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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex disputing child maintenance. Both barrels?

83 replies

Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 21:09

I’m wondering if IIWBU to go nuclear on my ex who’s kicking up a fuss over having to pay maintenance.

backstory:
together 15 years, financially linked. Split last year, sold house Jan, house selling taking an absolute age due to solicitors.
ive left family home with DC due to his refusal to. Now living in an (amazing) rental, he refused to help with the move until I read him the riot act after weeks of struggling alone (with DC) to furnish and decorate the property. He then moved some bits of furniture to our new place for us. That’s as far as his help has gone.

due to a number of reasons, I’m struggling financially for the first time in my life. This is of course nothing to do with maintenance as that is DC money. But as I’m financially linked in joint credit agreements with ex, I’m having to still pay him money each month. As I now have my own place that I’m trying to get back on my feet with, naturally, I can’t fucking manage both at this time. I’m self employed but due to the stress of the last 8 months or so work has been on the back burner and I’m bringing in much less than usual. I’m certain this will change again, but due to the house sale not yet completing I haven’t had a “reset” financially yet and I’m chasing my tail.

now for the maintenance,

Ex works shifts so currently having DC 3 nights, then I have 4 nights then repeat. He is a high earner, outgoings are high, but still. Could be less if he’d just go and stay with his parents (which is what he’s doing when the house completes until he finds somewhere new). Anyway, he is refusing to pay maintenance currently, has dropped hints for months that he’s not happy about it. I’ve told him the govt calculation using the online tool to which he’s said it’s “a load of shit, not fair, pathetic, and ridiculous” as he has DC 3 nights and takes DC on days out during that time and buys things like food. To which I say oh fucking well that’s how it works. He’s tried to ask me if he can not pay monthly maintenance, but instead pay the annual school fees (private school) to which I’ve said no I’d like to continue to go 50/50.

weve had a few massive arguments over it and I’m currently considering just putting in a claim. He’s said this would be pathetic and spiteful as a fee gets taken so it’s less for DC. He thinks he’s been utterly shafted, if anybody has been shafted financially it’s me! I wanted to maintain a good relationship with him, and if I was in his position I’d never see him struggle, but he’s flat out refused to help in any way. Even down to fitting a shelf in DC room, he’s washed his hands of any physical mental or financial help and is basically saying “whelp. Employ someone to do it”. Not the dynamic anybody predicted, my family are shocked as it’s so out of character for him, some that live out of town have even said they don’t believe me that he’s saying any of this, because it’s that out of character. I have lots of WhatsApp’s saying otherwise.

there may be details I’ve missed out. I’m just so pissed off!

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 30/05/2025 21:12

My ex stopped paying his share of joint bills/mortgage when he moved out, apparently on advice of his solicitor. Why don't you do the same?

Amd go direct to CMS , stop waiting for him to be a decent person.

DorothyStorm · 30/05/2025 21:12

CombatBarbie · 30/05/2025 21:12

My ex stopped paying his share of joint bills/mortgage when he moved out, apparently on advice of his solicitor. Why don't you do the same?

Amd go direct to CMS , stop waiting for him to be a decent person.

This.

Original poster
Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 21:17

It’s more the car finance and a loan that I’m paying him for rather than bills.

honestly I cannot believe who he has turned out to be. Soooo cliche but the bitterness is on another level. He’s spent plenty of time cozying up with my family saying how hard it is for him and how he’d do anything to help DC, then he’s refusing any sort of help to me directly. KNOWING my family have thought the sun shines out of his arse for the last 15 years anyway so they cannot possibly believe sweet little ex DP would behave like this

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 30/05/2025 21:45

Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 21:17

It’s more the car finance and a loan that I’m paying him for rather than bills.

honestly I cannot believe who he has turned out to be. Soooo cliche but the bitterness is on another level. He’s spent plenty of time cozying up with my family saying how hard it is for him and how he’d do anything to help DC, then he’s refusing any sort of help to me directly. KNOWING my family have thought the sun shines out of his arse for the last 15 years anyway so they cannot possibly believe sweet little ex DP would behave like this

Are they in his or your name? Like i said my ex stopped paying everything that was joint/marital Mortgage, credit cards etc. And none of the companies I spoke to amwere arsed, they just want their money.

Original poster
Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 21:49

CombatBarbie · 30/05/2025 21:45

Are they in his or your name? Like i said my ex stopped paying everything that was joint/marital Mortgage, credit cards etc. And none of the companies I spoke to amwere arsed, they just want their money.

