his friends at a big night out for his 40th and hadn’t even really thought about whether I would be able to be there, especially after I’d put effort into arranging everything else. I just feel really insignificant.

OP posts:
faerietales · 31/05/2025 07:41

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 30/05/2025 22:30

So because they don't have any childcare the DP isn't allowed to celebrate with his friends? The normal thing to do would be to say 'you go out and celebrate and I'll look after DC since we are already celebrating 3 times' Should they both just stay home together at all times until the child is old enough to be left? No of course not. I understand OP thought he was being thoughtless, and maybe he was, but their current circumstances mean they cant both go & since it is a significant birthday for him and his friends have suggested a celebration obviously he should go.

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It’s not just his mates though - it’s his mates and all their partners but OP will be stuck at home doing childcare.

It would be different if it was just his mates down the pub.

Butchyrestingface · 31/05/2025 07:43

I can't get past FOUR different celebration events being organised for his 40th.

#Birthdayzilla season. Grin

Floatlikeafeather2 · 31/05/2025 07:47

Chickenhorse · 30/05/2025 21:27

Sorry but what a load of crap! You don’t have a big night out for your significant birthday and leave your partner at home, especially not the mother of your children, unless it is her choice not to go. He can just arrange for his parents to babysit. I doubt it will be the end of the world for them to do two weekends.

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Absolutely this.

SisterMargaretta · 31/05/2025 07:48

This does seem a lot for one person's birthday. Can you suggest that the weekend at his best friend's is changed to this party instead? (Presumably the best friend would be invited?) Then you could use the pre-arranged babysitting for that? Or have you just said to him "who should we get to babysit as we can't ask parents again"?

Itsrainingthankgoodness · 31/05/2025 07:56

Ottersmith · 30/05/2025 23:14

If there's one thing worse than people being precious about their birthdays, it's people being precious about other people's birthdays. What is with women on here arranging a grown man's birthday with his Mother? Can he not decide himself what he wants to do? If he is having 4 celebrations, why do our need to be there for all of them? Do you know his friends well? Maybe he wants a night out with his friends without you. That's ok isn't it? I don't know why it's relevant that women will be attending.

By all accounts he has 3 other commitments that you have arranged. Who is he? The queen of Sheeba?!

I had no idea so many people went to such great lengths to " celebrate " birthdays until I joined MN.

Of course children' s birthdays are a big deal for them . And having a big celebration when someone reached adulthood at 18, or prior to that 21, was always the norm in my life.

But once you are an adult why all the fuss for heaven's sake?

On MN the amount of upset caused by surprise parties, people not being invited , people not getting the presents they think they deserve etc etc. is up there on a level with the ructions over hen does, stag does, weddings etc.

In this case I do think OP has a point about her DP's thoughtlessness and taking her for granted. But honestly surely all this fuss over a birthday is just indulgence and unnecessary.

Reallybadidea · 31/05/2025 07:56

Sounds like he thinks childcare is your issue to sort out. Have you asked him who will be looking after your child while he's out?

Seems to me that many men assume that their partner will be "babysitting" whereas women "check that it's ok" to leave their partner to parent alone for an evening.

luckylavender · 31/05/2025 08:00

How many gatherings does he need?

NerrSnerr · 31/05/2025 08:03

He absolutely should have considered childcare but the fact that the OP has arranged the other events and ran it past his mum suggests that the culture in the family is for the women to arrange things and do the sorting.

I personally couldn’t live like this but if the OP has done all the arranging of shit for the duration of the relationship he’s not going to change now.

ClaredeBear · 31/05/2025 08:04

You just need to ask him what his childcare arrangements are. Perhaps he’s just forgotten.

Doingmybest12 · 31/05/2025 08:08

Sheame he didn't say what he wanted to do earlier and you didn't have a chat about it. He can go out with friends though, I can't see the big deal when he's already got 3 other family things lined up. Is it a close group of joint friends?

