Ex disputing child maintenance. Both barrels?

[Tiredbut]

I’m wondering if IIWBU to go nuclear on my ex who’s kicking up a fuss over having to pay maintenance.

backstory:
together 15 years, financially linked. Split last year, sold house Jan, house selling taking an absolute age due to solicitors.
ive left family home with DC due to his refusal to. Now living in an (amazing) rental, he refused to help with the move until I read him the riot act after weeks of struggling alone (with DC) to furnish and decorate the property. He then moved some bits of furniture to our new place for us. That’s as far as his help has gone.

due to a number of reasons, I’m struggling financially for the first time in my life. This is of course nothing to do with maintenance as that is DC money. But as I’m financially linked in joint credit agreements with ex, I’m having to still pay him money each month. As I now have my own place that I’m trying to get back on my feet with, naturally, I can’t fucking manage both at this time. I’m self employed but due to the stress of the last 8 months or so work has been on the back burner and I’m bringing in much less than usual. I’m certain this will change again, but due to the house sale not yet completing I haven’t had a “reset” financially yet and I’m chasing my tail.

now for the maintenance,

Ex works shifts so currently having DC 3 nights, then I have 4 nights then repeat. He is a high earner, outgoings are high, but still. Could be less if he’d just go and stay with his parents (which is what he’s doing when the house completes until he finds somewhere new). Anyway, he is refusing to pay maintenance currently, has dropped hints for months that he’s not happy about it. I’ve told him the govt calculation using the online tool to which he’s said it’s “a load of shit, not fair, pathetic, and ridiculous” as he has DC 3 nights and takes DC on days out during that time and buys things like food. To which I say oh fucking well that’s how it works. He’s tried to ask me if he can not pay monthly maintenance, but instead pay the annual school fees (private school) to which I’ve said no I’d like to continue to go 50/50.

weve had a few massive arguments over it and I’m currently considering just putting in a claim. He’s said this would be pathetic and spiteful as a fee gets taken so it’s less for DC. He thinks he’s been utterly shafted, if anybody has been shafted financially it’s me! I wanted to maintain a good relationship with him, and if I was in his position I’d never see him struggle, but he’s flat out refused to help in any way. Even down to fitting a shelf in DC room, he’s washed his hands of any physical mental or financial help and is basically saying “whelp. Employ someone to do it”. Not the dynamic anybody predicted, my family are shocked as it’s so out of character for him, some that live out of town have even said they don’t believe me that he’s saying any of this, because it’s that out of character. I have lots of WhatsApp’s saying otherwise.

there may be details I’ve missed out. I’m just so pissed off!

legally you dont have to pay any debts in his name but also he doesnt have to give you any quity unless youre on the deeds

id get some legal advice

He raped you. He's not going to give you any equity unless you can prove you paid towards the house.

I wouldn't bother though with that. Instead I'd stop paying the debts and take all the CMS I could get. Why feel bad for a rapist? Your kid will survive in state schools, and you can tell everyone it was his decision not to go halves.

He couldn’t be more wrong. My ex stopped paying everything and sacked me from our business. I had no income and had to rely on benefits (disabled child). Stop paying the things in his name and go to CMS.

Stop asking for his help with practical tasks.
If a shelf needs putting up, do it yourself.
You're a single parent now and things that need doing in your home are yours to do.
In the 7 years I have been on my own with my twins, I've done any and all things that need doing around our home.
You don't need a man to do things for you!

You need your own legal advice. From the information here I think you are in a very financially vulnerable position and don't have very much leverage. I think you are coming to realise that.

From the limited information you have given I understand that you weren't married and the house and mortgage was in his name. How was the 60/40 split agreed and do you have a legally binding document which states you will be due 40% of the proceeds of the house. I suspect not, otherwise he would not be able to deduct the sum of debts held in his name.

He says the debt payments are for "your loan", "your car" and "your credit card", if this is the case then why are they in his name? Were you unable to get finance in your name and have you been the sole beneficiary of the debt? Who has the car now?

If you do not have a legally binding agreement regarding the equity of the house and were the sole beneficiary of the debt then I think he is going to take your share of the equity to pay the debt and you will be left with nothing because you are not legally entitled to anything. On that basis I would stop paying anything towards the debt.

If you have the children 4 nights and he has them for 3 nights I wonder how much CMS would say he has to pay? I suspect not very much or considerably less than 50% of the school fees. You don't say how many children you have but your school fees must be thousands of pounds a year which sounds unaffordable for you at the current time. You will be better off if you take your DC out of private school but with the way their time is currently split between you I'm not sure you will get a huge amount via CMS and if you made a claim but wanted the DC to stay in private school he could simply refuse to pay his share of the fees.

WRT practical help YABU. You are no longer a couple he isn't obliged to help you set up home. Where he chooses to live is his business if he can afford it. I don't think it's reasonable for you to say he should move in with his parents now so that he can give you money, he would still have the mortgage, standing charges on the utilities and insurance to pay on the house so he probably wouldn't save that much.

School fees must make your outgoings fairly high. Are you paying them between you?

There are a couple of issues here. If you share residence of the children on a near 50/50 basis 3/4 days each then you may not actually be entitled to any child maintenance. He would need to be a significantly higher earner for that to be the case.

He also does not "have" to pay private school fees.

If you can pay 50% of school fees for 2 or more(?) children I suspect you too earn well and may not be entitled to benefits.

Even if the debt is legally in his name do you have the items the debt paid for?

On a separate note you have separate households now. You can't expect him to put up shelves etc like a partner would. Not his problem. He is right ask a friend or pay someone if its something you can't do for yourself. Shelves are easy - find a YouTube tutorial and do it yourself.

Unlikely to qualify for benefits surely if she can afford to pay half the school fees.