Show quote history

Everything is in his name. I keep telling him that if I wanted to, ultimately I could leave him with all the debt but I wouldn’t morally do that. He seems to think that I couldn’t/wouldn’t do that.

the more I think about it I should’ve threatened it long ago. The split of the equity is also in his favour, deducting “my debts” (in his name) before the split which I’ve told him wouldn’t pass in the eyes of the law. He’s relying on me not going nuclear

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 30/05/2025 21:53

Go to CMS, take his power away. And it doesn't cost anything initially he should pay you directly. If he misses a payment you report it and then CMS may or may not decide to collect it directly from his and it costs then.

I would then be paying the mortgage, technically you could charge him occupational rent as 50% of the rental value. However hard to actually get. But you have had to leave the jointly owned home. Only problem. With stopping to pay your 50% of the mortgage is if he doesnt pay then your credit is affected also.

I would then be paying tbe debts in his name. He's made this about money and putting himself first. He is there thinking about you or your child

tinygingermum · 30/05/2025 21:53

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to claim maintenance, but you are being unreasonable thinking here should be helping with moving or putting up a shelf. You are 2 separate households now and not a couple.

AirborneElephant · 30/05/2025 21:55

Stop letting him walk all over you. Stop paying his debts. Don’t allow him to deduct his debts from your equity. Put in a CMS claim. He’s shown you who he really is, not show him how strong you can be.

Helpmeplease2025 · 30/05/2025 21:58

He isn’t realistically going to help make your new home all nice, you’re two separate households now.

Go to CMS.

Nonsense10 · 30/05/2025 21:58

The debts are in his name so he pays them. Have you kept the car? Is it in your name?

Claim CMS because he is legally responsible for providing for his children whether he likes it or not.

Definitely do NOT ask him to help you. This is not amicable.

Only thing I'd pay is half the mortgage. You've left the house, make sure you've take your names off all the bills.

Tiswa · 30/05/2025 21:58

It’s not going nuclear it is getting the amount you need for your children

stop being a martyr

  1. maintenance is not for DC it is to help you raise DC 2)does he use the car if so stop paying for it
  2. ditto loan
  3. get legal advice
  4. get 50/50 equity

get what you need

Original poster
Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 21:58

AirborneElephant · 30/05/2025 21:55

Stop letting him walk all over you. Stop paying his debts. Don’t allow him to deduct his debts from your equity. Put in a CMS claim. He’s shown you who he really is, not show him how strong you can be.

He thinks I’m walking all over him. Keeps harping on about how he’s “helped me so much over the years” which in fairness, he has. But evidently only because he was getting a relationship out of it? Surely a relationship is give and take so I’m not sure why he keeps bringing that up.

im not sure how I’d have grounds to dispute that now at this stage, I’m also worried about the fall out/blow up from it. He keeps telling me it’s non negotiable as it’s “my” loan and “my” car and “my” credit card. So of course it’s none negotiable. Hes dealing with the solicitor solely and hasn’t included me in any coms despite me pushing and pushing for it. The mortgage was in his name but we have drawn up our 40/60 split prior to ending relationship.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 30/05/2025 21:59

Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 21:58

He thinks I’m walking all over him. Keeps harping on about how he’s “helped me so much over the years” which in fairness, he has. But evidently only because he was getting a relationship out of it? Surely a relationship is give and take so I’m not sure why he keeps bringing that up.

im not sure how I’d have grounds to dispute that now at this stage, I’m also worried about the fall out/blow up from it. He keeps telling me it’s non negotiable as it’s “my” loan and “my” car and “my” credit card. So of course it’s none negotiable. Hes dealing with the solicitor solely and hasn’t included me in any coms despite me pushing and pushing for it. The mortgage was in his name but we have drawn up our 40/60 split prior to ending relationship.

Show quote history

Do you have the car if so get it signed over to you and pay for your csr

if he has the car stop paying for it

MyCyanReader · 30/05/2025 22:01

Tread carefully if he's paying school fees etc... he might end up paying CMS but stopping the school fees which will end up costing you more.

Stop paying for the loans if those things are in his name though.

Original poster
Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 22:01

Tiswa · 30/05/2025 21:58

It’s not going nuclear it is getting the amount you need for your children

stop being a martyr

  1. maintenance is not for DC it is to help you raise DC 2)does he use the car if so stop paying for it
  2. ditto loan
  3. get legal advice
  4. get 50/50 equity

get what you need

I’ve been called all the unreasonable, grabby, selfish exes under the sun. His mum and dad are in his ear also telling him not to give a penny more than he has to with equity as it’s “his” house (don’t start me on that!)

im not sure where I stand now that I’ve left the home. But time is ticking and by the looks of things I’m not going to have a penny of the equity left after paying off the debt. Yet he’s gaining at least a 20-30% deposit on his next property as well as a substantial guaranteed wage every month and a large house with his parents that he can stay in as long as he pleases (another luxury I don’t have)

OP posts:
user1491934176 · 30/05/2025 22:03

If the debts are solely in his name then you have no obligation to pay for them. I suppose he’s not obliged to help you move or furnish your new home but that was nice he did that. If he doesn’t have your child 50/50 then he will have to contribute to cold maintenance, his outgoings are irrelevant bar his pension I believe.

