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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex disputing child maintenance. Both barrels?

83 replies

Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 21:09

I’m wondering if IIWBU to go nuclear on my ex who’s kicking up a fuss over having to pay maintenance.

backstory:
together 15 years, financially linked. Split last year, sold house Jan, house selling taking an absolute age due to solicitors.
ive left family home with DC due to his refusal to. Now living in an (amazing) rental, he refused to help with the move until I read him the riot act after weeks of struggling alone (with DC) to furnish and decorate the property. He then moved some bits of furniture to our new place for us. That’s as far as his help has gone.

due to a number of reasons, I’m struggling financially for the first time in my life. This is of course nothing to do with maintenance as that is DC money. But as I’m financially linked in joint credit agreements with ex, I’m having to still pay him money each month. As I now have my own place that I’m trying to get back on my feet with, naturally, I can’t fucking manage both at this time. I’m self employed but due to the stress of the last 8 months or so work has been on the back burner and I’m bringing in much less than usual. I’m certain this will change again, but due to the house sale not yet completing I haven’t had a “reset” financially yet and I’m chasing my tail.

now for the maintenance,

Ex works shifts so currently having DC 3 nights, then I have 4 nights then repeat. He is a high earner, outgoings are high, but still. Could be less if he’d just go and stay with his parents (which is what he’s doing when the house completes until he finds somewhere new). Anyway, he is refusing to pay maintenance currently, has dropped hints for months that he’s not happy about it. I’ve told him the govt calculation using the online tool to which he’s said it’s “a load of shit, not fair, pathetic, and ridiculous” as he has DC 3 nights and takes DC on days out during that time and buys things like food. To which I say oh fucking well that’s how it works. He’s tried to ask me if he can not pay monthly maintenance, but instead pay the annual school fees (private school) to which I’ve said no I’d like to continue to go 50/50.

weve had a few massive arguments over it and I’m currently considering just putting in a claim. He’s said this would be pathetic and spiteful as a fee gets taken so it’s less for DC. He thinks he’s been utterly shafted, if anybody has been shafted financially it’s me! I wanted to maintain a good relationship with him, and if I was in his position I’d never see him struggle, but he’s flat out refused to help in any way. Even down to fitting a shelf in DC room, he’s washed his hands of any physical mental or financial help and is basically saying “whelp. Employ someone to do it”. Not the dynamic anybody predicted, my family are shocked as it’s so out of character for him, some that live out of town have even said they don’t believe me that he’s saying any of this, because it’s that out of character. I have lots of WhatsApp’s saying otherwise.

there may be details I’ve missed out. I’m just so pissed off!

OP posts:
Agapornis · 31/05/2025 01:01

GravyBoatWars · 30/05/2025 23:53

Hes dealing with the solicitor solely and hasn’t included me in any coms despite me pushing and pushing for it.

No no no no no. This is not "the solicitor" this is HIS solicitor. He has employed a solicitor to act and advise him in his interests. You absolutely need to understand this. You are no longer a team. You are now adverse parties. I understand that you wanted things to be amicable, and hopefully one day in the future they will be, but right now you need to accept the reality that he will act in his own best interests and those are at odds with your interests. Stop looking for him to help you with setting up the new house or getting on your feet and treat everything he says as the words of an opponent looking to say whatever will get him his way.

I understand that everything is overwhelming but you need to make finding a solicitor of your own and setting an appointment you top priority for this weekend. Set aside all negotiations with your ex and don't make any payments to him until you have had that meeting and taken advice. Text friends who have gone through divorces or custody issues for a solicitor recommendation (don't start giving them all the details or trying to justify anything, just stick to asking for a recommendation) or look online for a divorce and family law solicitor in your area.

I think OP means the conveyancing solicitor for the sale - but yes she does need a family law solicitor.

GravyBoatWars · 31/05/2025 01:27

Agapornis · 31/05/2025 01:01

I think OP means the conveyancing solicitor for the sale - but yes she does need a family law solicitor.

Show quote history

Yes, I think it was the conveyance solicitor but it's his solicitor no matter what as the house is in his name. Decisions about the speed and terms of the sale are being made in his interests. I would bet money that he's also consulted with a family law solicitor, but OP absolutely shouldn't wait to confirm that or hold off getting one herself if he says he doesn't.

Soontobesingles · 31/05/2025 02:03

This is all quite odd OP. You are not married and the house is in his name. I’d forget any idea that you will get money from that. He is simply not going to give you 40% of the equity in his home. Stop paying his debts. File CMS. You are living in an ‘amazing’ place and sending your child to private school so things cannot be that tough. If they are you will have to find a state school for DC. You seem to expect that your ex will act in your interests by helping you with household tasks and DIY. This is just not realistic. When you end a relationship you fire the other person from having that role in your life. Be pragmatic. What do you need to survive and do you have that?

