To be angry that ex’s new girlfriend took kids out.

[Dinofloodgates]

Been separated from my ex for about 4 years. Very unpleasant when we were together and even more so when we split. About a year ago he went no contact for about 6 months claiming a mental breakdown but then 6 months later popped back up with a new girlfriend and wanting to re-connect. My children (DD8 especially) we’re quite upset about his absense so I was fine with putting boundries in place and them seeing him again.

his new girlfriend was already living with him when he popped back up, although I learnt from mutual friends that they had been dating a matter of weeks. She has taken quite a hands on approach and will be the only person who communicates/texts about the kid, arrangements etc. which is annoying but I’ve tolerated it. They’ve now been together for 6 months and the kids have been going over 2 nights every 2 weeks but last week my eldest told me when they got back that she had taken them out for a day out on her own. I was quite annoyed but when I got to work, another mutual friend mentioned that she’d actually seen her post photos of what they were doing on her Instagram.

I find it a bit disrespectful, especially the fact that I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He only met my kids about 9 months later and he wouldn’t dream of posting them.

I can’t even bring if you as my ex is a very manipulative man and would spin if as I am being controlling. He already claimed that I was the reason for his breakdown because I persued child maintanance after no financial help 🙄

ExH has recently got married.

She's so interested in my DC that when they went away to get married, my DC were expected to make their own way there.

3 + hours via train. (They don't drive).

I can't believe that they weren't first in both their thinking. She's their step mum now.

And neither exh or her could think about the kids.

When it was his turn to have them for Christmas, he was due to take them away (4 hours in the car), my youngest felt sick.

She stood by whilst my DC's father ranted and raved at her (including in the station he dumped them at so they could come back).

He was more concerned about his car then his DC.

All she could say was she saw both sides.

DC was in floods of tears. So much so that eldest stepped in (and he wouldn't normally defend his sibling).

It's very weird. I share a daughter with my exH and we communicate about her. I live with my fiancé and he speaks to his exw about their daughter. very very occasionally me and the exwife communicate, mainly if she cant get hold of him, and she also wished me a happy mothers day this year and thanked me for being kind to her daughter! I have never messaged my exHs partner, but then he did leave me for her and i while i keep things friendly with him I dont really want to speak to her! I cant see any situation where i would communicate entirely with her or where my fiancé would communicate with my exh and we are 5 years down the line! It is weird. That being said, I am not sure you can do much about it. Just be wary and be there in the probably inevitable split :( I often take my stepdaughter out with just me and my daughter, and I frequently take just my step daughter to the dog park with our dogs as its 9am on a Saturday morning and neither my fiancé or my actual daughter will get up and go and she loves it! I think its nice that we have quality time together and helps with relationships. We are quite far down the road though and I care for her very much.

Can't really see that she's doing anything wrong.

@Dinofloodgates ...will be the only person who communicates/texts about the kid, arrangements etc. which is annoying but I’ve tolerated it???? I would not ever be tolerating that!! ex is the one who should be communicating about his kids! certainly not her

So ignoring the fact you are jealous what has she actually done wrong?

I think I’d rather a woman try her best for and entertain children than ignore them because they’re not her children to bother about. At your DC’s ages, they can articulate their feelings and let you know if something happens that that they don’t like or are uncomfortable with.

Whether or not you post photos of your children on social media is something to agree with your ex, and ultimately he doesn’t have to agree with you. At your DC’s ages, it’s also something they can have a say in. You’re in contact with his girlfriend so why not just let her know it’s something you’ve been hesitant about due to their future privacy etc and you’d rather it didn’t happen, but if it does to respect the DC’s wishes if they say they don’t want to be in a photo, and to never post anything with the potential to embarrass them.

I think this falls into pick your battles territory. If the girlfriend is giving clear arrangements for contact days, pick up times, and passing on relevant information about things which happened to the DC when with her and her dad, it’s a lot less stressful for OP to deal with than an uncommunicative ex who gives the bare minimum of information and is wishy washy on arrangements.

Whilst your children are in your partners care it is up to him to decide who he leaves the children with. Just as when they’re in your care it is up to you who you leave your children with.

He would have no right to tell you that you couldn’t drop the kids at your best friends for the day or if you left them with a school friends Dad for a play date and the same goes with the situation switched to him.

He has got lucky. And she’s on a slippery slope. Let’s just say he was working and she agreed to/offered to have them, this will most likely come back to bite her as he likely won’t forget it.
If he was doing anything else eg pottering about at home, having drinks with his mates, going to the gym etc instead of going on the day out too, then I would see that as a red flag if I was the girlfriend. He should have wanted to be on that day out too.
I’d see it as a red flag if he was working too if I’m honest. He should be continuing with his usual arrangements eg holiday club, annual leave.

I’m on your side op, I think whats lacking here is communication on his side. I believe if he introduced you to his gf you would be fine but he hasn’t done any of it and to you this woman is a stranger who has taken the kids out and posted them on social media. I wouldn’t let her take them again.

Seeing as your DC missed him, and it sounds like it's her facilitating contact I would let it carry on as long as they are happy.
She clearly likes the DC and that's a positive, and it allows the DC to see their dad again.