You need to get yourself back earning for your child’s sake. And no longer rely on him for odd jobs, If the relationship has broken down then it needs to be on both sides. He can’t be expected to upkeep your new home but he does need to contribute to your child.

Original poster
Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 22:05

Possibly a huge drip feed, but things ended seemingly amicably until he realised there was no chance of getting back together. Things got heated quickly and the matter of my family thinking he’s gods gift came up (he was calling my mum gossiping about me regularly) I told him since he’s so close with them and can do no wrong maybe he should tell them of the time he forced himself on me and finished in my mouth despite me fighting him off. He said “oh one time get over it” that’s when my opinion of him completely changed. He’s then said since I’m trying to blackmail him, I’m bitter etc.

OP posts:
DwarfPalmetto · 30/05/2025 22:07

It doesn't matter what he thinks. You don't need to listen to him anymore.

Pickledpoppetpickle · 30/05/2025 22:08

OP hang on in there. Things get easier. What I would say is just don’t expect any help from him, even if it’s for the children. It gives him power and you don’t need him wielding that power around like a bloody great machete, hacking away at your sanity and overall peace of mind. There isn’t any problem that can’t be solved by throwing money at it. Cultivate relationships with tradesmen - you need a mechanic for your car and a multi trader who can help with stuff around the house. Your multi trader will know who to trust if you need an electrician, plumber etc. Think independent, even though it costs a small fortune. My ‘I’ve made it’ moment came when several years down the line he said he was moving away because ‘you don’t need me anymore’. Petulant wanker should have thought about that before sleeping with other women, eh?

randomusernam · 30/05/2025 22:11

I think it’s time to go nuclear

Original poster
Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 22:12

DwarfPalmetto · 30/05/2025 22:07

It doesn't matter what he thinks. You don't need to listen to him anymore.

I grew up with my mum and dad hating each other, I really didn’t want that for my DC! But I can’t see a way in which he’s trying to keep it amicable other than he’s not outright disrespectful to me, he’s just washed his hands of me.

im wondering whether to just burn my bridges and leave him with the debt. Very scary and isolating though

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 22:13

Pickledpoppetpickle · 30/05/2025 22:08

OP hang on in there. Things get easier. What I would say is just don’t expect any help from him, even if it’s for the children. It gives him power and you don’t need him wielding that power around like a bloody great machete, hacking away at your sanity and overall peace of mind. There isn’t any problem that can’t be solved by throwing money at it. Cultivate relationships with tradesmen - you need a mechanic for your car and a multi trader who can help with stuff around the house. Your multi trader will know who to trust if you need an electrician, plumber etc. Think independent, even though it costs a small fortune. My ‘I’ve made it’ moment came when several years down the line he said he was moving away because ‘you don’t need me anymore’. Petulant wanker should have thought about that before sleeping with other women, eh?

This made me really emotional. This is how I would ordinarily think, but my financial position atm is nothing I’m used to. If I knew I was going to have a small lump sum from the equity I’d tell him to fuck right off, but he’s fully holding the cards currently

OP posts:
AirborneElephant · 30/05/2025 22:14

You need to see a solicitor yourself about the house. Are you on the deeds? If you’re not then you may not be in the strongest position. But take control, don’t let him simply decide things are non negotiable. If you have a legal 40:60 split then insist on that, he doesn’t get to deduct things from that. The debts are separate. If you have the car and you are listed as the owner then I agree you should pay. But definitely not for loans and credit cards in his name where the money was.spent on general things.

CombatBarbie · 30/05/2025 22:14

Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 21:49

Everything is in his name. I keep telling him that if I wanted to, ultimately I could leave him with all the debt but I wouldn’t morally do that. He seems to think that I couldn’t/wouldn’t do that.

the more I think about it I should’ve threatened it long ago. The split of the equity is also in his favour, deducting “my debts” (in his name) before the split which I’ve told him wouldn’t pass in the eyes of the law. He’s relying on me not going nuclear

Show quote history

Doesn't work like that. Stop paying them. He's taking you for a fool! Claim the CMS and claim your fair share of equity. It's really that simple.

Original poster
Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 22:15

I have been pretty financially irresponsible for most of my life, I’ll admit. I blame my neurodivergence (adhd, dyscalculia, autism) I’m very impulsive money has been “easy come easy go” I realise that must change. But I need a buffer period to get myself back in order which he is fully preventing.

OP posts: