To be angry that ex’s new girlfriend took kids out.

[Dinofloodgates]

Been separated from my ex for about 4 years. Very unpleasant when we were together and even more so when we split. About a year ago he went no contact for about 6 months claiming a mental breakdown but then 6 months later popped back up with a new girlfriend and wanting to re-connect. My children (DD8 especially) we’re quite upset about his absense so I was fine with putting boundries in place and them seeing him again.

his new girlfriend was already living with him when he popped back up, although I learnt from mutual friends that they had been dating a matter of weeks. She has taken quite a hands on approach and will be the only person who communicates/texts about the kid, arrangements etc. which is annoying but I’ve tolerated it. They’ve now been together for 6 months and the kids have been going over 2 nights every 2 weeks but last week my eldest told me when they got back that she had taken them out for a day out on her own. I was quite annoyed but when I got to work, another mutual friend mentioned that she’d actually seen her post photos of what they were doing on her Instagram.

I find it a bit disrespectful, especially the fact that I’ve been with my partner for 3 years. He only met my kids about 9 months later and he wouldn’t dream of posting them.

I can’t even bring if you as my ex is a very manipulative man and would spin if as I am being controlling. He already claimed that I was the reason for his breakdown because I persued child maintanance after no financial help 🙄

Why would you be annoyed about her taking them on a day out specifically, when she already has a lot to do with them and you've facilitated this (in fairness to you, partly due to ex being hard work to deal with)? 🤔 I don't get it.

I was this girlfriend many years ago (when I was naive and stupid!) and I solely looked after my (now) exes two sons. The difference being they lived with him full-time and saw their Mum EOW. I was the one to communicate with his ex-wife too, because he refused. As time went on I realised that he didn't parent or look after his own sons, I did!! Essentially, he couldn't be bothered and didn't really want the responsibility. I suspect that this is a very similar situation! I also met his children way too soon (I was young and naive) and moved in way too soon (ditto to the above!) - all instigated by my ex! If your children are happy with the girlfriend looking after them, taking them out and she treats them well, be grateful for that. It's likely in the not-too-distant future, she'll wake up and realise she's been a mug!! Your ex is probably very much like mine is.

I get it, my ex has a revolving door of overbearing or nasty GF’s that he only too happily hands over all his parenting responsibilities too. It feels really frustrating to be the one constant in your children’s lives only to have this new person who’s only met the child a handful of times. Come along and start acting like they birthed your children too.

I find it especially difficult when his GF’s act like this because none of his relationships last more than a year. Mostly because he’s abusive and can’t keep up the front for long. It’s okay to be upset by all this change and moving goalposts.

YANBU of course it’s way too soon and the fact that she messages you about the kids contact is just plain weird!

Your ex is to blame here and it sounds like he’s only with her for a free babysitter.

If she’s nice to your kids and they like her then I would be happy that she’s in their life because if it wasn’t her then you know it would be someone else and they might not be as nice.

Your ex sounds awful.

Of course it’s to do with her, they’re her children! He’s a deadbeat father who has only popped back up so that he can look like a good dad when he’s nothing of the sort! He has to earn back his trust before he gets to ‘designate’ anyone to babysit his kids who he very rarely sees anyway!

My DC was abandoned by their father and although there will never be a situation like this in our case or any stepmum but I sure as hell wouldn’t allow a perfect stranger unfettered access to my DC based on their absent ‘father’s’ opinion of his girlfriend of a matter of weeks! If I had a partner, I wouldn’t even introduce them for at least 12-18 months and it would be years before I left them alone. Not because I think all men are X, Y or Z but because I’m sensible and it’s impossible to know what somebody is or isn’t capable of in a matter of weeks! (if ever)

We are talking about the safety of OP’s children here, not legalities! This idiot of a bloke abandoned his kids because he was annoyed he had to pay child support. That’s not a well adjusted, balanced adult, let alone parent. Are you genuinely suggesting OP accept this clown’s evaluation of a total stranger and their ability to not only look after these children & keep them safe but to parent & discipline the same way?