GAJLY · 31/05/2025 07:06

I'd check what benefits you're entitled to, and stop paying the loans that aren't in your name. What are the loans for? If it's a car that you drive, then return it to him. Are the children in private school? If so could you find a state school nearby, to avoid the fees when he decides to stop paying?

Spies · 31/05/2025 07:23

Soontobesingles · 31/05/2025 02:03

This is all quite odd OP. You are not married and the house is in his name. I’d forget any idea that you will get money from that. He is simply not going to give you 40% of the equity in his home. Stop paying his debts. File CMS. You are living in an ‘amazing’ place and sending your child to private school so things cannot be that tough. If they are you will have to find a state school for DC. You seem to expect that your ex will act in your interests by helping you with household tasks and DIY. This is just not realistic. When you end a relationship you fire the other person from having that role in your life. Be pragmatic. What do you need to survive and do you have that?

I agree with this. You seem to be doing very well and to be honest I think his suggestion to pay for the school fees was a fair one. Also if you're not married and he owns the house I'm really not sure why you would be entitled to any of the proceeds from it's sale? If the roles were reversed no one would be expecting you to give him a penny.

By all means stop paying the loans if they are in his name but given everything you've said I feel like he's actually being quite reasonable so far.

tripleginandtonic · 31/05/2025 07:43

Go to CMS. Stop expecting him to help practically, you've split up now.

Zanatdy · 31/05/2025 08:01

I’d assume maintenance would be reduced a fair bit if he has them 3 nights a week? He wouldn’t have to pay school fees and maintenance so i’d have a look at the figures and see whether or not payment of the fees is the better deal. If he is willing to pay half of clothes / other costs and all school fees then i’d imagine that might be more than what CMS calculator says when he has them 3 nights per week.

If those debts are genuinely yours, but if his name then I do think it’s only fair to pay them. People would be up in arms if a man had left a woman with a load of debt, yet many are encouraging you to not pay them.

Mandylovescandy · 31/05/2025 08:08

Have you seen a solicitor? This all sounds like you haven't fully spilt. I don't think he should be putting up shelves for you - if it was joint furniture then fair enough to have half of it. I think you need a proper break - get your equity, stop paying loans in his name, claim CMS. How important is the private school? This seems like a huge expense that you are both going to have to agree on into the future and what happens if he doesn't pay half of that

Simonjt · 31/05/2025 08:14

As you aren’t married and don’t part own the house you may have to play fake nice for a while. How much equity would you stand to gain? Its only worth playing nice if its a decent chunk of money.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 31/05/2025 08:24

Soontobesingles · 31/05/2025 02:03

This is all quite odd OP. You are not married and the house is in his name. I’d forget any idea that you will get money from that. He is simply not going to give you 40% of the equity in his home. Stop paying his debts. File CMS. You are living in an ‘amazing’ place and sending your child to private school so things cannot be that tough. If they are you will have to find a state school for DC. You seem to expect that your ex will act in your interests by helping you with household tasks and DIY. This is just not realistic. When you end a relationship you fire the other person from having that role in your life. Be pragmatic. What do you need to survive and do you have that?

100% this. Legal and practical advice instead of the emotional advice being given by others

MangoLassie · 31/05/2025 08:29

GravyBoatWars · 30/05/2025 23:53

Hes dealing with the solicitor solely and hasn’t included me in any coms despite me pushing and pushing for it.

No no no no no. This is not "the solicitor" this is HIS solicitor. He has employed a solicitor to act and advise him in his interests. You absolutely need to understand this. You are no longer a team. You are now adverse parties. I understand that you wanted things to be amicable, and hopefully one day in the future they will be, but right now you need to accept the reality that he will act in his own best interests and those are at odds with your interests. Stop looking for him to help you with setting up the new house or getting on your feet and treat everything he says as the words of an opponent looking to say whatever will get him his way.

I understand that everything is overwhelming but you need to make finding a solicitor of your own and setting an appointment you top priority for this weekend. Set aside all negotiations with your ex and don't make any payments to him until you have had that meeting and taken advice. Text friends who have gone through divorces or custody issues for a solicitor recommendation (don't start giving them all the details or trying to justify anything, just stick to asking for a recommendation) or look online for a divorce and family law solicitor in your area.

Agreed.

