Ex disputing child maintenance. Both barrels?

[Tiredbut]

I’m wondering if IIWBU to go nuclear on my ex who’s kicking up a fuss over having to pay maintenance.

backstory:
together 15 years, financially linked. Split last year, sold house Jan, house selling taking an absolute age due to solicitors.
ive left family home with DC due to his refusal to. Now living in an (amazing) rental, he refused to help with the move until I read him the riot act after weeks of struggling alone (with DC) to furnish and decorate the property. He then moved some bits of furniture to our new place for us. That’s as far as his help has gone.

due to a number of reasons, I’m struggling financially for the first time in my life. This is of course nothing to do with maintenance as that is DC money. But as I’m financially linked in joint credit agreements with ex, I’m having to still pay him money each month. As I now have my own place that I’m trying to get back on my feet with, naturally, I can’t fucking manage both at this time. I’m self employed but due to the stress of the last 8 months or so work has been on the back burner and I’m bringing in much less than usual. I’m certain this will change again, but due to the house sale not yet completing I haven’t had a “reset” financially yet and I’m chasing my tail.

now for the maintenance,

Ex works shifts so currently having DC 3 nights, then I have 4 nights then repeat. He is a high earner, outgoings are high, but still. Could be less if he’d just go and stay with his parents (which is what he’s doing when the house completes until he finds somewhere new). Anyway, he is refusing to pay maintenance currently, has dropped hints for months that he’s not happy about it. I’ve told him the govt calculation using the online tool to which he’s said it’s “a load of shit, not fair, pathetic, and ridiculous” as he has DC 3 nights and takes DC on days out during that time and buys things like food. To which I say oh fucking well that’s how it works. He’s tried to ask me if he can not pay monthly maintenance, but instead pay the annual school fees (private school) to which I’ve said no I’d like to continue to go 50/50.

weve had a few massive arguments over it and I’m currently considering just putting in a claim. He’s said this would be pathetic and spiteful as a fee gets taken so it’s less for DC. He thinks he’s been utterly shafted, if anybody has been shafted financially it’s me! I wanted to maintain a good relationship with him, and if I was in his position I’d never see him struggle, but he’s flat out refused to help in any way. Even down to fitting a shelf in DC room, he’s washed his hands of any physical mental or financial help and is basically saying “whelp. Employ someone to do it”. Not the dynamic anybody predicted, my family are shocked as it’s so out of character for him, some that live out of town have even said they don’t believe me that he’s saying any of this, because it’s that out of character. I have lots of WhatsApp’s saying otherwise.

there may be details I’ve missed out. I’m just so pissed off!

@Tiredbut why are you listening to his bullshit !
He didn’t care enough to move out first. He doesn’t care now . He only Cares about himself .
Put the claim in . Tonight . He will eventually come to you pleading to drop it and he will pay but he will continue to mess you around .
Put your kids first op .

Latest text:

So you think £550 which is for 2/3 nights a week. When do I ever have (DC) 2 nights? Plus I said I’d pay the school instead and just go half’s on clothes etc. government minimum, a site that just goes off nights. I could have (DC) 7am-7pm every day, you could pick up and straight to bed (zero costs) and according to the government I’d have to pay you the max because I don’t even have (DC). That’s how shit that calculator is. So I don’t think £550 is fair no.

He's not preventing you, you are preventing you. You owe him nothing.

@Tiredbut bloody hell I’ve just read the update. . Go back to the family home. File a police report for what he did to you ( rape ) and get him removed from the house.
Problems solved .
He doesn’t deserve to get away with causing you any of this hassle and pain.

So you need legal advice and a binding agreement about share house, debts, school fees, maintenance etc I’m assuming you weren’t married but there are still claims you can make on behalf of children or if you contributed to mortgage. You are being pushed around because you don’t have the full picture of where you stand legally. You could go to CMS but he may then stop paying school fees if there is no legal agreement so I would get proper advice first.

It was a while ago now, and in all honesty I wouldn’t do that. Besides he’s cleverly avoided when I’ve brought it up over text, referring back to his “early 20s” and “things he’s done” basically denying what I’m saying. Wish I’d have recorded the argument!

I did record financial discussions, he saw the phone recording and said I’m a slimey snake

This. And then tell him you can now pay someone to put up shelves.

Another drip feed (!) I don’t feel supported in doing so as my family have a history of letting men run riot with their lives. My mum says why should my ex pay maintenance when he has DC too. This from the woman who condemned my DF for “not doing enough”!

OK. Shall we brainstorm some ideas to get some more cash in your pocket?