She is definitely overstepping.

Someone who has been in their life less than 6 months is telling their mum how to help her kids with the schoolwork.

No wonder you're pissed off.

And personally I have a social media ban with my kids so that would also piss me off and would need shutting down straight away.

Agree

Personally I would try to limit or reduce the contact so they are being left with fewer randomers.

If you can try and get your point across to him you can try. But it's a difficult situation when the Ex is such a poor human being.

To use a MN phrase, he’s found a nanny with a fanny.

I feel this is harsh.
If it were left to the dad, the kids might never see or do anything with them.
OP it sounds bitter and that you resent her somewhat.
IMHO you should ask the kids how they feel. If they feel safe and wanted atound her then she can't be all bad. Maybe she is a little naive and think this is what she should be doing? Maybe she was like your kids where her father wanted nothing to do with her? Maybe she just wants to be kind to them?

I think being pass-agg with her, doesn't help anyone.

This!

All will be fine and she clearly wants a family. Just wait however til her own children should come along. You will see the tables turn then.

I’d raise merry hell over this tbh. Not for the fact she’s been hands on, nice of her. But for the fact a new girl has been around my children so soon AND left to solely care for them. Not a chance.

Imagine being annoyed that someone has taken your kids out so they're not stuck in doing F all all because you had children with a lazy gobshite.

Once she raises the bar and binbags him you'll be moaning about the next one probably not taking any interest.

Or maybe she's just a nice person in general. Some people are just kind with no change to them

Does your new partner ever look after your kids without you there? Unfortunately it's no different and when the kids are with ex he can have them round or leave them with whoever he decides

You can’t control how they spend the time but I would not be communicating with the gf at all, especially not about parenting issues. Why does she even have your number? You speak to ex only.

Yes, it’s not appropriate for the girlfriend to communicate about schoolwork or things like that (unless she is a teacher and has some actual helpful stuff but even then), but if you are sending DC to see their father and he has parental responsibility, then it is up to him how the time is organised. The alternative is not to send them if their father will not be looking after them.

In normal life i would agree, on here it seems every single person who is not the poster themselves seems to have some secret ulterior motive, I know it is hard for people to realise but there are normal nice people in the world

It's absolutely bizarre. I can only assume many haven't had kindness shown towards then or supportive people in their life who just want the best for them without expectations of anything in return

She has taken quite a hands on approach and will be the only person who communicates/texts about the kid

Hell would freeze over before I communicated with a girlfriend regarding contact. Absolutely not! If he can’t be arsed to communicate either directly or via a parenting app then that’s his issue, he’s the father and needs to take responsibility to organise time with his children.

I'm sorry but no not a chance some hot minute gf is posting my kids on social media yes she might well be the most loveliest of women but not a chance she putting them on there without asking 1st and ex is a fb dad clearly only wants them because makes him look good with new gf. The moment that relationship ends kids will barely see dad again. You are totally in the right for your reservations I'd be having words. And for everyone saying your jealous it definitely does not come across. I think you missed a bullet to be fair

You are right to be annoyed, she's the third girlfriend in 4 years?! And after dad being awol for months and her only on the scene for weeks, kicks in early doors with opinions on how to raise the kids? At least she is caring about them, sounds as though their dad doesn't know how to be a parent. Your kids will work out who he is in the end.

I would ask her politely not to post on SM if it's something you don't do. You could gently suggest that if dad isn't around when they are over you'd be happy to have them at home if that works for you. If she pitches in with parenting suggestions, just ignore and don't respond. Can't imagine how frustrating this is for you.

What ? Most mothers are interested in who is spending time with their children alone! She doesn’t know her and the father doesn’t seem to be someone who can be trusted with his children’s welfare. Why are they even there if the dad isn’t bothered?