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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry that ex’s new girlfriend took kids out.

98 replies

Dinofloodgates · 30/05/2025 12:22

Been separated from my ex for about 4 years. Very unpleasant when we were together and even more so when we split. About a year ago he went no contact for about 6 months claiming a mental breakdown but then 6 months later popped back up with a new girlfriend and wanting to re-connect. My children (DD8 especially) we’re quite upset about his absense so I was fine with putting boundries in place and them seeing him again.

his new girlfriend was already living with him when he popped back up, although I learnt from mutual friends that they had been dating a matter of weeks. She has taken quite a hands on approach and will be the only person who communicates/texts about the kid, arrangements etc. which is annoying but I’ve tolerated it. They’ve now been together for 6 months and the kids have been going over 2 nights every 2 weeks but last week my eldest told me when they got back that she had taken them out for a day out on her own. I was quite annoyed but when I got to work, another mutual friend mentioned that she’d actually seen her post photos of what they were doing on her Instagram.

I find it a bit disrespectful, especially the fact that I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He only met my kids about 9 months later and he wouldn’t dream of posting them.

I can’t even bring if you as my ex is a very manipulative man and would spin if as I am being controlling. He already claimed that I was the reason for his breakdown because I persued child maintanance after no financial help 🙄

OP posts:

ThatGladTiger · 30/05/2025 12:25

It must be difficult for you, but if she is treating them well and being kind to them then win win! She may be a good influence on your lousy ex! Especially on the days he has your children.

Pick your battles, this may not be one of them!

Plump82 · 30/05/2025 12:27

I can see how tough it will be as it seems very quick after them only being together such a short time but try and think of it as they're being treated well by her. It could be worse and she could be as lousy as your ex.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 30/05/2025 12:29

Unfortunately who he designates the dc to in his time is nothing to do with you.. Obviously unless you can prove she's a danger...
Reacting to this to him will give him satisfaction imo.

Tourmalines · 30/05/2025 12:31

At least she communicates with you about them so that’s a good thing . If they like her I don’t see a problem. I mean, if she’s there with your partner, she is either going to sit in with them all day or take them out. Surely that is better than having someone that would completely ignore them. You can’t control what your ex allows them in his access time, unless it’s abusive of course

Hallywally · 30/05/2025 12:33

Sounds like he’s doing what a lot of men do and has replaced you with another woman to do the childcare. The problem is your ex, not her.

MarshmallowsOnToast · 30/05/2025 12:35

I wouldn't mind her taking them out.

But I think she should have checked before posting pictures of them online. Some people don't post their children at all.

If you're not ok with that, I'd drop her a friendly text saying the kids had a great time at the "farm" but would appreciate no pictures on SM. Thanks.

PalePurplePumpkin · 30/05/2025 12:39

I'd be fine with her taking them out as she sounds like a far better parent than the one you unfortunately had children with.

Does your DP not post photos because you don't allow their pics on the internet?

If so, that's the right and respectful thing to do.

But if you do allow photos of them on the internet (in other words if you post them yourself), then I don't see why she wouldn't.

Hayley1256 · 30/05/2025 12:42

I found this difficult with my exes now ex but had to remember as long as my DD was looked after then that's all mattered
TBH her dad's girlfriends have always treated her really well and I'm almost thankful he has someone to help him!

dustygrey · 30/05/2025 12:44

MarshmallowsOnToast · 30/05/2025 12:35

I wouldn't mind her taking them out.

But I think she should have checked before posting pictures of them online. Some people don't post their children at all.

If you're not ok with that, I'd drop her a friendly text saying the kids had a great time at the "farm" but would appreciate no pictures on SM. Thanks.

If ex has ok'd the photos, then she can put them up.

Mightyhike · 30/05/2025 12:45

I would find this really hard OP, but I don't think there's much you can do about it.

PalePurplePumpkin · 30/05/2025 12:46

Also, who are all these mutual friends stirring the pot?

Just tell them you don't want to talk about your ex or his relationship.

My friends would've got short shrift from me when I split up with my ex, if they started 'reporting' to me.

yestothat · 30/05/2025 12:51

So you’re concern isn’t actually about the children? Just that is was disrespectful to you?

Tourmalines · 30/05/2025 12:53

PalePurplePumpkin · 30/05/2025 12:39

I'd be fine with her taking them out as she sounds like a far better parent than the one you unfortunately had children with.

Does your DP not post photos because you don't allow their pics on the internet?

If so, that's the right and respectful thing to do.

But if you do allow photos of them on the internet (in other words if you post them yourself), then I don't see why she wouldn't.

Edited

The father can allow his partner to post picks . Op can’t control that . He has as much say as Op .

isawrainbowbridge · 30/05/2025 12:54

So she’s being kind to your kids and taking them out for the day. I can’t see the problem with that. Would you rather she ostracised them and made them feel uncomfortable in your ex’s home.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/05/2025 12:54

She's probably safer than him in regards to child care. It'll be shit for the kids when she leaves him though. It's difficult but he is allowed to choose who looks after them on his time.

SemperIdem · 30/05/2025 12:55

She sounds nice, to be honest.

PrettyPuss · 30/05/2025 13:00

'the only person who communicates/texts about the kid, arrangements etc. which is annoying but I’ve tolerated it.'

And yet she didn't mention that she was taking them out alone? I mean, fine if she is kind to them and they are happy about this. Maybe it was a last minute change of plan.

I understand your point about him introducing your dc to his new gf very quickly. Men do seem to do this.

BelindaCardAisle · 30/05/2025 13:00

Disrespectful to you how exactly? I don't see a problem with anything that she is doing.

TheKeenPlumSeal · 30/05/2025 13:07

Your ex is a loser but it sounds like this is for the best and they're probably happier out with her than him.

If they breakup and he has a "MH breakdown" again, you need to not let him back in. The next girlfriend might not be so nice to them. And also, you're teaching your children to just let people put them down and pick them up when convenient.

jamanbutter · 30/05/2025 13:12

I would much prefer it if the partner of my ex was engaged and interested in my children. It would be too weird if she wasn’t. She will make some mistakes along the way but so do I.
Be reasonable OP.

funinthesun19 · 30/05/2025 13:20

What was your ex doing with himself while his girlfriend took his kids out for a whole day? Could he not be bothered going with them?

Cherry8809 · 30/05/2025 13:20

Honestly, I’d be thankful that she’s nice to them and takes an active interest.

If ex was at work or otherwise occupied, surely it’s better for the kids that she took them out, rather than just sticking them in front of a tv all day?

LimitedBrightSpots · 30/05/2025 13:21

I wouldn't be overly happy with photos being posted but she's probably the only reason your kids are getting decent, interested care when with their dad.

Catwalking · 30/05/2025 13:23

Dinofloodgates, I feel your ExH doesn’t really want to have much to do with the children? Does his new GF know him in such a short time? Is she possibly trying to make herself look like a ‘good mum’ with your kids, so he’ll take her on as more than just a GF? What happens to your kids when this other couple lose interest in them because they split, get some of their, get a pet instead, etc., etc.?

Slatterndisgrace · 30/05/2025 13:24

funinthesun19 · 30/05/2025 13:20

What was your ex doing with himself while his girlfriend took his kids out for a whole day? Could he not be bothered going with them?

I was wondering this too. It’s good that she’s being kind to your children but she was a stranger wasn’t she? I guess he got lucky!

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