Velvian · 31/05/2025 08:33

You keep mentioning the mortgage @Tiredbut , but are you on the deeds? What does the Land Registry say? You can do a search of the property on their website.

Do you have the car? What is it worth?

HarryVanderspeigle · 31/05/2025 08:38

Your posts are quite convoluted and you seem to be avoiding some of the good advice. It is so hard when you can't see the wood for the trees, but posting here clearly means you want to find a way forward. My two pence worth is

  • It doesn't sound like private school is affordable. It's not in your child's best interests for you to have no equity or savings and be unable to provide a decent standard of living. There are plenty of good state schools around.
  • If you ran up the debts in his name, then it is moraly right that you pay them.
  • You shouldn't be paying his utilities, everything there is being used by him and you have your own to pay.
  • Are you on the deeds to the house, not just the mortgage? If not then you urgently need legal advice about whether you are entitled to anything. Do not just trust him that you are "owed" 40%, but it will all be netted off with debts. Certainly don't carry on paying the mortgage if you are not likely to get anything back, but don't do anything before legal advice.
  • It is great that you recognise you have been bad with money and this needs to change. Make sure you get support with this on forums like mse, people on here etc.
thepariscrimefiles · 31/05/2025 08:51

NaiceBalonz · 30/05/2025 23:03

Agreed. And given how grabby OP is coming across I hope he does.

Show quote history

Oh great - you're rooting for a rapist.

MellowPinkDeer · 31/05/2025 08:55

Is half the school fees more or less than the calculator says?

because he could argue that is the maintenance as you have no financial agreement saying otherwise.

itsgettingweird · 31/05/2025 08:59

Go on CMS work out what he should pay. Deduct that from the money you transfer him for the joint bills each month.

Send an email saying £X due for maintenance. I’ll deduct that from what I pay you so I’ll transfer £X a month.

If maintenance is more then just make a claim!

AelinAG · 31/05/2025 09:00

Stop paying his bloody debts. He’s happy to screw you over, treat him the same.

and report him for the rape if you feel able

moose62 · 31/05/2025 09:04

You can't see the wood for the trees. Don't do anything or threaten anything until you have seen a family law solicitor.

Just Google your local area and make an appointment. Doing anything in anger might not be legal and land you in a worse position.

ViciousCurrentBun · 31/05/2025 09:05

Whose name is the car registered in?

You need to see a solicitor, it sounds complicated and you need to separate emotion from what will be the legal requirements in your break up.

ReplacementBusService · 31/05/2025 09:06

Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 22:54

Thank you that’s really kind and helpful.

it’s also important to add, ex says that without me paying for the debts car etc, he is left with £0 after all bills have been taken out of his account because of me. Which is why I’m continuing to pay them, but also why he’s added another notch of refusal to pay maintenance. He has his mum and dad who could support him until the house completes though, and he could move out and not be paying utility bills etc!

WTF?

I'm sorry but whatever mental gymnastics you've been persuaded to do, run your brain under some cold water and start looking at your own household as completely separate to his. And get a solicitor. And put in a CMS claim.

ReplacementBusService · 31/05/2025 09:08

....and his mum and dad, your mum and dad, all of that...forget about it. You. Your offspring. Look after that.

Hellofreshh · 31/05/2025 09:12

As a single parent myself you both have to adjust here. Things like helping to put a shelf up may happen later. Right now do not ask your ex to do things like this OP.

I don't want to sound harsh but £550 for your DC is ok if he earnt less he'd pay next to nothing for 3 DC. Don't rock the boat too much otherwise he may refuse to have your DC overnight. CMS may be best or it could make him down tools!

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/05/2025 09:12

Why are you paying his debts? It smacks of financial control to me. Speak to CAB or a debt advice charity. They will tell you what the law is around debts. They will probably help you check with credit reference agencies and also help you apply for any benefits you may be entitled to.

Tarantella6 · 31/05/2025 09:15

There is no obligation for him to pay school fees and it doesn't sound like you're legally entitled to any of the house.

Going nuclear sounds like it could well end up with you worse off so take a deep breath and pause for a minute. How will you feel if you get your £550 but lose the car, the equity and the school fees?!

Wait for the dust to settle, house to complete, play nice for now then revisit it.

CrosstheDesert · 31/05/2025 09:16

Too much ‘he thinks, he said’ @Tiredbut - why does it matter?, how do you even know?

Cut ties, stop communication except about DC’s ( seperate cheap mobile if needed, where you can choose when to read).

Be objective, it doesn't matter what either of you ‘think’. Legal advice regarding the financial settlement, mediation, CMS for maintenance.

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