DP’s 40th - not even considered whether I could go

[User097097]

My DP’s 40th birthday is coming up and I have organised three things for it - a weekend at his best friends, a big lunch with his family and a night in a nice hotel for just the 2 of us, after his mum said not to do a party with his friends. We have a 2 yr old DS and I have arranged childcare for the nights away with our parents, they do a lot for us already with childcare while we work, so this was a push.

Today, we were out and my DP casually says oh I’ve been chatting to ‘friend’ about my birthday and he says we should have a night out for it. So I asked when and he said the weekend just before my birthday. I asked who was going and he said well probably everyone I know, women included.

At this point I asked if he’d thought about whether I would be able to go considering we probably wouldn’t be able to have my parents or his do a third weekend and he hadn’t, he just said I don’t know. I got quite hurt and angry at this that he would have all of his friends at a big night out for his 40th and hadn’t even really thought about whether I would be able to be there, especially after I’d put effort into arranging everything else. I just feel really insignificant.

Indeed, but I was replying to someone who was replying to a post mentioning 40th/50th/60th birthday celebrations

I'm puzzled why you did what his mum suggested, why didn't you ask him what he wanted to do for his 40th

Another one asking whether he had any say or involvement in the birthday plans your arranged @User097097 .

It's quite bizarre to me to have his mum dictate whether or not there was a party.

Why did his mum say not to do a big party?
surely that’s his decision?

Maybe he has an official birthday and a personal birthday, like the Monarch.

Voted YABU as I don't see any mention of you actually asking him what he wanted to do, yet went ahead and organised 3 different events. If you had asked him in the first place maybe this could have all been organised as one event - a party for family and friends.

I haven't voted, but agree with this.

I also think you (as a couple who obviously enjoy going out) ABU to always rely on your parents to babysit. You need to broaden your horizons.

I think, if you have a baby / small children, then planning quite so many events for one birthday is a bit daft.

I am another who also presumes that if he agrees to nights out without thinking through the logistics, as well as you consulting his mother about his birthday rather than him then you (as a couple) have created that dynamic as a family, which is something you might want to change for the next 15 years or so.

Assuming he is the child’s father then they have no childcare, not just her. It shouldn’t always be up to the woman to sort childcare. Unless it is just her child not his, then it makes more sense.

So if it was your birthday and you wanted to go out with your friends (for your birthday) and your husband said ‘you can’t go out for your birthday because we’ve got no babysitter’ you wouldn’t think that it’s ok for your husband to look after his own child so you could go out with your friends? For your birthday. You would say ‘sorry friends, I can’t come out without my husband’.

It's his birthday - not hers. I would expect on her birthday he stays home with the children so she can celebrate. It baffles me that there are people out there who would rather make their partner stay home with them. The same people who probably take the whole family on the weekly food shop. It is normal and okay to take turns of going out whilst the other parents holds the fort.

Omg what a load of rubbish! Can we please find more excuses for poorly behaved boys? (Wont call them men). I organise the childcare but My DP would never arrange an important night out without asking me to check with our babysitter if we can both attend.
Everyone suggesting how the OP should move the dates to find the childcare etc is missing the point of the post, yes OP your DP should have considered you and the childcare in his plans. It’s very selfish of him.

I think the issue is that it's not just her DH going with his friends , it's that they all plan to bring partners and OP feels she will be the only partner unable to attend.

I didn’t say he should stay home. I said it shouldn’t be just up to the Mum to arrange childcare. Especially in this case where she had already arranged so much, including childcare for other events for his birthday.

Cancel the cheque, more like

I think this, to be honest. The logistics just hadn’t kicked in yet. I don’t think it necessarily reflects on your efforts, or his appreciation of them. Unless that’s another thing going on as an aside?

I voted YABU too. With the deepest of sympathy, you sound a tiny bit entitled. It’s his birthday? Surely as a 40 year old adult he can celebrate it however he wants?
If you want to support him then help find/do the childcare if what he really wants is to go out with his mates. If you don’t want to support him, then you can tell him to find the childcare, they’re his children too. But I don’t think it’s fair to him to get ‘the hump’ because you’ve put lots of effort in and it turns out he just would have preferred to have a night out with his mates?

"his mum said not to do a party with his friends"

I have no idea why you would discuss it with it his mother and not him.

I organised some things for DH's 40th birthday but discussed them with him first to check what he wanted.

I don't blame him for wanting to celebrate with his friends - it is thoughtless of him not to consider whether you could go, though.

Well, he has decided and OP is upset about it. Maybe his mum knows him/them quite well as a couple and saw this coming? possibly an intelligent woman….

Also yes I’d want my DH to look after the kids so I could go out with my mates for my 40th.

id be so pissed off if he threw a strop because he couldn’t come too. It’s MY birthday, he should facilitate by providing guilt free childcare 😂

This.
OP, can I ask if it’s close to your birthday/anniversary too? And if it is a joint celebration?