To be angry that ex’s new girlfriend took kids out.

[Dinofloodgates]

Been separated from my ex for about 4 years. Very unpleasant when we were together and even more so when we split. About a year ago he went no contact for about 6 months claiming a mental breakdown but then 6 months later popped back up with a new girlfriend and wanting to re-connect. My children (DD8 especially) we’re quite upset about his absense so I was fine with putting boundries in place and them seeing him again.

his new girlfriend was already living with him when he popped back up, although I learnt from mutual friends that they had been dating a matter of weeks. She has taken quite a hands on approach and will be the only person who communicates/texts about the kid, arrangements etc. which is annoying but I’ve tolerated it. They’ve now been together for 6 months and the kids have been going over 2 nights every 2 weeks but last week my eldest told me when they got back that she had taken them out for a day out on her own. I was quite annoyed but when I got to work, another mutual friend mentioned that she’d actually seen her post photos of what they were doing on her Instagram.

I find it a bit disrespectful, especially the fact that I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He only met my kids about 9 months later and he wouldn’t dream of posting them.

I can’t even bring if you as my ex is a very manipulative man and would spin if as I am being controlling. He already claimed that I was the reason for his breakdown because I persued child maintanance after no financial help 🙄

Their father sounds beyond useless op. He wouldn’t be getting a second chance, consistency and presence is so important. I don’t agree with the current line of thinking that any father is better than none, I think so many do more harm than good. I imagine if he will scuttle back into long grass when his gf gets fed up playing house.

I'm always a bit wary of people who post pics on social media like that, I mean great that she's taking the kids out etc but I wouldn't expect a woman who is fairly new to meeting my children to be posting pics on social media of them, it's all a bit performative, I mean people only post what they want people to see 🤷 she isn't their step mum and barely knows them so it's wierd in my opinion. It's so tough op and I've been there so totally understand. You will get posters on here who may not have been through it and won't understand your feelings towards this.

I’d not be ok with this. The children are his and if he can’t be bothered to organise and behave accordingly as a parent; I’d go no contact. He doesn’t deserve them and I think it’s damaging for them. When they break up what happens then?? It’s not reliable or solid enough imo to be consistent in their lives. It will be very harmful for them at their ages and into teens to have him reject them and come in and out of their lives. Best of luck to you x

Yeah if the Dad is useless and going through multiple partners it would definitely be useful. In my DHs case his ex was refusing overnight contact so their daughter could have “routine” but then sending her out overnight to various relatives. She admits now to just being angry, they were both awful to each other the first year post separation. Mediation really helped and by the time I met him they had a healthy dynamic and a 50:50 arrangement but I know some people never get there.

Thank your lucky stars she is interested in the children, cares for them and takes them out.

That’s a lot of replies. I don’t really understand some of them about being jealous or being the bad party in the relationship. I have been completely civil in everything that has happened and even re-facilitated contact happily.

bit more info, this is the third woman who has been introduced/lived with his in the 4 year seperation. I have only got my childrens best interest at heart which is why I have never said anything in regards to the speed of the relationship and the full on-ness of the relationship that the kids have had.

I 100% want the kids to have a good relationship and she’s already been a better role model than their dad but I can’t help being thoroughly irritated by her. The messages she sends me about stuff like the kids birthday party’s they’ve got planned and how to improve on their school work etc has been going on from day one since the kids got back into contact and not taking them out and posting photos which I find out about through colleagues at work.

I’m a step parent to DSD11 so perhaps offer a perspective from the other side. Although our situation is different because I don’t have much direct contact with mum and my partner is a really hands on dad, their parenting relationship is good and they have 5050 custody.

It sounds like the girlfriend is trying and if the children are happy then that’s positive, in my experience children are a great judge of character. If you think she will be long term in the children’s lives then why not get to know her a bit better, could you arrange to do something all together so you can see her with the children? I know that exDH is lousy but maybe this new girlfriend is the best choice your DH has made in a long time

@Dinofloodgates

I know it's difficult when the NRP chooses to 'parent' differently to you. But there's really nothing you can do about it provided you don't sincerely believe the children are in danger or being exposed to 'unhealthy' surroundings.

When the DC are with him he gets to decide who they see and who takes them out. It sounds to me as if this woman is at least trying to do things with them, which may be more than their own dad would do. I know that's small comfort, but sometimes we just have to grit our teeth and move on.

As far as her posting to Insta, I suppose you could politely ask her not to put the children on SM. But if you put them on yours and she 'mentions' you asking her not to on hers to your exH, would any 'fallout' be worth it?