Why don't you message her and ask to meet for a coffee given she seems to be left responsible for them and youd like her to have a means of communicating with you. Say you appreciate how well she treats them and just gently lay out your expectations. If she's not a mum yet herself she may not realise a mums concerns about social media.
She might appreciate that you are including her

I’m not sure what you mean by disrespectful. She not claiming to be their mum, or saying anything about you. If their dad is an absolute deadbeat, it’s good there is someone who will take them out on ‘his’ days, even if not him. It will be tough on them when she, inevitably, ends things with him though.

I understand this must be very difficult for you, and I would struggle with this too, but from an outsiders perspective— at least she’s interested in them and treating them well. On the flip side, she could be completely disengaged. Communication from her about the children sounds good and healthy and putting the children first. Again, positive for your children. If they are happy going and spending time with her, I would just bite my tongue about this and be content that my children seemed well looked after with her there and happy/ safe. Xx

TBH I think your ex's side of the story is also worth hearing. It sounds like he wasn't necessarily the (only) bad actor in the breakup.

It is disrespectful. Ops doesnt know this woman, shes never communicated with her and she posted her kids on social media. The civil thing to do is to introduce each other and speak about the kids and her boundaries regards social media. They should know each other and have each others numbers since she takes her kids with her.

I would not be happy about her posting pictures of my child on social media. I don’t care if she’s posts pictures of herself but not my child due to safety concerns. I have asked my family and friends do not posts pictures of my child and they are happy with it. But this is a separate issue.

So she’s been with him six months? It seems like she’s actually making an effort, her being the one to text and take your child out. As it is very obvious the father isn’t doing any of this. My concern would be if they broke up would he just stop visiting again? I also agree about waiting until you meet your partner’s child. But if the child is sleeping over and she lives with him she can’t just ignore the child can she?

If you didn’t want the girlfriend to meet your child so soon, why did you allow the child sleepovers to begin with? Especially due to his father’s previous behaviour.

I completely agree. It never fails to amaze me how these deadbeats get women. But then I’ve had a couple of deadbeats myself when I was stupid and naive.

I also agree with another pp, it would be best for the OP to meet up with the woman who’s spending time with her children. She needs to know what kind of influence her children are receiving,

I fail to see the problem, apart from the social media part, but that needs agreeing with all parties. Your ex is clearly not interested and she has taken them on a day out which they seen to have enjoyed.

Having the new gf look after the kids from a previous relationship is such a massive deadbeat dad cliche. Considering how quickly she moved in, why are you shocked that she goes out with them alone ?
If they break up, he will end contact again and pop up if his new gf wants to spend time with the kids.

You need to focus on if she did a good job while out with the kids. If so, you need to let it go. It sounds like your ex enjoys arguing with you and if you complain about this, he will escalate things more just to annoy you.

It’s not the “moral” thing to do but court would say it’s up to him who babysits the kids.

Would I be right in suggesting that the kids are better off spending time with her than him?

Does the term right of first refusal exist in uk law? Op I’m not of the mindset that girlfriends stepmums grandparents are in loco parentis and as long as they are nice ex can palm dc off during his time. In my parenting court ordered decision we had first refusal. Dc were with parent or time offered to other parent. It doesn’t work perfectly becuse ex snuck around or lied but dc know if he’s there or not. This attempts to eliminate ex picks kids up (taking them from mum) and drops to gf or PIL then goes back to bed. My ex real desire was to take them from me not actually have them and make plans for them for the weekend. Also she may not keep this up long term it may simply be a way of getting her feet under the table. That’s what happened when my ex remarried. Also my ex also wanted wife #2 to take the calls and make the plans which I refused via the court appointed guardian ad litem becuse I’m not co parenting with his wife but rather him. She’s long gone now and many females have followed and you may see the same. I agree with pp that ex popping back up and “parenting” via gf is not great and I would give this some real risk vs benefit thought. Is he legally entitled to time with her ? And MH problems rarely
go away and shit spouses and parents tend to stay that way

She seems to be making an effort....

It does exist in UK law but it’s a tricky one if you ever leave kids with family on your side. My DH had a bad break up - it’s all good now and they’ve co parented well with 50:50 for years - but in the initial months his ex wanted this written in to their agreement. He agreed so long as it was mutual. It ended up being damaging for DSD who wanted to stay with grandparents etc but legally had to be “offered” to the other parent instead. Six months in they agreed in mediation that it was stupid and removed it.

Is she kind to them op? Taking good care of them? If so, I think I'd see that as a win. As for your ex, he sounds pretty useless to put it politely and is probably just happy he doesn't have to do anything too taxing for his own kids. Be mad at him but not her.

@adviceneeded1990 i agree it can be tricky but if your ex is mainly motivated to take the children or is simply cable or disinterested in having dc himself it is a legal recourse. Some ex start and remain so very very difficult. I do believe dc benefit from interaction with many people. Their friends parents their GP their cousins etc but not necessarily a string of dads female companions. In my case ex actually asked for right of first refusal altho in the end it benefited me best. He worked long hours in shift work and often was too tired or at work to actually be with dc