• get a benefits check to make sure you’re claiming everything you can
• sell stuff you don’t need - Vinted, eBay, car boot, get rid of stuff you don’t use or need. Be ruthless.
• batch cook and bake as a full freezer is cheaper to run than an empty one
• only shop in sales or second hand for your children and you
• buy school uniform via PTA sales (and check your local authority for help with uniforms and/or the school itself. They can sometimes help)
• run all online purchases through Quidco, nectar etc for cash back/points
• Look at ways of reducing utility bills - duvet over you whilst watching tv in winter, use a slocooker or air fryer rather than putting the oven on for one thing, keep overhead lights off as much as possible, boil enough in a kettle for the one cup you will drink or boil the kettle and use a flask to keep the water hot for the rest of the day….
• I used to save £2 coins but I don’t think we use as much cash as we used to. It built me a very small savings pot quite quickly.
• check for better insurance deals when up for renewal
• do surveys with one eye on the TV in the evenings
• can you find a side hustle - tutoring? Typing up dissertations? Transcribing if you are able to type at speed? Youth work one night a week? Babysitting?

moneysavingexpert is great and will help you get your thoughts in order. I know it all sounds like pennies - and it is - but when you are struggling, the pennies matter. Hope that doesn’t come across as patronising. It’s so tough but it will pass.

Thank you that’s really kind and helpful.

it’s also important to add, ex says that without me paying for the debts car etc, he is left with £0 after all bills have been taken out of his account because of me. Which is why I’m continuing to pay them, but also why he’s added another notch of refusal to pay maintenance. He has his mum and dad who could support him until the house completes though, and he could move out and not be paying utility bills etc!

Agreed. And given how grabby OP is coming across I hope he does.

Stop playing nice.
Stop paying debts in his name for now, especially since he's not paying proper child support.
File through CMS; stop arguing with him.

Not your circus not your monkeys

Mark is that you?

You need to have a long conversation with your own solicitor and get advice from them now

Stop paying the debts AND put a CMS claim in so that arrears start building.

Did I miss if you said you are married? If the house is in his name and you are not married you may find he never gives you the lump sum you are expecting. You need to see a solicitor.

how much are the school fees?

if he’s going half’s on clothes for the kids that’s kind of what maintenance is supposed to be for you know. Yeah lots of men are fair and pay maintenance and go half’s on clothes school and childcare but that’s not the requirement. Technically if he’s paying child maintenance that’s all he has to pay. So is this £550 that you want equal to half the school fees and clothes etc that he does pay?

also if he’s being this difficult is he the type of person that would reduce his income to reduce his maintenance? Once the house is sold and he’s living with his parents he could easily do that. If he puts his share of the house into a property he rents out that’s not subject to child maintenance. Nor are dividends I believe. Literally just his salery/income from self employment. But then with self employment good luck getting the money if he decides not to pay.

im not saying you are unreasonable or not. I’m just saying think this through. You could be cutting your nose off to spite your face.

My concern is exactly that, cutting my nose to spite my face. He’s very unpredictable at the moment.

we’re not married but agreed a 60/40 split in his favour.

I haven’t asked him to split clothes, he’s saying he will do that and not give maintenance (as he does days out and food etc for his house when there)

hes not self employed but I am, no way of him reducing his income he’s worked at the same job for not far off 20 years and is very steady with it.

I do want legal advice but can’t see the woods for the trees on where to look for someone now!

once he’s deducted my debts there’ll be no lump sum anyway (according to him) he won’t even give me the exact figure of the equity amount. All very hush hush and claims he’s not had any of that info himself.

OP is as desperate for money as some of her posts are making her sound. She can afford to pay 50% of school fees.

Get legal advice

why is the equity joint but the debts yours even if they are in his name

so you aren’t married house is owned jointly and the debts are in his name?

Hes dealing with the solicitor solely and hasn’t included me in any coms despite me pushing and pushing for it.

No no no no no. This is not "the solicitor" this is HIS solicitor. He has employed a solicitor to act and advise him in his interests. You absolutely need to understand this. You are no longer a team. You are now adverse parties. I understand that you wanted things to be amicable, and hopefully one day in the future they will be, but right now you need to accept the reality that he will act in his own best interests and those are at odds with your interests. Stop looking for him to help you with setting up the new house or getting on your feet and treat everything he says as the words of an opponent looking to say whatever will get him his way.

I understand that everything is overwhelming but you need to make finding a solicitor of your own and setting an appointment you top priority for this weekend. Set aside all negotiations with your ex and don't make any payments to him until you have had that meeting and taken advice. Text friends who have gone through divorces or custody issues for a solicitor recommendation (don't start giving them all the details or trying to justify anything, just stick to asking for a recommendation) or look online for a divorce and family law solicitor in your area.

Yes that is true unless you mean for the sale which case you both need to

How much is your half of the school fees op? I have no idea how much private school costs but what is the a tual difference between what's he'd pay maintenance for one day less childcare compared to that?

If the house sold in January why is he still in it and how is he paying mortgage? Its not your or his house any longer.

Would you get maintenance if he has them 3 nights a week ?