I do get it, OP. But these things that are irritating you about her are the symptom of your ex being a deadbeat. He should be sending you those messages but is choosing not to and is happy for his gf to do it instead.
She will tire of messaging you when she’s fed up of him. They’re still in the early days of their relationship at the moment so things probably feel quite exciting to her right now, so she tolerates things without really realising at the moment.

I think this one you are going to have to let go

She’s overstepping. I’d be irritated too OP.

To be honest you do sound quite controlling thinking this had to all be run past you.

It’s fine to be irritated by her. People you didn’t choose to have in your life and probably wouldn’t be friends with yourself in another context are sometimes irritating. You just need to separate that from her generally treating your children well - a bit like you might find a teacher, or one of their friends’ parents a bit irritating on a personal level, but you just engage with them at the level you have to.

Your children are with their dad and his girlfriend a handful of days a month. The relationship might last or it might not, but they’re unlikely to experience much in the way of upset if it doesn’t, because they will only have known her as somebody fun and nice enough who plays with and takes them out sometimes. They won’t be losing a parent or somebody they relied on.

Tell your colleagues and friends firmly that you don’t want feedback about your ex or his girlfriend unless it’s something that you need to know because they are genuinely concerned for the children’s safety. They’re stirring the pot and probably enjoying a bit of being part of the drama. You wouldn’t want your ex’s friends and colleagues monitoring your boyfriend’s social media and telling him about what you’d all been up to; and nor, presumably, would your boyfriend want to have to run things he was doing which involved the children past your ex every time first.

unfortunately you cannot control his actions or how many women he decides to be in a relationship with and introduce to your children. (Unless of course there was abuse or neglect going on)

It’s frustrating to watch but you can’t change it. All you can do is support your children whilst they’re with you and let them know that you’re always there to talk about things if needed.

I wish my husbands ex appreciated all I do for their children!!!!
All I can say is being a step parent is a thankless task (i know she's just a GF) so if you think she's a good egg and the worst she's ever done is take them out, cared for them, probably treated them to an ice cream etc, then please don't try and cause trouble and drive her away. Children can't have enough caring adults in their lives as far as I'm concerned.

And throwing them an extra birthday party: look, when you’re 8 years old there’s no such thing as too many birthday parties. It’s not a competition. The DC aren’t seeing any birthday party they organise as topping the birthday parties you or their grandparents organise.

@Camille99 controlling? I haven’t mentioned anything to either of them. I’ve allowed the kids back round after 6 months no contact and years of sporadic and selfish behaviour. I’ve been phenominally polite but at the end of the day. I work full time, have the kids 95% of the time and am finding it irritating having a person who has met my kids less than 15 times messaging me trying to co-parent. I understand i can’t do anything about it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sticks in the craw that, when you’ve had to be the patient one! Your children will thank you for it OP.

I think his inability to communicate with you effectively and it being her contacting you, is the bigger issue. Taking them for a day out is nice, messaging you about their schooling and contact time however, is inappropriate.

A few years ago my friend was in a very similar situation and was determined to be annoyed and hate the new girlfriend.
However she was nothing but kind to the kids, helped out and communicated with my friend. A couple of years later my friend was sad to hear the relationship was on the rocks and girlfriend kicked him to kerb. The two women became great friends and see each other several times a week and baby sit for each other.
You never know. This cloud could have a silver lining.

That would irritate me too. You don’t need her to tell you where they need to improve with their learning when you have them 95% of the time. I’m sure you are aware already. Unless she is a teacher/tutor/teaching assistant/SENCO or something and is genuinely trying to help based on her professional knowledge. But I’m guessing that isn’t the case so I think she should stop telling you and instead tell your ex where HE should be helping them to improve.

A quick message to tell you about a party invite is useful information but again I can’t understand why your ex can’t just pick up his phone and tell you. He’s your co parent and he’s not doing a very good job of it.

I understand you're irritated (I would be too) but the fault here lies with your ex partner. She seems naive and is going above and beyond in terms of making an effort and investing in these children. At least she is being nice to them.

Yed I appreciate that would get your back up about telling you how to parent but I think you should take that up with your ex. Its likely that they are his words communicatd through her. If you're unable to communicate with him then the only sensible thing to do would be to grey stone her messages. Unless a message absolutely warrants a response such as 'what time will you be collecting the children on Saturday' then you just don't reply, simple as that. It will only cause unnecessary friction and you will need to be the bigger person here.

Her taking them out doesn't sound so bad but all communication regarding your children through her? Not a chance, it's nothing to do with her

TBH life was a lot easier when I was able to confirm arrangements with my ex's new partner than with the ex who made a drama out of everything. Communicating with her was a dream because (other than being with him 😉) she was actually a normal human!