Reallybadidea · 31/05/2025 08:08

Nothing ever changes if everyone just accepts the status quo. It took several rows about the special childcare-arranging abilities of my vagina before my husband got the message but he did change his attitude eventually

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 31/05/2025 14:45

level13dangerzone · 30/05/2025 21:31

Was he asked what he wanted to do? Why did his mum say no to have a party with his friends- surely it's for him to decide?

But also YANBU he should have thought about you when planning another event

I don’t think I’ve ever been to a 40th birthday party! Neither DH, myself, my sister, his 3 brothers or any of our many cousins have either. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Needlenardlenoo · 31/05/2025 15:41

Not the point of the thread, but it's pretty normal to celebrate 40, 50, 60, isn't it? As my DC likes to say, those are BIG numbers!

Createausername1970 · 31/05/2025 15:56

It's a bit stupid of him not to check with you.

But don't get upset or sulky, just smile nicely and leave all the arrangements, food, drink, invites etc to him. It probably won't materialise if he has to sort it.

paranoiaofpufflings · 31/05/2025 15:59

Neither of you are unreasonable but it sounds like you have both failed to communicate!
You’ve organised three birthday events for him and used up the available babysitting good will.
But seems there is one birthday event he actually wants, and it’s a different one from the three you have organised.
Was there ever a “how do you want to celebrate your birthday” chat? That would have involved the discussion about babysitting being available only twice.

Jellyrols · 31/05/2025 16:04

Well now you know where you stand.
Cancel the other things and join him for that night.
Sounds like your child is your responsibility alone.
Don't have another child with this selfish man.

ConcernedOfClapham · 31/05/2025 16:19

Chickenhorse · 30/05/2025 21:15

I voted Yabu but only because he is a man and I think he gave no thought to the childcare situation, (I expect you always organise it), so I believe he wanted you there just thought the magic childcare fairy would organise it.

Yes, spot on. Me too, for exactly the same reasons… 👍

MounjaroMounjaro · 31/05/2025 16:22

Why did you take any notice of his mother?

Spirallingdownwards · 31/05/2025 16:28

Chickenhorse · 30/05/2025 21:27

Sorry but what a load of crap! You don’t have a big night out for your significant birthday and leave your partner at home, especially not the mother of your children, unless it is her choice not to go. He can just arrange for his parents to babysit. I doubt it will be the end of the world for them to do two weekends.

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I don't think he is. He just hasnt thought it woukd be possibly unreasonable to ask patents for childcare again because the arrangements for the other events and childcare for those hadn't crossed his mind.

AlmostThereLazy · 31/05/2025 16:31

You’ve arranged three things and he’s arranged one. You’ve got two babysitter opportunities so one each.

I don’t think you can arrange three things for someone’s birthday and then object to the thing they want to do for their birthday l

outerspacepotato · 31/05/2025 16:32

Why didn't you just plan with your partner what he wanted instead of bringing his mom into it?

And I get he's turning 40. But 4 events? That's overkill.

Babysitter. Ask parents again. But no, don't stay home at what should be the 🔥 bash.

LlynTegid · 31/05/2025 16:33

Two wrongs don't make a right. The lack of discussion with you and falling for the nonsense of big or milestone birthdays.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 31/05/2025 16:36

Needlenardlenoo · 31/05/2025 15:41

Not the point of the thread, but it's pretty normal to celebrate 40, 50, 60, isn't it? As my DC likes to say, those are BIG numbers!

Celebrate, yes. But not with a party IMO.

ScribblingPixie · 31/05/2025 16:38

Combine the two friends' events and cancel the weekend away for the two of you. Get his parents to babysit for the friends party as they don't want to go. If this is how he wants to celebrate his birthday, great. Don't sweat over events he's not fussed about.

FlockofSquirrels · 31/05/2025 16:38

I have organised three things for it - a weekend at his best friends, a big lunch with his family and a night in a nice hotel for just the 2 of us, after his mum said not to do a party with his friends.

I think we need to know what discussion was had with him (rather than his mother) before making plans and whether he knew about all of this and had fully approved before speaking with his friends.